Bitch Slappin’ The Boys

Like every other guy, there are times when the ways of women mystify me. But at other times, I must admit, my own gender makes me shake my head in confused wonderment. I am not just talking about the alien force that compels some men to sit in the hot sun watching stock cars drive around an utterly plane oval track for hours on end, hoping someone crashes horrifically to end the boredom. I am talking about the world of romance and dating. Let’s picture two typical dating scenarios:

Scenario #1

You’re in a bar and you notice a girl smiling at you. You smile back, which prompts her to walk over to you and introduce herself. She works hard at keeping the conversation going. She laughs at all your jokes, touches you playfully, and fixes her hair a lot. At closing time she asks you to escort her home. At her door she invites you in to offer you a drink. On the couch at her place, she jumps you and you have wild sex. In response, you notch your belt, tell your friends she is too easy, and never call her again.

Scenario #2

You chat up a cute girl in a coffee shop. You get her number and go out for drinks. Nice conversation follows, she seems cool and interesting. You offer to walk her home, she says there is no need, but you insist, and after some back and forth, she reluctantly agrees. At her front door she stops to say goodnight and you tell her you have to use the bathroom, so she lets you in. After you have pretended to use the bathroom, you sit with her on the couch and bust a move. While making out, she tells you repeatedly that she can’t be up late and needs to work in the morning. She moves your hand away from whatever private part you are attempting to grope. She struggles to keep various pieces of clothing on as you attempt to remove them. Finally, either through exhaustion from fighting off your attempts, eagerness to please this cool new guy she is on a date with, or simply the natural horniness that comes from long sessions of making out and being groped, she relents and sleeps with you. In response, you notch your belt, tell your friends she is too easy, and never call her again.

What’s odd about this is that if both girls above had put up more resistance and denied their men the ultimate prize, the guys might have called again. Guys, does this make any sense? If a girl bangs on the night you met her or on the first date, she is likely to bang the next time you see her, so what exactly is the problem is here?

I’ll never understand this. To me, this kind of bait and switch thing is what we “logical” guys like to blame “emotional” girls for. We guys constantly complain how girls demand we treat them to expensive dinners and flowers, only to decide, after we dutifully comply, that we are “too nice.” They tell us they “have a lot going on right now” and are “too busy to date anyone,” but a few weeks later we see those same girls grinding on some frat boys wearing cowboy hats in Heaven & Hell.

As far I was concerned, I had no problem with a girl who was ready to get busy real quick. When that happened, I just patted myself on the back for having pimp tight game. I mean, hey, I can’t really blame a girl for having sound judgment in men, can I? Once I was done giving myself props, I started making plans to get the good stuff from her again.

When I was playing the game, I wasn’t playing for the love of opening lines, phone numbers, or first dates. I wasn’t spending weekend nights trolling in trashy Adams Morgan bars until 3:00AM for the joy of communing with sweaty, drunken humanity. I wanted the ultimate prize. When I got it, I sure didn’t want to throw it back so fast. I wanted a healthy rate of return on my investment.

Think of how many guys make promises to Satan himself that they will never be nice to a woman again because they got burned by the dinner & flowers trick all through college. Now ask yourself how many girls swear they will make guys wait at least 5 dates before sex because they got burned for giving it up “too soon.” Fellas, does it ever occur to you that if you reward “good behavior,” you’re likely to see a lot more of it?

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