Getting Men To Commit

A common question girls asks me is how to get a man they are dating to commit. When it comes to dating or relationships, this question is much harder than helping guys get laid. Casual sex is more like trying to find a funny t-shirt while commitment is shopping for a house. But I have two suggestions for girls:

1. Read The Art of Seduction. This is not a self-improvement book for those of you that freak out by that genre, but the stories and strategy in here is guaranteed to give you some ideas you can use. It shows you through historical examples how men (and women) have turned into mush with concepts that more or less still work today. Plus it’s just a great book. For example, a chapter most girls I meet need to learn is Master The Art Of Insinuation:

The way insinuation works is simple: disguised in a banal remark or encounter, a hint is dropped. It is about some emotional issue—a possible pleasure not yet attained, a lack of excitement in a person’s life. The hint registers in the back of the target’s mind, a subtle stab at his or her insecurities; its source is quickly forgotten. It is too subtle to be memorable at the time, and later, when it takes root and grows, it seems to have emerged naturally from the target’s own mind, as if it was there all along. Insinuation lets you bypass people’s natural resistance, for they seem to be listening only to what has originated in themselves. It is a language on its own, communicating directly with the unconscious. No seducer, no persuader, can hope to succeed without mastering the language and art of insinuation.

The only time girls insinuate these days is when they want to complain about something you aren’t doing right.

2. Use jealousy. There is no emotion stronger than getting the feeling that a girl you like and have been breezy with is slipping through your grasp and about to be taken off the market. If that doesn’t cause the man to act fast, at least temporarily, then it’s time to accept that he will never be ready to commit with you.

Even though I know a girl is using jealousy, I can’t just tell my brain to shut down the uncomfortable feelings that drive me to her even more. It’s powerful, and deadly if used to your advantage. I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: if you are a guy with your eyes on a particular girl, letting her see you laugh with a girl prettier than her will do more to help your cause than any line or routine you can think of.

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  • http://themodernsavage.com Matt Savage

    Totally agree on reading The Art of Seduction for anyone.

    It might be worth mentioning some things that women shouldn’t do to make a guy commit. For example, don’t be a psycho or don’t be a pain in the ass.

    When interacting with women I find myself thinking about if she’s marriage material or not. Usually the pain in the ass psycho high maintenance party girl is in the NOT category.

    Sure insinuation and jealousy will likely work for women in the short run but in the long run I think the real commitment will come if they’ve got their life together, which I think is true for both sexes.

    Matt Savage’s last blog post: The Mr. Bubble Number Close.

  • http://culinarycouture.wordpress.com Lemmonex

    “I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: if you are a guy with your eyes on a particular girl, letting her see you laugh with a girl prettier than her will do more to help your cause than any line or routine you can think of.”

    I think letting her see you with a girl uglier than her works even better. It adds an element of self doubt in to the mix.

    Lemmonex’s last blog post: Beautiful Mess.

  • Ben

    What about things like being attractive, great in bed, at least pretending to enjoy giving bj’s without being asked, and being easy going and cool with your friends?

    I would think that those would work a lot better than some mind games that guys who read about game can easily see through.

  • The Dude

    Ben makes a pretty obvious and good comment. This is an excellent post though, probably one of the best I’ve read in a long time on here. Awesome.

  • Jo

    Ben, while I agree with your comment (I’m a girl) rational thinking men like you don’t belong here, only the guys looking to just get laid :-)

  • http://dchero.wordpress.com dchero

    I need to read that book, I’ve been meaning to do that. I really like the ongoing them of jealousy being the most powerful human emotion. It’s so completely true. I guess the key for the girl is to remain available while at the same time seeming to about to be swept off the market. That’s a tough line to walk, but I agree.

    dchero’s last blog post: End of Nerd Week: Nerd Girls.

  • Hope

    Date men who aren’t players, who genuinely love you, and whom you genuinely love.

  • secret asian man

    Get a man to commit?

    Simple. Don’t be crazy. Ever.

  • The Dude

    Hope:
    I preface this by saying I am not a player.

    Secret Asian, Ben and Roosh all give good advice that any girl could benefit from when seeking a man or just trying to improve their relationship.

  • http://www.seduction-chronicles.net Seduction Chronicles

    Jealousy works wonders on me. I’m super competitive so ladies, if you want this… date someone hotter – which isn’t hard =)

    Seduction Chronicles’s last blog post: For Game or Money?.

  • http://www.therawness.com T.

    I think letting her see you with a girl uglier than her works even better. It adds an element of self doubt in to the mix.

    [oops, fucked up the html on that last comment]

    Holy shit, a lot of ppl are just passing over this comment and not dwelling on it, but I think it’s subtly one of the most conterintuitive yet brilliant insights I’ve seen yet. Damn is that a good one.

    T.’s last blog post: The Compliance Recipe, Part 1: Compartmentalized Thinking.

  • http://roissy.wordpress.com roissy

    T., i saw that comment and had a similar reaction — it sounds intuitively plausible. but i think the concept of sowing doubt in your target by being seen with an uglier girl is one of those ideas that works strictly in theory and not in practice. maybe if the prop was *slightly* less attractive than the target might there be some self-doubt, but that would only be the case if the target was interested in you to begin with. otherwise, you will barely register.

    social proof is great for getting better treatment from men and women as long as the pivots you are with are reasonably attractive. being seen in the company of fat or ugly chicks (and this is from direct observation) will earn you the barely concealed contempt of others around you. girls are vicious judges of their competition and won’t feel the slightest threat from another girl who is blatantly ugly, unless their self-esteem is in the gutter.

    roissy’s last blog post: Hardest Challenges.

  • Anonymous

    What do you guys think of this?
    http://www.epjournal.net/filestore/EP06134146.pdf

  • http://www.therawness.com T.

    Roissy, I agree and disagree. After reflecting on Lemmonex’s comment, i think there’s a situation for using the ugly chick for jealousy and for using the pretty chick for jealousy.

    For strangers who have no preconceptions of you, the pretty chick is the way to go. Like you said, you want the hottest social proofing off the bat. You don’t want first impression to be of you with a wildebeest. But for a chick you’ve already got hooked on you, who has already attached value to you or has taken you for granted…for her to see that you’ve lost interest in her and deliberately chosen someone unattractive has GOT to totally fuck with her head. Like if a girl I was messing with upgraded to Brad Pitt, I’d feel bad but hey, it’s fucking Brad Pitt. If she traded me in for a guy that looks like the douche from Juno on the other hand, my self-esteem would be crushed!

    I’m thinking: hot chick for social proofing from strangers, ugly chick to make someone you’re in a relationship with jealous. (UNLESS your relationship issue is that she doesn’t think you’re attractive anymore or takes your looks for granted. In that case I’d say you also need a hot chick for jealousy to work best)

    T.’s last blog post: The Compliance Recipe, Part 1: Compartmentalized Thinking.

  • Skeletor

    I agree with the analogy of looking for commitment as similar to shopping to a house, I don’t agree with the advice Roosh gives here.

    From an evolutionary point of view, men look for different things depending on what sorts of things the woman is offering. There are two main mating strategies:

    Short Term Mating Strategy: If the girl is hot (reasonably good face, good hip to waist ratio, and no glaring physical deformities) almost every man will consent to short term sex even if the she has a horribly repellent personality.

    Long Term Mating Strategy: For a man of high value to enter into a long term relationship, the girl has to be hot AND exhibit nurturing qualities (because these would suggest that she has motherly tendencies that would help his children to survive) AND show clear signs of fidelity (because men who didn’t screen for this in our evolutionary history were likely to raise kids who weren’t their own).

    In a nutshell: be hot, nice, and not a whore. Using tactics and strategies may work in the short term (i.e., it may allow you to snag a quality guy for a short amount of time) but if you don’t actually have the long-term qualities guys are looking for, you’ll be found out eventually.

    This is why having ‘game’ appears to work better for men than it does women. If you’re a man, all you have to do is create demonstrations of high value (e.g. tell good stories, be confident, have good body language) and engage enough comfort with the woman, and sex is assured. These can be accomplished using strategies and techniques in the short term.

    To get a guy to commit in the long term, you actually have to BE beautiful, nurturing and faithful.

  • Todd Hackett

    game does work for women… and the jealousy thing is key.
    + not being needy or available all the time….and insinuation is an art. seductive women are terrific at this.

  • http://culinarycouture.wordpress.com lemmonex

    T: Ding, ding, ding! She will literally see herself slipping in front of her own eyes.

    lemmonex’s last blog post: Beautiful Mess.

  • Hope
  • Hope

    To get a guy to commit in the long term, you actually have to BE beautiful, nurturing and faithful.

    True true true. Oh and cook very, very well or be very, very good at giving head.

  • Irina

    I dunno, it’s about timing, actually. One day comes when you’re ready to commit (ie you’re not swayed by desire for others as much, and you will put your own ego aside to make someone else happy more than you would have ever considered before) and he’s ready to commit, too (realizes that your awesomeness is enough to make him not pursue other women and that he wants to be with you). For a lot of people, this will never happen. They will either just be in lust, teasing and making each other jealous, or one of them will be ready and the other won’t.
    If you’re talking about getting a husband here, this shit ain’t gonna fly to the degree you believe. But…you do always have to keep each other on their toes. It keeps the spark going. This will happen naturally, though, because once you meet someone you love that much, you will invent stories in your head for which to be jealous. Believe me, it happens to the best of us.

  • http://www.bittersweetamalgam.com Angelo De La Vega

    Females adept at jealousy games wield an unfair advantage. I believe there is a natural selection induced alpha male component encoded in all men and, as Roosh indicated, we are unable to ignore it. On multiple occasions I’ve closely traveled the perimeter of relationship territory… until she’s pulled a clever jealousy activation maneuver to rope me in.

  • http://roissy.wordpress.com roissy

    anon at 15:51 – good link.
    everyone should read the david buss study posted by anon. it’s excellent.

    The most straightforward implication is that not all women must “trade off” when selecting a long-term mate. Women high in mate value need not sacrifice good genes in order to secure good investment ability or other indicators of direct benefits. Women high in mate value, as indicated by the fundamental trait of physical attractiveness, raise their standards for all four clusters of indicators. Conversely, those women lower in mate value relax their standards for all of the key clusters of mate traits. They relax the strength of their standards not just for hypothesized good-genes indicators, but also for indicators of investment ability, parenting, and partnering. Whereas high mate value women want it all, women lower in mate value adaptively reduce their standards. These individual differences support the hypothesis that women have an evolved self-assessment mechanism that calibrates their standards to their mate value (see Buss and Schmitt, 1993, p. 230). This calibration adaptation presumably allows women to target their mating efforts toward men who are in the mate-value range that they can reasonably expect to attract and retain, and to selectively accept mating overtures from men within the mate value range they can attract and retain.

    roissy’s last blog post: Hardest Challenges.

  • LazyGirl

    T, I think maybe the going for someone less hot only works on guys. If I see a guy flirting with someone less hot than me, I mentally lower him to her level. I figure if she can get him, anyone can, which makes it boring for me. If he’s going for someone hotter than me, there’s an element of challenge, so I’m more likely to actually put an effort in to make him come back to me.

    That said, if the girl is too hot and he’s succeeding with her, I would consider him out of my league. And I’m guessing you guys, if you suddenly found you were succeeding with the chick you were using to create jealousy, would probably stay with her :p

  • wtf?

    I am so glad there are men out there who could give a shit about all these ridiculous standards and rules. I would never give my time (other than in this f*ing stupid blog) to any men who treated me in any of the BANG approved ways. I wish you would not make all your statements about gender, sex, and relationships universal to all human kind. There is immense variation in what matters to people in terms of relationships. You do not stand for the totality. From where I am looking you stand for a group of very violent and ignorant seekers of what really matters in life through a very empty and surface addiction to ideals which can never be maintained. Your approach to women and sex is extremely harmful. I am broken hearted by your attempts to use the emotions, insecurities, and desires of young women in ways that will, in many cases, be destructive to their self-worth and dignity and, if you ever become self aware (unlikely), to your own. But perhaps I am too quick to judge, fine if some people agree and like this sort of thing – but please don’t push it onto all of humanity, you can not speak for everyone. I just want to add to the conversation, in case there are young girls reading this that think they have to shape themselves to fit the ideals of men the likes of the one posting this blog… that this IS NOT how all men are and if this lifestyle does not appeal to you, then move on – you are not doomed to try and fit the model of being never unhappy and always perfectly fit and well-groomed young looking woman that always has to worry about being left alone because there are women “more attractive” and younger than you. Not all men think this way. Many men would be down right disgusted with the ideas posted here. Thats all. Have a great life…

  • Artist71

    I disagree on the jealousy thing. Looks great on paper but for me at least, the second I see her trying to make me jealous..the more turned off I get. Makes her look emotionally immature and not relationship material. The thought that goes through my head is “Fine you wants that other guy..knock yourself out!”.
    It may work on younger men but not those of us who have had female games/tactics/ploys played on us enough times to spot them from china’s distance away.
    A smart man doesn’t reward a headgame with chasing..that is asking for them to think “oh he fell for that one..wonder how else I can fuck his head up?”.

  • Anonymous

    Roosh I think you’re way off on this one. Basically, you’re telling women to be more seductive and using jealousy ploys to get a man to commit. But these tricks only work for a short time and really destroy long term relationships. I would never commit to a girl who tries to make me jealous every time she needs some loving or is angry at me. That’s the sign of a fucked up girl who’ve been pumped and dumped, not worth keeping.

  • A Commited Woman

    From my own experience, I can give women some tips on getting a man to commit.

    First, and most important – don’t ever let him know that this thought has crossed your mind. If it’s not mutual, he’d run full speed for the hills, and if it is, he’d already have purposed.

    Don’t have sex on the first date EVER. It’s not that hard to keep your legs crossed. Hint that there will be some progress on the second one. Don’t give up to his advances. Look at him seductively, say “Sorry, not tonight” and stick to it. Men despise women who resist but eventually put out. It shows lack of self-control, pretense and stupidity. On second night you have sex and better show yourself at your best. Never frown at a man’s penis. Never belittle him. Never mock him. Show appreciation. Show you love what he’s got. Size doesn’t matter, unless he’s huge, then it’s safe to say you love big equipment (like his). Touch him, kiss him everywhere, The only excuse not to is if he’s a big pig and hasn’t washed in days (get out of there). If he’s tired and can’t get it up, you say NO PROBLEM and hold him close. Spend the night talking fun. Your man is not a sex robot, he’s human.

    Actively listen to what he says. Even the hardest Alphas let slip information and may become quite talkative, which is good for you. He may talk about his job, his friends, his activities, football (ungh) – doesn’t matter. You don’t just sit there like a sex doll, you LISTEN! SHOW YOU LISTEN! Say things like “I understand”, “Oh, really” “Interesting”. Remember some detail and ask for further info on it. Men love to be listened to. Men love to feel entertaining and interesting. MEN ARE BORN TO PLEASE YOU, just as the other way around. And the more appreciated they feel, the more they will be ready to go out of their way for you. Without input on your side, you can’t expect anything.

    Casually invite him on a dinner, prepared by you, at your home. “Can’t cook” is no excuse. If you want him to commit, you have to show him you’re ready to care for him. This is what commitment is defined by – mutual love, and mutual CARE. Doesn’t matter – ham and eggs, fried bacon, fried chicken, some cupcake – remember, it’s not the food itself that matters, it’s the willingness to do it that counts. Get it?

    ALWAYS SAY THANK YOU! For the tiniest present, for the little, a bit withered flower he’s clutching in his hands, for the open door, for the help to get off the bus.Deep inside every man adores helping, protecting and pleasing women. It’s what he’s made to do. It’s not social conditioning as they try to pass it for. It’s natural. What isn’t natural is you treating him badly and turning your nose up for him. NEVER refuse help from a man. It’s incredibly rude and sends a clear message “I don’t need you!!” If you don’t need him, then why are trying to tie him down, huh?
    I was in a competition with another woman for my man (have to admit, more seductive than me), who never said thanks, when he helped her off the bus, while I always did. Guess who got him.
    My then bf, now husband, decided to buy me a pair of flip-flops once, because the old ones gave me blisters. Of course, he had no idea what suits me, so he just went to the shop and bought me the ugliest, mannish, gray-red flops I’d ever seen in my life. I almost gasped in horror. Did I say something? Yes, I did. I SAID THANK YOU! That guy has gone to girly shopping for flip-flops for me! That matters! You thank for the gesture, not the present itself. The gift, the money doesn’t matter. Only a greedy, evil bitch would complain after such a warm-hearted gesture. BTW I spent the whole summer with the flip-flops and they were incredibly comfy.
    Know what topics are fine to disagree about and which aren’t. Tricky one. You have to disagree on something, otherwise you’ll pass as a bimbo with no personality. Personal taste is fine to have a fun argument about. You can say you like different kind of music, different kind of food, etc. What you don’t argue about is: religion, family and other serious topics. Then you just listen and think hard, because you have to figure out if your differences on these topics are big enough to be a dealbreaker.
    Once you’re in a relationship, do the small things for him. Show you care, I can’t stress this enough. Kiss him. Talk nicely and calm to him. Laugh at his jokes. Show him interesting things in your own world (for example, I’m a herbal expert and I love showing him which plants are used for cure, he’s interested). Create a small haven at home for him, where he can rest, feel loved, feel adored, feel wanted and appreciated. My husband is ready to put the world in my feet for this. If there is a problem, it’s fine to tell, but no flaming language (no generalisations, no insults, no ridicule, no frowns). I have to admit I shout from a time to time, I’m a human after all. I do say sorry after that.
    Never say a bad word concerning him or his friends or family. Never try to separate him from them. Never calculate what you give him versus what he gives you. In love that shouldn’t matter. All that matters is if you’re happy in this relationship or not.

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