Blue Balls

I don’t think women understand that getting “blue balled” causes actual physical pain. It’s not just something we say to joke around. Here’s how it works:

When a man gets aroused, his testicles pump cream towards the end of the pipe in anticipation of sex. The cream has millions of little guys who want to get out, like a crowd of people trying to exit a burning building. If time passes and they’re still stuck in the pipe, they get backed up and trample all over each other. This creates pressure, which is felt as pain by the man.

Getting blue balled feels like a 5-year-old punched you in the balls. It’s not enough to bring you to your knees but the pain comes up to your abdomen and feels very uncomfortable. There is only one way to relive the pain, and that’s to open the pipe so the little guys come out. This can either be done either with the aid of a female or alone in your parents basement.

The arousal has to be intense and sustained for there to be blue ball pain. Watching porn for an hour will not cause blue balls, but being physical with a girl for an hour where you play with her boobs will. I imagine each guy has a certain blue ball threshold.

Opening the valve on a high-pressure pipe causes a more forceful ejection. Cover your eyes.


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  • mm

    Thanks for the sex education. I especially loved your use of the words “cream” and “little guys”.

  • bunifah

    boo hoo so hard to be a man!

  • The Brooklyn Boy

    Dear Roosh,

    Thanks for bringing awareness to a “sore” subject.

    That is all.


  • Arjewtino

    You’re definitely right about some (many? most?) women presuming that this is just something we say to get in their pants. Maybe some guys DO use it, but like prostate exams, it’s not something to joke around with.

  • gn

    Gotta finish what you start. Women AND men. (See rage-filled post from Monday.)

  • Yeders

    definitely agree with you…. most girls just don’t realise how painful it actually is!!

  • willPower

    Maybe they do know that it does, in fact, cause pain.

    Heinous, evil women.

  • Nikita

    Roosh, are we to infer that you did not get laid last night? On your birthday? ON FLAG DAY?!? Say it ain’t so.

  • Phil

    In the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln:

    “I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence, and I have never had a feeling testicularly that did not make me want to cum all over your face.” – A. Lincoln

  • azuzuru

    As my college buddy used to say, “If she’s gonna play with my gun, she better be prepared to shoot it!”

  • Mr Boofu

    Sort of like that guy sitting on the stool in the kitchen waiting for his girl/boy to come out, only to see Chris Hansen from “Dateline, to catch a predator” come out…Yeah man those dam smurf balls ain’t no joke…You also forgot sight of sheriff as another cure…

  • Red

    I experienced the female version of that. Maybe call it Blue Clit?

  • Phil

    Red I believe that is considered a case of “anxious beaver”.

  • Jessica

    You need a good girlfriend who never says no…

  • Anonymous

    fuck i never knew about this blue ball thing until it happened after playing with my girlfriend for a few hours. shit it hurts

  • bob

    dude my balls hurt in the shower wot the hell we were only kissing for an hour or so and i had a semi but when i got home shit dude it hurt for a good half hour

  • Happy n Nice

    There absolutely is a female equivalent to this phenomenon. Women experience a less focal but more widerspread “pelvic congestion” that without sexual release will cause a feeling that is not unlike early birthing labor pains. This pelvic aches tends to persist and cannot be relieved as easily as pelvic congestion (blue balls) in men. Several successive released may ease the horrendous twisting ache in women however, it may make it worse.

    My suggestion is that we take better care of one another and not let these things happen in the first place. Prevention trumps cure.

  • Randy

    mmm, being blue balled is not a nice feeling, only happened to me twice but it really does hurt. i have to like lay down for a good half hour before it subsides.

    ROFL azuzuru, “If she’s gonna play with my gun, she better be prepared to shoot it!”

    thats good i’ll use that ;P

  • anonymous

    well for me this blue balls last for days , i have to lay down an feel the pain

  • anonymous

    till it goes away

  • anonymous

    I had sex with my girlfriend and she didnt let me finish so I took here home and my balls felt like the got hit with bunch of punches they were sore for an 2 hrs!! worst feeling ever!! now I tell her let me finish lol