American Stereotypes Are So Hurtful

A German David Hasselhoff lover recently wrote 10 Common German Prejudices About The USA. I am deeply offended as an American and would like to take some time to clear the air.

“What’s with all the fast food?”

We are BUSY people. Have you looked at our GDP lately? It’s the highest in the world. You think we got there by taking the to time to cook boring meals at home? Give me animal fat and give it to me NOW. Maybe you’d be rich too if you spent your time working instead of making thick sausage or whatever it is you eat over there.

“Americans are war mongers”

The recent military operations in Iraq (both of them), Afghanistan, Panama, Kosovo, Somalia, and Grenada were all ACCIDENTS of history. We do not have imperial notions on this great Earth, and if you give honest examination to the periods between 1891 and 1897, you will see that we are a very peaceful people.

“Americans are extremely superficial…celebrity culture”

Wrong. We follow celebrities because they have achieved a level of enlightenment that commoners like you and I can only dream about. I’m talking about sex, clubbing, drugs, tell-all books, gotcha photography featuring nipples and shaved vaginas, and most importantly, FASHION. Quick: name a German-born celebrity. I thought so. If you had celebrities then you would be obsessing over their god-like status as well.

“Americans don’t give a shit about their poor people”

Now you’ve went too far. Look in any American city and you will see an area of very fine buildings that we have built EXCLUSIVELY for the poor. We give them schooling, food, and police protection, and make sure that they live far far away from the middle and upper classes, who may interfere with their admirable way of life. Poverty in the United States will be relegated to the history books as soon as we win the war on terror.

“Everything needs to be XXL (houses, cars, refrigerators, Burgers, breast implants,…)”

How’s that 300 square feet of living space in Germany doing for you? Other than the breast implants, which can be explained by evolution, we need large because our founding fathers, God rest their souls, want us to settle in a vast frontier of rich, bountiful land. Ever heard of the Homestead Act? Otherwise this land would just go to waste, and what’s the point of that? As for automobiles, I’d like to see you drive one of your fuel-efficient scooter smart cars on a real highway and see how long you survive as SUV monsters of American pride block your puny visual field.

As an American citizen, I just can’t stand by and watch as foreigners trash the country I’ve grown up in. Instead of acting out in a pointless jealous rage, I think this German should get a J-O-B so he can afford to buy one of our state-of-the-art plasma televisions. Just don’t forget to budget for the necessary Monster cables.

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