People always look for causes. They want the world to be explained with outcomes that are easy to duplicate. It’s not enough to know what happened but also why it happened. For example, when you see a handsome man talking to a pretty girl, your brain wants to immediately conclude that his success is based on his looks, not his personality or any other factor that you can’t easily see.
All the things I have explained in the past that make a man attractive is an educated guess based on experience. If being alpha and cocky gets me laid more than not being alpha and cocky, I will conclude that those two reasons must contribute to success. If one night wearing a sexy v-neck shirt caused more girls to approach me, I want to believe that the v-neck caused that. If growing out my beard in a country led to decreased success, I want to believe that girls there don’t like beards.
I may very well be right on all those fronts, but I cannot provide scientific proof that the causation is fact. I have not done a double-blind study because it would be impossible to do so (any psychological study would merely provide a possible correlation).
The question that comes up is this: is it possible that some behaviors are not the direct cause for the result? Is it possible that the v-neck was not the main reason for girls approaching me? What else could be going on?
Because I’ve had success with a large combination of looks, game styles, professions, income level, and living situations, I have to look at the one of two things that is always present when I’m getting laid: effort or confidence. Right now I want to focus on confidence.
I believe how you feel about yourself is a strong determinant to how you’ll do with women. Followed after that is your game, frequency of approaches, venue selection, overall look, and so on. All factors contribute to the whole, but having a confident core will predict your success more than whether you spit indirect game versus direct game, whether your hair is long or short, or whether your style is hipster or James Bond.
If having muscles makes you feel more confident, you’ll act more confident and be more successful. The confidence that comes from having muscles is more attractive to women than muscles themselves.
If wearing a suit makes you feel more confident, you’ll act more confident and be more successful. The confidence that comes from wearing a suit is more attractive to women than wearing a suit.
If being the only foreigner in a city makes you feel more confident, you’ll act more confident and be more successful. The confidence that comes from being the only foreigner in a city is more attractive to women than simply being the only foreigner in the city.
If having a big zit on your nose makes you feel less confident, you’ll act less confident and be less successful. The confidence drop that comes from having a big zit is less attractive to women than the zit itself.
Game gives you confidence because it forces you to take on a lot of experience that makes you both able and comfortable when interacting with women. Approaching gives you a base of confidence that can be built upon. Once a man’s confidence level is high and stable, he can begin to pick up with anything. This is when game starts to lose meaning to him. He can go up to a girl reading the phone book and she’ll laugh and be intrigued. He can open with “Hey how are you?” and a girl will respond with a question of her own.
A man’s game and look will always matter, but it begins to matter less. I can go out looking like a werewolf but as long as I feel confident doing it, I will get laid. There is a point where you transcend all the little things, but to get there you have to build a strong foundation.
When I go out wearing a suit, and I’m the most sharply dressed man in the venue, I feel more confident and get more attention. Your gut instinct is to say the suit alone causes the increase in attention or success, but is that not just the easy guess? It discounts other causes that we can’t see or measure. I believe it’s the increased confidence—and not the suit—that results in the bulk of the increased attention.
Now what if I were to tell you that I get laid just as much when I wear a ten dollar white v-neck with yellow armpit stains? I get less attention, but I bang just as much, if not more. I feel a tad less confident in the pit stain shirt than the suit, but I unconsciously increase the effort portion on the confidence-effort scale. When you’re lacking in one, you can compensate with the other. If you’re not a confident man, your success can come purely from raw effort and perseverance.
When a man talks to a woman, there are things being communicated that we are not consciously aware of, just like how other wavelengths of light exist beyond what the human eye can see. We want to believe that concrete things like appearance, cocky lines, and wealth result in sex, but I believe they are just the visible frosting, that other things are being transmitted and received. I don’t know exactly what those things are, but it seems that being as confident as you can will properly transmit the right messages.
Before you go out to talk to girls, you must ask yourself what is it you can do to make yourself feel as confident as possible. If it’s wearing a suit every night, then so be it. Otherwise, just work your ass off.Tweet Follow @rooshv
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I will not go to bars and nightclubs unless i’m feeling good that day. If I have not been to the gym in a few days, then I feel bad and will not go anywhere, I’d rather shy away at home
Social competence breeds confidence. You can be confident all you like, but if you’re not socially competent, nobody’s gonna wanna hang out with you. Being friends with bitches isn’t all that different from being friends with men, except with bitches you HAVE to be the leader and wear the pants, whereas with men you can be a follower and chill in the background.
This is one of those stupid chicken-and-the-egg things that is so frustrating. Confidence comes from success, and success comes from confidence. Confidence comes from good experiences, but you can’t manufacture these for yourself, particularly as a child.
Judging by this post it appears that Roosh has just turned into Tyler from RSD. I mean that in a good way.
The relative importance of confidence is one of the topics that can cause contention among game bloggers. I think your take on it is pretty accurate, though any man will need a certain amount of confidence to get to the point where he can put a lot of effort into his approaches without getting too discouraged to carry on.
So I suppose a basic level of confidence is required, but not necessarily enough.
Other things like posture, grooming, a semi-decent appearance and so on may also play a part. Get as many arrows as you can into your quiver, and let your confidence be the bow itself. Oh man, I never knew I was a poet.
I definitely agree with this. I think the biggest problem i’ve experienced is that people generally base their self-worth on what society expects of them.
So if Society has lead men to believe that having a well paid job, a flashy car and a tailor made suit is what defines his value. Then a man who don’t have those qualities will automatically think of himself as unworthy, causing him to forever chase those ideals thus lacking in self-confidence.
The same is true for Women. They’re forever chasing this ideal image of beauty when it simply doesn’t exist.
I would argue, it’s all to do with money and false advertising.
I think the key to becoming confident, isn’t really becoming great at something, but in simply understanding and embracing who you are, both good and bad.
That’s why most guys who truly become confident start to value game less because they understand that there’s no need for it.
Game is just a training wheel. Once you become comfortable with yourself, you then realize that who you were to begin with was enough to get all the dates and sex you could ever want with women :)
In other words, it goes full circle.
Confidence = success
great post roosh.confidence is vitally important with having success with women
I agree that confidence matters. But being better dressed also matters, IMO. Sometimes I dress for the gym like a Times Square tourist. I get almost no unsolicited interest from women, even though I’m very good looking. When I suit up, which is almost always, women routinely approach me and/or give me unsolicited IOIs (smiles, eyefucking, etc.). My confidence can’t be the explanation for the differential reactions, because I walk, stand and talk like a boss no matter how I’m dressed.
And thus the need to go out and get experience. Confidence comes from competence for sure, but to really feel that confidence, you need the results to back it up.
I also notice how much better my results are when I am really happy. Often times I am too mellow or just not radiating a positive vibe, and the results are noticeable. I find that making sure I am in a good place, mood before I go out aids my confidence more than anything.
Way to break it down to the bone gristle.
It all comes down to confidence.
This whole Custom Suit thing seems to be taking the Internet by storm lately.
I wonder where this is all coming from?
Roosh is right. Confidence makes a huge factor in a person’s success and makes a person realize how unimportant having a nice car, a big house, status or a good job is.
The reason so many people are lead to believe this is due to the media’s negative influence as to what it thinks makes a Man successful.
Because of this, men are basing that criteria on their worthiness and spend all their lives chasing an illusion that doesn’t exist.
This also relates to women chasing a completely fabricated and false idea of beauty that is unattainable.
The truth is. Who you are is enough. That’s why so many guys end up stopping game, realizing that being themselves is enough to get all the female attention and sex you can ever want.
In other words, you go full circle.
The reason why the idea of being yourself wasn’t acceptable in the beginning was because you lacked confidence in being yourself…
Game is just a training wheel to give you the confidence. Once you have it, you no longer need it.
Confidence was, and still is, my main problem. GIrls are like dogs: they sense our insecurity. Need to work on that inner game.
I guess you mean double BIND, not double blind….
^ didn’t go to college
“If having a big zit on your nose makes you feel more confident, you’ll act more confident and be more successful. The confidence that comes from having a big zit is more attractive to women than the zit itself.”
There. Fixed that for you.
…wait a minute, why doesn’t that make any sense? And why did you write that statement in the negative rather than the positive? Because you know that anyone that walks into a club with a big zit on his nose is getting zero action.
Confidence is earned through external validation of tangible qualities or achievements. Women say all the time they’re attracted to confident guys. Yet I don’t see them chasing after guys who are forty pounds overweight have a receeding hairline, and have been unemployed for six months–but feel really, really good about themselves.
Women are attracted to status, whether it comes from qualities like wealth, professional occupation and looks, or from psychological dominance (game). Confidence is merely the recognition of the markers society grants someone who posseses those qualities.
and that’s where u are wrong. while you are correct that 9s and 10s wont be chasing after a short bald unemployed man, that short bald and unemployed man will bed more and hotter chicks than his usual if his confidence is palpable and intact. so either way, confidence wins the day.
Success is 100% dependent on Confidence…
A suit makes you stand up straighter and command respect
Approaches give you confidence to approach anytime anywhere
Beta males attract beta females because they are both safe and non-threatening i.e. status quo
If you’re going after 8+ (real 8+’s), you need more than just confidence.
well if this was the case then women would be attracted to narcissistic sociopath’s who display high levels of confidence not earned through competence or effort. It is just the same that they always reject nice guys™ because they are really awful™ and not cause they are lacking in confidence.
You need to read the feminist critique Rooshiepoops. You are sooo awful™, I’m gonna have to get Pandagon XXXpress and the Tiger Woods Beatdown crue your URL so you can be schooled…
This is a bit nerdy, but in an RPG book I read, a specialization of the Con skill is Seduction. What your basically saying is seduction is ultimately a confidence trick. Maybe we should study the way of con men better.
When it comes to sex. The single biggest factor is our animal instincts. They override everything else. The more male we feel the more a woman will respond to us on a sexual level. She will have no choice. Confidence is part of this. When we get to a point that we no longer question who and what we are and what our role and purpose is game no longer matters that much. We are no longer “playing” a game we become it.
In your particular case. After all of these years of practice. It wouldn’t matter that much what you wear or how you look. You have internalized all the really information stuff. Looks and other stuff only matters when you don’t have your internal shit together: when you are weak internally. When you are operating from a weak frame of reference.
The confidence can be real or not, and I bet a big part of being a con man is feeling the part. Also a big part is knowing where to fish too. Some places have better and more fish.
I have been very fortunate to have lived in all the different social status level. I have had nothing to everything: very well off, all the toys. And I can honestly say I got more women when I was poor and had nothing than now that I have a lot of money. Sure with money you can get some hot gold diggers, social climbers, and a status seeking wife. It is funny, after all the years I have worked to get where I am. I am not working just as hard to get back to who I was before all of this shit. I liked the man I was better when I didn’t have that much than the one I have become by listening to this fucked up society.
this topic reminds me of endless fights what human beings should eat: meat or no meat, eggs or nuts, seaweeds or vegetables? fruits, berries or maybe grains? the truth is: humans can eat many many different things, depending on their race, age, geographic location and plethora of other factors.
Same with success with girls. Many things are important in COMBINATION. And each girl will respond differently to each particular trait.
One thing is common however: the better you feel with yourself and about yourself, the more people will cling into you. Its universal… If you vibrate love, joy, coolness and optimism – you’ll get it back.
Regrettably not true and yeah, you sound a lot like tyler from RSD now.
A girl’s sexual interest in you doesn’t only come from confidence and therefore confidence is the only sexual attractor.
It’s better to rely on raw perseverance than confidence. Confidence can stem from raw perseverance but not vise versa.
Whether sick, miserable, or tired, you know you can still approach women under any circumstance.
What came first, chicken or the egg?
Condifence breeds activity
Activity breeds success
Success breeds confidence
This is PUA BS. Confidence doesn’t mean shit when you don’t have the good looks and money to go along with it.
When it comes to meeting women, looks are almost everything. The rest of it is how much money is in your bank account.
Money is absolutely not needed when it come to banging chicks.
A buddy of mine lives in a Studio Apartment in North Hollywood, CA with no car and consistently tags and bags 8+’s hell I don’t even know how we does it. Well I kinda do he consistently approaches at least 20 chicks per day once they’re hooked they’re hooked.
When it comes to women Ambition trumps Money almost every time aside from Professional Gold Diggers that you wouldn’t want to deal with anyway.
Great post and great commentary as well, especially by Onder.
When I first started learning pickup, I thought it was all about the lines, the things you say to move the interaction forward. I was frustrated that there wasn’t much help from PUAs to tell me EXACTLY what lines to use to get chicks. Now I understand why.
Onder is right, as soon as you fully accept yourself, and radiate that devil-may-care confidence, the world opens up to you.
If you think about it, no one is really that great objectively. You can find flaws in even the most perfect seeming dudes. Pierce Brosnan probably has awful breath or a horribly beta laugh or something like that. Brad Pitt might have nothing interesting to say when the cameras are off, and be a terrible bore. I look like a tall, successful, good looking guy to some people but to others I look like a low-rent douchebag. It’s all subjective, and so women rely on confidence because it shows how you have evaluated yourself, and that is not something that’s subjected to the shifting winds.
Confidence is the hardest thing in the world to convincingly fake for very long, and I believe this is why women have evolved to hold it up as the number one fitness screener.
It makes sense from a survival standpoint too. If you were a woman dropped off with a dude on a desert island to survive for a year would you rather have the guy that looks like Ryan Seacrest and has millions of dollars, or the plumber that is super confident, ugly, and manly.
You can fake being rich by wearing a nice suit. You can have a Ferrari that your Daddy bought you. You can have a lot of money and still be a beta wimp in the bedroom. You can be a CEO and still get laughed out of any sports bar full of regular guys.
Confidence, and it’s cousin social savvy, trumps all. It goes to the bone.
That said, I believe a man should also pay attention to the outer trappings if he wants to maximize success. I’d rather roll up to the club in my Bimmer in a custom suit, than hopping off the bus in blue jeans, all else being equal.
But as Roosh proves with his $200 off the rack suit, it’s more about how it makes YOU feel. Women say that too – they wear expensive clothes and buy $1k handbags for ‘their confidence’ rather than to attract men.
BOTTOM LINE: Success comes when you start TRYING to score with women.
I remember this phenomenon from 15 years ago when guys would try out Ross Jeffries products and post about it on the internet.
They would gush about how Speed Seduction is amazing and the perfect way to meet women. But upon further questioning, it turned out that this was the very first time in their lives that they had made a concerted effort to actually go out and actively approach and chase women.
So it wasn’t the system that worked (or didn’t work), it was the fact that the guy was approaching girls now, whereas before he had relied on luck (and rarely got laid).
Fast forward all these years, and even though the seduction industry and community has changed quite a bit, this basic truth remains. If you make the effort, you will have success. The only difference is one of degree.
I don’t see this as chicken or egg. Your initial confidence, when you’re making those first approaches and building up experience, MUST be self-generated. You have to develop that thick skin, that bullet-proof persona. The confidence you gain from success is a different kind of swagger, but initially you need a certain force of will to get to the point where you start experiencing success. You need to be like that elite relief pitcher. He gives up a game winning homerun tonight, but he has to forget about it because he’ll be right back out there in the same situation the next. He can’t dwell on last night’s failure. That guy is confident because he’s had success, but if he’s mentally shaky that one failure could hurt his confidence. He has to be the kind of guy that forgets about the failure as if it didn’t happen.
Heh. Just watched that episode of Seinfeld when George gets the wig and is brimming with confidence. Picks up that girl at the diner.
“Once a man’s confidence level is high and stable, he can begin to pick up with anything. This is when game starts to lose meaning to him.”
Right on. Confidence is everything.
LOL @ the retards who still insist that all you need is confidence to get laid.
Listen… Confidence doesn’t mean fuck all if your face doesn’t look any good. Women don’t care about bodies or swagger as long as you’re not fat.
The next person who says anything else is a fucking retard. Anyone with half a brain can see that looks get you sex and money gets you relationships.
haha roosh.. your a pussy who cant handle the truth!!!
I don’t believe it states anywhere in this post that ONLY confidence matters, and nothing else. It goes without saying that most human beings are attracted to what they find pleasing to the eye. However, even for the most handsome man, he won’t fuck consistently if he doesn’t have the confidence to approach, and present a strong frame during said approach. Women generally don’t initiate with even handsome men. It takes more than JUST looks and the trappings of wealth.
@39 That’s where you’re wrong fuckface. Handsome men don’t have to approach because they’re already good-looking; they dont need confidence because its women who come to them and not the other way around. That you can’t even see that only shows how much of an ugly fat fuck you are.
Anyway, you’re a fucking low-IQ retard if you think there is such a thing as a hot male model who can’t get laid because of he lacks confidence. If you ask me, its about 80% looks and 20% money.
If you have model looks or money or fame/status or all of those, women approach you with interest and your only job is to filter them out for their qualities you need. Having personality and character is not required for men since most women do not possess these qualities and are not capable of evaluating men. If you don’t have any of those aforementioned, you will have learn some PUA routines, travel 10 000 km to have a one night stand with a 6 with reeking breath and delude your self that women in some poor country are different and like you for who you really are; alternatively you can stay home, find a 6 and become her tool. Life’s unfair :[
@LTU-”If you have model looks or money or fame/status or all of those, women approach you with interest…” Oh, gosh, another AFC.
Dude, you are talking gold-diggers here, and women of more substance are looking for a man based on his qualities, rather than looks or money. Because man`s qualities mean SURVIVAL. Looks mean REPLICATION-true-but they will only be attracted short-term for a one night stand only, provided they are drunk and logistically you are lucky that particular night. Money and status can be lost, man`s qualities are of more security to a woman.
But the thing is young women did not learn to filter out those qualities and chose men mostly on looks. So women after 23, sophisticated, family-oriented, devoted, loving, caring are the ones most men want. If you are different-keep thinking your pathetic AFC way.
@42 Spoken like a man who has no experience with women.
You’re an idiot if you think being nice, loving, caring etc. will get you laid. Women don’t care about personality or your sense of humour or how many books you read a year or any of that other useless bullshit; they just care about whether you’re handsome and have lots of money to spend. And yes, these can be lost, which is why women can trade up for a new model every year. Ever heard of divorce?
Just to educate you, there are far fewer available women than men. This is because of male sex drive, meaning large numbers of men competing for the attentions of smaller numbers of often really fat and ugly females. This is why even 500 lb fat bitches and other assorted fuglies on POF and OKCupid can have ridiculously high standards.
[...] Frasier – “Craigslist Threesomes (with Lesbians)”Roosh – “Does Success Mostly Stem from Confidence?“, “The Evolution of Hate”Wald – “A Manifesto”Sober Down Under [...]
De colombia para el mundo!!!.. Señor Roosh V. Y eres colega mio.. que mas desea….
Muy buenas sus experiencias… espero conseguir su libro en donde se consigue.?
Confidence is non other than “the certainty of one’s own value relative to how much of it you give to other people”. Anyone who says “I don’t care what other people think about me” is either delusional or plain stupid. Off course you give a crap about what people think of you, in fact, not giving a crap would be VERY detrimental. You just need to learn who’s opinion actually matters to you, but, if everyone hates you, then don’t expect to be successful on anything, instead try to change your ways. You won’t get shit if the only person who believes you’re great is you alone. But, in order to gain people’s admiration, approval and love, you have to INITIALLY admire, approve and love your own self, as corny and stupid it sounds. Combative and Competitive assholes think that putting down people or just always trying to best them or 1-up them is the way to be seen as more valuable. Naturally, these very same assholes are resentful and resented by others. Only Cooperative people, those who actually realize they are awesome, and who give value to everyone, that is, making everyone around them feel VALUABLE, are those who everyone else loves to be around with. Great post BTW Roosh, loved particularly the Confidence/Effort axis
I remember 3 years ago I went from 218 pounds (at 5’7″ in height) to 155, I got rid of my xlarge old navy t-shirts, 34 inch jeans and stupid shoes and got a whole new wardrobe of nice slim fitting button downs, new jeans at 30 inch waist and some dress clothes. I felt so much better about everything yet this didn’t translate into success with women. Women were as indifferent to me as they always had been. It was disheartening and after a year I decided I was happier eating my emotions and I shot right back to 220. I say all that to say this: Confidence isn’t enough by itself.