I remember when taking a dump used to be something that needed very little thought, but in South America you’ll need a sound and effective toilet strategy. Here’s mine.

1. Flush before you sit. Not only to clean smears left by your dorm mates but to make sure the toilet isn’t clogged. Sometimes you know it’s clogged but you have to go so bad that you decide to deal with the repercussions later (actually you let the cleaning lady deal with the repercussions). I took a memorable dump in Bolivia in a broken toilet bowl that was still there one day later.

2. Flush often. Your log will not make it down. I repeat, your gigantic shit log will not make it down a South American toilet. I’m not saying chop it up with a stick but if you know a log is coming then access the toilet in a more discrete manner so no one knows you fucked everything up. Otherwise just keep flushing until it goes down. I clog toilets about 25% of the time, which makes every shit the possible highlight (or downside) of my day.

3. If you’re a guy, protect your penis head. Don’t let it touch the toilet bowl because god knows what will infect your hole. Either cradle your package with your hand or lay a little toilet paper curtain in front of it. The method I select depends on my mood and how long I estimate the shit will last.

4. Pay attention to the toilet paper. While most hostels give you toilet paper that has the consistency of elementary school construction paper, often times one side will be softer. Use this soft side to avoid the abraded anus (no big deal since it heals in a day or two). If you start seeing blood on the toilet paper then it’s probably time to buy your own toilet paper.

5. Time your dumps to the maid cleaning schedule. They usually clean the bathrooms in the afternoon (1-2PM) while the gringos are doing whatever the Lonely Planet tells them to do. There is nothing like being the first to take a massive shit in a sparkling clean bowl. If you travel to South America as an evening shitter like me then just hold it overnight one day to put yourself on an afternoon shit schedule.

The dirtier the toilet bowls, the dirtier the stomachs, the dirtier the country. Peru and Bolivia are big winners here, with bathrooms that look like it was play time for kids with diarrhea water balloons.

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funniest post ever!

Peru and Bolivia are big winners here, with bathrooms that look like it was play time for kids with diarrhea water balloons.
Delish!

Good tips. Especially numbers 3 & 4. I can’t even imagine toilet paper feeling like that. It makes my ass hurt just thinking about it. :(

You aren’t allowed to flush TP in Greece, so my roommate and I there a few weeks ago decided to use the community bathroom on the hotel’s first floor anytime we had to deuce… worked out well.

#3 is crucial. i had a head-touching incident once and a vigorous scrubbing with hand soap followed immediately afterwards. i still shudder when i think back to that.

I was going to start quoting but there’s just too much going on here…chopping it up with a stick….the abraded anus (sounds like a dive bar)…diarrhea water balloons…literally laugh-out-loud hilarious

i say we start a band named either “abraded anus” or “diarrhea water balloons” …. i suppose it will depend on the genre of music which one we pick..
xoxo

yummy, my breakfast just came back up. you are giving a whole new definition to GI problems on these posts. well, at least your pipes are workin. so congrats?

wow funny post, and so detailed…..I am taking notes on a lot of these since you seem to have the “shit game” down.

hmmm.. In my travel experiences, three golden rules I follow.

(i) Flush the toilet from a foot away before sitting on it.

(ii) Use toilet paper to cover the seat, and throw some on the water, to prevent splashing.

(iii) Eat an apple a day, to prevent toiler clogging, which also helps in a quick in-out strategy.

Hi, remember that you can call me at 099-9646805, that’s a cell phone. In Santiago, Bellavista is the best place for one night stands, with a nice selection from local girls and foreign visitors.

Very Very funny. Dabbing man what ever happened to that?

I wonder if you’re encountering toilets like that are because you’re staying in hostels — and I hate the generalization about South America — toilets in Brazil are MUCH stronger than any American toilet I’ve ever seen — the flush button is on the wall and it’ll flush for as long as you press the button, there’s not such thing as a water tank and waiting for that to fill up again.

But then again, I never stayed in a hostel there, so who knows how the hostels’ toilets are like. You better have some nice things to say about Brazil once you get there…

Santiago I called you on Friday! I left a message… or I think I did. No one answered and there was a beep.

I just called right now (2030 local time) and no answer. My skype number is +001 3016372318. I’ll be on for a couple hours.

I’ve always wondered what guys do with their penises during a #2!

oh roosh… only YOU can make shitting so fun and entertaining to blog about!:thumbup

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