Craigslist Slut

A reader requested I write about this Craigslist posting, about a woman who dated 34 men she met off Craigslist in one year.

The posting is written in a universal font size, but when I came across “I’m young, very thick, cute, tall, and blonde,” my brain read it like this:

I’m young, very thick, cute, tall, and blonde.

Her profile sounds reasonable. If it wasn’t for the very thick part I can imagine myself hanging out with her and her progressive personality, if of course what she said reflected reality. By now I’ve learned that girls describe themselves with how they wish they were, not how they are. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was more annoying than that random dog that pissed on my leg last year.

I am promiscuous. (Wikipedia has a great definition of the word if you’re interested). I like sex. A lot. Actually, I love sex. I haven’t been in a real relationship in a very long time, and I miss regular sex (among other things). I’m multi-orgasmic, and while I’m not going to get too into it, I’m wierd when I’m not getting a sufficient dose of coitus. Now granted, while I am on the ADVENTUROUS side, I am no slut. I think the right guy is out there for me somewhere, but I don’t know where the hell he is, or why I haven’t found him yet.

Nothing wrong with being horny and fucking a lot of guys. As long as a girl doesn’t infect me with her tropical strain of the clap, I don’t care too much about how many dicks she has had inside her. Okay, maybe I do care, but the fact that I will never ask her about her sexual history means the issue probably won’t come up, unless she can’t help but tell me about the gangbang she was involved with in college where she was the only female (true story).

I’ve gotten over 3500 responses in the past 6 months

I believe it. Trying to get laid on the internet makes you an excellent copy/paste monkey and really takes “playing the percentages” to a level the idea of courtship has never seen in the history of man. No matter how monstrous the girl is, the internet is an attention generating machine that makes her think her value is higher than a girl who weighs under 200 pounds.

Even though our BBW is “not shallow or close-minded,” she proceeds to destroy most of the shlubs who dated her.

Little did I know that you would turn out to weigh about 100 LBS and look like a cancer patient

Seriously. You sent me pics, and I saw Calvin Klein Ads. You brought yourself, and I saw Kramer from Seinfeld. What the FUCK??

The minute you put the condom and slid inside me once, you came. PEACE OUT!

MY GOD YOU WERE THE FREAKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

Seriously, I know I give good head, but leave a girl alone man, it’s creepy.

CLEAN YOURSELF UP BEFORE YOU TAKE A GIRL OUT, DEUCHBAG.

You had white fizz at the corners of your mouth, and made me want to vomit.

YOU WERE THE WORST I’VE EVER HAD. Poor guy, you don’t watch enough porn.

You kinda had this strange constipated look on your face all the time.

…little did I know you would turn into a depressed, ADD, and OCD FREAK. When I touched your dick, you came in my hand.

I wanted to laugh just listening to you and your ridiculous little gay laugh

…and so on. We are now living in a society where a very thick girl can judge other men who, unlike her, have the willpower to stop shoveling double-meat cheesesteaks in their mouth.

She did have nice things to say about me though. I make an appearance at number 18 under my fake name Pat. Yeah I fucked a fatty off Craigslist. So what, who are you to judge? I was going through a cold streak and needed to build some momentum to resume fucking the supermodels that I usually get with.

18) PAT ROOSH : Wow you had a big dick. You were the greatest fuck buddy ever, because we weren’t attached, and didn’t know much about each other either. You sure did show me a good time more than once!! You were pretty cocky though, I mean.. you were hot, and you knew it. But come on, you still weren’t no Don Juan. You went and found yourself a girlfriend :(

Emphasis mine. The girlfriend excuse was a line, of course.

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