Cat Lady Early Detection Quiz

The NY Times ran a story about how for the first time ever, 51% of women are not living with a spouse. But take a look at the first picture.

16census1901.jpg

A lonely woman with a cat!

Cat ladies typically start with one cat until they add “just one more” enough times to have dozens and dozens of cats who sleep in sinks and defecate in bathtubs filled with gravel and sand. I predict a cat lady epidemic of catastrophic proportions in the next thirty years because of the strange phenomenon whereby American women look for a husband after their physical prime. I love cats, but I fear how they will be treated by spinsters that even human beings don’t want to deal with. There will be government animal units that specialize exclusively with removal of cats and the cat lady overlord still glued to her feces infested rocking chair.

Many of you reading are destined to be cat ladies, but now with my Cat Lady Early Detection Quiz, you can get help before it’s too late.

Cat Lady Early Detection Quiz

1. Do you think a cat is a suitable emotional substitution for a man?
2. Have friends or relatives given up asking you when you are going to get married?
3. Are you so scared you will not have kids in time that you have casually looked into adoption web sites?
4. Do you like rubbing your hands through luxuriously soft and furry materials?
5. Do you hug your pillow and cry yourself to bed, wishing a man with a heartbeat was next to you?
6. Have you ever broke off a serious relationship because you wanted to party all the time?
7. To land a man, do you feel like you may need to “trick” him?
8. Do you look forward to marriage so you can finally eat entire pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in one sitting without guilt?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, I have some bad news: you will end up being a cat lady. Mainstream medicine and psychotherapy has not just caught on to the cat lady problem, but I have personally developed a program which will save you in just one session. Simply email me with your photo and I will suggest a local bar near your place where we can begin your treatment. Dress sexy.

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  • blog-anon

    Yet one more reason to begin investing in the cat food industry. Why most women don’t like dogs, I’ll never know. Perhaps it’s a projection thing in regards to the behaviours of the cat?

  • http://www.kassyk.blogspot.com KassyK

    I have to agree with this one. I love cats and I love dogs but I cannot imagine living alone and having more than just my kitty I have now. And the people with a million cats have a hoarding disease. They no longer care about the emotional well being of their pets…they are just insane.

  • Weatherman Says

    If you go to the Newsbusters.org, you’ll find two pretty good deconstructions of the NYT story. They skewed the numbers (counting unmarried teen girld) to get the result they wanted to one thing…

  • Ribald

    HAHAHAHAHA… i have dated three girls in the past 4 years who have totally succumbed to this syndrome. all of them had awesome potential, but loved that fucking pussy who pissed and shat all over their flats more than they could ever love me or any man. the first two times i got pushed out b/c they wanted to give more attention to the cat; the last time i told the girl to beat it once i realized i could never compete with the cat.

  • single girl, no cat

    What about the single hetero guys with cats?

    The same logic applies?

    Yes, I do know a few.

  • http://lmntalattraction.blogspot.com LMNt

    You are the man. Seriously, this is the best thing I’ve read in months. Keep rockin’.

  • Original Sally

    “4. Do you like rubbing your hands through luxuriously soft and furry materials?”

    Who doesn’t?

    I, however, have a bunny.

  • sean

    One of the first questions I ask a woman is whether or not she has a cat. If yes, I immediately end the converstation and walk off. Wretched creatures = wretched women.

  • Dina

    LMNt, this is the best thing you’ve read in months??? Jesus.

  • GnR

    I am generally very skeptical of people who like cats more than dogs.

  • http://bigfatslob.wordpress.com DC Satirist
  • Anonymous

    “What about the single hetero guys with cats?”

    Most guys don’t believe a cat can be a sufficient substitution for a female human, and the few that do actually find themselves criminalized in a number of states …

  • Roissy

    i’ve spoken to a number of women about men and pets and the conclusion seems to be that the ideal player pet depends a lot on what kind of women he prefers to seduce. for the discriminating man who chooses his pet based on how it can enhance his skirt-chasing lifestyle, big cornfed dogs with legs and a friendly disposition will reel in the down to earth, the traditional, the commitment-oriented, and the marriage-minded girls. toy dogs will get you party girls, golddiggers, LJBFs, and trannies. cats lure emotional girls, artsy types, freaks, and sophisticated foreigners.

    any pet, like an ant farm or a collection of stink beetles, will work on fat chicks.

    dogs are high maintenance so owning one telegraphs that you are a man who is willing to sacrifice his personal freedom for loved ones and is probably ready to settle down. the downside (from a girl’s POV) is that dogs are needy and excessively affectionate. since we tend to project the pet’s characteristics onto the owner, girls who are not husband-hunting may find a guy who values the abject loyalty and unbridled slobbery love of a dog to be somewhat needy himself, and hence a turn-off. emotional girls dislike dogs because they see them as rivals for the man’s attention.

    cats are tricky because they are such feminine creatures. cats embody virtually no outwardly obvious masculine energies, except one, and that one is a doozy. non-neediness. a guy who can pull off owning a cool suave cat, like a green-eyed black cat, says all the right things to the kinds of girls who feed off drama, fantasize a lot, start self-medicating blogs, and believe in the sanctity of the soulmate hypothesis. it tells them you are a guy who doesn’t need an animal humping his leg to feel validated.

    but nothing beats a recessed saltwater fish tank.

  • DF

    You should add ownership of toy poodles to this phenomenon. There are many women in NY that own them and wear them like an accessory. I suspect they own a small dog out of fear of being labeled a “cat lady” but they’re still spinsters in the making.

  • http://rinaface.blogspot.com Irina

    Well in New York, many older ladies are single, and many of them have dogs, and many of them hardly ever leave Manhattan.

    What this leads to is a sight I saw this morning:
    Older woman, about fifty or sixty: wearing a red satin coat with a feather boa-like collar. She was walking her two white Yorkies, both of whom were wearing the same outfit as her.

    Sad.

  • Steve Irwin

    Stingrays make horrible pets mate!!! You get em pissed off they will break your heart, literally!!

  • Crooks and Bibles

    a guy who can pull off owning a cool suave cat, like a green-eyed black cat, says all the right things to the kinds of girls who feed off drama, fantasize a lot, start self-medicating blogs, and believe in the sanctity of the soulmate hypothesis. it tells them you are a guy who doesn’t need an animal humping his leg to feel validated.

    but nothing beats a recessed saltwater fish tank.
    **************************************************
    A guy who owns a cat is gay dude. Men own dogs, Women own cats. Any combination of vice versa means your gay. Straight Isiah Washington.
    I own a fish tank because I need fake balla status. I sprinkled diamonds in the gravel to make my water twinkle……

  • Mandy

    Roissy….hahahahaha…your insight is both hilarious and depressing…

    Men can own cats OR dogs. As long as their apartment isn’t covered with hair and doesn’t smell like a litter box, it’s all good.

    And no more than one pet, or two at most, unless you live on a ranch or have kids.

    The absolute BEST is when a guy is out walking a puppy, like a small chocolate labrador retriever. Bonus points if he cleans up after the dog.

  • anon

    haha! fun stuff!

    Dina.. you going to professional school at howard by any chance?

  • Roissy

    “A guy who owns a cat is gay dude.”

    generally true. however, some of the world’s greatest pickup artists are cat owners. there is one i knew as an acquaintance who owned two black cats and he banged over 30 quality girls in a year. the cats were an instrumental part of his seduction routine.

    it takes a really secure and confident man to pull off owning a cat.

  • http://www.playazball.com Phil

    Wow! I noticed a “top commenters” on the sidebar. I’ve got to get to work if I’m going to be #1!

    Original Sally, my wife owned a rabbit, which thankfully died recently. It lived a life much the same as a prisoner on death row – 23 hour lockdown in a 2′x 4′ cage. Most worthless pet I’ve ever been around.

  • Crooks and Bibles

    Phil: Did you cook that rabbit up and eat it with a nice side of cooked fava beans and a nice kianti????

    Roissey: So basically your telling me Cats are like the new Pink??????

  • Crooks and Bibles

    VK turned his blog into a porn blog….Nice!!!!!

  • gunslingergregi

    The good side to the cat ladies is that they contribute to the economy by working and buying lots of cat toys and having a house for them and there cats. They probably work for more time than if they where to get married. The cats won’t work to pay the bills if the woman doesn’t want to, as a Man would.

  • http://www.playazball.com Phil

    I am on my way to VK’s now C&B.

    As for the rabbit – I offered to throw it in the dumpster, to no avail.

  • Dina

    Cat ladies are depressing, but I can see why more and more women prefer animals and careers to pussies formerly known as men.

  • vb

    sounds like scara doesnt it rooshie?

  • gunslingergregi

    Yea its good Dina helps the economy a lot. Then the single men work real hard to, and everyone can be just married to work. Although a friend of mine she can make 25k in 2 days, now she really wants kids but it is really hard to find someone to have them with after being posessed with work. Priorities tend to change with time before you realize it. A lot easier for me to be possessed with work as I don’t need a woman who is on the same level financially as a woman does. I need a woman who is married to me not her job.

  • anon 2

    So Dina.. you missed the question. You going to grad school at Howard?

  • Jewcano

    A big dogs says to girls, “I’m financially well off enough to afford a yard sufficient for this fellah to poop in.” A small dog says “My landlord doesn’t let me keep real pets but this little ratling can be smuggled out in a duffel.” Small dogs are awfully sissyish, with few exceptions; I had a border collie for a while and I’d consider that about the lower bound. Cats are a lot easier to pull off if you can get a tom, there is nothing metrosexual at all about a good male ratcatcher.

    Cat girls pale next to the 28-year old virgin I dated briefly who had spent over 20,000 dollars for a hip replacement for her German shepherd. That girl had “Run like hell” practically tattooed on her forehead.

    Phil, don’t get too excited about the top commenters chart. At the moment I appear to be sandwiched in between gunslingergregi and Pagan Marbury. From what I understand, that is no sandwich you ever, ever want to be a part of.

  • gunslingergregi

    hahahhaahah I think Pagan may at least be female, after 4 months with nothing and driving in a car is a problem when you want to get out. Shoot a couple more posts lol

  • gandu

    i thought it’s only the lesbians who owned cats

  • Dina

    Gansling: you missed the point
    Anon: no I don’t

  • http://www.menandcats.com Janine

    I know a lot of straight men who have cats – in fact, I have an entire web site devoted to men who love cats – http://www.menandcats.com. I think part of the reason a lot of my straight, male friends have cats rather than dogs because I live in New York City – we all live in pretty small spaces. The only men I know who have dogs in NYC got their dogs when they were living somewhere else and then moved here with their dogs.

  • http://www.playazball.com Phil

    But I like sandwiches.

    This one puts me in the Pagan/Liz. Hope they like my “meat”.

  • Roissy

    i’m not sure i want to be the olive on top of this dagwood.

  • http://www.playazball.com Phil

    You would have a lot to live up to, Pagan. Remember I’ve ravaged Dian Parkinson before.

  • c4

    this is a pantheon-level, first-ballot hall-of-famer.

  • Single girl, no cat

    sorry, the hetero guys I know with cats are big time players.

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  • http://www.jamisaunders.com jamiNYC

    I’m doing a Cat Lady photo project! Wont you be in it?
    If you have more than one cat…you’re in. And I’ll give you a print for your time.
    If you live in or near Brooklyn…give a shout!
    Thanks.

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    hehehe great article, thanks!

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  • Marmot

    A tragicomic article related to this topic:

    http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2011/02/05/us/AP-US-Buried-With-Fluffy.html?ref=global-home

    “I’ve elected not to be married — it just didn’t happen, I was engaged a few times — and I didn’t have children,” the 61-year-old Levy said. “And these little furry kids, they just became my first and foremost love. So I wanted to be close after I died.”

  • Marmot

    Also, the cat lady syndrome now also includes rabbits, dogs and – would you believe it – PIGS:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/17/garden/17pets.html?src=me&ref=general

    The fact that the article is from the point of view of a 53 year old spinster, a woman first married at 47 and a gay couple, it is no surprise.

  • pedro

    lots of chicks are dog ladies too. they just have less dogs then cat ladies have cats.

  • Nick

    Sean I get your point but just remember the relationship arrangement. Cats look down on ppl and will bail at the first sign of trouble. Dogs look up to you and will remain loyal through thick and thin. Women are naturally subservient and thus don’t mind an animal that demands shit, only wants affection on its terms, and f*cks off the second it stops getting fed.

    But GnR, you are right. How anyone could love cats over dogs boggles the mind. Guns n Roses FKNING rock btw :)

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  • Sif

    I beg to disagree here. Most of the cat ladies I met were not unmarried feminazi spinsters, but old widows who were abandoned by their children. Having so many cats is a hoarding disorder, just like the people who hoard trash and weird collections. Becoming a hoarder (or cat lady) is not limited to unmarried spinsters in NYC, it happens in traditional communities overseas too. I have seen a lot of such cat ladies in a traditional Middle Eastern country where people care for their elderly parents, but sometimes they abandon their elderly parent for the sake of their asshole/cunt of a spouse and abandon them to live with a bunch of cats. It’s sad, but life is a bitch.

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  • http://www.HowtoTravelEuropeCheap.com Kris Kemp

    I do not date girls with pets. For one, they stink up the house. The girl, typically, will justify it, because she is used to the smell. Then, she’ll make it worse, by spraying toxic products with fake lemon smells into the air, in order to mask/cover the smell. Secondly, the pet’s hair gets everywhere. Thirdly, owning a pet is an expensive waste of money. Usually girls justify pet ownership, when they own a dog, by saying it’s for protection. It would be cheaper for them to buy a knife or gun, learn how to use it, and/or take karate lessons. Fourthly, the pet takes up time and attention.

    I dated a girl with a dog and the dog would jump up in bed with us during our intimate moments. We would argue about that and it got frustrating. I no longer date her.

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    Women with dogs are just as bad if not worse. Cat people don’t french kiss their pets the way dog owners do. They don’t get manicures for their cats, or buy them diamond collars, or send them to day spas where they can get a doggy massage. Dog people are fucked up, but it’s always the cat owners that get flack.

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  • Cal Mann

    I’m allergic to cats, and extremely so. I hope I never land a cat lady.