How To Have Sex With A Virgin

I’ve had sex with four virgins in my life, from America, Colombia, England, and Poland. I believe this is statistically above the mean so I’m probably doing something right when I meet these girls. I attribute my success to these three techniques:

1. I show disappointment when she tells me she’s a virgin. I make it clear that I value fun sex, not virginity. I state that it’s a “shame” she doesn’t have any experience whatsoever on what I consider to be one of the most enjoyable behaviors that a human can have. Something must be wrong for her to still be a virgin.

2. I tease her virginity. I make light of her experience by saying things such as:

  • “So you don’t know how a penis works? It’s not a muscle, you know. :)”
  • “So what do you do on weekend nights—play with your doll house? :)”
  • “You’ve lived 20% of your life and haven’t experienced sex? That’s depressing. :)”

Under no circumstance should you convey that her virginity is a benefit to you, but don’t flat-out insult her either.

3. I disqualify myself from being the right man to deflower her. Yet at the same time, I will hint that I am a professional de-virginator who would do a great job. Say the following:

I have some virgin experience and honestly I didn’t like it. The sex will be horrible, there will be a lot of blood [when isn’t there?], and it will hurt you more than anything. You will want to scream and cry. It’s such a thankless task for men that they should get paid to do it. I would have to be extremely patient and gentle, but I’m too old for that. I don’t think I’m the right guy. Too bad, really, because you’re not an unattractive girl.

In spite of saying this, you’ll still escalate and get her to the bedroom.

Sex with virgins is quite awful, but they’re so insecure about it that they will do just about anything you tell them. They have no experience to dispute your assertion that doggy style is “the most popular” position, or that blasting inside their mouth is “normal.” So while it’s great to train her into being your own sex doll, understand that it takes about one month (roughly 8 sex episodes) to get her up to speed. Therefore unless you can see yourself dating her for at least a month, there is absolutely no point in banging her—you will never get a return on your investment.

If you will be in town for a while and she’s somewhat cool, go for it. The month after you take away her virginity, after your manhood is etched into her memory until she passes into the netherworld, you’ll be surprised at how quickly your student has learned to please you in the exact manner that you desire. Her pace of learning may even cause you to believe that the human female evolved for millions of years to sexually satisfy men, and not much more.

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