The NY Times ran a story about how for the first time ever, 51% of women are not living with a spouse. But take a look at the first picture.
A lonely woman with a cat!
Cat ladies typically start with one cat until they add “just one more” enough times to have dozens and dozens of cats who sleep in sinks and defecate in bathtubs filled with gravel and sand. I predict a cat lady epidemic of catastrophic proportions in the next thirty years because of the strange phenomenon whereby American women look for a husband after their physical prime. I love cats, but I fear how they will be treated by spinsters that even human beings don’t want to deal with. There will be government animal units that specialize exclusively with removal of cats and the cat lady overlord still glued to her feces infested rocking chair.
Many of you reading are destined to be cat ladies, but now with my Cat Lady Early Detection Quiz, you can get help before it’s too late.
Cat Lady Early Detection Quiz
1. Do you think a cat is a suitable emotional substitution for a man?
2. Have friends or relatives given up asking you when you are going to get married?
3. Are you so scared you will not have kids in time that you have casually looked into adoption web sites?
4. Do you like rubbing your hands through luxuriously soft and furry materials?
5. Do you hug your pillow and cry yourself to bed, wishing a man with a heartbeat was next to you?
6. Have you ever broke off a serious relationship because you wanted to party all the time?
7. To land a man, do you feel like you may need to “trick” him?
8. Do you look forward to marriage so you can finally eat entire pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in one sitting without guilt?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, I have some bad news: you will end up being a cat lady. Mainstream medicine and psychotherapy has not just caught on to the cat lady problem, but I have personally developed a program which will save you in just one session. Simply email me with your photo and I will suggest a local bar near your place where we can begin your treatment. Dress sexy.