Compliment & Cuddle (Part 4 of 5)

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MIDDLE GAME CONTINUED…

Advanced Groveling

It’s time to hit you with additional strategies to help you make it through a shared function, during which the girl will become more comfortable with you than ever before. They water the seeds of friendship so that in the next couple of months you can go for cuddling.

Befriend and be nice. Everything you do should be on friendly terms—so friendly that she suspects you’re in need of subdermal testosterone supplements. You don’t want her to think you’re an aggressive brute who may make her feel uncomfortable in the bedroom by trying to put your penis inside her. Instead, be as gentle as a toddler after his afternoon nap. Definitely don’t get into any heated arguments, don’t share your honest opinions if they’re much different than hers, and don’t let her lift a finger while she’s in your presence.

Supplicate and spend. To supplicate means to bow down to a woman’s needs. It’s the only way you can show her that you’re a compliant man capable of giving her happiness. Let her determine all the details of your shared activities by handing the decision-making process to her on a silver platter. A proper supplication vibe is amplified by spending money. Let’s be honest: no girl wants to cuddle with an unaccomplished writer hack who lives in his dad’s basement. Instead, they want a successful man with a solid job and fair collection of middle-class possessions, a sign that she can financially depend on him in the future.

There are two ways to let her know of your provider status. The first is to name-drop the possessions you own, such as your plasma television with thirteen-speaker sound system, technology that poor men can’t afford. The second is to adopt the mindset of “Whatever she wants, I shall abide by providing it like the real man that I am.” On your shared function outings, get a feel for her consumer preferences—whether it’s a customized latte with five laborious modifications or a cool trinket sold by a street vendor who can barely speak English—and then purchase the fuck out of it. Beam with pride while giving her the item, as if you’re a prince handing his princess a royal present. Her smile will show that she appreciates your efforts, and you can start fantasizing about a future cuddle session that will surely blow her away.

Worry and wonder. There’s always something better you could be doing to please her. In fact, I guarantee there are at least a dozen things you’re doing wrong, and only with obsessive worrying can you discover what those things are. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you’re out with the girl:

  • Is something wrong?
  • Is she mad at me for some reason?
  • Does she like another guy more than me?
  • Will she ever see me for the man I really am?
  • Was she not impressed with my Bose sound system?
  • No, really, is something wrong?

Put yourself in her shoes and then assume the worst, that yes there is something wrong, and then be quick on the draw with an apology. Here are several examples:

  • I’m sorry if the coffee isn’t as sweet as you like.
  • I’m sorry I was three minutes late.
  • I’m sorry you’re not having a good time.

You can make things even better by executing the following strategy:

Ask and accommodate. What does she want right now? Would she prefer to do something else? If she could do anything, money being no object, what would it be? The answers to these important questions, which you should constantly ask her, will give you a blueprint to her happiness. There are many foolish men out there who never bother to ask a woman what she wants, selfishly demanding that she please him and give him happiness. That’s barbaric! Only by probing her to the point of annoyance will you know what she really wants, and once you find that out, give it to her.

Be as accommodating as possible (at sacrifice to yourself if necessary) to strengthen the bond you have with her. If you ask and accommodate, not only will she respect you more, but she’ll never take advantage of your kindness by metaphorically stomping on you with a sharp boot heel. This mindset will lead to a level of patience that would even impress Job. Let her take as long as she wants to decide what she wants to do with you, if anything.

Deeper Conversational Technique

Once you get the hang of the compliment and grovel strategy, the potential still exists for long silences during extended meet-ups. To avoid that, here are two topics of conversation that are safe and useful in every type of situation: family and work.

Talking incessantly about your family lets her know that you also want to have a family. You should especially stress how important your mom is in your life (don’t be afraid of insinuating that you’re a momma’s boy). She’ll know that your strong maternal love could easily translate to love for her when the time is right. To assure her that she won’t have future competition, feel free to insinuate that your ‘dream girl” can push your mom out of the picture like a dermatologist freezing off a stubborn wart.

Tell her how your little cousins, nieces, or nephews are growing up like magical beanstalks and that you truly love being a part of their lives. This gently implies that you want to be a father someday. Since all women want to be loving mothers, putting aside their mindless cubicle jobs to do so, this technique reinforces that you’re ready to put down roots into the Earth and settle down.

Work is also a great topic because it hammers into her brain that you make enough money to support her. The best way to set your financial stability apart from the millions of others guys is to go on and on about your cool IT or engineering job, even going into the details of specific networking projects or logistical hurdles your technical transfer team had to overcome. Trust me when I say that she’ll feel lucky that she has finally met someone who makes a real income, unlike all the other hairy losers camping out in Starbucks for five hours after purchasing an Earl Grey tea and cheese bagel.

There will still be times when you’ll run out of family or work chat. When that happens, you’ll have to fall back on asking intriguing questions that stimulate her mind. Here are five questions I use with great success:

“What is your favorite ________?” Fill in the blank with color, food, pet, ice cream flavor, or office supply store. Keep it fun and weird.

“Where is the weirdest place you’ve fallen in love?” Maybe it was at work, a neighborhood block party, or a circus. You’ll probably be surprised at the answer!

“If you could be any beautiful flower in the world, which would you be?” Agree with whatever answer she gives. Then tilt your head sideways about twenty degrees, smile, and say, “You know what? I kind of do see you as that flower, now that you mention it.”

“If you could write your own teen paranormal romance novel, what would you call it?” It’s a fact that girls love paranormal romances, so this question will get her talking about all her favorite books, which you can then find in the ten-cent pile at the local library.

“How badly do you want to save the Earth from environmental destruction?” I’ve never met a girl who didn’t want to save the environment. Sure, her carbon usage may be among the highest in the world thanks to owning a car and flying on jets, but it’s the little things she does like recycling Vitamin Water bottles and not using plastic bags that will delay the inevitable collapse of the human species by a full nanosecond.

After you’ve been on a dozen or so shared functions where the two of you become great chums, thanks in part to your fun questioning, it’s time to take things to the next level and get her out on a real date.

Your First Real Date

Even though I call this a real “date,” it’s not a word that you’ll use with her. Remember: you don’t want her to think you actually like her as more than a friend, so anything that makes her feel like you’re trying to escalate the friendship will turn her off and eliminate any future chance of cuddling. Therefore you’re going to use a little trick to get her out on a date—without her even realizing that it’s an “official” event that you’ll eagerly log into your Moleskine diary.

The only venue a man should take a proper woman to is a restaurant. It’s no accident that the act of feeding hits all her provider buttons (something that will help you down the line when eventually asking for her hand in marriage). The first thing to do is to comb the food section of your local newspaper for the newest, hottest restaurants in town. It has to be expensive for her to be impressed (if you don’t have the money and must charge it on your credit card, use one with cash back rewards for extra savings). At one of your shared functions, say, “Hey I just heard about a new restaurant in town. Do you want to check it out? My treat.” She’ll say yes, especially when she realizes she won’t have to pay. Trust me.

If she puts up a fake protest that she doesn’t want you to be spending that kind of money, just tell her you got a fat promotion at work and can definitely afford it. It’s like hitting two birds with one stone: not only do you impress her with the dinner, but you also hint at your robust income. Don’t be shy to drop a comment like, “I’m making more money than I really need—I can’t wait to share this with someone special in my life.”

There are two ways to prepare for your first official date. First, dress real classy by suiting up, and don’t forget the pocket square (if she asks why you’re all dressed up, say you didn’t get a chance to change after work). She won’t be able to avoid looking at your fine threads which only a proper job could buy. Second, bring some sort of gift. Nothing can top the majesty of a single red rose or a Whitman’s Sampler from the local drugstore. What you’re essentially doing is beginning the process of sweeping her off her feet.

Start the date with the big touching move: your hand on her shoulder for one full second. This should be the first time you’ll have touched her during your friendship, which I estimate will be at least three months strong by this point.

After you’re both seated, don’t be forceful when it’s time to order. Hem and haw a bit to fish out her food preferences so you can order something that is similar to her dish. Don’t tell her what she should eat, and under no circumstance should you order for her. Or you can just memorize the following line: “I’ll have what she’s having.” It’s especially useful when ordering wine. Avoid hard liquors, and definitely avoid beer, which would clash with your Macy’s suit and hint at a proletariat background. I suggest having no more than one glass of wine because the last thing you want to do is get intoxicated and let your ancestral masculine essence shine through.

The conversation during dinner should be jovial. Reminisce about past outings, like the time you ran into the thorn bush during a flag football game or when a goat bit your finger at the petting zoo. Avoid touching her feet under the table because after the big shoulder touch from earlier, you’ll need at least a one-week cooling off period before you touch again with your hands or feet.

When the check comes, put your credit card in the check presenter without looking at the bill. This lets her know you’re not cheap and will be able to buy her more things in the future. Finally, when it’s time to part ways, give her a quick peck on the cheek. I know this is a terribly bold move and you’ll be nervous about it, but it’s also friendly and shouldn’t make her think you’re interested in her sexually. If all goes well, she’ll say, “Thank you for dinner,” though if she forgets it’s no big deal.

If you’re like me, you’ll probably be so happy from the dinner outing and little kiss that you’ll have extra spring in your step on the lonely walk home.

CONTINUED: PART 5

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