I’ve been to 33 cities in every South American country except Colombia, Guyana, French Guinea, and Suriname. Even though I’m confident three of those four countries would never make the list, I may have to make an edit to this post some time in the future.

1. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The secret has been out for over fifty years. Yes, Rio has a very serious crime problem and the police won’t go into many areas without armored vehicles and full SWAT protection, but if you’re a guy looking for a sex vacation and you don’t like Asian girls there is no other city in South America that touches your high odds of getting ass here. Pussy doesn’t fall from the sky, as you might be thinking, but the native girls actually like gringos. Even the native guys like gringos. Go out every night, don’t be a wallflower, and you will get to experience what I plan on experiencing again in the future.

If that hasn’t sold you, how about the a gorgeous backdrop and beach weather nearly year round? Sure the water isn’t sparkling blue, but you’ll be busy on the Ipanema sand angling to get in with the girls in ridiculous bikinis laying next to you.

Low-End Budget: $100-120/day

2. Cordoba, Argentina. The Cordoba tourism agency is going to contact me any day now to thank me for single-handedly increasing tourism to this city by 1000%. I will never get tired of saying that Cordoba has the most beautiful girls in the world. And it’s cheap. And the nightlife jumps. There are no fewer than 30 universities here so good luck meeting a girl over 22. The spinsters here don’t even go out at night because the competition is beyond intense.

A downside of this place is the girls are pretty damn difficult—especially if you don’t know Spanish—but I guarantee you will begging for them when you return home. Their beauty will spoil you until you die. I think I missed American girls for a quick minute until I snapped to my senses: I rather have difficult girls that are my type than easy girls I want to immediately dump after I have sex with them. This is the only place that I talked to 9’s every time I went out, uninterrupted. There is no cockblock brigade in Argentina (or anywhere else in South America). I’ve been back to the States for two months and talked to a 9 once, and I had to compete with only FIFTEEN other guys who felt it was their do-or-die moment.

Low-End Budget: $50/day

3. Merida, Venezuela. I traveled to Venezuela for a random 10 day vacation a couple years back, and Merida is still on my mind. This is like a Cordoba-lite with a large college population that loves to party. I still remember the bar El Hoya de Queque, perhaps the best bar in South America, where I got rejected by my first Venezuelan beauty (9+) who at the time was probably the most stunning girl I talked to. I remember how excited I was just because I had the chance to have a conversation with her.

The girls are not as hot as in Cordoba and there are less of them around (in Cordoba you walk outside and in two minutes you see more beautiful girls than a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday going out in Washington DC—no exaggeration), but Merida has a fantasy setting on the doorstep of the Andes mountains. There’s a lot to do here like horseback riding, canyoning, nature tours, and riding up the tallest cable car in the world. Too bad for Merida that it’s part of a country ruled by a dictator who is doing everything he can to kill the tourism industry. “Who needs gringos when we have this black stuff that is bound to run out some day!!”

Low-End Budget: $60/day

A few people have asked me about my future travel plans. Colombia is high on my list so I can claim to be a South America girl expert, but I’ve been eyeing Eastern Europe lately, and by eyeing I mean I’m asking guys how easy the girls are in Eastern Europe. Perhaps I’ll visit Cordoba and Merida for a nostalgic return, but Rio is going to have to wait a bit until I get my money right, which is not going to happen as long as I stay addicted to Guitar Hero 3.

For more travel goodness, visit the list of South American cities I visited.

Brazilian: “Where are you from?”
Argentine: *Crickets*
American: “What do you do?”

Brazilian: Open toe slippers with some design
Argentine: Closed toe
American: Target brand flip flops

Brazilian: Hair length depends on current life stage
Argentine: Has either Argentine Girl Haircut #1 (long, with bangs) or Argentine Girl Haircut #2 (long, without bangs)
American: Short because long hair was “boring” or “too much work”

Brazilian: Makeout within 30 minutes
Argentine: Makeout if you played the game right, if the moon is aligned with Jupiter, and if her friends and little cousins like you
American: Makeout within 90 minutes

Brazilian: Takes off your jeans and boxers
Argentine: Takes off her big earrings
American: Takes off her shoes

Brazilian: She feels comfortable after sex
Argentine: She feels like she just carried out an important life decision after sex
American: She feels like a slut after sex

Brazilian: Clingy
Argentine: Distant
American: Low self-esteem

Brazilian: Gives you head
Argentine: Does not give you head
American: Gives you head if you imply / ask, but secretly hates it

Brazilian: Anal region exploration strongly encouraged
Argentine: Anal regions forbidden
American: Depends on level of intoxication

Brazilian: Has two or three caiprinha’s
Argentine: Has only one drink, the free one that came with her cover charge
American: Stops drinking when she can no longer feel her friends judging her

Brazilian: Knows how to shake and jiggle her entire body
Argentine: Knows how to dance to house music without showing any sexuality
American: Knows how to rub her ass on a man’s erection

Brazilian: Five second marathon eye contact
Argentine: No eye contact
American: Multiple one second eye contacts

Brazilian: Treats you so well you wonder why she likes you that much
Argentine: Treats you like you are that guy on the corner selling hot dogs
American: Treats you like her favorite coworker

Brazilian: Asks you if you are on Orkut
Argentine: Asks you if you are on MSN chat
American: Google’s you the second she finds out your last name. Uses results to judge your long-term relationship potential.

Brazilian: Licks your face
Argentine: Kisses like her parents are watching
American: Sucks your neck

Brazilian: “Dance With Me” by 112
Argentine: “Enjoy The Silence” by Depeche Mode
American: “Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile

Brazilian: Most extra fat winds up in ass
Argentine: Borderline anorexic
American: Rolls of meat around waist

Brazilian: “I like you”
Argentine: Pretends she doesn’t like you when she really does
American: “You’re nice”

Brazilian: Likes social drinking with friends
Argentine: Likes people watching with friends
American: Likes watching TV alone at home with tub of ice cream

Brazilian: Ugly tattoos
Argentine: Ugly piercings and ugly sunglasses
American: Ugly sunglasses

Brazilian: “I need to bang that.”
Argentine: “Wow she is really pretty.”
American: “She looks easy.”

Brazilian: Always answers the phone
Argentine: Always responds to text messages
American: Would miss the call from the President of France if he happened to call

Brazilian: If you like emotional girls who want to please you
Argentine: If you like frigid girls who chain smoke and act stupid
American: If you like frigid girls who act stupid

It is possible that my experience with Brazilian girls have been extraordinary, but then I wouldn’t be the only one. Second place is hard to place; if the Argentine girl and American girl are equally attractive, I don’t think it makes a large enough difference, but since Argentines are much cuter, it will depend on how much you value a pretty face.

I think it’s a safe bet that most of you will visit Buenos Aires at some point, though maybe a few people less after my killjoy discussions on Argentine women.

During severe rainstorms the sewage system overflows and floods the poorly constructed shacks, giving the air a permanent, foul smell. Every home protects their lone television set with a metal gate, and narrow passages between streets turn into forbidden zones at night. If I came here after the sun set, I was warned, I would walk out naked as the day I was born.

Read the whole thing here. Of course it includes nightlife discussion.

Washington Monument?

Previous articles:

The Middle Of The World (Quito, Ecuador)
The Incan Ruins of Cuzco Peru
The Jewel Of The Pacific (Valparaiso, Chile)
Patagonia (Argentina)

When you think of South America, the first thing that comes to you is Machu Picchu (or favelas), but as I get deeper into my trip I’m convinced that Machu Picchu is popular for only one reason: it’s entire essence can be captured in one easily digestible photograph. It’s popular because of marketing. Pompeii is a far more interesting ruin but it’s a complex site that doesn’t have that money photograph.

You’ve probably never heard of Iguazu Falls, but it’s the Niagra Falls of South America. Waterfalls are waterfalls, but this beats stone ruins any day.

I uploaded a bunch of other photos this month.

I just got this message:

A French canadian guy came across a guestbook entry at a certain hostel in valpo. He was astounded that the entry happened to be yours, as he had bumped into you in cusco and el chantel.

He then proceeded to tell us about your numerous bodily complications.. followed by the statement.. yeah Roosh is a funny guy.

We werent really listening to him up until the word Roosh was shouted across the hostel breakfast table. Turns out youre quite the backpacker celebrity! Luckily we were able to experience cosmonova without actually going there through your detailed recount.

Backstory:

I met a few Australian girls in Buenos Aires.

I met a guy in Cusco, Peru who is French Canadian. Two months later, I randomly bump into him again in Patagonia, about a thousand miles away.

In Valparaiso, after Peru but before Argentina, I stayed at a hostel that had a guestbook. After a horrible night out I put in a lot of care writing a warning to fellow travellers about a certain club. I signed it with just “Roosh.”

Both the girls and the guy went to Valparaiso at the same hostel at the same time and discovered that they both knew me through this guestbook entry, which I paste for you here (I drafted it on my laptop):

My opinion of Valparaiso will be shaped by what happened to me on Wednesday, October 24, 2007. I went to the club strip off the water and landed in a club called Cosmonova. The main bar only had a dozen people, so I explored and found a room guarded by a stocky bouncer. Inside was a semi-circle of guys sitting quietly in chairs, waiting for something. I thought this was the gay part of the club but there was another room nearby that only had girls. I asked the bartender what was going on but with her Chilean spanish she might as well have been talking in Portuguese.

A local overheard my confusion and escorted me back into the room of men. In the middle of the semi-circle was an overweight chilean woman, wearing only sunglasses. And I mean only sunglasses. Men hooted and hollered as they filmed her with their cell phone cameras. “Very sexy?” the local asked me, in a tone like he was trying to convince me how great his country is for having this spectacle. I nodded yes but it was as sexy as watching a hot dog eating competition. I went back to the bar.

The show ended 15 minutes later. I know this because an avalanche of men frantically searching for a meal poured into the bar. Many went hungry as there was only one girl for every three of them. I use the word “girl” loosely: many were over 30, the type who gets a kick out of watching a shaved, eyebrow plucked man wave his manhood while wearing nothing but a pair of sneakers.

I think it’s time to go back to Argentina.

South America is a big continent. Even with Lonely Planet, the odds of this happening is incredibly small. It made my day.

1. Argentine girls love disappearing. You think they are loving you hours after you first approached, and then they just ditch you. This may be a reason why Argentine guys are dicks: Why put in the work and be nice and spend all that time if she’s going to ditch?

2. Escalation is different. When an American girl starts touching you a lot and holding your arm, you’re money and can ramp up. When an Argentine girl does it, it’s bait and you should not escalate quite yet. If you bite too early, you “lose” and that’s that. You need to wait longer than normal for when the vibe of the interaction changes; she’ll start staring at you differently and smiling when there is nothing to smile about. Only then do you escalate. I’m still not too clear about this.

3. Dancing is crucial in almost all pick-ups. Since there is no such thing as grinding here, that means you dance for hours a foot away from her touching now and then, waiting and waiting like a puppy dog until you get the green light explained above. If you are the kind of guy like me who prefers leaning against the bar all night with a drink in your hand, you will get significantly less than your twin who hits the dance floor. While dancing offers no certainty you’ll get anything, it’s the only way to have her attention for long periods of time.

4. There is no cockblocking here from the girlfriends. I’m convinced cockblocking is a cultural phenomenon.

5. If I could try one thing differently, I would go serious push game. Constant challenging. Make it seem like every answer they give is wrong and she has absolutely zero chance with you. Saying things like “I wish you were…” While smiling of course. The only way to find out how far you can go is to make a few girls genuinely mad at you.

6. There is a “you’re not worth anything if you’re easy” meme floating in Argentina, which means an Argentine girl will never make it easy for you. It’s always a headache.

7. Argentine girls like sex, but on the surface the culture is not very sexually liberalized. For example I’ve never seen such conservative dress before; the girls never show cleavage and they think sexy is showing off their skinny arms. At the end of the night in a U.S. club, a significant number of people are making out. In Argentina it’s very few couples. You’ll find fast girls but on average they are slower than Americans.

8. In two months I’ve never seen an Argentine girl buzzed, tipsy, alegre, whatever. They just dance or talk all night. Plus there is no shooter culture like in the U.S. The nightspots don’t even have shot glasses.

9. Because Argentina does not have an easy pick-up environment, social circle is very important. Gringos who have done well with Argentine girls are ones that have enrolled in school for an extended period of time and built up a social circle. The advice that an American would give a friend to find a wife is the same an Argentine gives to get laid. The average notch count here has to be lower for both sexes.

10. In most cultures, when someone is staring at you, you look to see who it is. But the girls here will definitely not look at you if they know you are staring. If I’m walking on the sidewalk and notice a cute girl walking towards me, I avert eye contact and pretend I’m not paying attention until I feel her looking at me. Then I look at her eyes. She’ll panic and look away immediately. You are not supposed to know she is looking at you because that may mean she is interested. That’s how Argentine girls are.

In conclusion, the girls are a pain in the ass, but every system can be cracked—it’s just a matter of how long it takes. But why bother when Brazil is right next door?

If you liked this post then check out School Of Argentine Girls.

I was getting used to the travel writing thing until I sat down to write the article on Patagonia. I realized that it’s so much easier writing about people and events than frozen water, so I had to do massive growth as a writer. Read it here. It has the best pictures I’ve taken in South America.

I set out on the clearest of days towards Lake Capri to get views of the main attraction, Fitz Roy, a sharp mountain named by our man Francisco Moreno. I found out why so many hikers I passed on the trail were decked out in serious hiking gear when the wind picked up, the clouds covered the sky, and snow flurries starting blowing in my face. I was in jeans, running shoes, and a sweater, and this is where the regret I was talking about kicked in.

In case you missed the previous articles:

The Middle Of The World (Quito, Ecuador)
The Incan Ruins of Cuzco Peru
The Jewel Of The Pacific (Valparaiso, Chile)

My first night in Buenos Aires I went to a restaurant with two Australians I knew from Cordoba. After our meal a 40’s-something woman with a stack of newspapers came inside the restaurant and walked to our table. Before she had a chance to open her mouth I told her we don’t speak Spanish. She said that’s fine because she speaks English, that she is homeless and selling newspapers for about 75 cents US. I ignored her, brushed her aside like she was nobody. You have people coming at you with some pitch so many times a day that it’s hard not to develop a shield to it.

Twelve days later I got a large cheese pizza for takeout and ate it at the hostel. The pizza was so good that the only thing to do the cheese grease justice was to wash it down with a coke. I went to the kiosco across the street and was second in line behind a woman. She paid and through the cage I asked for my coke. Trying to explain I wanted the mas pequeña size, my horrible Spanish accent got her attention and she looked at me. I recognized her as the woman trying to sell the newspapers.

I don’t remember who spoke first, but she asked me where I was from and said I looked Argentine. I joked how no Argentine guy has as much hair as me. We talked for about five minutes, about left and right brain differences and how she likes art and how my scientist gig didn’t do it for me and how her engineer friend has social issues. We were two strangers having an interesting conversation.

She had a large bag on her shoulder which had the newspapers. I was waiting for her to ask me to buy me one, which I was happily going to do. But she never asked.

There is an Argentine man that I cannot forget about. I never got his name but he pops in my head whenever I eat in a restaurant. I remember his smile more than anything.

I was in a nice restaurant in Salta, getting ready to order after reviewing the menu. The waiter came to me. He looked like Erik Estrada but with thicker hair. I told him I wanted a particular chicken dish and he looked at me, smiled, and with great energy said, “Perfecto señor.” Holy shit I ordered the best thing on the menu! I don’t remember the last time I dined at a restaurant like Panera and the pimply faced teenager said my sandwich choice was perfect. Erik Estrada approved of my selection, and because of that approval we had a bond that transcended between two very different cultures. The way he held the smile as he spoke and said “Perfecto señor” will forever burn his face into my brain, more so than the actual dish. This is starting to sound gay so I’ll stop but good luck getting that kind of treatment at Applebees.

Postscript: It seems like saying “perfect” is a common thing waiters do in Argentina, but Erik’s perfect was real. He knew me from my vibe.

I was sitting in a cafe when I locked eye contact with a girl for two seconds. The first thought to my head was, “Not from Argentina.” I walked by her table of friends and they were speaking Hebrew.

Seven girls check into the hostel. Three of them lock eye contact with me. Definitely not from Argentina. I see a Brazilian flag on one of their bags.

Even though I have accepted it, I’m in disbelief that an entire country of girls can not perform such a minor, innocent move. Imagine when you want more than just eye contact. Imagine when you want an Argentine girl to put some real investment into you. I figured out a few things that make it easier, but damn I still can’t figure out the game that is consistent on Argentine girls. I think what I’ve gotten has been right time / right place, and I’ve tried about everything. I won’t figure it out on this trip.

Anyway I gotta go—those Brazilian girls just sat next to me.

Continued… Seven Brazilian Girls Walk Into A Hostel