Many will leave disappointed.

Alternate caption: Picture I took five minutes before I got robbed.

I started the travel map with its first marker. Here’s a very rough guess of how I imagine the trip could look like if I don’t get homesick.

I figure it would be prudent to pack a few condoms in case I get laid in South America. While I’m not expecting to have sex with greater frequency than here, I want to be prepared with my preferred condom brand in case girls start throwing themselves at me. So I bought 100 condoms.

Trustex Brand

They occupy more space than I had anticipated.

The countdown at the top of the page is now in the scary single digits. I feel like I’m going into a theater of a movie I know nothing about, and other than knowing the name of my arrival city and the first hostel I’m staying at, I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m headed next. When I was young my mom would have this saying whenever I asked her where we’re going. Wherever the wind takes us. I think it’s her way of saying go with the flow, to not be concerned with the final destination.

But she’s concerned about this.

The other night she tried to convince me to stay. You’re stupid to throw away a comfortable life at your age. To her, my happiness needs to measurable and concrete, like having my own place, a j-o-b, a nice car, money in the bank that is growing instead of evaporating. The only way I could stop the tears in her eyes from falling was to tell I would be back soon, resume my unfullfilling career, and never do something like this again. Certainly taking a trip of this nature will sap the will and desire to take another one and push me to settle down in the suburbs where I can motor around from work to gym to bar to home. I’ll just get it out of my system now before I get old. She smiled.

My dad doesn’t think I’ll last longer than two months, and he’s been more supportive than some of my friends. While I would like to travel for at least six months, it is totally possible I’ll not like things down there and quickly return to the safety of my dad’s damp basement, ant infestation and all. I kept this in mind when declining to have a Farewell Roosh party with my friends. I imagine it would be a little lame if I threw this big party and returned before DC’s first snow. The only reason I have a feeling I’ll be away for a while is because I know that once I return I’ll have to resume working. I rather cross the Atlantic and let the Euro finish off my savings.

The other Friday night I went to the late-night Starbucks / Barnes & Noble. I found it strange that the parking lot was filled and a cop car was parked in front of the building. Inside, I noticed half the people I saw had witches hats or round nerd glasses. Little girls in capes encircled my table in the geographic middle of the cafe and every thirty minutes a cute teenage girl would roll by in her skimpy goth-inspired clothing, probably unaware of how that may trigger the sleazy men around her, like myself. I stood out, without a thunderbolt marking on my neck or any other Harry Potter paraphernalia.

Well it’s nice that these people are exciting about something, I thought. Something they can look forward to. I wish I could get excited over something here so I don’t have to escape from a soulless but nice paying job—a very nice paying job—for something that has no plan, no goal, and mostly involves spending lots of money. I’ve worked so hard and come so far to this moment that I could be wrapped up in self-delusion, but I think the far greater risk is not doing what I’m doing. I could be gambling with my career, my life, but the dealer is showing a low card, I got 10, and even if I don’t have the bankroll a gambling expert says is necessary to ride the ups and down of a typical swing, I’m doubling down. Regardless of whether I win or lose, or what that next card is, it’s the right move. There will be no regrets.

I’ve been studying Spanish on and off since December 2005 and often get asked what materials I use. While I’m far from being an expert in Spanish, I think I’m stumbled on a formula that makes studying easy and relatively inexpensive. This method is for individuals who want to study at their own leisurely pace without taking classes.

Pimsleur audio courses. Pimsleur is a language instruction brand that teaches you through 30-minute call and response audio lessons. For Spanish and other popular languages, there are three units, each with thirty 30-minute lessons. At thirty minutes of practice a day, it took me about nine months to knock out all three units (some lessons need to be repeated several times). If you finish one or two units and study a Spanish phrasebook that has the most common tourist sayings, you will be comfortable getting around in a Spanish-speaking country. The downside of Pimsleur is that your comprehension of native speakers is low—they often talk much faster than the speakers in the course.

You can download the torrent or buy the courses from about $152 a unit (Google around).

Reading materials. After you finish Unit 1 of the audio course, it would be a good idea to know how the language looks. The Spanish For Beginners textbook fills in gaps from the audio course, and if you study one chapter a week by three months you will be able to read and write in Spanish. Everyone, especially Spanish speakers, will make fun of you for having a book written in 1958, but it’s the best Spanish textbook I’ve found and you can find it used on Amazon for under a dollar. I think the author is dead.

Spanish For Beginners

The Bertlitz phrase book’s travel chapter is most helpful, with phrases like No me siento seguro aquí and ¡Eso es un escándalo!

Berlitz Spanish Phrase Book

Throw in an idiom phrase book and a common word book to expand your vocabulary.

1001 Most Useful Spanish Words

Guide To Spanish Idioms

Another helpful book is a reader.

Easy Spanish Reader

This reader defines new words in each new passage and builds off previous lessons until you are reading semi-difficult works in Spanish.

Finally, something handy to have around is a verb conjugation book. It’s optional because you can always look up conjugations online.

The Big Red Book Of Spanish Verbs

Make a notecard for every word you don’t know in the textbook or reading materials. It’s important to make a notecard of a word regardless if you think you’ll use it in conversation or not because you can’t predict when you’ll hear the word in speech. Maintain a “living” stack of notecards, where you regularly add new words and take away ones that you’ve memorized.

Words I know

It’s helpful to use a mnemonic to memorize words. For example, the word for crab is cangrejo. That’s hard to remember until you tell yourself that crabs come in cans that are grey. Eventually the word sticks in your brain and you no longer need to use the mnemonic. Once you know the words, the next challenge is to use them in a conversation with someone. Example: Creo que tengo cangrejos (I think I have crabs).

Spanish media. To get used to the tongue, rent movies in Spanish and listen to salsa or reggaeton. This helps your brain get used to hearing the language, and perhaps you’ll pick up on a few words through osmosis.

Recommended Movies

• Y Tu Mama Tambien
• The Sea Inside
• The Motorcycle Diaries
• El Bola
• Secuestro Express
• Amores Perros
• Volver
• All About My Mother
• Talk To Her

Music

• Anything by Juanes or Wisin y Yandel

There is no secret to studying a language other than spending time to memorize and practice the material. After a few months of a few hours a week of study, you can travel through a South American country and not feel lost and confused trying to get around. With one year of study, you’ll be able to read menus, understand directions, and have conversations with the locals. When I went to Venezuela I had completed Unit 1 of the Pimsleur course and studied the phrasebook and got around without too much difficulty. Between my bad Spanish, their bad English and hand signals, the gist of things were understood.

If you want to put in the least amount of work to learn the language, only get the Pimsleur audio course. You can convert the audio files into MP3′s and do them while you are stuck in traffic. Once you are ready to be tested, go to South America where there are much fewer English speakers than in Spain. You will feel insecure about speaking for the first couple days, but you get comfortable fast once you realize that other people understand what you are saying. Buena suerte! (Good luck!)

I’m never going back again. Ocean City, Maryland is superior is many ways:

-The Drunk Bus, for a last ditch attempt to get laid after the bars close
-More high school girls
-Crowded boardwalk for people watching
-Better bar venues without tattooed meathead military guys and fading cougars (though Ocean City has more white trash)
-No supersonic jets flying over you every five minutes

That jet noise, which is much louder than commercial aircraft, is due to the nearby naval base that operates 7 days a week. You had to pause your conversation every time a jet flew overhead. Now I understand how the Japanese feel.

The actual beach was alright, with ample opportunities for beach game, one of the hardest forms of game. Success at beach game, where you talk to girls on the actual beach, has eluded me even though it’s similar is concept to a form I am competent in, street game. Well this weekend I found out what beach game is:

The first thing you notice on the beach is other people’s bodies, so it would make sense that a slightly muscular body helps. If you go up to girls with a body like that, they will be very open to talking to you. A little too open. While girls were busy checking him out, I was wondering if my increasingly furry coat would make it harder for me to get a tan.

The highlight of the trip was the first night there when The Body introduced me to the drinking game Power Hour, where you drink a shot of beer every minute for an hour. It sounded easy but after 40 minutes the burping and bloating combined with some gagging made it a challenge to complete. We went to a bar afterwards where I found a chair in the corner and sat down. Three hours later, the bar closed and I got up. We didn’t play that game again.

My only regret from the trip is that we didn’t get an intimate scopes picture to cherish this beach memory forever.

Reader mail:

I need to know where you found that can of Stolichnaya vodka. I’ve been looking all over for it, but I can’t find it anywhere.

Ah yes, the can…

I bought it almost 18 months ago at a Venezuelan liquor store for about $4. The can is 12 ounces, meaning it will produce 8 standard shots.

I’m going to eat a gigantic meal, take the can to a party, and finish it without any chasers. I will be a superstar at the party. As long as I pace myself and munch on snacks, I see no problems with this plan.

Postscript: Well that was disappointing. I killed two-thirds of the can at a party on Saturday and barely got buzzed. The vodka had a semi-sweet taste so maybe the alcohol deactivated or something. Also, I was not the party’s superstar like I thought I would be.

Continued from The Encounter.

I rolled off her onto the other side of the bed. In Spanish I said, “No me dijiste eso. No pago para el sexo” which I was hoping translated to “You did not tell me that. I don’t pay for sex.” I got on my back and stared at the ceiling. She said everything is okay and snuggled up next to me. I got the impression that she would bang anyway, but I was no longer in the mood.

I laid there motionless and quiet, stunned, reliving the past five minutes of my life, still naked with a condom on my junk. There’s the prostitute, laying next to me. She’s probably thinking about how much money she lost on me. I felt dirty, stupid. She got up from the bed and put on her clothes. I put on my boxers and walked her out to make sure she didn’t decide to grab a snack from the refrigerator and discover my money stash in the butter compartment. No more words were exchanged between us. I went to the bathroom after she left and rinsed my mouth with Listerine and brushed my teeth, a mostly symbolic cleansing for I’m sure I already have everything that could be transmitted from mouth to mouth contact.

It’s tempting to say that I should have known, but I disagree. I’ve had some experiences with American girls which come close to the Brazilian, and when you have been bombarded with messages that Brazilians are hyper-sexual beings you figure it’s just their normal way of doing things. Plus I had too many Polar Ices.

I know what I will do next time: I will make a casual reference to being short of cash. Maybe I’ll ask her if the bar accepts credit cards or I’ll say that I’m only having one more beer because I spent all my money and can’t find an ATM. If she is a prostitute, she’ll probably ditch me immediately. Short of asking her if she is a prostitute, which may kill my chances if she isn’t one, any insinuation of being broke should do. Basically what I do now with American girls.

I had a grin on my face the next morning. What a fucked up but crazy experience to have. And all it cost me was a whole lot of sand she left behind on my bed. I’m smarter and have better prostitutite-dar than before, but I’ll be surprised if I don’t cross paths with another secret prostitute again. I’m just glad I didn’t touch her vagina with anything but my fingers.

Conclusion: Sleeping With Prostitutes