I have noticed that any attempt on my part to gently limit someone’s overeating is met with swift resistance from women. They say, “Don’t talk about food—you’ll give him/her an eating disorder!” This is a tactic that attempts to silence all discussion on eating habits or food quality in front of fat people, as if they’re helpless victims born with a genetic disease. It also implies that having an eating disorder is the worst thing in the world. I believe the opposite. The reality of today’s obesity-industrial complex is that fat women need an eating disorder to lose weight and regain the resemblance they once had to the human form.

I like to think of myself as pragmatic, always aiming for the least amount of harm for all parties involved. Therefore I have concluded that having an eating disorder would be more beneficial to a girl’s health and society as a whole than weighing over 135 pounds. For the past year I have secretly been teaching women private workshops where I give them an eating disorder in order to keep the pounds off. The workshop has finally been optimized to the point where I can now accept public enrollment.

Here is the workshop itinerary:

No Judging Weigh-In: Each girl gets a name tag with her weight on the label instead of her actual name. She’ll then be referred to as that number for the duration of the workshop. For example: “What city are you from, 313? Do you like living there, 313?” The dehumanization process is essential to installing a new belief system.

Friendly Meet & Greet: I encourage each girl to walk me through a normal day in her eating so I can calculate her caloric intake (I will double the food quantity she tells me to arrive at the actual figure). After each response I continue the shaming process by saying, “Holy shit, that is a lot of food! Wow, really… wow.”

Rainbow Vomit Session: Vomiting is the most reliable tool in the weight loss toolbox. In this session I present a huge Chipotle chicken burrito with all the toppings (including the guacamole, which costs extra). I tell her the burrito is a reward for having the initiative to take the workshop. After she inhales it and gives off that satisfying post-burrito burp with vague onion aroma, I say, “You fat hog that was a test, and you failed! Now you’re going to vomit all that shit up because you shouldn’t have eaten that garbage food!” I present her with a bucket and train her how to jam her longest finger all the way her throat and keep going until portions of her previous meal make its appearance.

Food Enjoyment Challenge: I take her to another room where there will be a smorgasbord laid out on a table, with food from each fat group, including, but not limited to, the fried group, the butter group, the cheese group, and the cupcake group. I then lead each girl—with Chipotle vomit still on her chin—directly to the feast and tell her to pick out and eat any one item. She’ll be scared but I will pat her on the back and insist everything is okay, that the smorgasbord is a way to ease her nerves after the intense vomit training.

Once she’s about to put the food in her mouth, I viciously slap her hand and knock the food away. I then repeat the process 1,000 times or until her hand needs to be bandaged, whichever comes first. For the intellectuals out there, this is basic Skinner programming, which has long since been proven effective. I am doing something that her parents should’ve done instead of fattening her up like a cow approaching slaughter.

Tasty Eating Session: Inside the next room is a bowl of brown rice with carrots and broccoli. I instruct her that she must eat only three bowls of day of such food along with a multivitamin. I regale her with heroic stories of people surviving prison camps on meager rations, like how those in the Gulag got along just fine on black bread and gruel.

Sexy Mirror Endurance Challenge: I lead the girl to Room 101, where I rip off all her clothing except for her bra and grannie panties. I place her in front of the mirror and yell out the following insults:

• “Look at these huge rolls all over your body! You don’t even look human!”
• “There are kids starving in Africa and you can’t stop stuffing your fat face!”
• “Stop it! Just stop eating! Jesus fuck!”
• “Just look at what you’ve become! You belong in a fucking zoo, not human society!”
• “You’re so fat you look like a real-life Botero painting!”

I continue the barrage until she breaks down and cries. I’m talking about the blubbering cry where she can hardly breathe and tears are coming out of her eyes, nose, mouth, and anus.

Happy Goodbye Session: By now all the women should be terribly frightful of food (my follow-up reporting shows they don’t eat anything for three days after the workshop, giving them a solid start to sustained weight loss). I go around the room and tell each girl how truly disappointed I am with her appearance and how in one year time if she doesn’t lose weight then she deserves to get a bad case of the gout. Luckily for her, no other diet sees such a high success rate, not even the cookie dough diet.

When I see them again in a year, with their trim bodies, pale skin, and hollowed eyes (from malnutrition perhaps), I offer my congratulations and take advantage of their fragile state by seducing them to bed. It’s no surprise that former fatties make the best girlfriends because they’re in a constant state of fear that you’re going to leave them for someone even skinnier. Even though they have normal weight at this point, I still tell them they’re disgustingly obese to keep them so mentally weak that they can’t resist my demands for ass to mouth and getting banged by carnival midgets while I watch from the closet with a box of tissues.

The workshop costs only $25. I’m shouldering most of the expense because I want to genuinely help fat women. If you’re a fatty who’s interested in taking the workshop, please email me at roosh (at) rooshv.com. Paypal and credit card is accepted.