We all know that ladies night promotions are a scam by club owners to attract more men into a bar. The reason, of course, is because men drink a lot more than women. I’ve never been to a ladies night that wasn’t a sausage fest, but there is ladies night here in Quito which is true to its name.

On Wednesdays from 7-10PM at a club in New Town, ladies get in free and drink for free. Yeah, a three hour open bar. Men are not allowed in the bar until 10PM after paying a $3 cover. The line of dudes by 10PM goes around the block. So if you’re a guy the plan is to stand in line by 9PM, be the first to get in, and enjoy about one hour of quality time with a bunch of drunk, horny girls. So you want to know what it’s like?

I do too.

I got a nasty cold on Tuesday and haven’t been out since.

On my third day.

August 10 is Quito’s Independence Day, but the celebration started the night before. I was observing a staged reenactment in Plaza Grande until I got bored and decided to walk back to my hostel. One particular street crossing was very crowded and there was a lot of unnecessary pushing and shoving by teenagers. Two thoughts went through my head:

1. This feels like a mosh pit.
2. This is how people get their pockets picked.

I went back to the hostel and noticed my wallet was not in my front pocket. I went through three minutes of panic looking for it everywhere, even in places I knew it couldn’t be at—but it was gone. I always thought I’d feel a pick pocket, but I guess their business is making sure you don’t.

The damage was $80 and two expired credit cards I was using as mugger bait to distract the respectable stash hidden in a pouch next to my crotch. My innocence as a traveler has been lost for all eternity.

Many will leave disappointed.

Alternate caption: Picture I took five minutes before I got robbed.