Four and a half years ago, after visiting Venezuela, I got the idea of doing a travel pickup guide. Hints of it were seen in my Real Man Travel Guides blog along with my book A Dead Bat In Paraguay, but I never commited myself to writing a complete guide for one country. In the past year I realized that my free time and background made me very qualified to work on such a project, and that it’d be fun to try. At the start of my fifth month in Colombia I buckled down and began work on Bang Colombia, finishing it about nine months later. Here’s the synopsis:

Bang Colombia is a strategy guide designed to help you sleep with Colombian women in Colombia without paying for it. It contains dozens of moves, lines, and tips learned after six months of research in Medellin, where I dedicated my existence to cracking the code of Colombian women, who are more challenging than their Western counterparts. In addition to teaching you the differences between Colombian and Western culture, it details the logistics of traveling through Colombia, tips on studying Spanish, a packing guide, and recommended nightlife for the country’s three largest cities. You’ll learn three effective methods of meeting Colombian women, how to combat their flakey nature, how to ask them out via email and phone, how to date them, how to seal the deal quickly using non-obvious shortcuts (even if you’re staying at a hostel), and much more. With lines shared in both English and Spanish, Bang Colombia aims to be a must-read for every Western man visiting the country.

You can get your copy at BangColombia.com. It’s available in paperback or Kindle editions from Amazon, and an eBook in PDF format. On the website I also share notes of the mindset it took to write the book and specific details of exactly what’s inside.

May every man who reads the guide get their Colombian flag.

My master plan was to live in Colombia, Brazil, and Argentina for six months each, and then evaluate which was best to live in for extended periods of time. Here are the total lengths of time I stayed in each country during my last trip:

Colombia: Six months
Brazil: Five and a half months
Argentina: One and a half months

I left Brazil a little early because of when my monthly lease in Rio ended (I didn’t have the will to mill around in hostels for two weeks).

Argentina was a different story. You know those medical experiments that end early because one condition far outperformed another? If I remember correctly they did this with an HIV study in Africa where they tested if circumcision led to lower infection rates. It proved to be such a strong benefit that they ended the experiment early to tell the uncut guys to immediately get cut. Well that’s why I left Argentina so soon—the little data I had in my hands told me that it wasn’t a place that would have brought me more happiness than Colombia or Brazil.

That said, here is my evaluation of what it’s like to live in all three countries, along with my declaration of the best.

LAW ENFORCEMENT

Colombia: While there is a police presence, you can go all day without seeing a single squad car. Sometimes you only see cops on dinky motorcycles that look like dirt bikes. There is no heavy hand of the law here.

Brazil: Maybe only a decade behind the U.S. in terms of the Big Brother factor. The police are heavily armed, well financed (from an equipment standpoint), and make frequent stops. There are speed cameras and sobriety checkpoints. You don’t go long without seeing a cop car on the street. While the laws are more lax than in the U.S., Brazil is not a good place to openly fuck around. Even though Western media loves to portray favelas as lawless, police are generally on top of their shit outside of them.

Argentina: Police are positioned in street corners within rich areas of big cities. They don’t seem particularly well-trained or competent, probably because the country has been spared from narco-wars. It’s unlikely you’ll be bothered here.

Advantage: Argentina

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

Colombia: Local buses are run by private companies. While cheap, the lines are confusing and the buses old and very uncomfortable. The routes are not always logical and transfers are commonly needed. Medellin’s metro line though is clean, safe, and very reliable, but often crowded. The one good thing about the buses is that they come very frequently and you can flag them down anywhere along the route.

Brazil: Buses here are slow, lumbering beasts, the big versions you see in American cities. They come often and are reliable but you generally have to walk to a designated stop instead of being able to stick your hand out wherever you please. They aren’t that cheap, starting at about 2.20 R$ for a single trip.

Argentina: They have big buses like in Brazil but are almost impossible to use without insider knowledge because of nondescript signage. In Argentina you’ll only see something like “H7,” while in the other countries they’ll be a placard detailing a dozen or so stops.

Advantage: Colombia

SUPERMARKET FOOD

Colombia: It’s hard to find lemons or lunch meats in the bird family. Most sell peanut butter at inflated rates. Boneless chicken breast is usually frozen.

Brazil: Doubly hard to find lemons, and even common vegetables like broccoli and zucchini can be MIA. Peanut butter is astronomically priced. Great selection of fruits, cheeses, and lunch meats. Boneless chicken breast is usually frozen.

Argentina: Lemons are everywhere! But limes are incredibly hard to find, as is peanut butter. Poor selection of cheese, lunch meat, and fruits, but excellent choice of wines. Boneless chicken breast is refrigerated and of good quality, though much more expensive than their famed red meat.

Advantage: Brazil

RESTAURANT FOOD

Colombia: Not much selection in local fare except for dirty diners, but you’ll find many decent fusion restaurants in tourist centers, usually run by expats. I still don’t know what typifies Colombian cuisine besides stews, arepas, and fried snacks.

Brazil: Beans, rice, and meat seem to be the Brazilian staple. Local restaurants have fixed plates that will serve bland but filling meals of rice, beans, potatoes, and meat. There is more of a food tradition with dishes like feijoada and moqueca, but convenience foods like pizza and fried bread snacks are beginning to fatten the population. Upmarket restaurants put interesting spins on typical foods.

Argentina: Great value for breakfast and lunch, especially the latter where for $5 or $6 you get a tasty three-course meal with beverage. While restaurant service here is the worst, you’ll find far more creative fare with more European influence than in Brazil and Colombia. Argentina is also a better pick for the foodie who is impressed by plate presentation.

Advantage: Argentina

WOMEN

Colombia: The hardest part of getting laid in Colombia is dealing with the language barrier (you won’t meet too many girls who speak English), but if you’re conversational in Spanish and approach during the day you shouldn’t have too many issues banging cute girls. Flakiness will be your main problem.

Brazil: Brazil has proven to be a country of streaks for me and my gringo friends. You’ll bang three girls in a couple weeks then get nothing for a while. Otherwise the country is very gringo friendly and you’ll find tons of girls who speak English. The okay girls are quite easy to get in bed, but the cuter ones take more work. Towards the end of my time in Brazil I was getting sick of all the mediocre girls throwing themselves on me and having to seemingly rely on luck and the numbers game to get anywhere with the quality ones.

Argentina: These girls have a reputation for being difficult and I find that to be the case. Not only will you work your ass off to get laid, it won’t be with one of the hotties that you went there for in the first place. My second trip to Argentina I gave up on the women and found myself a Brazilian girl.

Advantage: Brazil

NIGHTLIFE

Colombia: Tables and chairs. People prefer to sit down everywhere, even in clubs, but on the plus side nightlife is concentrated in the cities so it’s easy to stumble on a variety of places that have electronic, rock, pop, or local music. Bars are a total bust in meeting people. Clubs have decent value in terms of cover charges and drinks.

Brazil: Much more Western in that people mingle. While typical bars offer tables for socializing among friends, you can find bars where there is standing and movement. Some cities have nightlife centered in specific areas, but others like Rio can be quite spread out and hard to get around. Cover charges for the high-end clubs can be astronomical.

Argentina: It has the typical bars with tables, which people start going to around midnight, and then a progressive club scene with rotating DJs develops after 2am. The nightlife is agreeable for younger kids with energy to stay up all night and dance, but for older guys over 30 it can be quite annoying to go out so late to deal with girls who aren’t even drinking anyway. A positive is that the value is very good, and you won’t pay much for cover charges and drinks.

Advantage: Brazil

COFFEE SHOPS

Colombia: There is a cafe culture with the Juan Valdez shops where you can sit with your latte and laptop for an hour or two. Ironically one of the best cafes I’ve been to in Medellin was the McCafe.

Brazil: Brazilians love their cafezinho (espresso shot), but they don’t linger. Since all coffee shops have waiters, they don’t expect you to sit down and write the next greatest American novel. For that you need to go to the mall and find a Starbucks, which is prohibitively expensive (10 R$ for a caramel frapp).

Argentina: Hands down the best coffee shop scene. Big cities have tons of pleasant cafes with wireless internet and delicious sweets. There is a lingering culture here so feel free to camp out for a couple hours.

Advantage: Argentina

SAFETY

Colombia: Safer than I was led to believe. I never had issues walking around at night even in shady areas. It’s a shame that the stereotype of the country being a warzone persists, but in a way this is good because it keeps out a lot of gringos who visit Costa Rica or Panama instead.

Brazil: Most dangerous of the three. While I’ve never been robbed in Brazil, I keep hearing stories that tell me my Brazilian-like appearance probably helped keep me safe (though don’t think Brazilians don’t get robbed). Brazil is very unforgiving for gringos who don’t have a lot of travel experience, though the most common “robbery” is getting severely overcharged by a taxi driver. I have to dedicate more energy here to staying safe than I would like.

Argentina: I’ve never heard a gringo getting mugged here—only petty theft in bus stations. Many times in Cordoba it didn’t feel like I was in South America at all.

Advantage: Argentina

FRIENDLINESS OF THE LOCALS

Colombia: Very friendly. They are much more intrigued that you’re a gringo and will always ask about where you’re from and why you’re in their country. They’re almost thankful that you’re visiting Colombia.

Brazil: It depends. I’ve met some incredibly rude and cold Brazilians, and I’ve met some who welcomed me into their home without even wondering if I could be a ax murderer or not. I would say Brazilian people are friendlier than Americans, but their friendliness is overhyped by quite a bit. A better term to describe them is warm—within a short time you’ll feel quite at ease, like you’ve known them forever.

Argentina: Outside of clubs Argentines are friendlier than Brazil, believe it or not. Even though Brazil has a more open culture to gringos, it seemed easier to make superficial friendships in Argentina with random people. I accumulated more phone numbers of both guys and girls one month in Argentina than six months in Brazil. A lot of guys though initially mistake the friendliness of Argentine women to be that they’re easy. They learn eventually.

Advantage: Undecided

TAXIS

Colombia: Taxi drivers are usually honest, and are great to practice Spanish with. All I had to do is ask “How are you today/tonight?” and we’d get into a long conversation. Towards the end of my time here I had pretty tight taxicab game, rarely getting ripped off.

Brazil: Taxis here are the worst. It’s very rare that a taxi driver, no matter how nice to me on the surface, will not try to scam me. I’ve had to argue with so many that I dreaded taking a Brazilian cab—I began taking buses everywhere instead, even late at night. While getting ripped off rarely means more than a $5 difference, it was the principality of it.

Argentina: Mostly honest, though less friendly than the Colombians.

Advantage: Colombia

MUSIC

Colombia: You got three main choices here: salsa, reggaeton, and vallenato, all of which are danceable, in addition to your normal house clubs. Plus you got Juanes, Colombia’s Michael Jackson, and Shakira, Colombia’s Shania Twain. Rock is also popular.

Brazil: Brazil has a very rich musical culture. Each state has their own flavor of music and you can live here for years until you know them all. From traditional samba to pagode and forro (I need more triangle!) to the newfangled tecno brega, music is an important part of how Brazilians connect with each other and pass the time, but most of the music is hard to dance to for the average gringo. Expensive clubs usually have Western music (fun fact: the song “Forever Young” is huge in Brazil).

Argentina: Reggaeton is slowly making its way here in addition to mainstays like cuarteto, cumbia, rock, and house. Argentines are pretty crazy about house music, but unfortunately they have very little idea how to dance to it.

Advantage: Colombia

CELL PHONE SERVICE

Colombia: Expensive and mostly reliable, though some text messages remain in the ether for hours until delivered. You have a lot of options on the street to make cheap calls from minuto celular vendors.

Brazil: Crazy expensive at more than 50 cents a minute if calling another cell phone from your own. Your only other option is Skype as they don’t have phone vendors on the street like in Colombia. Text messages sometimes get temporarily lost here too.

Argentina: About the same as Colombia, but no minuto celular vendors.

Advantage: Colombia

LANGUAGE CLASSES

Colombia: Group classes can be found at reasonable prices, from $5-10 an hour.

Brazil: Expensive as balls. Prices starts at $20 an hour for group classes if you include “enrollment” and “material” fees. I eventually found a private tutor for $35 an hour that I used for two hours a week, but I couldn’t help but feel raped. Everyone I met reminded me that I was indeed getting raped. Unfortunately Portuguese is harder to learn on your own because of a dearth of self-study materials.

Argentina: The cheapest, which is why so many gringos come here to study Spanish. You can find freelance private tutors starting at $6 an hour.

Advantage: Argentina

VALUE

Colombia: Great value that is slowly diminishing as both the economy (and peso) get stronger.

Brazil: While I was in Brazil I felt like I was paying American prices. Besides grocery store food there is very little value to be found. It was rare that I felt like I was getting a good deal on something.

Argentina: Super great value that will only get better as the peso crashes and burns due to continued government incompetence. They say the Argentine government is so corrupt because their ancestors are Italian.

Advantage: Argentina

VIBE

Colombia: Colombia is full of good-natured, curious people who want to learn about foreigners while showing the best of what their culture has to offer. While Colombians don’t go nuts like Brazilians, they’re a sensual people who are fun to pass the time with. Edgy city life keeps you engaged and interested.

Brazil: Brazilians are constantly in celebratory moods, and it seems like there is always some type of street party or event that makes for a good excuse to start drinking early in the day. There are lots of nightlife choices and daytime activities, and the locals are always ready to party and meet others. The sexual atmosphere is very favorable to visitors of both sexes.

Argentina: You’re not going to have much fun here unless you get into a social circle or have some sort of university class or job where you can make easy friends. Argentines are diehard conformists and always worried about what other people think of them, so there is not much in way of personal flair or spontaneous excitement. But once you get to know some cool people, you’ll have a good time and maybe bang a cutie or two.

Advantage: Brazil

There is no debate in my mind that the overall winner is Brazil. While it doesn’t outperform Colombia and Argentina in all categories, and is also frighteningly expensive, it’s the one place in South America that I must return to. It’s also the best option for the single man. While Colombia is a fine choice as well, I think it’s worth saving up your money for a Brazilian adventure that I guarantee will be the first of many.

While I’ve tried my best to explain Brazil’s charm in previous writings, it’s something you have to experience yourself to understand why fans like me love it so much. I remember something a man told me many years ago: “There are two types of men—those who haven’t been to Brazil, and those who are trying to go back.” Not a week goes by that I don’t fantasize about what my third visit to the country will be like.

I hesitated going to São Paulo for a while because of all the bad things I kept hearing. The traffic is horrible, it’s dirty, it’s too big, it’s too hard to know where to go, it’s expensive, etc., but I’m the kind of guy that needs to check things out for himself. Since I was close I had to stop by and visit the largest city in the Americas after Mexico City.

The size is quite impressive. A city like New York is separated by all those dirty rivers, but São Paulo is just one huge concrete salad. I still can’t get over it, and that alone is almost worth a visit.

Someone in the forum took the trouble of breaking down the city so I won’t do that, but you can’t go wrong staying in the Vila Madalena area, which is reasonably close to a lot of popular clubs. The city is so big that cab rides at night can demolish your budget, so when it comes to lodging your main criteria should be how close you are to the nightlife (during the day you have the subway).

What I like about São Paulo over Rio is that you have your normal tribes, making it easy to fit in if you have a unique style. For example, there are many pseudo-rock clubs where I would do well at, but in Rio that was a lot harder to find because almost everywhere caters to the mainstream crowd. São Paulo has a ton of variety in types of clubs, bars, and restaurants for more specific tastes, while Rio is more of a one-size-fits-all type of place.

Unfortunately the girls are not as pretty as the ones in Rio. They’re lazier with their appearance while lacking the carioca sexiness. In Rio girls refuse to go out without heels, but in São Paulo I saw more of that Argentine trend of going out with dirty Converse shoes. That’s not to say that there aren’t tons of beautiful girls in São Paulo, but per capita I saw a decrease in quality. Also for a big city, there’s a surprising number of fatties walking around. I guess that puts a kink in the argument that people are skinnier in big cities because they have to walk so much.

A lot of Brazilians say that “São Paulo never sleeps,” but that’s not exactly true. In a city of almost 20 million people, there were two clubs listed on a popular nightlife guide for Monday. Tuesday wasn’t that much better. Until Thursday, you don’t have many options besides some sit-down bars. This is not Vegas, and it’s not New York either. On the bright side, girls are more curious about your gringo status and a surprising percentage speaks English. For some guys it will be easier to pull here than Rio.

I recommend you come for a weekend, not necessarily for the girls but just for the travel enjoyment. São Paulo is arguably the most important city in South America and it’ll definitely keep you busy and interested for a few days. My Danish roommate fell in love with the place and I understand why—it’s more progressive than Rio and simply has more to see.

“It’s hard to know, when you’re in such a jam, which is worse—not having a place to sleep or not having a place to work. One can sleep almost anywhere, but one must have a place to work. Even if it’s not a masterpiece you’re doing. Even a bad novel requires a chair to sit on and a bit of privacy.”
—Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller

One of the hardest things about traveling is finding a decent place to work. A lot of countries don’t have that lingering coffee shop culture that we have, with comfortable work spaces and a staff that leaves you alone. In South America it’s too much to ask for wireless internet, electrical outlets, a bathroom that is less than a quarter mile away, and a large selection of artisanal teas.

Most of the time I had to work from home (or hostel), but unfortunately I wasn’t nearly as productive. In the States I’ve had peak days of cranking out five hours of honest-to-goodness work, but I rarely got above two hours in South America. For my latest trip I took some pictures of my work spaces, which I believe you will find fascinating.

Bogota, Colombia

Finding a table and chair was sometimes challenging, so for my first city I used a trash can as my working platform. It’s here that I put the finishing touches on A Dead Bat In Paraguay. On a trash can. When the maid came by I had to remove everything so she could empty it.

Medellin, Colombia

My first Medellin apartment had a pretty decent work area. I started the trip drinking water out of bottles but eventually drank straight from the tap. I never got sick from it. My stomach was actually healthiest in Colombia (it got worse in Brazil and then fell apart in Argentina where my “Days Without Diarrhea” counter never got into the double digits). I’m okay now, thanks.

The desk in my second apartment was considerably smaller, but I lived near a McCafe where I could hang for a couple hours at a time. Note the kitty calendar hanging on the wall (thanks sis).

Fortaleza, Brazil

I stayed in this hotel for a couple days and converted the nightstand into a desk. My Portuguese books are stored at the bottom.

Pipa, Brazil

The desk was a little low so I’d have to hunch over to see the screen. There was a massive ant colony nearby that was drawn to the warmth of my laptop. Brazil has a lot of ants.

Vitoria, Brazil

This is the niciest and most expensive hotel I stayed in during the trip ($70/night). Ironically, it was the only place that charged extra for internet and breakfast.

Vila Velha, Brazil

I moved to an apartment in a neighboring city, owned by a guy who worked at the expensive hotel. He had no furniture here so I went to a mattress store and bought a $40 foam thing that barely held up for my week stay. I didn’t get any work done here.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

This was my home for the first two weeks in Rio until I found my favela shack. I had to revisit the trash can desk. I actually got a lot of work done here because the room was usually empty with my gringo dormmates sightseeing or visiting the beach. I’m sure they thought I was loser since I didn’t do much during the day.

Cordoba, Argentina

For the first time in my life I lived alone. The apartment came furnished and set me back about $700 for the month (it was expensive because I was on a month-to-month contract). I dreamed of living alone for a long time, but it was surprisingly boring, probably because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I had a lot more fun living in my Rio shithole with my dreamy Danish roommate.

In Cordoba I finished my third book. It’s about Colombia, and should be out in a month.

There are a few things I learned upon my return trip to Cordoba, Argentina.

1. A white Argentine girl is harder to bang than one with a little bit of brown in her. These brown girls are more similar to Colombians in the work it takes to get with them. And I must stress similar because there is a difference. In Colombia girls flake right before the date, but in Argentina they do stupid shit well before. For example, in Argentina a girl will throw her number at me and then when I get her on the phone to make plans she’ll say, “Sorry but I have a boyfriend,” or something equally retarded. They just wanted to see if I’d ask them out or not. If you’re doing it by text then she simply won’t respond after a couple back-and-forths, no matter how much affection she gave you previously, making asking girls out here a lose/lose dilemma which game theory doesn’t have obvious answers to.

Many times it’s happened where a girl responded very enthusiastically when I messaged her, with replies that included exclamation points, but then simply gave me radio silence after I tried to set plans. I wanted to get an insiders look at this phenomenon, so I went through the steps of making plans with one of my Spanish speaking partners with the intention to disappear on her when it was time to finalize the time, like Argentine girls did to me.

She texted me on a day I had mentioned I might be free, asking if I could meet up later in the evening. The plan was to simply not respond and leave her hanging, but I just couldn’t do it. It’s too mean to leave someone out there like that so I eventually replied (with an excuse, but at least she got a response). It’s almost evil how disrespectful Argentine girls can be. While we do see issues like flakiness in Colombia and even Brazil, at least those girls have the consideration to let you down easy. It seems like in Argentina the girls have a goal to make you feel like shit, at multiple points in the seduction.

2. In the U.S. to upgrade from a 5 or 6 to a 7 takes a marginal amount of work. But in Argentina it’s significantly harder. There are the very cute girls who take quite a bit of time (and luck), and then bangable girls who are similar to Colombians in terms of difficulty. For example, I get looks and approach invitations from 5′s and 6′s all day, but the 7′s and up only look with their peripheral vision, if at all.

3. If the club you’re going to has a web site or can be googled, you shouldn’t go there. Alright that’s an extreme rule, but you don’t want to go to trendy places frequented only by “white” Argentines who think they’re European. Experiment with trashy bars and clubs.

4. Because your first date with an Argentine girl will most likely be with her friends, the appearance of the girl you approach doesn’t matter much because odds are she’ll have at least one cute friend. Argentine girls younger than 30 don’t like doing one-on-one dates right off the bat like in America. So what happens is she invites you out to a big group and then you can play the field and turn on the charm for the girl you really like. Stay on a friendly vibe with the initial girl you met in order to make a painless switch. In other words, don’t lead her on because if she likes you too much then her friends will back off.

On my first day in Cordoba an ugly girl at the mall was eye fucking me. I wanted to practice my Spanish so I opened her, and within five minutes she had my number. She called me later that night and invited me to a birthday party that had many girls cuter than her. There was a sad moment when she realized I didn’t like her, but I was able to meet prettier women that I wouldn’t have otherwise. The girl you approach during the day, for instance, will be merely a gateway to more poon. It’s best to do these day approaches on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, to get invited out later those nights while her feelings for you are still strong. Two downsides to this strategy: (1) You may not like her friends or they may have boyfriends, and (2) Who wants to regularly approach ugly girls?

5. Cordoba has a lot of beautiful girls because of the huge university population, but when you take that away, like I got to see on Easter weekend when the students went home, the locals are of equal beauty to other Argentine cities. What happens is pretty girls from small towns in surrounding states come to Cordoba to study, and then go back to where they came from or move to Buenos Aires afterwards. Cordoba has that wow factor when you go to a club, but most of those girls are under 23 and frankly, not yet ready for the type of easy sexual relationship you probably want. Even doing simple things with them will give you grey hair.

6. Like I described in A Dead Bat In Paraguay while observing my Italian friend Beppe, you can’t escalate on an Argentine girl like you can with Western sluts. You have to be 50% more passive than usual (assuming you’re as aggressive as I’ve taught you), and let the girl do a lot of work, either by messaging you first, inviting you out, or asking you to come to the bathroom to do drugs. The main idea here is for her to initiate the escalation move and then you finish it off.

Unfortunately many Argentine girls will not put in any work, so you’ll get “rejected” when the girl simply does nothing. Pushing the interaction hard or going direct only works on desperate girls (i.e. ugly), and boy do those desperate girls skip out on game playing to get laid! Note this passive type of game is not optimal in Brazil or Colombia. In Argentina you’re punished for being a man who goes about getting what he wants, which is probably why so many Argentine guys are weird and creepy, or have just given up on women completely to devote their lives to rock music and pot smoking. Your best option is to sit there, be cool as fuck, get her laughing, and just hope for the best. In America the game is like a mountain, difficult at times but with a visible goal that is attainable for those who train hard. In Argentina game is like a cloud, impossible to grasp.

I have to put some things in perspective. When I first visited Cordoba, I was coming from the dregs of South America (Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia). I was blown away by the appearance of the women without having the twelve months of experience that I later gained in Colombia and Brazil. While I still think Cordoba has some of the most beautiful women on the continent, they’re pretty lame, insecure, and immature. And even when they get older, a Cordobesa in her late 20′s has the maturity of a Brazilian or Colombian in her early 20′s. Sure their appearance is splendidly feminine, but they are missing the sexy vibe of Brazilian and Colombian women, and definitely the dancing ability of the Brazilians. On the bright side they seem to pick up on sarcastic humor a lot better than other South American women because of their love of American television shows.

7. Many guys told me that once you get an Argentine girl out of her city and social circle, she’ll be much more tolerable. I find this to be the case with two Argentine girls I’ve fooled around with outside of Argentina, one in the U.S. and the other in Brazil. They were very easy to make plans for, hardly flaked, and didn’t play psychosexual games. Therefore it may be easier to get your Argentine flag outside of Argentina. I hear there are a lot of Argentine girls in American ski resorts.

8. Argentina is the only country where the quality I can get is lower than in the United States. I’m talking about a timeline of one or two months. Sure if I lived there forever I’d land some decent girls, but why bother when there’s this big country that starts with a B right next door, where women have healthy attitudes towards sex and like wearing high heels instead of dirty Converse shoes or cheap boots.

9. I don’t want to make it sound like you can’t get laid there—I know tons of guys who have and even a few who got one night stands. But compared to other places, the amount of work you have to put in for something average is insanely high. I’ve never seen a gringo with an Argentine girl who was higher than a 6, which means I’ve never been jealous of something a gringo has pulled. But in Brazil it’s happened a few times.

10. My Argentine lady friend says that once you have sex with an Argentine, the floodgates open, but that’s how it is in Colombia and Brazil as well. Argentine girls think this compensates for their pre-sex craziness, but they obviously haven’t banged girls from other countries. Argentine women are simply not vale la pena (worth the pain) that it takes to get them in bed. Stop by Buenos Aires to get your flag by visiting some lame Irish pubs, where the women are more progressive, older, and speak English, then get the hell out and head to Colombia or Brazil. Honestly even that may be too much of a waste. You miss out on nothing by not banging an Argentine girl. Nothing.

Argentina is a very nice country, but trying to crack their women is a waste of life. I don’t plan on ever returning.

More Posts About Argentine Girls:

• School Of Argentine Girls
• How To Pick Up Argentine Girls (From An Argentine Guy)
• Brazilian Vs. Argentine Vs. American Girls
• Argentine Girls Final Thoughts
• Argentine Girls Final Thoughts (Part 2)

It’s insane how beefy Brazilian men are in Rio. It seems like every guy, even those who live in a favela, are either cut or buff. I like to think of myself as confident but I couldn’t help but feel small when walking on the beach upon my most recent visit.

There are pull-up and dip bars all over the place and they’re constantly being used from men of varying socio-economic classes. There are gyms on every block, the most per capita in the world, and they’re all full at peak times. If you are a frail guy coming to Rio, relatively speaking you will look like a scrap of a man. While in the U.S. some girls like that frail hipster look (where muscles would actually rule you out from sex), in Rio that’s not the case. Puny men will have trouble competing with guys who have sexy bodies.

Looking good matched my values, so I took very easily to stepping up my workouts to four times a week. It took about two months until I was no longer among the weakest 50% of men within any club. My diet improved as well, since it’s impossible to workout that often while eating like shit. The result? I become a little cockier, I bought tighter t-shirts, and I got more looks from women. That slightly increased my make-out rate with the shallower carioca girls, who grew up in the beach culture where looks are much more important than being, say, a writer who lives in a shack.

In Rio the baseline male has muscles and there’s no excuse not to have them. How did the culture get like that? How did having muscles become normal? How about America? What’s the new normal there? Well in the States I know that there are actual organizations trying to push fat acceptance. There are trying to make being a burden to society—economically and visually—something that is normal. Feminists are playing their part too, because we know that their corps is mostly composed of dykes who could stand to lose a few dozen pounds.

Looking fat and gross doesn’t match my values, so it becomes very difficult when I did my best to look pleasant and I go inside a bar where 60% of the women are warthogs with short hair who can’t dress well. In fact it’s a serious problem.

While there is a happiness blow that comes from leaving family and friends to live abroad, I think it’s nearly compensated when you’re in a place that better matches your values. It remains a happiness wash until you get old enough where you have no remaining single friends. Then the scale tips and a permanent move abroad may be the winning choice to make. If you don’t agree with the life choices of a majority of your countrymen, then you may need to go somewhere else.

Handsome, no?

Looks matter in Brazil, and they matter in a big way. If you have blonde hair, blue eyes, and an above-average appearance, you will have an easy ride. Girls will check you out, invite you to approach them by getting close to you, or just approach you outright.

I remember when my Danish roommate told me the story of how a girl approached him. He rebuffed her by saying he’d chat with her later, and then she approached him again later in the night by grabbing his arm tight, basically begging him to kiss her. That has never happened to me anywhere in the world, and most likely never will.

It’s no surprise that my roommate was not big on approaching (until meeting me, anyway). With his good looks he was never hurting for poon that he had to dive into the trenches and work on his game. So what he did was wait for a girl to check him out before going over to play cigarette game, in addition to maintaining a profile on Brazil Cupid. That’s all the game he really needed in Brazil.

But of course there’s a big catch: I banged about the same quality as him (I like to think better), though he had me beat in quantity. It’s true that I had to work harder by doing far more approaches than him, but by using tighter game, which in Brazil was approaching much more and not being needy, I could get women who were significantly better looking than I’m handsome, while he got girls on the same level as himself.

How do I feel about the extra work I had to put in?

Life sucks! It isn’t fair! Why God, why?!

Though honestly I’m fine with playing the hand that I was dealt, because I know there are a lot of guys in the world who have it worser off than myself (unless you’re a quadriplegic or look like the Elephant Man, you’re still in the game). At the end of the night when me and the Dane were talking about the girls we were banging, I realized the result is the same. If anything, by working harder I’m building a skillset that will stay with me long after our looks fade. The alternative, of crying about it and not getting laid at all, is simply unacceptable.

The Dane and I have become quite good friends (I think I mention him here more than Virgle Kent or Roissy). We have the type of bond where we can openly discuss our strengths and weaknesses, so one day he said to me, “I wish I had your game.”

Without skipping a beat I replied, “I wish I had your looks!”

If he did have my game, he’d be unstoppable, but that will never happen because his results will always be good enough, while on the other hand I’m overcompensating for a youth of zero pussy. He doesn’t have the ache like I do, that while much diminished is still bubbling underneath the surface. Thanks to game, uglier guys like myself can get girls just as hot, or hotter, than a guy who used to be a somewhat famous singer on MTV Europe. No lie.

Because verbal game in Brazil not as effective as in the States, the game economy there is mostly built around appearance and confidence. My Danish roommate, who is the exotic ideal for Brazilian women, had to work much less than me for the same result. Now I don’t want to say I get his residual pussy, but it’s happened where girls I’ve preferred gravitated towards his baby blue eyes instead of my common browns.

One night he approached a very pretty girl in a bar and talked to her for maybe ten minutes. He saw her first, liked her first, and approached her first, so there was no ambiguity about who gets her. It’s never happened that a girl he approached went after me, anyway.

Well, there’s a first time for everything.

He introduced me and I made sure to be pleasant but not interesting or funny. It’s just bad form to upstage your wingman by turning on the charm. Instead I worked the monotone and shook hands with a zombie-like expression on my face. But almost instantly she stopped talking to him and started asking me questions. She squeezed him out and began light touches on my arm.

“Hold on one second,” I said to the girl, and turned to the Dane.

“Dude, what’s going on? She’s basically stroking my arm hair like I’m a cat,” I said.

“I know! We just talked a little, but she likes you a lot—you should go for it.”

“Why don’t you work on her a little more?”

“No no she obviously likes you more than me. Just go talk to her don’t worry about me.”

“Are you sure? I feel kind of bad.”

“Shutup, just go.”

I did feel bad. He did all the work and now she’s sucking on my big balls, but his insistence was genuine. There was no point in letting her get away, so I kept talking to her. Soon I become a little curious if this was a looks issue or not. I asked her, “Do you like gringos with beards?”

“Yes, and with big hair.” She looked at my helmet haircut, courtesy of the little scissors on my Swiss Army knife.

“Well I have some good news!!!”

To me this was an automatic kiss, which in Brazil doesn’t say much but still the girl was very decent. A little while later, after getting close enough that we were practically breathing on each other, she asked me how much longer I was staying in Rio.

“Well, ummm, only eight more days.”

“So you’re leaving?”

“Yeah but I’m coming back real soon. I mean…”

She moved away from me and sat down next to her friend, neither saying anything or responding to any sort of bar stimuli. I got the paddles out and… clear! Zzzzzt. Nothing. CLEEEAAAAAR COME ON GOD DAMN IT FIGHT! ZZZZTTTT.

The nurse had to pull me away. Time of death: 12:14 AM. I lost her.

While many Brazilian girls would be down for a one night stand, most are not, especially once you move up in socioeconomic status (the exception is if they happen to be traveling). If you’re only here for a week or two your best bet is to go to Lapa and hook up with a black girl as they will be easiest. Those pretty girls you see in the mall likely won’t open up to you if they know you’re only passing through. Not saying you can’t make it happen, but it’s unlikely.

“I shoulda lied,” I said to the Dane. “But honestly I don’t think I would’ve hit in just a week.”

“Yeah that sucks.”

“Bro you woulda been so mad if you saw me hooking up her! I guess it worked out for the best.”

“No I wouldn’t!”

I gave him a look.

“Alright alright maybe a little.”

“I wouldn’t have minded a little kiss,” I said.

“Yeah me neither.”

“It’s all good man.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get out of here.”

If you don’t put your wingman first, before any woman you may meet, then you shouldn’t be going out with him. The girls won’t respect you if it’s obvious you’re willing to throw your “friend” under the bus for them. Either go out with big love for your boy or go out alone, because no matter what happens you’ll go home with a smile on your face. Both of us lost the Brazilian girl that night, but we each other we had the potential to meet dozens more. And we did.