My newest exciting travel article is on the beach cities of Punta del Este and Punta del Diablo in Uruguay. I’ll guess you’ve never heard of Uruguay so this is your chance to get to know mini-Argentina.

The nightlife in Punta is extremely expensive and hard to deal with. Mobs of rich men and their model girlfriends (still with oversized glasses) swarm the entrances to famous clubs such as Crobar and Tequila in the “La Barra” club district a few miles away, accessible by taxi or all-night bus. You’re not getting in unless you show up way early, know someone, or are willing to pay a painful cover/bribe. So it’s not surprising that most people go to La Barra but not to club, and instead hang out next to their cars and drink on the streets. Either way this scene combines the worst of what you’d expect from a “hot” nightlife zone…

Punta del Diablo gets kinder words. You can read the whole thing here.

I’ve been to 33 cities in every South American country except Colombia, Guyana, French Guinea, and Suriname. Even though I’m confident three of those four countries would never make the list, I may have to make an edit to this post some time in the future.

1. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The secret has been out for over fifty years. Yes, Rio has a very serious crime problem and the police won’t go into many areas without armored vehicles and full SWAT protection, but if you’re a guy looking for a sex vacation and you don’t like Asian girls there is no other city in South America that touches your high odds of getting ass here. Pussy doesn’t fall from the sky, as you might be thinking, but the native girls actually like gringos. Even the native guys like gringos. Go out every night, don’t be a wallflower, and you will get to experience what I plan on experiencing again in the future.

If that hasn’t sold you, how about the a gorgeous backdrop and beach weather nearly year round? Sure the water isn’t sparkling blue, but you’ll be busy on the Ipanema sand angling to get in with the girls in ridiculous bikinis laying next to you.

Low-End Budget: $100-120/day

2. Cordoba, Argentina. The Cordoba tourism agency is going to contact me any day now to thank me for single-handedly increasing tourism to this city by 1000%. I will never get tired of saying that Cordoba has the most beautiful girls in the world. And it’s cheap. And the nightlife jumps. There are no fewer than 30 universities here so good luck meeting a girl over 22. The spinsters here don’t even go out at night because the competition is beyond intense.

A downside of this place is the girls are pretty damn difficult—especially if you don’t know Spanish—but I guarantee you will begging for them when you return home. Their beauty will spoil you until you die. I think I missed American girls for a quick minute until I snapped to my senses: I rather have difficult girls that are my type than easy girls I want to immediately dump after I have sex with them. This is the only place that I talked to 9’s every time I went out, uninterrupted. There is no cockblock brigade in Argentina (or anywhere else in South America). I’ve been back to the States for two months and talked to a 9 once, and I had to compete with only FIFTEEN other guys who felt it was their do-or-die moment.

Low-End Budget: $50/day

3. Merida, Venezuela. I traveled to Venezuela for a random 10 day vacation a couple years back, and Merida is still on my mind. This is like a Cordoba-lite with a large college population that loves to party. I still remember the bar El Hoya de Queque, perhaps the best bar in South America, where I got rejected by my first Venezuelan beauty (9+) who at the time was probably the most stunning girl I talked to. I remember how excited I was just because I had the chance to have a conversation with her.

The girls are not as hot as in Cordoba and there are less of them around (in Cordoba you walk outside and in two minutes you see more beautiful girls than a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday going out in Washington DC—no exaggeration), but Merida has a fantasy setting on the doorstep of the Andes mountains. There’s a lot to do here like horseback riding, canyoning, nature tours, and riding up the tallest cable car in the world. Too bad for Merida that it’s part of a country ruled by a dictator who is doing everything he can to kill the tourism industry. “Who needs gringos when we have this black stuff that is bound to run out some day!!”

Low-End Budget: $60/day

A few people have asked me about my future travel plans. Colombia is high on my list so I can claim to be a South America girl expert, but I’ve been eyeing Eastern Europe lately, and by eyeing I mean I’m asking guys how easy the girls are in Eastern Europe. Perhaps I’ll visit Cordoba and Merida for a nostalgic return, but Rio is going to have to wait a bit until I get my money right, which is not going to happen as long as I stay addicted to Guitar Hero 3.

For more travel goodness, visit the list of South American cities I visited.

The bars and clubs in Brazil have a weird system. In the U.S. you simply order a drink and then pay for it when it’s served to you, but in Brazil you have to give them your consumption card when you order. Here’s an example of a consumption card:

They put a hash mark in the box next to your drink and then they seve you. At the end of the night, you give your card to a cashier, pay the total, and get a stamp needed to exit. It sounds efficient but there are three problems:

1. You will lose your card. A lost card is an automatic 200 reals ($120—and increasing) charge. A lot of gringos waxed about drinking more than 200 reals worth of booze and losing their card on purpose to scam the system, but I did not meet anyone who attempted this. (I found it amusing that whenever a guy shared this idea he thought he was a genius for coming up with it.) A vodka drink is around 8 reals so you’d have to get consume 25 mixed drinks to get there. A beer is usually under 5 reals.

2. Long lines. When you want to leave after 2am or so, the line can be painfully long. It’s like you’re trapped. If you only ordered two drinks, you will usually wait much longer than the time it took to order and pay for two drinks.

3. Rip-off friendly. The amount I paid was almost always higher than what I added up. (One of the reasons the line moves so slow is because half the people are challenging the final amount.) Sometimes the cover charge goes towards your drinking but other times it doesn’t. Transparency is lacking.

This system reminded me of Salta, Argentina, where you had to carry the same glass with you all night long. When you leave they ask you for your glass and if you don’t have it you have to pay something like a 50 cent charge. It was common to see guys tearing it up on the dance floor with a cocktail glass in their back pocket.

One more thing. Remember when I wrote that Brazilians refer to spooning as “lying like oysters?” I was close—it’s actually to lie like seashells. With the Brazilian girls I met in Rio, I can confirm this as 100% fact.

I have finished my South America Travel Guide. I give overviews of each country and city along with a “Chance Of Hooking Up” rating. It’s geared for guys.

1 out of 5: You have an extremely low chance of hooking up. Don’t visit for the girls.
2 out of 5: You’ll need quite a bit of magical luck.
3 out of 5: There are girls around, but it’s not necessarily easy.
4 out of 5: You have a very good chance of hooking up if you put in an honest effort.
5 out of 5: Hooking up is guaran-fucking-teed as long as you aren’t disfigured.

I provide a handy list of all the cities I visited sorted according to their rating. Only one city gets a five (you’ll be surprised). I came up with the rating because almost all the guys I know are using women as considering for travel, but popular guides like Lonely Planet and Frommers don’t offer help in that department. In each country’s overview, I give a general description of the girls. Here’s what I say about Ecuadorian girls:

Ecuadorian girls look very indigenous with straight black hair, high cheekbones, thin eyebrows, and small eyes. …most of them look like pictures of Native Americans in your high school history textbook. In smaller cities, the white man is looked on with an extra dose of curiosity, and his gringo status will attract an occasional prostitute working pseudo-undercover.

My best guide is on Rio de Janeiro, most likely because I stayed there for a month. I think Argentina will also be popular.

This project gave me a glimpse into travel book writing. Turns out it’s a pretty boring and tedious gig. My guides are basic but they took a ridiculous amount of time to put together.

If you read only one of my Volette travel articles, it should be this one. I wrote about my Carnival experience, how it’s like, and some tips in case you plan on visiting.

There are two parts to Carnival in Rio de Janeiro: the street block parties called blocos and the elaborate samba parade at the Sambodromo stadium. Both are required for the full Carnival experience…

I’ll admit that the Carnival marketing got me. I saw the pictures of half-naked women on floats and thought Carnival had to be just about sex. It’s more about…

Read it here

I included a dozen photos in the article. Here’s a couple:

My previous Volette articles:

• Twenty Four Hours In Buenos Aires
• The Middle Of The World (Quito, Ecuador)
• The Incan Ruins of Cuzco Peru
• The Jewel Of The Pacific (Valparaiso, Chile)
• Patagonia (Argentina)

A different side of Brazil most gringos don’t see is the gym. I don’t consider myself a meathead but with the metaphorical anal pounding my body took I was turning a little soft and figured Rio would be a good place to work on my musculature.

First thing is the cost: gyms in Brazil are expensive. The first gym I looked at cost $150 US a month, and it was almost $200 if I wanted to use the pool. While it was the most beautiful gym I’ve seen in my life, with brand new equipment in spacious rooms and even computers with free internet, I opted for the budget $100/month gym. The only major difference it had from a regular gym like Golds or Sport & Health was the LCD screens with satellite television attached to every treadmill.

Just like in the States most gym-goers are guys, but in Brazil the guys are universally huge. 90% of them were gloriously large and ripped, even the one’s in their 40’s. So many carioca guys are in shape that showing off your muscular body on Ipanema beach for example will get you about as much attention as cruising South Beach with a BMW 3 series. I saw only one or two guys during my dozen or so gym visits that were smaller than me. My gut instinct is to think they are on steroids but then again Rio has hundreds of juice bars that have caloric shakes which can be supplemented with protein. It’s also common to see GNC-like shops throughout the city. Creatine for all!

Most importantly let’s talk about the girls. In the States you see a lot of young girls in the gym because of the popularity of female high school and college athletics, but in my Brazilian gym the average female was slightly over 30. But these were the hottest 30 and over women I’ve ever seen in my life, even if a fifth of them had fake breasts. Not only do they have the means and motivation to look good, but they are working off the foundation of Brazilian genes which gives them that legendary ass. If they had it, they definitely showed it.

The best part is that many women wore skin-tight lycra ensembles where you can make out the shape of their vaginas. Do you know the machine that works out the hamstrings, where you have to lay on your stomach and curl up your legs? Imagine the views that machine could offer a gringo pervert who looked at Brazilian women with epic asses wearing one-piece outfits that revealed everything. The calf machine offered very good views of those using the vagina machine. Right now my calves are the biggest they’ve ever been in my life.

There is more of a pick-up vibe in American gyms, where you see guys and girls chatting with each other for extended periods of time without working out. In my gym this was rare but I did try to feel out the vibe by fishing for looks and engaging in light bilingual conversation. It would happen where a girl asked me in Portuguese how many sets I have left or if she could work in (you could tell which by her body language). I would respond in English with something like, “You can work in with me,” but almost every time she’d scatter off after smiling. In other cases I would ask a girl in English how many sets she has left. Instead of offering to let me work in, she would usually say she’s almost done. Even though she’d maybe check me out later, I never got that invitation to conversate, and no girl took the easy bait of asking “Where you from?” that was super common in the clubs. It could be the language barrier but my guess is there is less picking up in Brazilian gyms than American ones.

In conclusion, American gyms are good for being social and listening to T-Pain on your iPod. Argentine gyms are good for spying on the aerobics room were 95% of girls are hot. Brazilian gyms are good for looking at vaginas attached to showroom asses. Brazil wins.

Most people guessed way too low. Six months in South American cost me $12,471.28.

Let’s take off the $3,000 I spent in Rio (one-sixth of that went to the worst hostel in South America for their six day Carnival package). That leaves $9500 for five months, or $63 a day. Out of that I’d estimate $30-40 was spent on lodging, food, local taxis, and going out. But it was the miscellaneous costs that rammed me: new camera ($300), hospitalization ($550), visas ($200), bus transportation, doctor visit ($150 for a dermatologist in Rio), clothing replacement ($100), new 220-volt shaver ($50), Machu Picchu ($120), etc. Plus I took Spanish and Portuguese lessons ($200). It was very hard to keep costs down.

If you want to take a long trip but don’t want to spend this amount of money, here’s my advice:

1. Don’t get sick, or take out a travel health insurance policy with the lowest possible deductible. Taking out a high $500 deductible like I did is retarded unless you plan on your appendix rupturing.

2. Stay longer in less cities. Not only do you minimize transportation costs but by knowing the city you can eat and get around more cheaply. I can live a comfortable middle-class lifestyle in a nice city like Cordoba, Argentina for around $1000 a month.

3. Don’t eat out more than twice a week. It saves you money and minimizes your chances of getting sick. Make big meals and save leftovers for the next day’s lunch and dinner.

4. Try to make friends on sites like Couch Surfing to lodge for free. I never did this but if I’m in a money crunch it’d make sense. Plus you’ll have a more locals experience. Or you can get an older girlfriend who has her own place. I can tell you right now that you will get tired of both hostels and gringos after a month.

5. If you really want to save money and get your costs down to $10 a day, bring your tent, wash your clothes, and never use internet cafes. Or sleep in hammocks.

On to the contest winner. First here is my favorite guess:

$0. I think you spent the whole time in your dad’s basement avoiding homosexual thoughts.

Wrong! In close second place with a guess of $12,000 was Rajia. She gets no prize. The first place winner, and champion of this contest, is Brian with a guess of $12,885. Here’s what he had to say about winning the book.

Man I really don’t believe it! I mean I’ve always wanted the book but I just don’t want to pay actual money for it. I’ve been hoping for some type of sweet contest so when you announced this one on Monday I almost shit my pants at the opportunity.

Just kidding I made that up, but I imagine that’s what he would say. Thanks for playing!

Postscript: What he really had to say…

Some of those guesses were downright retarded. How anyone could guess like $3000 or $4000 is beyond me.

…days there: 188

…countries I visited: 9

…cities I spent at least one night in: 30

…days my stomach has not been right: 130+ and counting

…times I washed my only pair of pants (jeans): 4

…items the laundry places lost: 2

…times I used a laundry place: around 20

…bridges I jumped off: 1

…times I hand-washed clothing: 0

…months until I had to take a shit in a bus station restroom: 5

…months until turned into a “beer guy”: 3

…posts I wrote for this blog: 89

…words I wrote in my travel journal: 76,000

…nights spent camping: 0

…haircuts: 0

…times I got robbed: 1

…total number of hours on the bus: 253 (10.5 days)

…average length of a bus ride: 8 hours

…percent of my time in South America spent on the bus: 5.6%

…longest continuous bus ride: 24 hours

…longest continuous journey without a bed: 45 hours (4 buses)

…pairs of ear plugs I went through: 8

…different gyms I used: 5

…fights I’ve seen between two South American men: 0

…percentage of hostels that I’m sure had bed bugs: 15%

…beaches I swam in: 3

…hospitals I’ve stepped foot in: 4

…drug or vaccine injections: 8

…times I was awaken by dorm-mates having sex: 2

…girls I met that I’d consider dating long term: 1

…Irish people who broke the “Irish people drink a lot” stereotype: 0

…pairs of contact lenses I went through: 5

…times I took language instruction: 3

…new porn video clips I downloaded: 0

…books I read: 0

…times I was bodily searched outside an airport: 1

…glaciers I saw: 5

…postcards I sent: 67

…times I thought I may not make it out of South America alive: 2

…South American countries I have not stepped foot in: 4

…hotel room in a small Bolivian city: $3

…large smoothie with protein in Rio de Janeiro: $3

…Red Bull in a Rio de Janeiro gas station: $4

…night at the Copacabana Palace hotel: $520

…money I spent not including airfare: ???

…cost to Quito, Ecuador by air: $475

…one-way ticket home from Rio: $1025

…price of round-trip ticket from Rio: $1025

…regrets: 0

A question I’m being asked is how much the trip ended up costing me. I’ll let you guess first. Person closest to the actual amount wins a autographed copy of Bang.

Hints

1. The total amount does not include airfare to and from South America (~$1500).

2. It includes purchases I made that will be used back at home, like a replacement camera, flash cards, and t-shirts.

3. It includes small gifts I bought for about a dozen or so people.

4. Even though I did stay in hostels, I don’t think I roughed it compared to others. I ate out 90% of the time and never camped.

5. I had only one flight within South America.

Contest ends Thursday at noon. Winner and the answer will be revealed on Friday. You can comment with an anonymous name but leave an email address in case you win.

Good luck!

Previously: Introduction To Brazilian Girls and Brazilian, Argentine, and American Girls

Most Brazilian girls look like half-Middle Eastern and half-Western European, darker than Argentine girls but lighter than girls from other South American countries. Since Brazil is similar to the United States with its large immigrant influence, it’s harder to pin down their physical features as easily as the Argentine girl.

If the average girl in a US club ranks a 5, and in an Argentina club she ranks a 7, in Brazil she’d be somewhere between a 6 and 7. This means the average Brazilian girl is bangable, but what separates Brazilian girls from the others is their vibe. If you are a guy and you look at a Brazilian girl, your mind jumps to sexual thoughts much faster than usual. Since it is not because she is more attractive, I think it’s a combination of body and body language. Having a larger than average ass helps. Argentine girls are beautiful dolls you want to show off on your arm, but Brazilian girls you want to get to the bedroom. American girls are a mixture, excelling at neither.

Most Brazilian girls in Rio speak English, and it’s not hard to see why with an English school on every other block. Your approach will be the same as on American girls, and their initial response will be the same as well (sometimes a little aloof), but what’s different in that if the Brazilian girl is feeling your game, things ramp up quickly and within two minutes it will be obvious if things will progress. She will ask you a bunch of questions, ask you to dance, or ask you to come hang out with her friends. You will get the “kiss me” vibe much faster than other girls as well, and the head turn you see in Argentine girls simply doesn’t exist here. Brazilian girls can be extremely aggressive if they like you, which means grabbing you or kissing you outright. To me that is novel and fun, but to some Brazilian guys it is annoying.

Argentina is the biggest conformist culture I’ve seen, more so than the United States. Argentine girls have the exact same hair, shoes, jeans, and even cut-off shirts. And they all smoke. One reason it’s so hard to select an Argentine girl out of a group you approached is being they are carbon copies of each other, but Brazil’s culture is more individualistic where creativity is rewarded (wait until you see pictures from the Carnival parade). Girls in the same group are very different so it will be rare you are debating between two of them.

Some problems that exist in the United States exist in Brazil as well. If you move up the socioeconomic ladder to the Brazilians who are wealthy and hold Western culture as their idol, their attitude will be just as bad or as worse than the yuppie lawyers you may hit on in DC. But there is less of a problem that a girl who ranks a 7 in Brazil will pretend she is an 8 or higher, as is common in some U.S. cities.

The best thing about Brazilian girls is they play far fewer games. I think it’s because they simply don’t know how. Many times I’m dealing with a Brazilian girl and think, “Doesn’t she know she is making it so obvious she likes me?” They show affection fast and often. On the other hand, American girls are professionals at playing games that slow down the interaction. If you show genuine affection to an American girl you are casually dating, you will be punished in some way. The interaction always has to be breezy so no one is showing “too much” interest, whatever too much is. (A person cannot handle affection if they don’t know how to give it.) The Brazilian girl is so unbreezy that you don’t have to think about regulating or keeping track of the affecting you give—in fact you won’t even be able to keep up with her. The way I view and interact with women would be completely different if I was raised dating Brazilian girls; I would put so much less mental energy into girls this blog probably wouldn’t exist.