How I Trolled Lithuania’s Biggest News Site

Recently Lithuania found out about my book Bang Lithuania and went wild with rage, just like has happened in Iceland, Denmark, Colombia, and to a lesser extent, Estonia. As per the media outrage playbook, I got a request for an interview.

In response to my travel guides, I’ve done two live radio interviews, a couple phone interviews, and many email interviews. The one thing I learned is that no matter how reasoned, logical, or polite I am, I’m still going to get fucked when they ask me retarded questions (Colombia), cut me off live on the air (Denmark), or be highly selective about which of my responses they publish (Iceland). The reporters job is to ensure I stay the villain to sustain national outrage, which provides them with viewers and listeners for cheap.

So when a Lithuanian reporter asked me for an interview, I was ready to say no. But then I asked myself, why not have fun with it? I agreed to the interview and gave her bogus answers that I hoped would piss off both the men and women of Lithuania even more. And in this, I think I succeeded, for the entire interview was published on the news portal Delfi. Here it is…

I notice you call Lithuania a third world country. Why?

Where did you see this? I never called it third world.

So I read you’re a microbiologist. Why did you decide to write about girls and sex and stuff? What happened when you?

Having sex with foreign women and writing about it is more exciting than working in a science laboratory with Asian and Indian men.

Do you actually believe that things written in your books work? Does anybody actually buy your books?

My books are “non-fiction,” which means they are true. I noticed that no one in Lithuania is actually challenging my observations. I’m accurate in Bang Lithuania like I have been in my eight other love tourism guides.

I have sold almost one million of my books. I hope to cross the two million mark in a couple years. While some men prefer to spread their manliness by having children, I write books. American men are hungry for sex knowledge, and my books satisfy that hunger. I know what men truly want…. sex.

Do you mind being called a sexist?

No, it is a compliment. If people do not call me sexist, then that means I’m a weak man. I am a strong man, not weak.

Do you have any goals in your life? What are they?

To have consensual sex with as many European women as humanely possible. My parents are Middle Eastern, so to have sex with white women of pure race is great form of pleasure for me. If I was born 5000 years ago, there is no way I could have sexual access to such beautiful and pristine women.

How do you make a living?

I sell books.

Are you still on Southern Poverty Law Center’s list?

Yes. This list has helped me sell a lot of books. Is there a list in Lithuania I can be placed on?

What is an ideal woman for you? Both physically and mentally

I don’t care about her mental attributes. I like her to be petite, dark hair, slender, with a large butt. Unfortunately, Lithuanian girls have very small butts, like Asian boys. Also, breasts are not important to me, but Lithuanian girls usually have big breasts. But not as big as Polish girls.

Do you have a girlfriend? Can you be a monogamist? And do you think any girl can trust you? after all you only write about picking them up and getting laid

No, I do not have a girlfriend, because after a couple of months they find out who I really am. Once that happens, they get their fathers, brothers, and cousins involved and it causes a lot of problems for me. I’ve been admitted to the hospital twice because of incidents involving the family. I rather not explain further.

And do you imagine yourself in a committed relationship?

Yes, but only after I create a new identity. I plan on teaching English to foreign kids who have rich parents and can give me enough salary to support the playboy lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to. I will obviously have to change my name and appearance.

How did you decide to go to Lithuania? Had you heard anything about Lithuanian women before? If so – what (a few examples)?

I went to Lithuania because I wanted to perform the “Baltic flag sweep.” This is when a man sleeps with a woman from Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. (Capturing “flags” is a fun American game, but with sex instead of sports). I already had sex with an Estonian and Latvian woman, so only Lithuania was remaining. I was very satisfied when I completed this mission. I felt like the biggest man in the world, like I could climb any mountain in Europe.

Summary – Lithuanian girls, what they’re like?

They’re very beautiful but it takes time to get them into bed. They were not impressed when I told them I was a writer. Unfortunately, Lithuanian women are not as desperate to be with an American man as I had originally thought. I imagined they would throw themselves on me and beg me to take them to America, but this did not happen. They seem to like Lithuanian men who play basketball and wear Adidas clothing.

With how many Lithuanians did you sleep? What was the quickest “score” in Kaunas? (no names please just tell me methods, time and so on)

I don’t want to disrespect the Lithuanian women I slept with by answering this question, but I’ll just say that it was A LOT of women.

Please don’t take it too personally blame my curriosity. You are not the best looking man (in an objective comparison with movie or sports stars’ standarts), do you think that was one of the reasons you didn’t sleep with a girl above 6 in Lithuania?

Yes, my unattractive appearance hurts my sex life and I blame my parents for this, but what can I do? During the end of my stay in Lithuania, I started lying to girls by saying I owned two t-shirt factories in China. They gave me much more positive attention than when I said I was a travel writer. I wish I had more time to leverage my status as a Chinese factory owner, but I could only stay for one month because Estonian neo-nazis found out where I was and threatened to beat me up. Next time I visit Lithuania, I will lie about my money and status from the very beginning to sleep with 7’s and above. I will also wear Adidas sweat pants because I saw a lot of beautiful girls with men who wore them.

I believe, you’ve got loads of negative attetion from readers, from media… How do you react? Do you ever say anything to them?

I know I’m doing something right when people from all around the world hate me. Didn’t Jesus get negative attention when he was spreading the word of God? If I die because of my work, it will be worth it. My books will live on forever.

I thought the Jesus comparison was over the top and would reveal my trolling, but it did not. I take it my troll interview was a success since it got over 300 more comments than the original article that announced my book’s existence. I was satisfied with my work, but the tears of laughter dried quickly from my eyes and I was even too lazy to translate the angry comments. I couldn’t be bothered to shoot a response video. Having an entire country angry at me just doesn’t give me as much joy as it used to.

If you liked the above article then you’ll enjoy Bang Lithuania, my 39-page guide that teaches you how to date Lithuanian women during a visit to the country. It contains tourist tips, game advice, and sex stories that give you all the information you need to have sex with Lithuanian women. Click here to learn more.

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