Ego sex is having sex primarily to satisfy your ego, not to fulfill a biological or horny urge. It’s when you have sex to brag to others, to feel like you’re a somebody, or to see yourself as superior to other men. It’s what I had been doing for the past several years.
Think about the last girl you had sex with. If after the deed, you had not been allowed to count the notch, obtain a picture of her, tell a friend, blog about it, tweet about it, or add an entry in your sex spreadsheet, would you still have had sex with her? If you answered no, you’re having sex simply to alleviate your insecurities or perceived inferiority, not because that particular instance of sex was demanded by your body or nature. The pleasure of your conquest went mostly to your ego, a part of you which can never be satisfied. It’s a diabetic whose thirst can only be temporarily quenched. As the disease progresses with time, it demands more but is quenched less. The inevitable burnout will leave you confused, wanting, and depressed, stuck in existential malaise.
I got into the game simply to put my penis into vaginas, not to collect notches or flags. I originally fantasized not about doggy style but cuddling. I hit gold with the second girl I slept with. She was fun, pretty, and gave me immense pleasure in bed. I wanted to be her boyfriend, but my game wasn’t yet sociopathic and borderline abusive, which girls from America love most. I developed feelings for her, saying and doing things that were too nice. She dumped me.
I soon noticed that a girl didn’t develop strong feelings for me simply by sleeping with me. I didn’t understand this because I couldn’t help but develop some feelings for them. The answer to sexual success was to care less than them, but it was difficult to just turn off my feelings like a switch. At the same time, I noticed I got an easy high not from sex, but new sex. Working on a relationship didn’t give me the same dopamine rush as banging a new girl, even if her quality was average. As I surrounded myself with men who also liked the game and having sex with as many women as possible, I started to get more pleasure from sharing stories of conquest than trying to develop relationships.
The game became an end instead of a means, and since girls of my country were doing the same thing to a degree (hooking up for pleasure), wasn’t my behavior closer to normalcy than not? Wasn’t casual sex being featured on popular movies and television shows? At the same time, I was writing about my knowledge on how to get laid, gaining me respect from other men around the world, feeding my ego with blog hits, comments, and later, book sales. As much as my ego was being filled, it would get furious when I wanted to take breaks from the game, even short ones. It made me feel that I was a loser for not always banging new tail, that I was regressing back into being a nobody. I stayed in the game, near continuously, for over ten years.
In spite of all that I’ve given my ego, including minor world fame, it wanted more. It wanted me to keep banging, keep collecting notches, and keep pushing the envelope to land more media mentions. This is because the ego can not be ever satisfied. It will be the first to tell you that your most recent accomplishment wasn’t quite good enough so you push more and make sure it is stroked again. Not even one day after the best sex in your life, it will tell you to go to the club and put in more approaches. Your ego will take over if you let it, controlling you like a master controls a slave, using your body as a means to lift it to lofty heights where the view may be nice but the air is thin.
You meet a girl and add her to Facebook. You download the cutest picture of her from several years back. She’s not your type, but you pursue her, get her in bed, and then email your friends the photo.
You read a forum and notice a couple of guys are racking up a lot of notches, more than you. You decide to push extra hard so that you can meet their count and then publicly discuss your success.
You pick up an average girl at a bar and take her home. The more she talks, the softer your boner gets, but you manage to keep it together to get the bang. In the middle of sex, your mind thinks of messaging friends a “+1″ text.
In these cases, the primary pleasure you felt was the ten-second orgasm, which may have taken hours to accomplish. Your ego felt everything else, taking away the enjoyment that should have been present in the seduction, the kiss, the intimacy, the rapport. Your ego tricked you, convincing you that you need or must get laid, but after the orgasm, when you realize the experience was barely satisfying, you notice your ego has already skipped out, leaving you stuck with the bill. It doesn’t care about how you feel or how little you’ve actually gained from your efforts, just that it was fed before you.
If you were on a lonely island with one attractive girl, how many times would you want to have sex per week? Now fast forward one year. If you were still on the island with her, would you be having more or less sex? The second scenario is closer to determining your biological baseline need for sex. This is when you have sex for sex, not for ego. This is what you want to aim for, since going above that means working for the ego, the parasite that has attached itself to you, and not yourself.
Not every man is born to be a player. Some need sex daily while other barely need it at all, but thinking you want to be a player just because you see another man get a lot of girls is certain to cause your ego to take over. Comparing yourself to others means you are ignoring your true desire and handing over the reins to your ego so that it can dictate your life based on what it sees other people are doing. A man must instead discover his true sex need, the optimum level that fills his spirit and no one else’s. But therein enters a dilemma.
In the past, baseline sex could be achieved for a man with a good job or one who has accumulated resources. We no longer live during those times. Now sex is a craft, and it takes a craftsman to get laid. You can’t even get a kiss from a girl unless you possess at least basic game knowledge, whether you’re good looking or not. The dilemma is how to gain enough skill to get baseline sex while preventing your ego from taking over the sex act. This is how you do it: play the game and put in the approaches but don’t count your notches, don’t count your flags, don’t forward naked pictures or texts, don’t write about your bangs, don’t send +1 texts, and don’t high five your friends after a fresh score. Keep sex private, close to your chest—so close that your ego has no space to get in between you and the girls you sleep with.
Previously I wrote:
If a man bangs a pretty girl in an Eastern European shithole and has no one to tell, did the bang make a sound?
With this statement I missed. It should have read:
If a man bangs a pretty girl in an Eastern European shithole and has no one to tell, did his ego get stroked?
No, his ego didn’t get stroked. I was experiencing ego-less sex and lamenting that it was reducing my chasing of random notches.
Am I being realistic when I say you shouldn’t high-five your friends after a new lay? No. I’m giving you the ideal, but unless you exclusively roll solo dolo and lack internet access, it will be hard not to receive ego pellet rewards from mentioning your new scores and soaking in the glory. But if you overdo it, as I have, the ego assumes control, and no amount of notches or flags will make you content. The treadmill will never stop, and you will end up so far down the wrong road, so lost in in the darkness of female humanity, that you don’t know how to get back.
On one path you have men who don’t get laid at all, and on the other you have players who have sex for their ego. Like a pendulum, I’ve swung from one extreme to the other, avoiding the path in the middle, where the game would be played to fulfill my biological urge for sex and female companionship while ignoring my ego’s attempts to compare my results with others or to have sex for the main purpose of sharing it with people I subconsciously want to impress. The correct path is wanting to bust a nut inside a girl you are attracted to so that you can relieve the tension in your crotch, not alleviate the ache of your insecurities.
In experiments I’ve done on myself the past year, I find that I only need sex twice a week. Pursuing above that baseline will not bring me any additional benefit. Maintaining a harem of four girls, a good bragging number, is useless when one girl can completely satisfy my sex needs. Maybe I will get bored of her after only two months, but that relationship is still long enough where my required activity in game is but a small fraction of what I normally had put in.
It’s obvious to me that I wasn’t supposed to be a player for more than a couple years, but being one in the age of the internet is a nonstop party for the ego, because now the audience you can share your achievements with has no limit. From my crumbling ego tower I see other guys who think they are getting laid for themselves, but if they shut their blogs down, turn off the cameras, stop tracking bang metrics, stop tweeting, or stop sharing pictures, they’d be surprised themselves how quickly they would seek out traditional relationships. Where you find a player, you find an ego that is being vigorously stroked. Each notch gets plugged into a validation machine that rewards the player to keep going even when there is a small internal reward. His behavior has become dictated mostly by external responses, not inner desire, and when those external responses are shut off at once, his mating strategy will change overnight.
My brother has just turned 17. I want him to achieve enough knowledge for his baseline sex need to be satisfied without being corrupted by his ego. I will advise him to commit to a 2 or 3 year surge of intense game experimentation and sexual discovery to become a competent craftsmen who has enough ability to fulfill these baseline urges. Once he has developed his own sex funnel, he can relax his game efforts and simply maintain his skill while pursuing other hobbies that are unrelated to women. The correct path is not going sexless, and it’s not having sex for the ego—it’s taking the middle path. As a man who has been to both extremes, this path is illuminated clearly before me now, and the best advice I can give young men is to treat this as a hobby, not a lifestyle. Don’t follow in my footsteps by giving the sex act over to your ego. Satisfy your baseline urges and alleviate the heaviness in your testicles, but no more.