My master plan was to live in Colombia, Brazil, and Argentina for six months each, and then evaluate which was best to live in for extended periods of time. Here are the total lengths of time I stayed in each country during my last trip:

Colombia: Six months
Brazil: Five and a half months
Argentina: One and a half months

I left Brazil a little early because of when my monthly lease in Rio ended (I didn’t have the will to mill around in hostels for two weeks).

Argentina was a different story. You know those medical experiments that end early because one condition far outperformed another? If I remember correctly they did this with an HIV study in Africa where they tested if circumcision led to lower infection rates. It proved to be such a strong benefit that they ended the experiment early to tell the uncut guys to immediately get cut. Well that’s why I left Argentina so soon—the little data I had in my hands told me that it wasn’t a place that would have brought me more happiness than Colombia or Brazil.

That said, here is my evaluation of what it’s like to live in all three countries, along with my declaration of the best.

LAW ENFORCEMENT

Colombia: While there is a police presence, you can go all day without seeing a single squad car. Sometimes you only see cops on dinky motorcycles that look like dirt bikes. There is no heavy hand of the law here.

Brazil: Maybe only a decade behind the U.S. in terms of the Big Brother factor. The police are heavily armed, well financed (from an equipment standpoint), and make frequent stops. There are speed cameras and sobriety checkpoints. You don’t go long without seeing a cop car on the street. While the laws are more lax than in the U.S., Brazil is not a good place to openly fuck around. Even though Western media loves to portray favelas as lawless, police are generally on top of their shit outside of them.

Argentina: Police are positioned in street corners within rich areas of big cities. They don’t seem particularly well-trained or competent, probably because the country has been spared from narco-wars. It’s unlikely you’ll be bothered here.

Advantage: Argentina

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

Colombia: Local buses are run by private companies. While cheap, the lines are confusing and the buses old and very uncomfortable. The routes are not always logical and transfers are commonly needed. Medellin’s metro line though is clean, safe, and very reliable, but often crowded. The one good thing about the buses is that they come very frequently and you can flag them down anywhere along the route.

Brazil: Buses here are slow, lumbering beasts, the big versions you see in American cities. They come often and are reliable but you generally have to walk to a designated stop instead of being able to stick your hand out wherever you please. They aren’t that cheap, starting at about 2.20 R$ for a single trip.

Argentina: They have big buses like in Brazil but are almost impossible to use without insider knowledge because of nondescript signage. In Argentina you’ll only see something like “H7,” while in the other countries they’ll be a placard detailing a dozen or so stops.

Advantage: Colombia

SUPERMARKET FOOD

Colombia: It’s hard to find lemons or lunch meats in the bird family. Most sell peanut butter at inflated rates. Boneless chicken breast is usually frozen.

Brazil: Doubly hard to find lemons, and even common vegetables like broccoli and zucchini can be MIA. Peanut butter is astronomically priced. Great selection of fruits, cheeses, and lunch meats. Boneless chicken breast is usually frozen.

Argentina: Lemons are everywhere! But limes are incredibly hard to find, as is peanut butter. Poor selection of cheese, lunch meat, and fruits, but excellent choice of wines. Boneless chicken breast is refrigerated and of good quality, though much more expensive than their famed red meat.

Advantage: Brazil

RESTAURANT FOOD

Colombia: Not much selection in local fare except for dirty diners, but you’ll find many decent fusion restaurants in tourist centers, usually run by expats. I still don’t know what typifies Colombian cuisine besides stews, arepas, and fried snacks.

Brazil: Beans, rice, and meat seem to be the Brazilian staple. Local restaurants have fixed plates that will serve bland but filling meals of rice, beans, potatoes, and meat. There is more of a food tradition with dishes like feijoada and moqueca, but convenience foods like pizza and fried bread snacks are beginning to fatten the population. Upmarket restaurants put interesting spins on typical foods.

Argentina: Great value for breakfast and lunch, especially the latter where for $5 or $6 you get a tasty three-course meal with beverage. While restaurant service here is the worst, you’ll find far more creative fare with more European influence than in Brazil and Colombia. Argentina is also a better pick for the foodie who is impressed by plate presentation.

Advantage: Argentina

WOMEN

Colombia: The hardest part of getting laid in Colombia is dealing with the language barrier (you won’t meet too many girls who speak English), but if you’re conversational in Spanish and approach during the day you shouldn’t have too many issues banging cute girls. Flakiness will be your main problem.

Brazil: Brazil has proven to be a country of streaks for me and my gringo friends. You’ll bang three girls in a couple weeks then get nothing for a while. Otherwise the country is very gringo friendly and you’ll find tons of girls who speak English. The okay girls are quite easy to get in bed, but the cuter ones take more work. Towards the end of my time in Brazil I was getting sick of all the mediocre girls throwing themselves on me and having to seemingly rely on luck and the numbers game to get anywhere with the quality ones.

Argentina: These girls have a reputation for being difficult and I find that to be the case. Not only will you work your ass off to get laid, it won’t be with one of the hotties that you went there for in the first place. My second trip to Argentina I gave up on the women and found myself a Brazilian girl.

Advantage: Brazil

NIGHTLIFE

Colombia: Tables and chairs. People prefer to sit down everywhere, even in clubs, but on the plus side nightlife is concentrated in the cities so it’s easy to stumble on a variety of places that have electronic, rock, pop, or local music. Bars are a total bust in meeting people. Clubs have decent value in terms of cover charges and drinks.

Brazil: Much more Western in that people mingle. While typical bars offer tables for socializing among friends, you can find bars where there is standing and movement. Some cities have nightlife centered in specific areas, but others like Rio can be quite spread out and hard to get around. Cover charges for the high-end clubs can be astronomical.

Argentina: It has the typical bars with tables, which people start going to around midnight, and then a progressive club scene with rotating DJs develops after 2am. The nightlife is agreeable for younger kids with energy to stay up all night and dance, but for older guys over 30 it can be quite annoying to go out so late to deal with girls who aren’t even drinking anyway. A positive is that the value is very good, and you won’t pay much for cover charges and drinks.

Advantage: Brazil

COFFEE SHOPS

Colombia: There is a cafe culture with the Juan Valdez shops where you can sit with your latte and laptop for an hour or two. Ironically one of the best cafes I’ve been to in Medellin was the McCafe.

Brazil: Brazilians love their cafezinho (espresso shot), but they don’t linger. Since all coffee shops have waiters, they don’t expect you to sit down and write the next greatest American novel. For that you need to go to the mall and find a Starbucks, which is prohibitively expensive (10 R$ for a caramel frapp).

Argentina: Hands down the best coffee shop scene. Big cities have tons of pleasant cafes with wireless internet and delicious sweets. There is a lingering culture here so feel free to camp out for a couple hours.

Advantage: Argentina

SAFETY

Colombia: Safer than I was led to believe. I never had issues walking around at night even in shady areas. It’s a shame that the stereotype of the country being a warzone persists, but in a way this is good because it keeps out a lot of gringos who visit Costa Rica or Panama instead.

Brazil: Most dangerous of the three. While I’ve never been robbed in Brazil, I keep hearing stories that tell me my Brazilian-like appearance probably helped keep me safe (though don’t think Brazilians don’t get robbed). Brazil is very unforgiving for gringos who don’t have a lot of travel experience, though the most common “robbery” is getting severely overcharged by a taxi driver. I have to dedicate more energy here to staying safe than I would like.

Argentina: I’ve never heard a gringo getting mugged here—only petty theft in bus stations. Many times in Cordoba it didn’t feel like I was in South America at all.

Advantage: Argentina

FRIENDLINESS OF THE LOCALS

Colombia: Very friendly. They are much more intrigued that you’re a gringo and will always ask about where you’re from and why you’re in their country. They’re almost thankful that you’re visiting Colombia.

Brazil: It depends. I’ve met some incredibly rude and cold Brazilians, and I’ve met some who welcomed me into their home without even wondering if I could be a ax murderer or not. I would say Brazilian people are friendlier than Americans, but their friendliness is overhyped by quite a bit. A better term to describe them is warm—within a short time you’ll feel quite at ease, like you’ve known them forever.

Argentina: Outside of clubs Argentines are friendlier than Brazil, believe it or not. Even though Brazil has a more open culture to gringos, it seemed easier to make superficial friendships in Argentina with random people. I accumulated more phone numbers of both guys and girls one month in Argentina than six months in Brazil. A lot of guys though initially mistake the friendliness of Argentine women to be that they’re easy. They learn eventually.

Advantage: Undecided

TAXIS

Colombia: Taxi drivers are usually honest, and are great to practice Spanish with. All I had to do is ask “How are you today/tonight?” and we’d get into a long conversation. Towards the end of my time here I had pretty tight taxicab game, rarely getting ripped off.

Brazil: Taxis here are the worst. It’s very rare that a taxi driver, no matter how nice to me on the surface, will not try to scam me. I’ve had to argue with so many that I dreaded taking a Brazilian cab—I began taking buses everywhere instead, even late at night. While getting ripped off rarely means more than a $5 difference, it was the principality of it.

Argentina: Mostly honest, though less friendly than the Colombians.

Advantage: Colombia

MUSIC

Colombia: You got three main choices here: salsa, reggaeton, and vallenato, all of which are danceable, in addition to your normal house clubs. Plus you got Juanes, Colombia’s Michael Jackson, and Shakira, Colombia’s Shania Twain. Rock is also popular.

Brazil: Brazil has a very rich musical culture. Each state has their own flavor of music and you can live here for years until you know them all. From traditional samba to pagode and forro (I need more triangle!) to the newfangled tecno brega, music is an important part of how Brazilians connect with each other and pass the time, but most of the music is hard to dance to for the average gringo. Expensive clubs usually have Western music (fun fact: the song “Forever Young” is huge in Brazil).

Argentina: Reggaeton is slowly making its way here in addition to mainstays like cuarteto, cumbia, rock, and house. Argentines are pretty crazy about house music, but unfortunately they have very little idea how to dance to it.

Advantage: Colombia

CELL PHONE SERVICE

Colombia: Expensive and mostly reliable, though some text messages remain in the ether for hours until delivered. You have a lot of options on the street to make cheap calls from minuto celular vendors.

Brazil: Crazy expensive at more than 50 cents a minute if calling another cell phone from your own. Your only other option is Skype as they don’t have phone vendors on the street like in Colombia. Text messages sometimes get temporarily lost here too.

Argentina: About the same as Colombia, but no minuto celular vendors.

Advantage: Colombia

LANGUAGE CLASSES

Colombia: Group classes can be found at reasonable prices, from $5-10 an hour.

Brazil: Expensive as balls. Prices starts at $20 an hour for group classes if you include “enrollment” and “material” fees. I eventually found a private tutor for $35 an hour that I used for two hours a week, but I couldn’t help but feel raped. Everyone I met reminded me that I was indeed getting raped. Unfortunately Portuguese is harder to learn on your own because of a dearth of self-study materials.

Argentina: The cheapest, which is why so many gringos come here to study Spanish. You can find freelance private tutors starting at $6 an hour.

Advantage: Argentina

VALUE

Colombia: Great value that is slowly diminishing as both the economy (and peso) get stronger.

Brazil: While I was in Brazil I felt like I was paying American prices. Besides grocery store food there is very little value to be found. It was rare that I felt like I was getting a good deal on something.

Argentina: Super great value that will only get better as the peso crashes and burns due to continued government incompetence. They say the Argentine government is so corrupt because their ancestors are Italian.

Advantage: Argentina

VIBE

Colombia: Colombia is full of good-natured, curious people who want to learn about foreigners while showing the best of what their culture has to offer. While Colombians don’t go nuts like Brazilians, they’re a sensual people who are fun to pass the time with. Edgy city life keeps you engaged and interested.

Brazil: Brazilians are constantly in celebratory moods, and it seems like there is always some type of street party or event that makes for a good excuse to start drinking early in the day. There are lots of nightlife choices and daytime activities, and the locals are always ready to party and meet others. The sexual atmosphere is very favorable to visitors of both sexes.

Argentina: You’re not going to have much fun here unless you get into a social circle or have some sort of university class or job where you can make easy friends. Argentines are diehard conformists and always worried about what other people think of them, so there is not much in way of personal flair or spontaneous excitement. But once you get to know some cool people, you’ll have a good time and maybe bang a cutie or two.

Advantage: Brazil

There is no debate in my mind that the overall winner is Brazil. While it doesn’t outperform Colombia and Argentina in all categories, and is also frighteningly expensive, it’s the one place in South America that I must return to. It’s also the best option for the single man. While Colombia is a fine choice as well, I think it’s worth saving up your money for a Brazilian adventure that I guarantee will be the first of many.

While I’ve tried my best to explain Brazil’s charm in previous writings, it’s something you have to experience yourself to understand why fans like me love it so much. I remember something a man told me many years ago: “There are two types of men—those who haven’t been to Brazil, and those who are trying to go back.” Not a week goes by that I don’t fantasize about what my third visit to the country will be like.

I hesitated going to São Paulo for a while because of all the bad things I kept hearing. The traffic is horrible, it’s dirty, it’s too big, it’s too hard to know where to go, it’s expensive, etc., but I’m the kind of guy that needs to check things out for himself. Since I was close I had to stop by and visit the largest city in the Americas after Mexico City.

The size is quite impressive. A city like New York is separated by all those dirty rivers, but São Paulo is just one huge concrete salad. I still can’t get over it, and that alone is almost worth a visit.

Someone in the forum took the trouble of breaking down the city so I won’t do that, but you can’t go wrong staying in the Vila Madalena area, which is reasonably close to a lot of popular clubs. The city is so big that cab rides at night can demolish your budget, so when it comes to lodging your main criteria should be how close you are to the nightlife (during the day you have the subway).

What I like about São Paulo over Rio is that you have your normal tribes, making it easy to fit in if you have a unique style. For example, there are many pseudo-rock clubs where I would do well at, but in Rio that was a lot harder to find because almost everywhere caters to the mainstream crowd. São Paulo has a ton of variety in types of clubs, bars, and restaurants for more specific tastes, while Rio is more of a one-size-fits-all type of place.

Unfortunately the girls are not as pretty as the ones in Rio. They’re lazier with their appearance while lacking the carioca sexiness. In Rio girls refuse to go out without heels, but in São Paulo I saw more of that Argentine trend of going out with dirty Converse shoes. That’s not to say that there aren’t tons of beautiful girls in São Paulo, but per capita I saw a decrease in quality. Also for a big city, there’s a surprising number of fatties walking around. I guess that puts a kink in the argument that people are skinnier in big cities because they have to walk so much.

A lot of Brazilians say that “São Paulo never sleeps,” but that’s not exactly true. In a city of almost 20 million people, there were two clubs listed on a popular nightlife guide for Monday. Tuesday wasn’t that much better. Until Thursday, you don’t have many options besides some sit-down bars. This is not Vegas, and it’s not New York either. On the bright side, girls are more curious about your gringo status and a surprising percentage speaks English. For some guys it will be easier to pull here than Rio.

I recommend you come for a weekend, not necessarily for the girls but just for the travel enjoyment. São Paulo is arguably the most important city in South America and it’ll definitely keep you busy and interested for a few days. My Danish roommate fell in love with the place and I understand why—it’s more progressive than Rio and simply has more to see.

Handsome, no?

Looks matter in Brazil, and they matter in a big way. If you have blonde hair, blue eyes, and an above-average appearance, you will have an easy ride. Girls will check you out, invite you to approach them by getting close to you, or just approach you outright.

I remember when my Danish roommate told me the story of how a girl approached him. He rebuffed her by saying he’d chat with her later, and then she approached him again later in the night by grabbing his arm tight, basically begging him to kiss her. That has never happened to me anywhere in the world, and most likely never will.

It’s no surprise that my roommate was not big on approaching (until meeting me, anyway). With his good looks he was never hurting for poon that he had to dive into the trenches and work on his game. So what he did was wait for a girl to check him out before going over to play cigarette game, in addition to maintaining a profile on Brazil Cupid. That’s all the game he really needed in Brazil.

But of course there’s a big catch: I banged about the same quality as him (I like to think better), though he had me beat in quantity. It’s true that I had to work harder by doing far more approaches than him, but by using tighter game, which in Brazil was approaching much more and not being needy, I could get women who were significantly better looking than I’m handsome, while he got girls on the same level as himself.

How do I feel about the extra work I had to put in?

Life sucks! It isn’t fair! Why God, why?!

Though honestly I’m fine with playing the hand that I was dealt, because I know there are a lot of guys in the world who have it worser off than myself (unless you’re a quadriplegic or look like the Elephant Man, you’re still in the game). At the end of the night when me and the Dane were talking about the girls we were banging, I realized the result is the same. If anything, by working harder I’m building a skillset that will stay with me long after our looks fade. The alternative, of crying about it and not getting laid at all, is simply unacceptable.

The Dane and I have become quite good friends (I think I mention him here more than Virgle Kent or Roissy). We have the type of bond where we can openly discuss our strengths and weaknesses, so one day he said to me, “I wish I had your game.”

Without skipping a beat I replied, “I wish I had your looks!”

If he did have my game, he’d be unstoppable, but that will never happen because his results will always be good enough, while on the other hand I’m overcompensating for a youth of zero pussy. He doesn’t have the ache like I do, that while much diminished is still bubbling underneath the surface. Thanks to game, uglier guys like myself can get girls just as hot, or hotter, than a guy who used to be a somewhat famous singer on MTV Europe. No lie.

Because verbal game in Brazil not as effective as in the States, the game economy there is mostly built around appearance and confidence. My Danish roommate, who is the exotic ideal for Brazilian women, had to work much less than me for the same result. Now I don’t want to say I get his residual pussy, but it’s happened where girls I’ve preferred gravitated towards his baby blue eyes instead of my common browns.

One night he approached a very pretty girl in a bar and talked to her for maybe ten minutes. He saw her first, liked her first, and approached her first, so there was no ambiguity about who gets her. It’s never happened that a girl he approached went after me, anyway.

Well, there’s a first time for everything.

He introduced me and I made sure to be pleasant but not interesting or funny. It’s just bad form to upstage your wingman by turning on the charm. Instead I worked the monotone and shook hands with a zombie-like expression on my face. But almost instantly she stopped talking to him and started asking me questions. She squeezed him out and began light touches on my arm.

“Hold on one second,” I said to the girl, and turned to the Dane.

“Dude, what’s going on? She’s basically stroking my arm hair like I’m a cat,” I said.

“I know! We just talked a little, but she likes you a lot—you should go for it.”

“Why don’t you work on her a little more?”

“No no she obviously likes you more than me. Just go talk to her don’t worry about me.”

“Are you sure? I feel kind of bad.”

“Shutup, just go.”

I did feel bad. He did all the work and now she’s sucking on my big balls, but his insistence was genuine. There was no point in letting her get away, so I kept talking to her. Soon I become a little curious if this was a looks issue or not. I asked her, “Do you like gringos with beards?”

“Yes, and with big hair.” She looked at my helmet haircut, courtesy of the little scissors on my Swiss Army knife.

“Well I have some good news!!!”

To me this was an automatic kiss, which in Brazil doesn’t say much but still the girl was very decent. A little while later, after getting close enough that we were practically breathing on each other, she asked me how much longer I was staying in Rio.

“Well, ummm, only eight more days.”

“So you’re leaving?”

“Yeah but I’m coming back real soon. I mean…”

She moved away from me and sat down next to her friend, neither saying anything or responding to any sort of bar stimuli. I got the paddles out and… clear! Zzzzzt. Nothing. CLEEEAAAAAR COME ON GOD DAMN IT FIGHT! ZZZZTTTT.

The nurse had to pull me away. Time of death: 12:14 AM. I lost her.

While many Brazilian girls would be down for a one night stand, most are not, especially once you move up in socioeconomic status (the exception is if they happen to be traveling). If you’re only here for a week or two your best bet is to go to Lapa and hook up with a black girl as they will be easiest. Those pretty girls you see in the mall likely won’t open up to you if they know you’re only passing through. Not saying you can’t make it happen, but it’s unlikely.

“I shoulda lied,” I said to the Dane. “But honestly I don’t think I would’ve hit in just a week.”

“Yeah that sucks.”

“Bro you woulda been so mad if you saw me hooking up her! I guess it worked out for the best.”

“No I wouldn’t!”

I gave him a look.

“Alright alright maybe a little.”

“I wouldn’t have minded a little kiss,” I said.

“Yeah me neither.”

“It’s all good man.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get out of here.”

If you don’t put your wingman first, before any woman you may meet, then you shouldn’t be going out with him. The girls won’t respect you if it’s obvious you’re willing to throw your “friend” under the bus for them. Either go out with big love for your boy or go out alone, because no matter what happens you’ll go home with a smile on your face. Both of us lost the Brazilian girl that night, but we each other we had the potential to meet dozens more. And we did.

The colonial towns were nice and pleasant but after ten days I was dying to flirt. I went to Belo Horizonte, the state capital. Even though you’ve probably never heard of it before, it’s a huge city with over 5 million people (the third largest in Brazil). While costs are cheaper than Rio, you’ll be spending that much more on taxis to get around if you plan on going out a lot at night.

Thursday Night:

I went alone to Arcadium Bar in the popular Savassi area. They played forro, which is the Brazilian version of salsa with more of a country twist. I think the music is a bit annoying personally, but I didn’t want to leave Brazil without trying it out once. (The New York Times recently wrote an article on forro.)

Turns out it’s exactly like salsa. The girls go there to dance first and kiss second, so you see all these guys who are great forro dancers have their go with a girl until she thanks him and returns back to her friends. There was a lot less hooking up here than I would have expected for a Brazilian nightclub, but on the bright side guys rarely got turned down to dance. It’s a safe place for men who are scared to approach.

I hung out with a group of three girls who taught me a few moves. One girl was into me but she was not very pretty. I talked to a couple others and while they were friendly, my reluctance to dance didn’t help my cause. Overall the quality was not very good, just like you’d expect at a salsa club.

Friday Night:

I met a German guy who had both game and a sense of humor (a first), and we took a 20 minute cab ride to Chalezinho, a club that was recommended by a girl I met the night before (another good club option would have been Swingers Club). We arrived early to try and beat the crowd (11:15), but it was already mobbed. The line for guys was more like a blob. It seemed very hopeless but then I saw a hostess working the girls line with a clipboard.

I said, “Esta é a fila para gringos?” (Is this the line for gringos?)

She looked at me and smiled. “Where are you from?”

“United States!”

“I lived in Salt Lake City for a year.”

Her English was nice, her face even better, and after some small talk I asked her what my German friend and I should do to get in.

“Just hang on I’ll help you out.”

Five minutes later she signaled us to follow her and took us right to the front of the line, bypassing at least 100 guys (“Que isso!” they groaned). I thanked her and she said she’d be inside later, but unfortunately I never saw her again.

The girls were incredibly gorgeous (better than Vitoria, better than Rio, better than Colombia, and better than Córdoba). It was almost a dream to be in the same building with so many beautiful women, the best I’ve ever seen anywhere in South America. I swear you could smell vagina. I was giddy with excitement and did a warm up approach that went fine until the girl asked me how long I was staying.

I find that if a Brazilian girl asks that before you’ve kissed her, and your answer isn’t “I live here,” she will disappear within two minutes about 80% of the time, like this girl did. I did another approach and talked to a 9, which by my standards is close to a 10, but she asked me the same question. Four more times I talked to girls who were digging me, touching me, but would all ditch when they found out I didn’t live in Belo Horizonte. My blonde haired, blue eyed German friend didn’t fair any better (blonde haired wingman in Brazil are like a canary in a coal mine for me—if they can’t pull then I’ll definitely have difficulties).

By 4am I gave up. Perhaps there was a slut in the room that would bang me same night, but after nearly ten tries I didn’t find her. I sat down on a bench and looked over to my right to see an average looking guy kissing what I’d say is my ideal type of girl. Six months of living in Brazil coalesed into that moment and I realized that I too can have that girl. All I had to do was permanently move to Brazil and learn Portuguese.

I’m not getting outpulled by Brazilian guys because they have better game or style than me (definitely not better style)—I’m getting outplayed because I don’t live in Brazil. God knows how many girls I’ve “lost out” on because of that. These guys I see getting with pretty girls simply wouldn’t be able to compete with a gringo who has the permanency, the language ability, and the hyperawareness to make fast game adjustments. By passing through a city for short stints, even staying for a couple months, it’s guaranteed I will not get the most that I’m capable of. This is a downside of travel that gringos must accept. While you can get better quality than back at home, which I did in Rio, it will still be less than if you stayed permanently.

That said, a club like Chalezinho is where dreams are made. Get there before 10:30, take a couple hundred reals, get your Portuguese warmed up as English isn’t too common, and have your brain rewired in a way that makes going to an American club something that sends you into terrible fits of depression. Even though I didn’t get anything, it was one of my most memorable nights in Brazil.

Saturday Night

I went out this night a little pessimistic. Everything would go fine until they asked me that question, and then things would end. My only hope at getting laid was to find a slut, so in order to do that I would have to approach a lot.

The German and I went to the La Cancha sports bar first. Oddly enough almost all the girls wore high heels (I’m not complaining), but they were sitting down in groups. I ran Swingers game on a hostess and told her to meet us at a club downtown. She said she had no friends, but that she would get off of work in ten minutes. The German and I waited outside, agreeing that we’d let her pick which one she wanted to hook up with.

At the club she picked the German. She was cute but nothing to cry over so I went to work on the girls there and by my third approach I found something better: an 18-year-old from Juiz de Fora, another Minas city that I hear has very good night action during the weekend. It took about ten minutes to get some kissy action from her, and then I looked over her to see the German making out with the hostess. All good right? Well unfortunately for me my girl’s brother was there, and he cockblocked me later as I was entering the groping stage of the seduction. I sort of understood.

We were at the club A Obra, which is the Belo Horizonte version of Casa da Matriz in Rio. There were a lot of tatooed freaks with stretched earlobes. I knew I was in the right place because girls were asking me if I was in a band and a fattie walked up to me and stroked my shaggy hair. I had a couple more bites after the cockblock, but ran into the “So how long are you staying here” wall that was beginning to drive me crazy.

It turns out that this was the last night in South America where I’d go all out to score. In Argentina I’ve been unable to conjure up the will that was always with me in Brazil.

Bottom Line:

They say the girls in Belo Horzonte are more traditional (i.e. harder), and while I can’t confirm that because of my short stay, don’t expect it to be easier than Rio. If you have several months to live in Brazil than I’d strongly consider staying here if you’re not crazy about the beach, though understand the city is ugly with nothing special to do. Speaking Portuguese is important because many girls have no English ability. If I come back to Brazil, I plan on spending a lot of time either here, Vitoria, or Porto Alegre. God bless Rio, but I wouldn’t be happiest there.

Belo Horizonte Nightlife Guides: NaBalada and Guia BH

Lodging: Chale Mineiro Hostel ($), Hotel Sao Bento ($$), Hotel Metropole ($$$), and Motel Papillon, an hourly motel for sex located at Rua Rio de Janeiro 639.

More Brazil Guides:

• Minas Gerais Colonial Towns
• Northern Brazil
• Vitória
• Foz do Iguaçu
• Rio de Janeiro

Minas Gerais is located in the nortwest of Rio de Janeiro State, and easily accessibly by bus. Known for its cheese, pork, and women, I decided to have a little look before leaving Brazil. I visisted four cities in two weeks.

TIRADENTES

Tiradentes is a tiny colonial town named after a famous dentist freedom fighter (the name translates to “Tooth Puller” in English). It’s located about five hours by bus from Rio.

The town has a big tourist side so you’ll find a lot of cutesy antique, chocolate, and artesanal shops. There is a peaceful little river that snakes by the main square and a tiny coffee shop with only two tables. Street signs cannot be found. The colonial arquitecture, peacefulness, and safety made it seem more like I was in Europe than Brazil, so it’s no surprise that on weekends couples pour in for romantic walks down its stone-lined streets. There are also nearby hiking trails if you’re into that sort of thing.

There is absolutely nothing here for the single man, though it’s a nice break from city life. Come between Sunday through Wednesday for maximum isolation.

If you insist on talking to girls, find a club in the nearby city of São João del Rey. It’s only 30 minutes away by bus, but you’ll probably have to catch a cab back afterwards.

Where to stay? There are a couple dozen pousadas here and I can’t really recommend the one I stayed at due to its horrible foam mattresses. Bargain during weekdays and be sure to make a reservation if you come during the weekend.

OURO PRETO

Four hours away from Tiradentes is Ouro Preto, another colonial town with more arquitectural goodness for your digital camera. There is a large university here so you have more options for girl watching, but I didn’t see anything spectacular. Surprisingly there are tons of fat girls even though the city is incredibly hilly (it’s possible that the fatties I witnessed were tourists).

The city reminds me a bit of Valparaiso, Chile, but smaller, prettier, and safer. On the downside it has very limited nightlife options and is extremely touristy. There is one club near the main square but it’s full of college kids, and the bars are of the sit-down variety. Day trips can be made to other colonial towns nearby with Mariana being your best choice.

Where to stay? I stayed in the Pousada Sao Francisco de Paul, a hostel with rustic private rooms. It’s not particularly good value but it’s close to the bus station so you don’t have to take a taxi.

DIAMANTINA

A ways off in the northern part of the state, Diamantina is another colonial town that receives far less tourists than the others in Minas (except for its Carnival, which is supposedly the best in Brazil). Within ten minutes of arriving I knew it was a special place, and told the taxi driver upon leaving four days later that I’d like to grow old here with my Brazilian wife. It’s safe with a small-town vibe, but during the day streets feel alive with animated people going about their business.

There aren’t many girls but the ones that come out of hiding during the day can be very beautiful. Supposedly there is a university on top of some hill but I didn’t bother to check it out because of my short stay. It’s here that I realized how relative beauty is. Seeing a girl who’s a 6 on the streets got my complete attention, though in Rio I wouldn’t have noticed. That’s actually a problem in cities: you’re surrounded by so much beauty that you don’t want to settle down until you get a bonafide hottie, yet in Diamantina I’d wife up the first 7 that was down. (Is city life constructed to make you less happy when it comes to finding mates?) If I lived in Diamantina and built roots, I’m confident I’d get something very decent.

There is not a whole lot to do here, so come if you want to relax, read, or get some work done without other tourists around. The value here is very good, as food and lodging is the cheapest of the other colonial cities.

Where to stay? I highly recommend Pousada Dos Cristais. For only 70 R$ per night I stayed in a very large room with a balcony. The staff is very friendly and there are two cats.

These colonial towns are great to relax in when you want to get away from the dirty cities, but are horrible for talking to girls. Overall they’re definitely worth a visit.

More Brazil Guides:

• Belo Horizonte
• Northern Brazil
• Vitória
• Foz do Iguaçu
• Rio de Janeiro

PREVIOUSLY: Part 3

The line took forever. We were exposed to the São Paulo air, which wasn’t as polluted as so many others made it out to be. Maybe it’s worse at the height of summer. She started talking again and I heard “something something something meu namorado something something.” My boyfriend. Did I hear that right? Yes, I’m sure I did. My brain and ear complex is a scientific instrument that can pick out the word “boyfriend” is about a dozen languages.

“If we don’t see each other again after the flight, make sure you email me.”

“I will.”

But of course I was going to wait for her after we landed. I just didn’t want to tell her that.

The flight was under two hours. I dozed in an out of a light sleep, thinking of her most of the time. When I went to the bathroom in front of the plane I glanced back and saw her hat poking up in a window seat. She seemed to be reading her workbook. It’s happening a lot recently where I think, “She’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever talked to,” and I’m not sure if that really is the truth or if my memory is getting more faulty as I age, but at that moment she had the title. Of course I was going to Argentina and who knows who I’d meet there, but to know that my little tentacles were beginning to wrap around this one made me feel… good. I like to think I don’t need validation from women, but our completely innocent two hours together was validating me more than a third of the women I’ve had sex with. I know she’s just another human being, with her own issues, insecurities, and flaws, and that somewhere there is “a guy who is tired of fucking her,” but I wanted the clean shot to be that guy myself.

The plane landed and I walked out of the boarding tunnel and then made a right turn down the hallway and then a U-turn down the escalator. I waited next to a column. I wanted to see the surprise on her face when she caught sight of me after thinking I had left.

For being only nine rows back it seemed to take forever for her to come out. I played with my phone for a bit and then looked up and saw her coming down. We made eye contact and she let out a huge smile, and I smiled back.

“You waited,” she said.

“Yup only for you.”

Three minutes.

“So do you have someone here to pick you up?” I asked.

“No my dad was supposed to but he couldn’t. I will try to call him.”

“So I have to get my bags and check in again with another airline. TAM doesn’t go to Córdoba.”

“Do you have a lot of bags?”

“Only two but they’re insanely heavy. One is a backpack and I think it’s time to get a bag with wheels. But I feel like a strong man when I carry everything on my back. So are these all your bags?” She had one little wheeled suitcase, a plastic bag with the name of a chocolate shop I’ve seen in Rio, a small handbag, and a duffel bag.

“Yeah this is it. I was only in São Paulo for three days.”

“Mmhmm four days for me.”

“When does your flight leave?”

“In a little less than two hours.”

“So you have to check in soon.”

“Yes I guess so.” We had taken slow steps from the escalator and stopped in the middle of the baggage claim hall. Another flight had just been let out and not far off was a large crowd waiting behind the arrivals glass.

Two minutes.

“It’s a shame that we don’t live in the same city.” I said it as earnestly as I possibly could, so she could pick up on what I was really trying to tell her.

“Yes but we’ll keep in touch.”

“Yes but… ” But you know this is it right? How long is our little email conversation gonna go for? One month if we’re lucky. When am I coming back to Porto Alegre? In two years when you’re married, with a kid? Right, we’ll keep in touch.

“Yes we’ll definitely keep in touch,” I said. “And soon you’ll write to me in English.”

“But you have to keep writing in Portuguese to practice.”

“I’ll forget everything by then, though back in the States I know of a couple Brazilian stores. I can go there to say a few words, buy some açaí pulp and guarana syrup to make my own açaí like they do in Rio. I wonder if they have queijo minas too…”

Neither of us broke eye contact. For a second it felt like she was stuck and couldn’t move. I heard the baggage belt begin turning and squeaking.

One minute.

“It was really nice meeting you,” I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

“It’s only one kiss right?”

“Yes, one,” she said.

“But in Rio there’s two. I heard in some parts of France there’s four. That’s a bit much maybe.”

She just looked at me. I noticed my hand was gently holding onto the underside of her left arm, near her elbow. She didn’t move it away.

“Well if I visit Porto Alegre one day you’ll have to be my personal guide.”

“Of course! And if I visit Washington…”

“Of course.”

“Well I guess I have to get my bags now.”

“Yes go ahead. Make sure you email me!”

“I will in a couple days.”

“Okay then.”

“Goodbye.” I squeezed her arm and walked away. Twenty seconds later my mind seizured with doubt and thoughts of what I could have done differently, but by the time I turned around she was gone.

Three days later I sat down to send her an email. She wrote her address in very bad handwriting and I couldn’t make out several characters. I tried a couple combinations, but they all got returned.

—

PREVIOUSLY: Part 2

We had been talking for an hour and a half. My Portuguese was losing potency, but by now she was doing most of the speaking. I passed that crucial point where she became comfortable just talking to me about whatever was on her mind. In the moments I blanked she resumed the conversation with questions, observations. I took her talking as an opportunity to just stare into her eyes and imagine things that would never come to pass—just for fun, just to give me a little hope that one day everything is going to perfectly come together with the girl I want in the city I’m living in.

“You told me you’ve been to New York before,” I said.

“Yeah but only for a week. I really liked the city.”

“I think New York is the best city in the U.S. though honestly I haven’t been to a lot of American cities. I’ve been to more places in Brazil.”

“Wow that’s pretty strange.”

“I guess. But there I just don’t have the motivation. I know, say, Boston, is different than Washington D.C., but how much different? In the end I like doing things that are difficult, and going to another American city isn’t. There’s no struggle—it’s just sightseeing and going drinking, meeting people who are similar to ones I’ve already met. I want to learn a new language, a new culture, learn different ways of living. Something about it has to be hard, and Portuguese is definitely very hard.”

“Yes, it is. Did you take a class?”

“I had a tutor in Rio. I studied with her about 15 hours or so. But yeah one day you should come to D.C. We have very nice museums.”

“What else? How is it like living there?”

“Well it’s like Brasilia I guess. You have a lot of politicians and lawyers. It’s a serious city, alright for three days but you’d have more fun living in New York. Besides the museums and a couple cupcake shops there’s nothing else I can really recommend.”

We had to hop on a bus to the boarding gate. I followed her in, finally getting a nice view of her body, and sat down next to her. She’s talking and talking about all sorts of things, and unfortunately I was understanding less as she began speaking faster and using more slang. I would single out a word here or there for her to explain but I let a lot of it go because I didn’t want to disturb the flow of the conversation. Instead I’d do my trick of matching her facial expression towards the end of what she saying so she believed I understood. “This wouldn’t be a problem if we dated,” I thought, “because at fours a day of Portuguese you’d get there in six weeks.” Besides not living in her city, I’d admit to nothing else that would hinder a potential relationship.

I wanted to feel out her interest a bit more. She was talking to me, which was a good sign, but how interested was she? I can’t yet say there were heavy flirtations.

On the bus I made sure not to touch her side while seated next to her. About two minutes in I felt her thigh slightly touching mine. With women there is no such thing as an accidental touch. To accentuate a later joke I touched the top of her knee with my hand for two or three seconds, just to do it. My feelings were mixed, a combination of the pleasure of spending time with her mixed with the emptiness of our inevitable separation, of going to a new country and starting all over again for the third time in a year.

At the time I felt that things were beginning for real, the bus came to a stop next to our airplane. We got out and waited in line on the stairs up to the door. It was a big plane so the odds we’d sit next to each other approached zero.

“What seat are you?” I asked.

“16E.”

“I’m 16D!”

“Really?!”

I looked at her wide open eyes and felt bad for my joke. “No unfortunately not. I’m 6C.” She didn’t laugh, and I told myself I wasn’t going to test her again.

CONTINUED: Part 4