Before Sex, After Sex

On the surface, it looks like sex ruins things—the dynamic changes, the energy dissipates, and the tension disappears. Sometimes the relationship lasts, but most of the time, it doesn’t.

Before sex, it’s all about showing up on time and smelling nice. The sexual tension does the rest. It helps you idealize your partner to keep you motivated and on task. I can’t be the only guy to think I’m falling in love with a girl only to lose all interest after I catch my breath. While this tension will never be as high as the moment before that first penetration, it can be maintained at a healthy level with spontaneity, unpredictability, and creativity—qualities that only come as a result of effort.

Effort. I think this culture used to be about putting in effort and hard-work back when our parents were coming up, but it’s been replaced with expectation. All of us are trained to expect things. We expect to afford a nice car and house for going to college. We expect to be entertained every day . We expect the dead person to be scraped off the road in a timely manner so that we can make yoga class. The problem with expectation is that it leads to entitlement, and entitlement leads to a lack of effort. If both of you are not putting in more effort after sex, things will fade out.

The big issue with out generation is not with getting laid (we’re in a golden era for that), but with what we believe a relationship should be. He believes beauty queens should fall from the sky if he is earning six figures and she believes Prince Charming and Funny and Ambitious should sweep her into a McMansion because she is well-read and has pretty nails. “I put in this work to get where I am, so I am entitled to an amazing partner for life. I shouldn’t have to do more.” It doesn’t work like that. Guys: you are going to have to bring more to the table than flashing your extra glossy business card and offering to take girls to expensive dinners. Girls: it’s going to take more than just looking pretty and sending text messages.

People want the best without putting in work, without sacrificing, without caring. We expect to get more than we are putting in, but ask anyone in a happy marriage how it’s really done and they will tell you it’s all about the effort. You have to care and you have to try, every single day. Good luck finding someone here under the age of 30 who understands that concept. Instead of working towards real change to increase their value, most twenty-somethings instead whine about how life isn’t fair and how bad their luck is, as if there is a concerted effort by the overlords of our universe to keep them single and unhappy. You are responsible for your romantic happiness, and no one else. If there is a problem then get off your ass and do something about it, no matter how many years it takes to solve.

But even if you are willing to put in that effort, there is no guarantee you will get back it in return. The expectation mindset is so perverse and widespread in this country that you will quickly get frustrated at the inability of your romantic interests to put in an amount of work you think is necessary for something to last. It looks like we’ve gotten to the point where modern dating is about experiencing a lot of disappointment until you finally run into someone who gives a damn and shows it.

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  • http://www.kassyk.wordpress.com KassyK

    Amen. Great post. There is a lot that goes into making a relationship successful in the long run…while you need to have the love, the sex, the trust…you also need to have the ability to compromise, put in effort and work hard together to be on the same page and maintain all that you and your partner want in the relationship—and the biggest thing? Communication.

  • abhi

    Get better at screening.

  • mike says

    fuckin a.

  • http://rinaface.blogspot.com irina

    there’s no yin!

  • http://seekingjohngalt.wordpress.com/ Dagny T.

    Well put.

    I think what many don’t realize is that sometimes, the effort takes the form of reminding yourself that you genuinely like and love the other person when you might have lost sight of that.

    Thank you.

  • Jay Gatsby

    Great post. There is, however, a downside to putting in the effort and NOT expecting reciprocation or results. This downside is called exploitation, or put a different way, taking something (or being taken) for granted.

    The vast majority of people are inherently selfish. They care about themselves first and foremost, and if you offer them the proverbial “free lunch”, they’ll take it without a second thought. This is usually how the dating world works. People take, and then get offended when they’re expected to reciprocate, despite the fact that they received something for nothing. I’m trying to be gender-neutral here, but women are more likely to be selfish in the dating game than men.

    In relationships, the dynamic doesn’t necessarily change. Men often make tremendous sacrifices to provide for their families, and yet after the first few years of marriage, their wives assign less and less significance to such sacrifices. In a word, such sacrifices are EXPECTED. No brownie points are awarded for working long hours or taking a second job, since it’s his RESPONSIBILITY to provide for the family. Little is often said about her responsibilities. Thus, the evolution is from EXTRAORDINARY to EXPECTED, and eventually to RESPONSIBILITY and OBLIGATION.

    In a relationship (and perhaps in life generally) do not take your partner for granted, but don’t cater to his/her ego either. Be firm, but fair in what you expect of your partner, and communicate those expectations to your partner. Likewise, don’t be afraid of calling your partner out when he/she fails to live up to your expectations. Hoping your partner will live up to your expectations doesn’t work.

  • http://www.timetoupgrade.blogspot.com mm

    Nice post. You’re getting soft on us!
    Nothing great in life can be gotten without hard work.

  • http://my-gournal.blogspot.com gn

    I agree with mm — I was quite surprised to read about something women and men can do to improve relationships.

    “We expect the dead person to be scraped off the road in a timely manner so that we can make yoga class.” Haha.

  • virglekent

    hold up, you get text messages???

    Damn it, I don’t even get that!

    Good post though

  • phi

    Jay Gatsby, now that Chaco has been put out to pasture, Roosh should give you the Friday guest spot.

  • http://inowpronounceyou.wordpress.com/ inowpronounceyou

    This is spot on, Roosh. I could not agree any more with every aspect of this.

  • james

    Man, you’re making me believe I picked the right one to marry. Huzzah to low drama, work and appriciation!

  • boc

    Well said, as usual.

    It’s a shame that most guys, especially “science/nerd guys” end up settling down with the first woman who is affectionate and doesn’t cause ridiculous extremely out of proportion problems. Losers.

  • Days of Broken Arrows

    I’d be careful about extecting too much.

    My ex’s mother was like this — she’d go from man to man, because each one didn’t meet her expectations.No matter what guy she was with, she’d find something wrong: Too quiet, too loud, works too much, works too little.

    I just heard from the ex and “mom” is now indigent in a Baltimore crack house. This is someone who once lived in a tony DC townhouse. God punishes in mysterious ways, or whatever the hell my grandmother used to say.

  • http://roissy.wordpress.com/ Roissy

    gatsby:
    “but women are more likely to be selfish in the dating game than men.”

    this is true, and it’s not just because young women are conditioned to behave this way but because they really ARE inherently more valuable to the continuation of the species than men. they can afford to be more selfish without incurring a fitness hit in the way a selfish man would. men do their part to perpetuate women’s selfish behavior by catering to their every delusion with flattery, drink-buying, and chasing while they are young and pretty.

    of course, as these selfish women age and lose their looks, men will begin to show their true nature around them. they will very quickly unlearn their selfish habits or resign themselves to a life of loneliness.

  • me

    Wow I think this is your best post ever because it is one of the few that is rational. Thanks for finally realizing the men and women share some aspect of fault and responsibility when it comes to relationships.

  • boc

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/south_east/6552333.stm

    Ahahahahaha! Too funny on too many levels.

  • Some Catchy Chic

    I agree with allll of that. People expect things to just play out like a romantic-comedy. They never try and go the extra mile to make things work. Shitty.

  • http://www.myspace.com/yeders Yeders

    awesome post mate..
    “Before sex, it’s all about showing up on time and smelling nice. The sexual tension does the rest. It helps you idealize your partner to keep you motivated and on task. I can’t be the only guy to think I’m falling in love with a girl only to lose all interest after I catch my breath.”
    I can’t agree more.
    Sad, but true. its all about the anticipation. If a girl gives it to you after the first date. then its not the same was waiting after the 3rd or something.. bet hey… it happens it happens, I’m not exactly going to say no to sex.

    another thing is, that people tend to think everything in this world comes easy, a relationship comes easy.. or another thing i find, is that everyone is “too busy” for a relationship, well to make it last and enjoyable anyway, thats because you need to actually make time and commit yourself. If i find the right girl, I’ll stick. if i want to make time for her, then i will.. if i don’t, then thats it. I’m finding I’m a slippery icy slope and i need a girl with some mountain climbing boots.

  • LaPay

    This whole losing interest after sex thing is really overstated. The fact is that if you connect with the person on more than just that level then the sex will be just as nice the second, third, fourth time..maybe even get hotter. I think of it like that Ed Norton movie where he’s dating Rosario Dawson and he says somehting like “she’s the only woman I have fantasized about after having sex.” If the chemistry is there and you really click, the sex will still be good. And this applies whether you do it on the first date or not, because the underlying chemistry doesn’t change.

    Also, I don’t think it’s a straightforward comparison between generations. A lot of people from our parents’ gen are divorced – do you think most of them put in the time and effort you’re talking about? Doubtful. As a woman and hearing so many stories from women of all ages, I also believe it has to do with women now being less willing to put up with their husbands’ sub-par treatment.

    Finally, a lot of people don’t want to work on things because of either laziness or they are totally dysfunctional and a lot of the time can’t even admit there’s something wrong or they might be at fault. This is the big thing you have to watch out for when getting married. Somebody who is perpetually in denial.

  • kathy101110

    I agree with everything, which is unusual. I especially like the last sentence. No one has a work ethic about anything these days: their family, friends, job, relationship, even the microcosm of sex.

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  • Anonymous

    Roosh. You are the greates idiot I have ever met. I met you in person and you are completely empty. You must be such a shallow guy to think only about women and sex. I would never sleep with an idiot with you even if you were the last guy on this planet. I rather be lesbian than even kiss you. Get a life.

  • Anonymous

    I think you’re on something huge here

  • Heena

    interesting post! ;)

  • isha

    hi this is ishe i did a sex alot time woth my boyfriend and whenever we do sex its really painfull 2 me me it hurts a lot why?

  • kookimebux

    Hello. And Bye. :)

  • timechange

    this was great post, here my problem is that my wife confess me that she is haveing illegal affair with her secret boyfriend, still i forgave her on some conditions. now my proble is that whenever i see her vagina its pale in colour and sometimes even i don’t have sex with her for a day or two, on the time of seeing her vagina its red like red chilli…. does it mean that again she is having sex with someone? please clarify me…

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  • Miss Wrong

    To Timechange: the color of a woman’s vagina does not indicate her sexual experience or desire. Please don’t think she’s having sex with someone else if her vagina looks differently than before. A women’s appearance will change from day to day no matter what. If you forgive her, then forgive her. If not, then divorce her and you can both move on to other people.

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  • Timothy

    This touches on something I’ve always believed – the various shifts in power over the course of a relationship. During the dating process, women have the power, because men are in the position of having to show their worth. Wining, dining, catering, etc. because we want a woman’s companionship and affection. We understand, as annoying and sometimes humiliating as it is, that we have to jump through these hoops. Once we crack it for the first time, the power immediately shifts. That “strong” and “independent” woman becomes immediately insecure and needy. This continues for a while until you settle into your relationship routine, and the power shifts back to her again. And it pretty much stays that way. Next comes the hinting/pressuring for the engagement ring. Then the wedding, and kids, and the mundane life of no affection. Then the divorce and becoming a weekend father.

  • 33

    its very true well stated roosh
    From what i analyzed from many men and myself included. Is that mostly women are far more likely to have strong sense of entitlements..while some men exist that feel entitle’d to things they mostly likely are encouraged by society to earn it.
    but in the case of woman..they feel that they need to create no effort whatsoever for anything they gain.

    For-example she wish to spend more of her husbands money..She finds it offensive if he were to ask her to love him a little better or be less rude or ask her anything for that matter.

    Because concept of exchange doesn’t exist in their minds..even if you give her all that you have in the world your life your money and your existence
    considered normal …because a man is “provider”
    But what is a woman ?
    There is no definition of a woman…because women used to be “assistant” or possession of the man

    The man was the leader and Provider…

    Today the man is still the Provider and still has to DO EVERYTHING FOR HER including being a LEADER

    BUT SHE EXPECTS TO BE HIS EQUAL.

    its like YOUR BOSS OWNS COMPANY AND PAYS YOU YOUR SALARY…HE DOES ALL THE MAJOR DECISIONS
    and YOU DEPEND ON HIM…
    TELL ME MEN . ARE YOU HIS EQUAL ?

    thats the reality of the problem.

    Women are by nature inferior to man…
    They are never equals.
    women want to feel like equals..
    But in reality if you practice true equality she goes for divorce.

    YOu need to be leader and boss …but shes equal.

    Thats why its never going to work
    I wont do twice the effort only to be your equal.

    Many women go to high paying jobs…how many of them would be willing to split their salary with a husband that doesn’t work but feels equal and spends your cash on RINGS AND GOLD AND DRESSES BUT STILL TALKS TO YOU LIKE THEY WORKED FOR IT
    .
    Majority of cases Woman marry upwards ..because they want a leader to take care of them.

    Men marry downwards they want a slave or something inferior

    hence women that are rich or educated or higher class then the man they are to marry.
    Are less likely to be married.

    woman wont marry poor men it mostly ends with divorce.

    AND men mostly dont marry women that are more richer or more intelligent then them
    Mostly creates problems
    Men naturally seek things weaker then them.

    hence some women play dumb

  • http://aol.com Marco Montini

    I so whole-heartedly agree -to and with every word! However I also agree with some of the other comments. I’ll discuss the ones in “equality” and used by someone selfish who doesn’t want to reciprcate. These are at least some what related. Please pardon me if I go to The (Good) Book for a bit of explanation and authority.
    Many women and men, and especially men, are willing to even lie and cheat to get what they want from the other sex, and not only refuse to reciprocate, but leave desolate in the dust as they go on there merry way tp continue their pilaging. Mostly women look to acquire money and men to acquire sex. This is (I believe) a reason why Jesus said, be mild and gentle like the lamb but “sly” like the snake since “they” will (ruin) “kill you” give half a chance. Likewise, he said don’t throw oearls at the feet of swine since they will trample them down and then (even) rend you for more!

  • http://aol.com Marco Montini

    Obviously, I really didn’t talk too much about the “equality” issue; alluding to difference between male and female “users”, who wish not to reciprocate.
    I think most people confuse the word “equality” with the words “is the same as”. 2+1=9÷3 in terms of “equality”, but you will note that the math and numerical elements are distinctly different on both sides of the equal sign. So 2+1=9÷3=3, but digits and math activity is different in 2+1 from what is found in 9÷3 and even from (the result) 3. This I think shows the situation in regards to “men” and “women”. Aren’t we all human with similar needs and wants? We both require physical and emotional affection. We all need ro be able to trust and even truly depend on our partners. So, what’s the difference? Biology, emotions and physical make-up. But didn’t I just say mich of this is similar among men and women? In fact men and women are “equal”, but they are not “the same”. Each must treat their partner equally as good as they want to be treated, but (in doing so) they must treat their partner of the opposite sex somewhat different than they might want to be treated. This should lead to jealousy of the other’s “position”, but rather musf be mastered with Understanding. Some attempts to increase this understanding include the book, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. Think about it; would you treat someone from a different culture the same as someone in your own culture if their culture finds some wording/activity in your culture somewhat offensive in their culture? If you cared for the person, you would take care not to offend them even if you would not be offended by an acti ity that offends them.
    St. Paul of Tarsus explained this difference between men and women, along with the accompanying need for an “equality” in devotion to one another. He indicates that a woman must respect a man as the head of the family as Jesus is respe ted as the head of the church, but a man must love his woman (and family) so much that he would be willing to lay down his very life for her (their) benefit in the same way Jesus is willing to e en lay down his life for the Church/us. There is “equal” devotion. There is not oppression of a woman if a man truly loves her; since he wants only her happiness and does not want to push her into unpleasentness if he can possibly avoid it. She, on her part rsspe ts this about her man, and tries to help him as much as possible (make his life easier and- not harder), even giving him thoughtful and considerate advice in a respectful manner without being overly insistent and abrasive. His love for her makes him consider all her feelings; her needs and even her wants, as her pursues his family’s good.
    It iz mistaken to think men and women should be treated the same even though we all equally need to be treated well by our partners regardless of our sex.
    I am not ad ocating going back to having women home “barefoot and pregnant”, nor am I advocating men should be the sole “breadwinner and provider” in the family who must bear the burden of monetary support alone. Just the opposite! It is good to have women empowered so they can help their man and family. It is good for men to do household chores previouzly deemed to be “woman’s work”, since their oartner may really need a “break” in this life to prevent her from ” going crazy”. If a woman rsspe ts her husband/mate, she will be more than happy to do this in the most respectful and humble manner. If a man truly loves his wife/mate, he will be more than happy to help in house work to make her feel a bit beffer and more relaxed when she needs a break.
    This is why (I believe) the Bible speaks of the relationship between men and woman the way it does. “Equal”devotion to one another, but while each giving that much more respect/love to the other than they might to a member of the same sex.
    Remember, God/Jehovah/Yahweh/Allah created us all from just a sperm drop, so he should be est know how his creations will best function with one another.
    ButI also continue learning as I go along. I am not “perfect”, and need help and learning to make my way in the world.

  • Joe

    Wow this is accurate.

    It’s like society imies if you have some college playboy models will fall into your lap and if your a split tail and have nice clothes then a guy with a 14″ schlong two ferraris a beach house in Monaco and a mansion in Beverly Hills will come and talk to you about your feelings all day. Haha.

    Our cultur is out problem they have led us down a path of ignorance and misery and our lack of wisdom and diligence has been equally culpable. I feel like such an idiot as long as I’m alive I can strive to improve though.

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