Why do young Americans try to prove that they are more mature than they are? I’m talking about the type that will not hesitate to tell you situations they’ve been in that made them grow “faster” than their peers.

I had a coworker who would always say he’s worked since 16. Or this girl would always tell me she’s lived abroad and is “different” than girls her age, and another who kept bringing up the painful child divorce and how she had to go to school and work at the same time (the horror!). With all that experience I’m surprised they missed visits to countries where 10-year-olds work on the street for food while living in garbage bag tents next to the bus station. I think in that case they’d find their experience to be pretty damn timid.

I’ve done a couple interesting things but it’s never crossed my mind to use that as proof of my value as a person. Your past doesn’t speak for you—you speak for you. Speaking up your past is the fastest way to get labeled as a “douche” if you’re a guy and a “nerd” or “drama queen” if you’re a girl. It’s like that guy who puts his BMW key chain on the bar in a lame attempt to get attention from females.

In the end there is no substitute for the number of days you’ve lived, whether you spent that “living” abroad in some other country during college or not. There’s the claim of experience and maturity and then there’s who you are. One you can lie about, the other you can’t.

Have you noticed that when you jerk off with your other hand, it feels like someone else is doing it?

When I was younger, I used to jerk off with my other hand so it would seem like an alien was abducting me. It was all fun and games until my mom caught me. I should not have told her the truth.

If women knew how to please me, I would not have to jerk off with my other hand.

Since I’ve been back I noticed that every time I’m introduced to a girl the accepted move is to shake her hand. After cheek kissing a thousand girls in South America, I find our custom to be quite distant and unnatural. I wondered if this was only an American thing, so I contacted some people to see what the custom was for other countries.

Argentina: One cheek kiss
Brazil: One cheek kiss, but two in Rio de Janeiro
Chile: One cheek kiss
Czech: Handshake
England: Handshake
Greece: Two cheek kisses
India: You put your hands together and say “Namaste”
Iran: Absolutely no touching
Italy: Two cheek kisses
Netherlands: Handshake
Nigeria: Handshake
Russian: Confusing
Sweden: Handshake
Turkey: Two cheek kisses

photo credit: ravenmaven

And then there is France. I’ll let my French buddy Gregorie explain:

It really depends on the region but it is basically a 2 to 4 cheeck kiss. Most common is two. Four in Paris suburbs or Britany (very stupid, it is a waste of time). Three in some areas but not very common. Bourgeois give only two, lower class three or four (Argentina Mendoza was one kiss…. that was kind of sexy.)

Men usually shake hands, except for V. Good friends tend to cheek kiss but they have to be above 16 to do it. Family, cousins, and uncles kiss each other. When you are introduced to a girl if you are same age and under 30s you can kiss her hello, after it is quite complex there is no rule at all.

It is science & the secret of french love.

I was more than ready to conclude with “Western countries are more distant in their introductions,” but I cannot make such a conclusion, though I do find it is ironic that this culture is perhaps the most germophobic in the world but we continue the practice of hand-germ exchange every chance we get. I’ve started to teach girls I meet about the Argentine introduction, which I find to be most agreeable, but I don’t think it’s catching on.

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Many began to realize that the magic of leverage could also lead to their ultimate ruin.

I don’t know if you read Kunstler but his doom and gloom predictions seem to be coming true.

This list you are about to read are things I’ve always noticed about living in the States but which are especially obvious after being away for six months.

- People come in extremely large sizes. It’s amazing how much weight the human body can handle. Also…

- There is no fat stigma or shame, perhaps because we are taught to accept ourselves just the way we are. So you see gigantic beverage and food portions consumed by gigantic people in public. Unlike in some Asian countries, it is not acceptable to tell people you barely know they are overweight.

- People wear corporate logos like North Face, Under Armor or Armani Exchange with pride. They seem to identify with these logos.

- There is a mind-boggling variety of food sold in warehouse-like buildings (supermarkets), but healthy, non-processed, and somewhat natural food such as organic fruits and vegetables are far more expensive than typical food most likely derived from corn or soy.

- On the Metro, everyone has a book with them, with titles such as Making Globalization Work (no lie). You have to be doing something while waiting for something else.

- Americans are pretty funny. If they say their favorite show includes Seinfeld, The Simpsons, or Friends, they are guaranteed to make a good joke at some point in the conversation.

- Most of the middle-class population seems to have a computer phone. At bars half the crowd is typing away on their cute little keyboards.

- It’s okay to put toilet paper in the toilet bowl. But where all that flushed toilet paper go???

- There is a heavy display of wealth. People are showing off that they (may) have a lot of money as a judge of their self-worth. This is a bad idea in many other parts of the world.

In Chile I met a young Dutch guy who was telling me about his girlfriend. She went to India for a month and was so taken in by the culture that when she came back she had “serious culture shock,” moreso than when she arrived in India. He told me that in India there is less display of affection between men and women, so when he picked her up from the airport she only give him a distant hug while in new ethnic garb. At the time I thought, “That girl is full of shit,” and I can confirm it now; I’ve been gone for six months and there is no culture shock. It doesn’t even feel like I’ve been gone.

Brazilian: “Where are you from?”
Argentine: *Crickets*
American: “What do you do?”

Brazilian: Open toe slippers with some design
Argentine: Closed toe
American: Target brand flip flops

Brazilian: Hair length depends on current life stage
Argentine: Has either Argentine Girl Haircut #1 (long, with bangs) or Argentine Girl Haircut #2 (long, without bangs)
American: Short because long hair was “boring” or “too much work”

Brazilian: Makeout within 30 minutes
Argentine: Makeout if you played the game right, if the moon is aligned with Jupiter, and if her friends and little cousins like you
American: Makeout within 90 minutes

Brazilian: Takes off your jeans and boxers
Argentine: Takes off her big earrings
American: Takes off her shoes

Brazilian: She feels comfortable after sex
Argentine: She feels like she just carried out an important life decision after sex
American: She feels like a slut after sex

Brazilian: Clingy
Argentine: Distant
American: Low self-esteem

Brazilian: Gives you head
Argentine: Does not give you head
American: Gives you head if you imply / ask, but secretly hates it

Brazilian: Anal region exploration strongly encouraged
Argentine: Anal regions forbidden
American: Depends on level of intoxication

Brazilian: Has two or three caiprinha’s
Argentine: Has only one drink, the free one that came with her cover charge
American: Stops drinking when she can no longer feel her friends judging her

Brazilian: Knows how to shake and jiggle her entire body
Argentine: Knows how to dance to house music without showing any sexuality
American: Knows how to rub her ass on a man’s erection

Brazilian: Five second marathon eye contact
Argentine: No eye contact
American: Multiple one second eye contacts

Brazilian: Treats you so well you wonder why she likes you that much
Argentine: Treats you like you are that guy on the corner selling hot dogs
American: Treats you like her favorite coworker

Brazilian: Asks you if you are on Orkut
Argentine: Asks you if you are on MSN chat
American: Google’s you the second she finds out your last name. Uses results to judge your long-term relationship potential.

Brazilian: Licks your face
Argentine: Kisses like her parents are watching
American: Sucks your neck

Brazilian: “Dance With Me” by 112
Argentine: “Enjoy The Silence” by Depeche Mode
American: “Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile

Brazilian: Most extra fat winds up in ass
Argentine: Borderline anorexic
American: Rolls of meat around waist

Brazilian: “I like you”
Argentine: Pretends she doesn’t like you when she really does
American: “You’re nice”

Brazilian: Likes social drinking with friends
Argentine: Likes people watching with friends
American: Likes watching TV alone at home with tub of ice cream

Brazilian: Ugly tattoos
Argentine: Ugly piercings and ugly sunglasses
American: Ugly sunglasses

Brazilian: “I need to bang that.”
Argentine: “Wow she is really pretty.”
American: “She looks easy.”

Brazilian: Always answers the phone
Argentine: Always responds to text messages
American: Would miss the call from the President of France if he happened to call

Brazilian: If you like emotional girls who want to please you
Argentine: If you like frigid girls who chain smoke and act stupid
American: If you like frigid girls who act stupid

It is possible that my experience with Brazilian girls have been extraordinary, but then I wouldn’t be the only one. Second place is hard to place; if the Argentine girl and American girl are equally attractive, I don’t think it makes a large enough difference, but since Argentines are much cuter, it will depend on how much you value a pretty face.

Let’s take a lawyer who makes six figures. His lifestyle matches his income so he has a nice condo, a nice car, and expensive tastes. The monthly upkeep is hefty. He has a 401k but is overworked and gets at most one month of vacation a year that he takes in one week increments. Since he is tired, he’ll probably pick a nice beach resort or comfortable European city. His girlfriends are also successful and they expect him to stay successful. Taking random several month breaks to travel or relax is unacceptable; you don’t go to law school and work hard to move up in the firm to save money for a few years and then quit.

Let’s take a bartender or some sort of freelancer. He has low upkeep because he has few wants. His main expense is rent. When he’s tired of his job or his city, he takes off for a month or two at a time, picking up work when he can. He’s free and sees more of the world but money is always a problem and he always has to hustle. He hates his shitty apartment, his disrespectful roommates, and public transportation. And there’s always that nagging feeling in the back of his head that he should have higher status or be more successful. When his girlfriends get mad, they tell him he’s a loser bum.

Where’s the middle ground? How about a 30 hour work-week that doesn’t involve working for a restaurant or bar that pays well and lets you comfortably take two months off a year. Why can’t that be the American dream of owning a McShack, drowning in debt, and spending hours commuting to and from a mediocre job you’d quit if you can?

Even for the people who love their jobs, they are still spending a third of their waking life in an office building trading their labor for an income less than it’s making someone else. I’m sure a lot of those hours can be better spent doing something else.

Either be wage monkey defined by your valuable crap or watch every cent and pray you don’t get sick. Some dream.

This post is for everyone, including me. We need to stop saying “like.” Now. We’re the only English-speaking country that uses like as a filler word and it makes us sound retarded. I cringe when I meet an American, usually a West-coaster, who uses it in every sentence. I want to shake the shit out of them and say “PLEASE STOP YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT!!!” It’s distracting and serves no other purpose than to dumb down your speech. I’m all for slang though, especially English slang (to make out = snog, to like = to be keen, bang = shag, she wants cock = she’s out for it, etc.).

While I’m on this topic I have two other suggestions specifically for American girls.

1. Volume control. Why do you have to talk so loud? I’ve never had to ask an American girl to repeat herself.

2. Stop talking about yourself. No one cares about your very minor personal stories. Out of all the stories you love telling only 2% are worthy. Save the rest for amusing yourself on the bus when your IPOD runs out of batteries. After your story barrage is done and you leave the room, everyone makes fun of you.

The only potential problem American guys have is they all have the same haircut, but that doesn’t bother me.

Oh dude you left your pomade in the bathroom.

I’m never going back again. Ocean City, Maryland is superior is many ways:

-The Drunk Bus, for a last ditch attempt to get laid after the bars close
-More high school girls
-Crowded boardwalk for people watching
-Better bar venues without tattooed meathead military guys and fading cougars (though Ocean City has more white trash)
-No supersonic jets flying over you every five minutes

That jet noise, which is much louder than commercial aircraft, is due to the nearby naval base that operates 7 days a week. You had to pause your conversation every time a jet flew overhead. Now I understand how the Japanese feel.

The actual beach was alright, with ample opportunities for beach game, one of the hardest forms of game. Success at beach game, where you talk to girls on the actual beach, has eluded me even though it’s similar is concept to a form I am competent in, street game. Well this weekend I found out what beach game is:

The first thing you notice on the beach is other people’s bodies, so it would make sense that a slightly muscular body helps. If you go up to girls with a body like that, they will be very open to talking to you. A little too open. While girls were busy checking him out, I was wondering if my increasingly furry coat would make it harder for me to get a tan.

The highlight of the trip was the first night there when The Body introduced me to the drinking game Power Hour, where you drink a shot of beer every minute for an hour. It sounded easy but after 40 minutes the burping and bloating combined with some gagging made it a challenge to complete. We went to a bar afterwards where I found a chair in the corner and sat down. Three hours later, the bar closed and I got up. We didn’t play that game again.

My only regret from the trip is that we didn’t get an intimate scopes picture to cherish this beach memory forever.

Joe sent me a cartoon graphic that displays the fattest people in the world by population percentage. We are number one.

It’s surprising that a few Eastern European countries made it in the top ten. When I think Czech Republic (15%), I think of this:

Not this:

…though that may be a Brazilian flag her ass is swallowing.

Avoid English speaking countries and Mexico and you’ll do alright. The exception is Canada, which I’m guessing has thin people because it’s a barren arctic land that does not grow enough food for its predominantly Inuit population.