Compliment & Cuddle (Part 5 of 5)

PREVIOUSLY: PART 4

LATE GAME

After five dinner outings and approximately $750 in expenses, it’s time to go for the glory: cuddling. You’ve finally arrived at modern seduction’s ultimate moment.

Cuddling

During your dinner dates, you will have treated her to the finest establishments in town, transporting her in your environmentally friendly automobile. When you drop her home on that fifth date, where you drank two glasses of her favorite French wine instead of the usual one, look her deep in the eyes, deeper than you ever thought was possible, and say, “May I come in, please?” Then immediately morph into your puppy dog face so she knows you’re harmless and not some serial rapist who puts in many months of work and investment to commit a horrendous crime, which according to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, affects 250,000 women every year. The sad thing is I’m pretty sure they’re underestimating those figures.

Constrain your delight when she says, “Yeah, I guess you can come in, but no funny business, okay?”

While in her apartment, take off your shoes and get comfortable on the couch. The moment is now ripe to divulge your tree feelings for her, which is the safest way to take the relationship to the next level. Otherwise, any move you make will have the potential for a razor sharp rejection.

Hold her hand and say, “You probably already know this, but I have deep feelings for you. You’re one of the most special girls I’ve met in my life and I just want you to know how I feel.” A typical response will be, “Okay, well, I just want to be friends.” She’ll have trouble maintaining eye contact, probably because she shares some of the same feelings but isn’t as assertive as you are about disclosing them. Then say, “That’s fine with me. Friendship alone with you is better than nothing at all. I’m very happy.”

She’ll seem underwhelmed, but rest assured that her insides have been ravished by your declaration. In the upcoming weeks, she’ll see you not just as a Frisbee and dinner buddy, but as a man who is capable of giving her the comfortable future that she deserves. More immediately, your declaration will set the stage for innocent cuddling.

Yawn, then say, “Oh, boy! Is it okay if I take a nap here? I had a lot to drink and I don’t want to drive drunk and kill someone in an awful car crash.” This won’t be a lie, because she’ll know that you had double what you normally drink. She’ll reluctantly allow you to stay, and this is where you hope and pray and wish that she lets you lay on her bed. If not, you’ll have to take her out to another dinner before trying again.

If she says her bed is big enough for you to crash there, keep things safe by hopping in with all your clothes on, including your socks. After about twenty minutes, give her a gentle poke in the arm to make sure she’s sleeping. Then, slowly and gently, wrap your arms around her and embrace her as she slumbers. Feel her wonderful warmth against your plaid shirt and skinny jeans.

Resist getting an erection, because she may wake up and call the national rape hotline. If she does wake up and angrily asks why you’re holding her (maybe reiterating that she only likes you as a friend), act surprised and say you must have had a pleasant dream. Now this is where your fanciful dinners come into play. If you went all out and spent those stacks of cash like I told you, she’ll feel indebted to letting you hold onto her like a child holding onto its mother. She may even respond by touching you back, which gives you a green light for the holiest of all cuddles: the spoon.

Unfortunately, spooning can be dangerous, because your crotch will be close to her vagina, so you must think about every game of the most recent World Series to prevent getting a massive boner. On the bright side, the spoon will water the seed of love. Don’t be alarmed if she completely dominates your every waking thought from that point forward.

You’ll probably notice a change in her demeanor the next morning. She’ll be more loving, offering to make you a meal of cereal, banana, and if you’re lucky, instant coffee. Assuming you didn’t get an inappropriate boner, the cuddle session will make her realize what a safe and trustworthy man you really are. She’ll then increase the level of detail about dates she goes on with jerks and how positively you compare to them. Some of her stories may make you uncomfortable, especially when those jerks “spend the night,” but don’t lose hope—every girl has to let a few dozen jerks spend the night before she finally realizes that you are the one. Keep hope alive!

As a man who has had sex with a lot of different women, let me be the first to say how underrated cuddling with zero chance of sex is, especially when love is involved. If your cuddle sessions begin to happen less frequently, just intensify your worry and wonder meditations. It’s bound to be because you’re doing something wrong, and it’s up to you to fix it.

Sex without love is like eating food when you’re not hungry—you simply can’t appreciate it on a profound level. That leads to a final strategy I want to share with you: fall fast and furious. The faster you love her, the more likely she’ll return that love half-fold at some indeterminable point in the distant future.

Sex And More

After your cuddle partner is done getting her vagina treated like a glory hole by other so-called “men,” and the first of many deep wrinkles begin to appear around her eyes, she’ll miraculously realize that you’re her true soul mate. You’ll know because she’ll finally give you a peck on the lips, which means it’s time for you to man up by suggesting a romantic getaway to a Caribbean island where you can then enjoy prolonged kisses.

You may be wondering how long it will take until she realizes that you’re better than the dozens of jerks she’s known. The best rule of thumb is when her skin starts to lose elasticity from the natural aging process. Wrinkles are definitely part of that, but I find a better indicator to be a loosening of the skin around her upper arms and thighs. When you start seeing blobs of tissue, get ready, because she’ll soon see you for who you really are and start stepping up her game to win your favor.

The younger and more attractive she is, the longer it will take for her to come around. If she’s already halfway degraded, it will of course take significantly less time. This is why it may be better for you to go for cuddle sessions with women who are already beginning to lose hope of ever settling down. Going from a 23-year-old hottie to a 33-year-old spinster is like going from competing in the Olympics to the Special Olympics. Here’s an illustration to give you a sense of the timeline I’m talking about:

Sex is a foregone conclusion if you pony up for the Caribbean vacation. There’s nothing more conducive to lovemaking than the romantic mood created by spending a lot of money, but to make sure you never offend her, wait until she explicitly asks you for sex. The worst thing you can do is pseudo-rape her by playing games like “just the tip” or feeding her multiple alcoholic beverages in the hope of getting her horny. Don’t place her hand on your penis, don’t touch her vagina, and definitely don’t squeeze her breasts. The line between consensual sex and rape is so fine that unless the girl initiates sex, you’re committing rape.

Studies by honest feminist organizations reveal that 40% of men in the United States have raped a girl (even if they didn’t realize it), but only 0.005% have ever been prosecuted. There’s a lot of raping going on out there, and it’s your duty not to contribute to that statistic. A good rule of thumb is the following: if you’re not sure if it’s rape or not, it’s rape. You should stop, drop, and rest, then allow her to initiate the Consensual Sex Transaction Operational Protocol (cSTOP), which you can obtain from the women’s studies department of any major university.

I find that the first time you have sex with a girl will coincide with a strong urge on your part to ask her hand in marriage. I mean, why wait? She’ll probably hint to it anyway by reading bridal magazines in your presence. That should be your clue to go to Tiffany’s and drop at least five months’ salary on buying something that will impress all her friends and make her feel like a real woman. Only propose if you’re sure she sees you as a man worthy of a lifetime of control and contempt or else she won’t accept. All that’s left is to enjoy your beautiful family.

In this guide I’ve walked you from points A to Z on how to maybe someday make love to a woman in a way that has real emotional meaning. I understand that it takes time to see results from this strategy, which is why I’m not expecting to see any success stories in my email inbox for at least two or three years. But when they finally arrive, I won’t be at all surprised if I’m invited to a few weddings. By then I’ll have released a sequel to help you navigate through the wonders of marriage, tentatively titled Mope & Masturbate.

Good luck, and god bless.

If you liked Compliment & Cuddle, you can order the paperback edition on Amazon.

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  • Adventure21c

    Alright, you win.

    come to think of it, ‘complement & cuddle’ isn’t all that bad of an idea.

    Now that I’m a man who can never love a woman again, with a deep-seated misogynistic streak, maybe, just maybe, this will fix me into a chump who thinks he loves a woman by putting her on pedestal.

    I’ve finally found my cure.

    Wouldn’t it be great to be able to love a woman again? There it is: Roosh V’s Complement and Cuddle.

    Learn to Un-game.

    Go from Alpha to Beta.

    Only one manual of its kind for complete de-gaming.

    It’ll rekindle your love for the one, and amp up your sexual frustration by orders of magnitude.

    Worth every penny.

    A divine advice from the alternate universe by a dude who looks like Jesus Christ.

    A quack remedy unlike any other kind.

    You don’t want to miss it.

    A must-read for all successful gamers.

    Learn to blunt your edge and be normal.

    You can be one of so many.

    Learn to lose even before you start.

    Women will reject you even before you open your mouth.

    Learn to be THE LOSER. Learn to be DOOMED FOR LIFE.

    etc…etc…etc…(this can go on and on and on and on.)

  • Anonymous

    Now this guy is the PIMP of all PIMPS.Watch his game +learn folks.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7C_5NB4bSU

  • http://thedcam.com thedcam

    I feel that even though these posts have been soaked deeply in sarcasm, Roosh’s nuts shriveled up a little bit more and more with each word he typed.

  • muthafucka

    the fact you spent all that time writing all this shit, makes you beta, it was enough with the first part, don’t you think?

  • Anonymous

    a good look at what you aren’t supposed to do

  • Steve

    So at what point is hoverhands OK and when it is just taking it too far?
    :whoa: :bow: :whip:

  • druthas

    #4: and you too for reading it all

  • muthafucka

    #7 I didn’t read it, just looked that it was a lot of shit and 5 parts

  • http://www.theunambitiousmale.com/ WorkshyJoe

    “Mope & Masturbate”?

    Shit, I could write that book based on my late teens to early twenties.

  • Whippy

    Thanks Roosh! I feel so…conscious…now…
    like my new friends…
    http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/conscious-men-apologize-to-women-for-many-years-of-bad-behaviour/article1973897/

    I’m going to put my slave collar on now, and beg my wife for forgiveness.

  • Lumıere

    I thınk that you are movıng too fast by goıng for the cuddle too soon

    I thınk women need to be warmed up over a longer perıod by the man audıtıonıng more and over a prolonged perıod of tıme

    Such dates ın my experıence should be arranged as follows :

    You : So lets go out tonıght

    Her : Where

    You : Were do you want to go?

    Her : I dont know. Where do you want to go?

    You : Thats not ımportant. Where do YOU want to go.

    Her : I dont know

    You : I dont know eıther I just want to take you wherever you want to go. Where do you want to go?

    Women love thıs shıt.

    Such ındecısıveness stırs theır maternal ınstıct and opens the floodgates to all kınds of cuddlıng once you have done thıs for at least a year or two.

    When you eventually do take her out to wherever she wants to go – castıng rose petals ın front of her every step of the way from the taxı (that you pay for obvıously) – the great thıng ıs that you can repeat the same trıck and be just as ındecısıve when ıt comes to the topıcs of conversatıon or what you should eat or drınk.

  • http://www.ifsmassive.blogspot.com flamethrower

    roosh, i don’t think your transformation is complete until you see this video

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_uRIMUBnvw

    i thought there would be a punchline, but there isn”t.

  • http://www.ifsmassive.blogspot.com flamethrower

    same video as #10

  • Castor Troy

    This was legitimately hilarious.

  • gringoed

    @Lumiere: lol!!!

  • p

    Brilliant.

  • Morpho

    haha! Roosh, you are one funny dude! Great series.

  • Ryan

    “When you start seeing blobs of tissue, get ready, because she’ll soon see you for who you really are and start stepping up her game to win your favor.”—This is exactly what happens….makes me sick

  • DoesNotMatter

    I think the compliment and cuddle is a more of a compass (pointing in exactly the wrong direction) on how to game than all your other game posts (which point in the right direction).
    Kinda like how people like the man who is always wrong and hate the guy who is always right. They are both compasses and equally useful. The guy who’s always right hurts your ego while the one who is always wrong makes you feel superior.

  • Anonymous

    Roosh how bad is Denmark really? it worse than DC? worse than all the countries in south america? even the poorer ones (bolivia)? i’m having a hard time believing it can be so bad. it can’t possibly be worse than the UK. no way.

  • http://singlewm.blogspot.com/ Chad Daring

    ” Feel her wonderful warmth against your plaid shirt and skinny jeans.”

    Haha bursting out laughing in a quiet Starbucks is bad juju but yeah I laughed, heartily.

    Also, whats with all the hate towards these posts? If you are like #4 you’re whats wrong with the world. Good satire is hard to find. Not everything funny is a dick joke, read a little, you might find that words are your friends.

  • Chris Beaver

    What do you mean by “tree feelings”

  • John Riditch

    My first sexual experience was with a guy when I was 14. I didn’t have sex with a girl until I was 21 (she was drunk at an office party.)Am I gay?

  • tjuan

    Thanks for the laughs this week, well done. The cellulite bit… so true.

  • Lumıere

    gringoed, that was a sneak peak of my own opus ‘How To Treat Her Lıke The Rose Petal That She Really Is’, the hardback addıtıon of whıch – ıf you buy two copıes – can double as effectıve knee protectors when you are followıng the grovellıng and beggıng excercıses contaıned wıthın.

  • VI

    My balls shriveled up and fell off, while I was reading this.

  • John Riditch

    I can’t get off unless I do anal w/a chick…

    My first sexual experience was with a guy when I was 14. I didn’t have sex with a girl until I was 21 (she was drunk at an office party.)Am I gay?

  • Anon

    “Yawn, then say, “Oh, boy! Is it okay if I take a nap here? I had a lot to drink and I don’t want to drive drunk and kill someone in an awful car crash.” This won’t be a lie, because she’ll know that you had double what you normally drink. She’ll reluctantly allow you to stay, and this is where you hope and pray and wish that she lets you lay on her bed.”

    LOL!

    I did this a couple of times in my younger days before I discovered the keys to the pussy universe.

  • Satire fail

    Another exhibition that roosh is in desperate need of an editor. This series is the literary equivalent of an amateur comedian horribly bombing at open mic that refuses to step down because he has the moral support of a few cock jocking buddies.

  • Zictor

    I agree. His pandering and exaggerations really annoy me sometimes.

  • DW

    Roosh,

    All the above is economically unsound. $750 whining and dining, Weekend Caribbean trip for two $1500 (without airfare)…

    That amount will purchase a couple of one hour threesomes with nice hookers. Then you have saved precious time of your life to enjoy your own endeavors.

  • Timothy

    @27 John Riditch…you’re like Edward Olmos’ character in “American Me.” After spending most of his life in prison, all he knew was either getting fucked in the ass or fucking someone else in the ass. When he got out and finally fucked a woman, the pussy didn’t feel right and he immediately flipped her over and tried to go up the ass again…

  • Anon

    This has been an absolutely fantastic series. I had no idea Roosh had such a good sense of humour, and above all I think it’s helped my game to see the opposite view fleshed out so well. I’ve sent this series to a number of beta friends.

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  • http://solvemygirlproblems.com Shark

    Shit I feel like an asshole now. Last girl I was with offered me a handjob and I said “No, I can do it better myself. If we don’t fuck right now, you’re never hearing from me again.”

  • Timothy

    @35 Shark…I feel exactly the same way about handjobs. Why would I want a woman to do something for me that I can do better? I need her to do something I CAN’T do for myself. If I’m not feeling the warm wetness of her mouth or pussy enveloping my dick, forget it! If I were 13, I wouldn’t say no, but once you’ve lost your virginity, handjobs are a waste of time.

  • Anonymous

    I love the meatheads on this board trying to get their heads around the fact that this is satire.

  • Anonymous

    when you put it like this…i bet the naysayers will find it tough to criticize

    bravo

  • DoesNotMatter

    It’s hilarious and depressing at the same time. It’s just that it is so easy to fall into the C&C or M&M mode. Damn! that was close.

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  • http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/ The Private Man

    Apparently, someone takes it seriously:

    http://www.theconsensualproject.com/

  • Timothy

    I know many of you consider yourselves to be players and masters of game. This young man knocks all of you out the box…listen, and be schooled…HA HA!

    http://youtu.be/qK5tE4gfWxY

  • mguy

    roosh,

    this is brilliant

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