I’ve been to 33 cities in every South American country except Colombia, Guyana, French Guinea, and Suriname. Even though I’m confident three of those four countries would never make the list, I may have to make an edit to this post some time in the future.

1. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The secret has been out for over fifty years. Yes, Rio has a very serious crime problem and the police won’t go into many areas without armored vehicles and full SWAT protection, but if you’re a guy looking for a sex vacation and you don’t like Asian girls there is no other city in South America that touches your high odds of getting ass here. Pussy doesn’t fall from the sky, as you might be thinking, but the native girls actually like gringos. Even the native guys like gringos. Go out every night, don’t be a wallflower, and you will get to experience what I plan on experiencing again in the future.

If that hasn’t sold you, how about the a gorgeous backdrop and beach weather nearly year round? Sure the water isn’t sparkling blue, but you’ll be busy on the Ipanema sand angling to get in with the girls in ridiculous bikinis laying next to you.

Low-End Budget: $100-120/day

2. Cordoba, Argentina. The Cordoba tourism agency is going to contact me any day now to thank me for single-handedly increasing tourism to this city by 1000%. I will never get tired of saying that Cordoba has the most beautiful girls in the world. And it’s cheap. And the nightlife jumps. There are no fewer than 30 universities here so good luck meeting a girl over 22. The spinsters here don’t even go out at night because the competition is beyond intense.

A downside of this place is the girls are pretty damn difficult—especially if you don’t know Spanish—but I guarantee you will begging for them when you return home. Their beauty will spoil you until you die. I think I missed American girls for a quick minute until I snapped to my senses: I rather have difficult girls that are my type than easy girls I want to immediately dump after I have sex with them. This is the only place that I talked to 9’s every time I went out, uninterrupted. There is no cockblock brigade in Argentina (or anywhere else in South America). I’ve been back to the States for two months and talked to a 9 once, and I had to compete with only FIFTEEN other guys who felt it was their do-or-die moment.

Low-End Budget: $50/day

3. Merida, Venezuela. I traveled to Venezuela for a random 10 day vacation a couple years back, and Merida is still on my mind. This is like a Cordoba-lite with a large college population that loves to party. I still remember the bar El Hoya de Queque, perhaps the best bar in South America, where I got rejected by my first Venezuelan beauty (9+) who at the time was probably the most stunning girl I talked to. I remember how excited I was just because I had the chance to have a conversation with her.

The girls are not as hot as in Cordoba and there are less of them around (in Cordoba you walk outside and in two minutes you see more beautiful girls than a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday going out in Washington DC—no exaggeration), but Merida has a fantasy setting on the doorstep of the Andes mountains. There’s a lot to do here like horseback riding, canyoning, nature tours, and riding up the tallest cable car in the world. Too bad for Merida that it’s part of a country ruled by a dictator who is doing everything he can to kill the tourism industry. “Who needs gringos when we have this black stuff that is bound to run out some day!!”

Low-End Budget: $60/day

A few people have asked me about my future travel plans. Colombia is high on my list so I can claim to be a South America girl expert, but I’ve been eyeing Eastern Europe lately, and by eyeing I mean I’m asking guys how easy the girls are in Eastern Europe. Perhaps I’ll visit Cordoba and Merida for a nostalgic return, but Rio is going to have to wait a bit until I get my money right, which is not going to happen as long as I stay addicted to Guitar Hero 3.

For more travel goodness, visit the list of South American cities I visited.

The bars and clubs in Brazil have a weird system. In the U.S. you simply order a drink and then pay for it when it’s served to you, but in Brazil you have to give them your consumption card when you order. Here’s an example of a consumption card:

They put a hash mark in the box next to your drink and then they seve you. At the end of the night, you give your card to a cashier, pay the total, and get a stamp needed to exit. It sounds efficient but there are three problems:

1. You will lose your card. A lost card is an automatic 200 reals ($120—and increasing) charge. A lot of gringos waxed about drinking more than 200 reals worth of booze and losing their card on purpose to scam the system, but I did not meet anyone who attempted this. (I found it amusing that whenever a guy shared this idea he thought he was a genius for coming up with it.) A vodka drink is around 8 reals so you’d have to get consume 25 mixed drinks to get there. A beer is usually under 5 reals.

2. Long lines. When you want to leave after 2am or so, the line can be painfully long. It’s like you’re trapped. If you only ordered two drinks, you will usually wait much longer than the time it took to order and pay for two drinks.

3. Rip-off friendly. The amount I paid was almost always higher than what I added up. (One of the reasons the line moves so slow is because half the people are challenging the final amount.) Sometimes the cover charge goes towards your drinking but other times it doesn’t. Transparency is lacking.

This system reminded me of Salta, Argentina, where you had to carry the same glass with you all night long. When you leave they ask you for your glass and if you don’t have it you have to pay something like a 50 cent charge. It was common to see guys tearing it up on the dance floor with a cocktail glass in their back pocket.

One more thing. Remember when I wrote that Brazilians refer to spooning as “lying like oysters?” I was close—it’s actually to lie like seashells. With the Brazilian girls I met in Rio, I can confirm this as 100% fact.

If you read only one of my Volette travel articles, it should be this one. I wrote about my Carnival experience, how it’s like, and some tips in case you plan on visiting.

There are two parts to Carnival in Rio de Janeiro: the street block parties called blocos and the elaborate samba parade at the Sambodromo stadium. Both are required for the full Carnival experience…

I’ll admit that the Carnival marketing got me. I saw the pictures of half-naked women on floats and thought Carnival had to be just about sex. It’s more about…

Read it here

I included a dozen photos in the article. Here’s a couple:

My previous Volette articles:

• Twenty Four Hours In Buenos Aires
• The Middle Of The World (Quito, Ecuador)
• The Incan Ruins of Cuzco Peru
• The Jewel Of The Pacific (Valparaiso, Chile)
• Patagonia (Argentina)

A different side of Brazil most gringos don’t see is the gym. I don’t consider myself a meathead but with the metaphorical anal pounding my body took I was turning a little soft and figured Rio would be a good place to work on my musculature.

First thing is the cost: gyms in Brazil are expensive. The first gym I looked at cost $150 US a month, and it was almost $200 if I wanted to use the pool. While it was the most beautiful gym I’ve seen in my life, with brand new equipment in spacious rooms and even computers with free internet, I opted for the budget $100/month gym. The only major difference it had from a regular gym like Golds or Sport & Health was the LCD screens with satellite television attached to every treadmill.

Just like in the States most gym-goers are guys, but in Brazil the guys are universally huge. 90% of them were gloriously large and ripped, even the one’s in their 40’s. So many carioca guys are in shape that showing off your muscular body on Ipanema beach for example will get you about as much attention as cruising South Beach with a BMW 3 series. I saw only one or two guys during my dozen or so gym visits that were smaller than me. My gut instinct is to think they are on steroids but then again Rio has hundreds of juice bars that have caloric shakes which can be supplemented with protein. It’s also common to see GNC-like shops throughout the city. Creatine for all!

Most importantly let’s talk about the girls. In the States you see a lot of young girls in the gym because of the popularity of female high school and college athletics, but in my Brazilian gym the average female was slightly over 30. But these were the hottest 30 and over women I’ve ever seen in my life, even if a fifth of them had fake breasts. Not only do they have the means and motivation to look good, but they are working off the foundation of Brazilian genes which gives them that legendary ass. If they had it, they definitely showed it.

The best part is that many women wore skin-tight lycra ensembles where you can make out the shape of their vaginas. Do you know the machine that works out the hamstrings, where you have to lay on your stomach and curl up your legs? Imagine the views that machine could offer a gringo pervert who looked at Brazilian women with epic asses wearing one-piece outfits that revealed everything. The calf machine offered very good views of those using the vagina machine. Right now my calves are the biggest they’ve ever been in my life.

There is more of a pick-up vibe in American gyms, where you see guys and girls chatting with each other for extended periods of time without working out. In my gym this was rare but I did try to feel out the vibe by fishing for looks and engaging in light bilingual conversation. It would happen where a girl asked me in Portuguese how many sets I have left or if she could work in (you could tell which by her body language). I would respond in English with something like, “You can work in with me,” but almost every time she’d scatter off after smiling. In other cases I would ask a girl in English how many sets she has left. Instead of offering to let me work in, she would usually say she’s almost done. Even though she’d maybe check me out later, I never got that invitation to conversate, and no girl took the easy bait of asking “Where you from?” that was super common in the clubs. It could be the language barrier but my guess is there is less picking up in Brazilian gyms than American ones.

In conclusion, American gyms are good for being social and listening to T-Pain on your iPod. Argentine gyms are good for spying on the aerobics room were 95% of girls are hot. Brazilian gyms are good for looking at vaginas attached to showroom asses. Brazil wins.

Previously: Introduction To Brazilian Girls and Brazilian, Argentine, and American Girls

Most Brazilian girls look like half-Middle Eastern and half-Western European, darker than Argentine girls but lighter than girls from other South American countries. Since Brazil is similar to the United States with its large immigrant influence, it’s harder to pin down their physical features as easily as the Argentine girl.

If the average girl in a US club ranks a 5, and in an Argentina club she ranks a 7, in Brazil she’d be somewhere between a 6 and 7. This means the average Brazilian girl is bangable, but what separates Brazilian girls from the others is their vibe. If you are a guy and you look at a Brazilian girl, your mind jumps to sexual thoughts much faster than usual. Since it is not because she is more attractive, I think it’s a combination of body and body language. Having a larger than average ass helps. Argentine girls are beautiful dolls you want to show off on your arm, but Brazilian girls you want to get to the bedroom. American girls are a mixture, excelling at neither.

Most Brazilian girls in Rio speak English, and it’s not hard to see why with an English school on every other block. Your approach will be the same as on American girls, and their initial response will be the same as well (sometimes a little aloof), but what’s different in that if the Brazilian girl is feeling your game, things ramp up quickly and within two minutes it will be obvious if things will progress. She will ask you a bunch of questions, ask you to dance, or ask you to come hang out with her friends. You will get the “kiss me” vibe much faster than other girls as well, and the head turn you see in Argentine girls simply doesn’t exist here. Brazilian girls can be extremely aggressive if they like you, which means grabbing you or kissing you outright. To me that is novel and fun, but to some Brazilian guys it is annoying.

Argentina is the biggest conformist culture I’ve seen, more so than the United States. Argentine girls have the exact same hair, shoes, jeans, and even cut-off shirts. And they all smoke. One reason it’s so hard to select an Argentine girl out of a group you approached is being they are carbon copies of each other, but Brazil’s culture is more individualistic where creativity is rewarded (wait until you see pictures from the Carnival parade). Girls in the same group are very different so it will be rare you are debating between two of them.

Some problems that exist in the United States exist in Brazil as well. If you move up the socioeconomic ladder to the Brazilians who are wealthy and hold Western culture as their idol, their attitude will be just as bad or as worse than the yuppie lawyers you may hit on in DC. But there is less of a problem that a girl who ranks a 7 in Brazil will pretend she is an 8 or higher, as is common in some U.S. cities.

The best thing about Brazilian girls is they play far fewer games. I think it’s because they simply don’t know how. Many times I’m dealing with a Brazilian girl and think, “Doesn’t she know she is making it so obvious she likes me?” They show affection fast and often. On the other hand, American girls are professionals at playing games that slow down the interaction. If you show genuine affection to an American girl you are casually dating, you will be punished in some way. The interaction always has to be breezy so no one is showing “too much” interest, whatever too much is. (A person cannot handle affection if they don’t know how to give it.) The Brazilian girl is so unbreezy that you don’t have to think about regulating or keeping track of the affecting you give—in fact you won’t even be able to keep up with her. The way I view and interact with women would be completely different if I was raised dating Brazilian girls; I would put so much less mental energy into girls this blog probably wouldn’t exist.

I stayed in the worst hostel in South America for ten nights. If you are wondering why I didn’t leave, it’s because I was trapped after pre-paying for Carnival. Constructing this photo montage helped me cope.

Let’s start with my bunk bed.

I had the top bunk, which turned out to be the best bed in my fourteen bed pen. I used the locker behind me as a nightstand. Still sleeping is an Englishman who would sing a song called “Do your balls hang low” when drunk.

Here’s my repaired foam pillow:

I didn’t mind the foam so much but it was not very clean (think traveler drool sponge), and many times I’d wake up with my skin touching it.

Here’s a typical mattress, with diarrhea or urine stain, probably both. It was made of the same foam material as the pillows and compressed to the thickness of a slice of Chicago style pizza when layed upon.

I got lucky with my bunk, and by lucky I mean a robber took everything I owned except my shoes so I could walk home naked, but the others were less fortunate.

Note the six inch space between the bunks. It was almost like they were sleeping in the same bed with each other. This room was still better than the one next door that had a large water leak no one could source, or the room nicknamed “the shed” which was damp and moldy.

There were two bathrooms I could use: one in my pen and one in the hallway which twenty other people shared. Here’s a picture of my bathroom:

As you can see, the sink needs to be repaired. About halfway through my stay, another Englishman decided to wash his feet in the sink after coming home from a night out. As he came crashing down to the floor with the sink at 6 o’clock in the morning, I bet he was both suprised and dissapointed that it was held up by what appears to be bookshelf brackets.

A sign put up my management after the incident was promptly defaced.

The sink was not repaired by the time I left. Here’s the other sink:

This sink had a drainage problem that management never fixed so for several days I used a shower stall as a sink. I could only use it while wearing flip-flops because of the splash-back. After each use I dried my shins along with my hands.

Here is the floor of the shared bathroom:

You see that black “water”? My flip flop would get just stuck enough in it that when the sole released the sewage mix splashed on my ankles. For this hostel I aggressively rearranged my number two schedule until after the maid cleaned up, but I was reluctant to urinate as well. The toilets would not flush properly so many times I was greeted in the bathroom with someone else’s feces in the bowl. There will not be a picture of that.

Here’s the security camera. Notice something wrong?

Speaking of security, there was a little favela within closer walking distance than the beach.

The accomodations were so bad that it was the main source of bonding with the other travelers. Many of us maintained countdowns to check out. If you find yourself in Rio de Janeiro, whatever you do, do not stay at Che Legarto Budget hostel in Copacabana.

Brazilian: “Where are you from?”
Argentine: *Crickets*
American: “What do you do?”

Brazilian: Open toe slippers with some design
Argentine: Closed toe
American: Target brand flip flops

Brazilian: Hair length depends on current life stage
Argentine: Has either Argentine Girl Haircut #1 (long, with bangs) or Argentine Girl Haircut #2 (long, without bangs)
American: Short because long hair was “boring” or “too much work”

Brazilian: Makeout within 30 minutes
Argentine: Makeout if you played the game right, if the moon is aligned with Jupiter, and if her friends and little cousins like you
American: Makeout within 90 minutes

Brazilian: Takes off your jeans and boxers
Argentine: Takes off her big earrings
American: Takes off her shoes

Brazilian: She feels comfortable after sex
Argentine: She feels like she just carried out an important life decision after sex
American: She feels like a slut after sex

Brazilian: Clingy
Argentine: Distant
American: Low self-esteem

Brazilian: Gives you head
Argentine: Does not give you head
American: Gives you head if you imply / ask, but secretly hates it

Brazilian: Anal region exploration strongly encouraged
Argentine: Anal regions forbidden
American: Depends on level of intoxication

Brazilian: Has two or three caiprinha’s
Argentine: Has only one drink, the free one that came with her cover charge
American: Stops drinking when she can no longer feel her friends judging her

Brazilian: Knows how to shake and jiggle her entire body
Argentine: Knows how to dance to house music without showing any sexuality
American: Knows how to rub her ass on a man’s erection

Brazilian: Five second marathon eye contact
Argentine: No eye contact
American: Multiple one second eye contacts

Brazilian: Treats you so well you wonder why she likes you that much
Argentine: Treats you like you are that guy on the corner selling hot dogs
American: Treats you like her favorite coworker

Brazilian: Asks you if you are on Orkut
Argentine: Asks you if you are on MSN chat
American: Google’s you the second she finds out your last name. Uses results to judge your long-term relationship potential.

Brazilian: Licks your face
Argentine: Kisses like her parents are watching
American: Sucks your neck

Brazilian: “Dance With Me” by 112
Argentine: “Enjoy The Silence” by Depeche Mode
American: “Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile

Brazilian: Most extra fat winds up in ass
Argentine: Borderline anorexic
American: Rolls of meat around waist

Brazilian: “I like you”
Argentine: Pretends she doesn’t like you when she really does
American: “You’re nice”

Brazilian: Likes social drinking with friends
Argentine: Likes people watching with friends
American: Likes watching TV alone at home with tub of ice cream

Brazilian: Ugly tattoos
Argentine: Ugly piercings and ugly sunglasses
American: Ugly sunglasses

Brazilian: “I need to bang that.”
Argentine: “Wow she is really pretty.”
American: “She looks easy.”

Brazilian: Always answers the phone
Argentine: Always responds to text messages
American: Would miss the call from the President of France if he happened to call

Brazilian: If you like emotional girls who want to please you
Argentine: If you like frigid girls who chain smoke and act stupid
American: If you like frigid girls who act stupid

It is possible that my experience with Brazilian girls have been extraordinary, but then I wouldn’t be the only one. Second place is hard to place; if the Argentine girl and American girl are equally attractive, I don’t think it makes a large enough difference, but since Argentines are much cuter, it will depend on how much you value a pretty face.

The way some guys talked up Rio it seemed like I’d be getting head within 30 minutes of stepping off the bus. It’s ridiculous that I have to state this, because there was a second or two where I was hoping it was true, but not all Brazilian girls are easy and ready to fuck you within a few minutes.

On one side you have the poor favela chicks. As a carioca (Rio native) put it: “For them it is a dream to go out with a gringo to a dinner that costs more than they make in a month. The sex is not important—they’ve been doing that since they were 14.” Poor favela chicks are very easy, but quality is a serious problem. It’s not uncommon to see a decent looking gringo getting with a girl he should not be touching. It would be a shame if you came to Rio to bang favela chicks.

On the other side is the rich and very beautiful girls that are out of reach to the gringo due to time or social status / circle issues.

Then you have the large middle where the girls are educated and have regular jobs. Some are very pretty with fantastical asses and some are frumpy and average. Some are easy but others are surprisingly conservative. But in general the girls are prettier and easier than American girls—at least 50% easier. They are more friendly, they makeout super quick, and give less resistance to the bedroom. While there is zero guarantee you will get action when you go out, you’re a huge idiot if you go out at night without cheap motel money and a condom or three.

Two things are important:

1. You must know where to go. If you go to the rich and snobby clubs then it may actually be harder. Go to the smaller venues not known for posing. Because it takes time to find good places, a gringo visiting for a short stay may miss out on the “friendlier” girls.

2. Game plays big. Lots of girls speak English so if you have decent game you will see a gigantic jump in the quality you get compared to the gringos who simply have drunk game. I shouldn’t have to say it but approaching is still the number one thing you do to help yourself out here. Just like anywhere else, the girls who approach you outright will be ones you don’t want.

Now it’s my turn to add to the hype. Until Brazil I’ve never in my life had a very pretty girl ask me to spend the night with her a couple hours after meeting. If you are American then you are trained to think that only desperate chicks would do such a thing, but it’s quite common for Brazilian girls to show affection very fast and do much (or all) of the work to take things to the bedroom. Desperate or not, it’s very welcomed. I’m not saying you don’t have to stay on point to make things happen, but you can relax a little. Again, you will have to work just like you would at home, and you will be rejected and flaked on like you would at home, but you are rewarded faster, more often, and with better quality.

This leads to the number one rule of Rio:

Do not date the first girl you have sex with, even if she is just as good or better then what you get at home.

Keep her on the side and go out even more. You’ll understand what I mean when you get down here.

I love Rio, and it will be the my longest stay out of all the cities I’ve visited, but I wish I came before South America beat the shit out of me. It takes a lot of energy to enjoy everything it has to offer. And if you come here with a competent wingman, you can do tremendous damage in a short amount of time.

While not every guy gets laid in Rio, it’s very hard not to if you put in some effort.

Continued… Brazilian Girls

I got a cell phone, signed up at a gym, and started taking Portuguese lessons. I have a feeling I will be here a while.

I need two weekends before I can share my initial thoughts. No snap judgments!

I’m dropping $100/day. Trying to hit $60.

Did you know Prada makes a cell phone?