In May of 2010 I realized that I had serious problems when I banged yet another girl only two hours after meeting her. A life of casual sex was making me a mere shell of a man, increasingly incapable of real human emotions like caring, empathy, and most importantly, true love. I had become nothing more than a machine for thrusting its hips into women of varying shapes, sizes, and colors—a mindless animal driven solely by the prospect of sexual adventures. It was time to make a big change.
For the next month I thought back to my college days, when three lovely girls let me be their friends. They gave me permission to help them with their studies, buy them small food items from the cafeteria, compliment their beauty, and most importantly, cuddle. There was no sex between me and those three girls, but there was meaning and true connection. They told me about all their desires, their ambitious career goals, their life problems, and the men they were dating who treated them like trash. Looking back, the relationships I had with those strong women brought me to within an inch of happiness bliss, yet I let it go to fuck dozens and dozens and dozens of women, with nothing to show for it but stories of wild sex and STD scares.
I decided to change gears and adopt a new game based on complimenting and cuddling. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how much happier I am today. Sure, I have seen a 99% decrease in sexual activity, but just like investing in the stock market, time is needed to see rewards. Sometimes a lot of time. I’m super confident that a firm commitment to complimenting and cuddling will give me all the sex I want when a great girl comes to the decision that I’m her best option and not Mike from the club who doesn’t have the decency to text her back in a timely manner.
Unfortunately, I’ve created a lot of damage with my fuck guide Bang, an evil resource that has sold thousands of copies across the world. It has irrevocably changed men from complimenting cuddlers to pump-and-dumpers. God, please forgive me for this great sin I’ve committed against mankind! I don’t even want to estimate how many girls have had their vaginas ravaged and abused by men who weren’t completely sincere in their affections. I’ve made the world a worse place, but while there’s absolutely nothing I can do to erase the damage caused upon god’s magnificent feminine creatures, I can control what I do from this point on. Therefore, I’m pulling Bang off of the market. The contents of that book will no longer enable men to crush the flowery petals of the glorious Western female.
I feel like I’ve come a long way since embracing my human side and can barely recognize the sexually active man I once was. There’s an easy test to discover if you’re also a true human being instead of an automaton: do you uncontrollably sob while watching The Notebook? I rented it last month and nearly choked on my tears. If you watch The Notebook and don’t cry your fucking eyes out, you’re not a real man, period.
A real man is not one who fucks a lot of beautiful women with the minimal amount of effort just to get fleeting pleasure of an orgasm that shoots semen all over a girl’s body or face, or even one who “plays the field” to ensure getting his nut for the night. No, a real man harnesses his sensitive emotions to prevent harming another soul. If every man on Earth wanted to just fuck, either in their home country or abroad, what type of world would that create? It’d be a sad, sick world, and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. It’s no accident that my Netflix queue is now filled with movies such as How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Runaway Bride, The Bridges Of Madison County, and Brokeback Mountain. Different man, different movie interests.
Six Steps To Re-Education
Renouncing my past and crying my eyes out during quality movies only brought me halfway toward redemption. To complete the process, I had to perform a six-step re-education program, which I also recommend for you. It’s simple and won’t take more than a couple months.
Step One: Admit that you’re powerless over a woman. There’s no tactic or strategy that you can use to defeat that power, and if god didn’t want women to be the stronger of the sexes, he wouldn’t have given their vagina a lock while leaving your penis with a faulty key. You must consider women to be the supreme beings in your life.
Step Two: Only a woman can make you realize your true manly potential. It’s definitely true that behind every great man is a strong woman, pushing him to reach his potential with friendly reminders to change his underwear or not to leave little hairs on a bar of soap. Since it’s possible that your strong woman will be too busy with her innovative paper-shuffling job at work, you’ll probably need to hire a maid to do things like scrub the toilets and polish the wooden Ikea furniture.
Step Three: Make the decision to hand over your love to a woman. Let her hold it, stroke it, and hopefully not take advantage of the sweet vulnerability that you’re displaying by crushing it with all her might. When giving her a promise or engagement ring, one that’s the most expensive you can afford, feel free to verbalize this exchange by saying, “I’m now giving you my love.”
Step Four: Make a list of all the wrongs you’ve done to women. It took me about forty hours to make that list, and it was actually longer than the guide you’re reading right now (shame on me). I didn’t realize how many women I had wronged by sticking my penis inside their vaginas, only to never contact them again. With all the pain I’ve caused, I rightfully deserve to be compared to horrible people who’ve caused great suffering in the world, like Stalin or Fergie.
Step Five: Contact all the women you’ve hurt and apologize profusely, then ask them to tell you everything wrong with you in two minutes of continuous criticism. Push the phone against your ear hard enough that there’s physical pain to coincide with the emotional pain you’re hearing. Once she’s done with the two minutes of hate, offer to take her to dinner. I was surprised not only at how many women took me up on my dinner offer, even though I previously destroyed their soul, but also at how much of a dent it caused to my savings account.
Step Six: Make a prayer to god, asking him to relieve you of your horrible deficiencies, because only an invisible omnipotent being in the sky has the power to improve your situation in love. A common saying in the Muslim culture is “God willing,” a helpful mindset that allows us to sit on our hands and play video games all day until god decides to send us a quality woman
After you complete these six steps, you’ll be ready to learn the true game—Compliment & Cuddle game.
A common argument that shallow game guys use to justify their behavior is evolution. They say that evolution determines the laws of attraction, that evolution has created women who want jerks, that evolution this and evolution that. I say hogwash!
Evolutionary Justifications Are Bullshit
Do you really think we’re the same breed of human being that existed 2,000 years ago? Do you really think we have the same needs they had? Of course not. Today’s human is more cultured, more compassionate, and more intelligent. We’re no longer brutes who drag women by the hair into a moldy cave. We’re not strong warriors with black dirt under our fingernails that women fawn over due to having qualities such as strength and power.
Today’s human female is more pleasing to the eye (assuming she’s not morbidly obese) and is invariably more sweet smelling, thanks to a modern company called Bath & Body Works. She’s more gentle, plays fewer petty games, and shaves her legs once every two days during the summer. Even men shave their chest hair now, so when you mouth off about how women want the alpha warrior of the past, all I have to do is point to the chest of the man sitting next to you to prove how wrong you are. The rules have changed so greatly that using evolution as a justification for what women want is like saying we should go back to family farming instead of using modern corporate methods with the cancer-causing chemicals and genetically modified seeds.
A common argument that game guys use is that girls want confident men. Let me be the first to say that confidence is overrated. Maybe girls wanted confidence in the past, but today’s woman wants a guy she can mold and control. Only by giving women what they want—upfront and with no strings attached—can we get what we want (love and real intimacy). It’s much better to approach a girl as a blank slate than as a finished man product that could offend her modern sensibilities or make her think you just want to use her for sex. So many guys lose out on complimenting and cuddling just because their confidence scares a girl into thinking that she won’t be able to wrap him around her cute little finger.
The game guys also go on and on about alpha males and beta males, as if there are only two types of men in the world. They say that to sleep with a lot of girls you have to be an alpha male, but have you personally seen an alpha in public with his head comfortably nestled in the lap of a cute but not-too-pretty girl? I haven’t. Only beta males can experience this type of joy, while an alpha acts nonchalant and smug with his girl, even checking out other women in her presence. Many times I’ve seen the pain on the face of a girl who couldn’t quite control her man, telling me in so many words that it would just be a matter of time until the unloving relationship comes to a fiery end in the man’s favor.
The alpha/beta phenomenon is what happens when you combine evolutionist mating theory with simple-minded sex automatons who don’t see women as the intricate beings they really are. Game guys think if you act in a certain way—aloof, for example—that all of a sudden a woman will be attracted and have sexual thoughts. That is totally incorrect. Only with repeated nonsexual and friendly exposure to a woman can you be seen as a potential long-term mate.
Put The Pussy On The Pedestal
For those of you who have been bamboozled by game guys, let me help erase the damage they’ve caused and share the correct mindset for awesome complimenting and cuddling. First, put the pussy on the pedestal—as high as you possibly can. After all, she’s the supreme being whose life is more important than yours in every way. Her satisfaction and happiness supersedes yours, and you must check yourself before you wreck yourself every minute you’re with her to make sure that she’s enjoying the fruits of life more than you are. If she’s at all irritable or whiny, it’s because you’re doing something wrong. You must then do what it takes to please her so her beautiful smile and charming personality reveals itself once again. Here’s a helpful hint: always sacrifice what you want so she gets what she wants first.
An easy way to put the pussy on the pedestal is to fantasize about the girl you desire for at least twenty minutes every night before you go to bed. This accomplishes two things. First, it increases the chance you’ll have sweet dreams about her, like going on an innocent afternoon picnic, saving her from a life-threatening situation where she sees you as a hero, or beating up a man who grabbed her inappropriately in a bar with your fists of fury. Second, it brainwashes you into thinking that she’s the most important thing in your life, because, well, she is.
If you’ve internalized step one from the introduction’s re-education section, you should have no problem putting that pussy on the pedestal. I just have one word of warning: don’t think about sex. Smack your dick with your strong hand if you catch yourself getting a boner while she’s in your thoughts. Another way to kill your boner is the age-old trick of thinking about baseball, the most boring sport in the world after ice curling.
There are five smaller beliefs you should adopt that will make it easier to put pussy on the pedestal. They all sharpen your internal game to get you ready for maximum complimenting and cuddling. Say each to yourself 100 times per day. If you want, say them at rapid-fire speed to create a mild panic attack.
“I may never get laid again!” Believing you may never get laid again gives you a desperate vibe that girls love. They want men who they know need them, not just for sex but social interaction as well. Pretend a horrible zombie plague has left you as the last human being alive and there is no woman you could have sex with.
“Without validation from a woman, I am nothing!” I’m probably beating a dead horse here, but unless you’re approved by a woman, you’re a piece of lint that doesn’t even deserve to be in the company of chubby-but-still-healthy females around the world.
“Every girl hates me!” This is true in all likelihood, especially if you still have an aggressive edge you learned from those scamming game gurus. Until you sharpen your compliment game, you won’t be able to nurture a strong connection with a woman. This will be easy for you to do once you’ve read the compliment database that I describe in the next chapter, which I call Compliments and Useful Nice Terms, or CUNT for short.
“My dick is too small!” I understand that not everyone can have a girthy dick with hair coming up the shaft like yours truly, so it’s best to constantly worry about if you can satisfy her in bed when the time comes. You’ll have plenty of time to ruminate on your dick size for the several months (or years) it will take for the object of your affections to actually see your reproductive device.
“I must stop thinking about sex!” If you think about sex too much, a girl will be able to see it in your eyes. She’ll label you a creeper and choose to cuddle with someone else instead. The Mormons have published countless volumes to help you stop thinking about sex or masturbation. In particular, I’m thinking about their booklet Steps In Overcoming Masturbation. It contains several nuggets of gold such as: “When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.” Another fine example: “In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.”
The bottom line is don’t let your little penis be the boss of you. Let your heart be the boss of you.
CONTINUED: PART 2