PREVIOUSLY: PART 4
After five dinner outings and approximately $750 in expenses, it’s time to go for the glory: cuddling. You’ve finally arrived at modern seduction’s ultimate moment.
During your dinner dates, you will have treated her to the finest establishments in town, transporting her in your environmentally friendly automobile. When you drop her home on that fifth date, where you drank two glasses of her favorite French wine instead of the usual one, look her deep in the eyes, deeper than you ever thought was possible, and say, “May I come in, please?” Then immediately morph into your puppy dog face so she knows you’re harmless and not some serial rapist who puts in many months of work and investment to commit a horrendous crime, which according to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, affects 250,000 women every year. The sad thing is I’m pretty sure they’re underestimating those figures.
Constrain your delight when she says, “Yeah, I guess you can come in, but no funny business, okay?”
While in her apartment, take off your shoes and get comfortable on the couch. The moment is now ripe to divulge your tree feelings for her, which is the safest way to take the relationship to the next level. Otherwise, any move you make will have the potential for a razor sharp rejection.
Hold her hand and say, “You probably already know this, but I have deep feelings for you. You’re one of the most special girls I’ve met in my life and I just want you to know how I feel.” A typical response will be, “Okay, well, I just want to be friends.” She’ll have trouble maintaining eye contact, probably because she shares some of the same feelings but isn’t as assertive as you are about disclosing them. Then say, “That’s fine with me. Friendship alone with you is better than nothing at all. I’m very happy.”
She’ll seem underwhelmed, but rest assured that her insides have been ravished by your declaration. In the upcoming weeks, she’ll see you not just as a Frisbee and dinner buddy, but as a man who is capable of giving her the comfortable future that she deserves. More immediately, your declaration will set the stage for innocent cuddling.
Yawn, then say, “Oh, boy! Is it okay if I take a nap here? I had a lot to drink and I don’t want to drive drunk and kill someone in an awful car crash.” This won’t be a lie, because she’ll know that you had double what you normally drink. She’ll reluctantly allow you to stay, and this is where you hope and pray and wish that she lets you lay on her bed. If not, you’ll have to take her out to another dinner before trying again.
If she says her bed is big enough for you to crash there, keep things safe by hopping in with all your clothes on, including your socks. After about twenty minutes, give her a gentle poke in the arm to make sure she’s sleeping. Then, slowly and gently, wrap your arms around her and embrace her as she slumbers. Feel her wonderful warmth against your plaid shirt and skinny jeans.
Resist getting an erection, because she may wake up and call the national rape hotline. If she does wake up and angrily asks why you’re holding her (maybe reiterating that she only likes you as a friend), act surprised and say you must have had a pleasant dream. Now this is where your fanciful dinners come into play. If you went all out and spent those stacks of cash like I told you, she’ll feel indebted to letting you hold onto her like a child holding onto its mother. She may even respond by touching you back, which gives you a green light for the holiest of all cuddles: the spoon.
Unfortunately, spooning can be dangerous, because your crotch will be close to her vagina, so you must think about every game of the most recent World Series to prevent getting a massive boner. On the bright side, the spoon will water the seed of love. Don’t be alarmed if she completely dominates your every waking thought from that point forward.
You’ll probably notice a change in her demeanor the next morning. She’ll be more loving, offering to make you a meal of cereal, banana, and if you’re lucky, instant coffee. Assuming you didn’t get an inappropriate boner, the cuddle session will make her realize what a safe and trustworthy man you really are. She’ll then increase the level of detail about dates she goes on with jerks and how positively you compare to them. Some of her stories may make you uncomfortable, especially when those jerks “spend the night,” but don’t lose hope—every girl has to let a few dozen jerks spend the night before she finally realizes that you are the one. Keep hope alive!
As a man who has had sex with a lot of different women, let me be the first to say how underrated cuddling with zero chance of sex is, especially when love is involved. If your cuddle sessions begin to happen less frequently, just intensify your worry and wonder meditations. It’s bound to be because you’re doing something wrong, and it’s up to you to fix it.
Sex without love is like eating food when you’re not hungry—you simply can’t appreciate it on a profound level. That leads to a final strategy I want to share with you: fall fast and furious. The faster you love her, the more likely she’ll return that love half-fold at some indeterminable point in the distant future.
Sex And More
After your cuddle partner is done getting her vagina treated like a glory hole by other so-called “men,” and the first of many deep wrinkles begin to appear around her eyes, she’ll miraculously realize that you’re her true soul mate. You’ll know because she’ll finally give you a peck on the lips, which means it’s time for you to man up by suggesting a romantic getaway to a Caribbean island where you can then enjoy prolonged kisses.
You may be wondering how long it will take until she realizes that you’re better than the dozens of jerks she’s known. The best rule of thumb is when her skin starts to lose elasticity from the natural aging process. Wrinkles are definitely part of that, but I find a better indicator to be a loosening of the skin around her upper arms and thighs. When you start seeing blobs of tissue, get ready, because she’ll soon see you for who you really are and start stepping up her game to win your favor.
The younger and more attractive she is, the longer it will take for her to come around. If she’s already halfway degraded, it will of course take significantly less time. This is why it may be better for you to go for cuddle sessions with women who are already beginning to lose hope of ever settling down. Going from a 23-year-old hottie to a 33-year-old spinster is like going from competing in the Olympics to the Special Olympics. Here’s an illustration to give you a sense of the timeline I’m talking about:
Sex is a foregone conclusion if you pony up for the Caribbean vacation. There’s nothing more conducive to lovemaking than the romantic mood created by spending a lot of money, but to make sure you never offend her, wait until she explicitly asks you for sex. The worst thing you can do is pseudo-rape her by playing games like “just the tip” or feeding her multiple alcoholic beverages in the hope of getting her horny. Don’t place her hand on your penis, don’t touch her vagina, and definitely don’t squeeze her breasts. The line between consensual sex and rape is so fine that unless the girl initiates sex, you’re committing rape.
Studies by honest feminist organizations reveal that 40% of men in the United States have raped a girl (even if they didn’t realize it), but only 0.005% have ever been prosecuted. There’s a lot of raping going on out there, and it’s your duty not to contribute to that statistic. A good rule of thumb is the following: if you’re not sure if it’s rape or not, it’s rape. You should stop, drop, and rest, then allow her to initiate the Consensual Sex Transaction Operational Protocol (cSTOP), which you can obtain from the women’s studies department of any major university.
I find that the first time you have sex with a girl will coincide with a strong urge on your part to ask her hand in marriage. I mean, why wait? She’ll probably hint to it anyway by reading bridal magazines in your presence. That should be your clue to go to Tiffany’s and drop at least five months’ salary on buying something that will impress all her friends and make her feel like a real woman. Only propose if you’re sure she sees you as a man worthy of a lifetime of control and contempt or else she won’t accept. All that’s left is to enjoy your beautiful family.
In this guide I’ve walked you from points A to Z on how to maybe someday make love to a woman in a way that has real emotional meaning. I understand that it takes time to see results from this strategy, which is why I’m not expecting to see any success stories in my email inbox for at least two or three years. But when they finally arrive, I won’t be at all surprised if I’m invited to a few weddings. By then I’ll have released a sequel to help you navigate through the wonders of marriage, tentatively titled Mope & Masturbate.
Good luck, and god bless.
If you liked Compliment & Cuddle, you can order the paperback edition on Amazon.