I Hope She Flakes

Flaking is a real problem in modern dating. You make plans with a girl, get excited about the prospect of intimacy, and then she sends you a text message cancellation containing a lame excuse. Maybe her best friend called her with a better plan. Maybe some guy she has a crush on finally came through. Or maybe she’s just feeling lazy and rather catch up on her reality television shows. Whatever the excuse, it will come down to one reason: your value wasn’t high enough.

She didn’t feel that she would miss out by not going on a date with you. There was no pain within her core in canceling. This is why if a girl flakes on you once, especially for the first date, it’s almost impossible to turn things around, because she has already acted out on the belief that you are not worth her time.

Flakes in my early days would burn. I’d sit there, twiddling my thumbs at home, asking myself, “Now what should I do?” I had no other plan. I’d be disappointed and my confidence would take a hit. Then, as the years went on, I begun to assume the flake and have a backup plan ready to go. This made flakes less disconcerting but still, they were not a pleasure to experience. Fast forward to today and I don’t mind if girls flake at all. In fact, more than half the time I wish they would flake. The reason?

I’m too busy.

I have so many things to do that my schedule is always packed. Every night before I go to bed I fill my next day’s to-do list full of tasks that will keep me busy for the entire day. Dates with girls disturb my work flow and set me back as much as half a day. While I do enjoy dates and want to have sex with girls, I also place great importance in completing my day’s work. What naturally happened was that on the day of dates I began to think, “Man, I hope she flakes so I can get all my work done.”

I noticed something interesting when the thought of “I hope she flakes” pops into my head: the girl never flakes.

Let me give you the opposite example. I meet a gorgeous girl who in my mind I refer to as dreamy. I’m enamored by her and can’t wait until we make love. We set a date and I clear my schedule to accommodate her. What odds would you peg at the flake? I can tell you: at least 50%.

Am I saying that girls can read your mind when it comes to how you value them? No, but I am saying that your thoughts about a girl transmute into words and body language that signals your value. That signal is perfectly interpreted by her, probably unconsciously, to determine whether or not she should proceed on a date with you. When you’re a busy man with things going on, you act in a different way than a man who has a lot of free time and really wants to be with a girl.

You can say “I hope she flakes” all day until your face turns blue, but the girl will still flake unless it’s a statement that’s congruent with reality. You can even create make-work in the hopes that you can convince yourself that you want her to flake, but this won’t do it either. The only way to make it work is if you value several other things in life above women.

If women are the most important thing in your life, and you chase them daily, you will surely get laid, but you will get flaked on. You have to play the numbers game to its mathematical conclusion. On the other hand, if women are not the most important thing in your life, you will get flaked on much less. Both cases get similar results in the form of bangs, but the latter man will get flaked on less because of the “you’re not that valuable to me” signal that women positively respond to.

I’ll be honest and say that I got more notches when women were number one in my life, but my rejection rate was high. I had to put up with a lot of disrespect  I had to go out several times a week. I had to always be “on.” It was almost like a job. Now that women are slipping down from the number one spot and I put less work into chasing them, my quantity is going down, but I have no shortage of dates from girls I meet in my daily routine. If anything, I’m going on too many dates, and it’s starting to interfere with my work. This afternoon I have a date with a girl I met in the bookstore, and even though she’s cute, deep down I hope she flakes.

Read Next: 7 Signs That A Number Won’t Lead To A Date

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  • James

    Great post. I’m relatively new to the game and learnt a hard lesson a few days ago. Met this gorgeous girl at a bar and had a great connection, make out etc. Logistics were fucked up so couldn’t take it further. I think she could sense I placed a lot of value on her and my text message asking to meet up flaked. Lesson learnt; don’t start texting her by showing her you value her.

  • go banana

    girls are fun. so are other things.

    …but girls are still fun

  • Gaius

    Very interesting point of view. I’ll remember next time (because mostly you can predict flakyness) to have a very good backup plan for going out.

    It has surprised me that women don’t feel guilty at all to flake. Or just not show up at a date.

    However I never carry a book with me on a date ;)

  • Anonymous

    The more you flake on them (give them reasons like work, family, other DHVs’…), the more the likely they’ll be not flaking on you anytime soon.

    They see that you have other shit to do in life than to put up with their bullshit… value and principles = bang

  • http://3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com 3rd Millenium Men

    It’s a good mind shift and reality change. But to go one step better, I recommend flipping the script and flaking on THEM the first time. In hindsight, it has always resulted in them becoming slightly obsessive because its never happened to them before. 3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/2012/10/08/a-post-for-women-and-words-of-advice-on-dating-part-2/

  • BlurredEights

    Hah, I’ve thought “I hope she flakes” many times, but I always thought it was because I was losing my mojo or something. Looking back, every time that thought has entered my mind, it’s because I’ve been honestly too busy or too tired from doing other things.

    I remember over the summer, I had three first-dates all lined up for a midweek sprint, thanks to online dating: Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

    By the time the Wednesday date came around, I was hoping all day that she would cancel, and I myself almost hit “send” with a text message telling her I needed to reschedule.

    But I powered through my exhaustion, and met up with her. Wouldn’t you know it, she was the highest quality, cutest girl of the bunch. I was glad I didn’t flake, but now I can’t help but wonder; if I had cleared my schedule for her and been excited for that date, would she have flaked?

    Fun to think about.

  • http://kleyau.wordpress.com kleyau

    From your backup plan post: “1. I plan dates on nights where I’ve decided that I’m going out no matter what, whether she comes through or not. ” I’ve found this is key for me. I always show up 5-10 minutes late to a date, check for the girl, if she’s not there, send a text, “Didn’t see you. Left for….” That’s it.

    Flake rates have gone way down, and when a girl does flake, I’ve had a better then 50% chance of turning it around with that.

  • beta_plus

    I remember when I dated before I knew much about game, there was a period where I was able to set up traditional dates (again, didn’t know much about game) so that I had a date Friday dinner, Saturday brunch, Saturday dinner, Sunday brunch, and Sunday dinner. Inevitably, a few would flake. The great part was that my attitude wasn’t being hurt, it was “Thank god! I thought I wouldn’t get anything done this weekend”. This would usually result in a certain percentage of girls rescheduling and actually showing up.

  • http://yousowould.wordpress.com YouSoWould

    You’re posting some quality stuff these last couple of days mate, I can identify with a lot of it.

    I’ve had this hot, 23 year old eastern european girl on the go for a few months for example, and I’ve cancelled on her four times in the last month, usually on the day of the date, simply because I would rather spend my time on my own intellectual pursuits – learning, reading, writing, working out.

    I just don’t get enough mental stimulation from girls in general to feel bothered having them around much these days. And if they are intelligent, they generally tend not to be very feminine/attractive.

    Now I’m not claiming that there aren’t genuinely hot, feminine, intelligent girls out there, but they are literally top tier – few and far between, and every other man in the world is after them too, including handsome millionaires – tough competition.

    I’m currently trying to figure out what sort of venues would maximise my chances of meeting girls like this, and continuously working on raising my own value to be able to get them when the opportunity presents itself.

  • http://www.thegmanifesto.com The G Manifesto

    This is 100% true.

    Especially this:

    “I am saying that your thoughts about a girl transmute into words and body language that signals your value. That signal is perfectly interpreted by her, probably unconsciously, to determine whether or not she should proceed on a date with you. When you’re a busy man with things going on, you act in a different way than a man who has a lot of free time and really wants to be with a girl.”

  • http://thefemministfatale.wordpress.com/ Annemarie Rose Weissberg aka Femminist Fatale

    You misogynistic piece of shit! I hope every woman you meet flakes on you because you don’t deserve one. A real woman wouldn’t give you the time of day.

  • http://ihatethereforeiam.com decomposer917

    Brilliant and some important for all guys to keep in mind. Assuming that the girl will flake and making other tentative plans is another way to make sure you don’t put your life on hold for the girl who is likely not going to show up.

  • Anonymous

    This is a really good mindset to have. It also saves you from wasting time with a girl who is not interested enough to make things intimate quickly.

  • Anonymous

    roosh, you are now a bearer and a disseminator of wisdom about life and men.

    personally i don’t believe there is anything more beautiful on this planet than a man who has passions and realizes them. that’s pretty much how all worthy things on this planet were made, invented, developed or discovered

    if you are a passionate man, women will follow

  • Cad and Bounder

    Ok yes true but let’s be honest guys, it’s annoying when they do this because irrespective of how busy we are they have still dicked us around.

    I find the reaction to it to be a moot point. Do you play indifferent or go apeshit?

    I used to play indifferent but then I thought about it and realised that its really a sign that she doesnt care that much.Clooney doesn’t get flaked. You must as well go apeshit on her and blow her out. Ok some will say it shows her ‘too much interest’ but whats the point playing indifferent? She’s not into you that much anyway and asking for another date is gonna be harder once she’s flaked the first time. Some cunts love the attention of it.

    By going tough on her- if she does see value in you- she will comply and apologise and you can get it back in play immediately, otherwise just move on. The last thing you want to do is waste time with a flake.

    Remember guys, who do these cunts think they are? We are the value and we’ve arranged our time to be with them and then they flake. We have the right to be fucked off with them.

  • meh

    “Annemarie Rose Weissberg aka Femminist Fatale”

    I see you’ve acquired a new fat power kike orbiter.

  • savage spartacus

    Haha be gone you feminist toad. your kind is not wanted around here

  • Wigwam

    #15 You would think that when you have no game experience, but it’s not the way it works.

    Being tough on her as a reaction shows you care about getting with her, which will turn her off, always.

    A girl will only value you once your dick has been in her vagina, 99% of the time. If you can’t get her in bed fast, she thinks you’re a loser, and complaining will only reaffirm that in her head.

    But if you truly don’t care or flake on her, the gina tingles are automatic.

    I used to think women were capable of better judgement of character than that, but I was wrong. The script to attract them is ridiculously simple.

  • American Man

    @ Annemarie Rose Weissberg aka Femminist Fatale
    “You misogynist piece of shit.” Ah, the mating call of the wildebeest. How do I know this is an oversized wildebeest and not a real woman? Real women are loved by their men and are too busy enjoying their lives than to be worried about such a retarded ideology as feminism.

  • http://permanentguest.wordpress.com PermanentGuest

    Love this. The most important is that 1) you can’t fake it and 2) you can’t fake it.

    I’ve had a girl set up a plan a night or so before. I honestly forgot all about the plan until she sent me a text apologizing for not following through. She baked me a cake a couple of days later (full disclosure: we had a high comfort level and have met before).

    For both meetings, I saw being with her as an added bonus. I was honestly busy during the day and had plenty to do during the evening that I not only forgot, but was unfazed by the cancellation AND the subsequent meetup.

    Go out and do something to better yourself. Hit the weights, pick up an instrument, play a game, etc. Whatever it is, put yourself as a priority. Flaking may or may not change, but your gut reaction to it will, as this post shows.

    Top Post Nominee!

    PG

    Latest Post: Some Sound Advice

  • Anonymous

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/21/nice-guys-of-okcupid-tumblr_n_2341720.html#slide=1912814

    how do you feel about this? Some fatties have too much spare time. they should exercise instead of fucking around on tumblr like this

  • JM

    Roosh, do you have any source of income other than this blog, ROK, and the bang guides? Or do these things really keep you that monumentally busy?

    Not trying to be condescending, just curious.

  • Cad and Bounder

    Wigwam, you misunderstand the point I am making. She’s flaked on you. Deal with it. That’s the reality. Let’s not pretend we flaked on her or delude ourselves that we can always get them into bed from the first minute. So once she’s flaked what do you do?

    You are advocating playing indifference with someeone who is indifferent with you. This has a low percentage chance of working and it also makes you look like a wuss.

    Let’s put it this way. You are a very busy man. You have loads of dates. You have a busy social schedule. You are alpha. You’ve arranged a date with a girl who has flaked before the date. She has shown you no respect. You are completely entitled to contact her and tell her that you are busy man and you dont appreciate your time being wasted by a child. Would gordon gekko have tolerated it if bud fox flaked on their first meet? Why should you?

    Then tell her you have no interest in seeing her again. Blow her out. If she likes you she will come back. If she doesnt you move on. Simple. Its not ‘complaining’ its telling her not to wate your time.

    Dont be a wuss and put them on a pedestal. Show them you are happy to let them go and they will respect you.

  • speakeasy

    I agree with Roosh that when a girl flakes(assuming the reason isn’t genuinely legitimate), your value isn’t high enough to her. But what this post never delved into is how the bar for what is considered high value has been raised markedly in the last few decades. There may be nothing wrong with the value you are communicating to her, it may be that her bar is set way too high. Much of the blame of this comes from “always on” social technology like FB and texting. Texting is probably the biggest culprit. The NY Times recently wrote a story on the impact text messaging is having on flaking. 99% of flakes are delivered via text. It’s desensitized people to the process of having to disappoint another live human being and break off plans with them.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/28/fashion/let-your-smartphone-deliver-the-bad-news.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

    Think about what goes into a flake:

    1) She doesn’t consider your value high enough

    +

    2) There is little shame in breaking plans

    To not flake she has to either be *encouraged* by your high value enough or *discouraged* by the feelings of shame in breaking a set plan. Smartphones have allowed her to feel less shame in breaking plans, “so sry…smtg came up. can’t meet u 2nite” and she’s over and out. No guilt, no shame, no compassionate explanation. The smartphone is a dehumanizing buffer that allows her to make decisions without consequence to how they effect someone else. Now combine this with all the other non-stop chatter her girls are sending via text all day. Anytime you are around females, you notice that her phone is blowing up constantly with texts and attention in one form or another unless she turns it off.

    All the options coming in via social media are creating a “paradox of choice” making it hard for her to commit to any plan. And the impersonal nature of texting makes it easier to brush off any commitments without feeling bad about letting down a real human being on the other end. The bar has been raised, but it isn’t due to the fault of men…other than Steve Jobs.

  • Eyebrown

    ““I have never understood why it is ‘greed’ to want to keep the money you have earned but not greed to want to take somebody else’s money.”

    Because you’re not very smart.

  • Derrick

    @25,

    So a microbiologist isn’t smart?

    Are we living in an Orwell novel now?

  • http://dannyfrom504.wordpress.com dannyfrom504

    i’ve always said, “a woman should be the side-dish of a mans life, not the entre’. every woman i’ve ever been involved with has been told the same thing-

    “you’re the FOURTH most important thing in my life.
    1.ME
    2.my family
    3. my career
    4. you”

    frame is everything.

  • Apocalypseman

    @23 no you miss the whole point. The whole point is making any attempt to get the girl after she flakes is weak. You should either have more important things to do, or other girls to consider as options. Thus, you shouldn’t expend any mental energy on a girl that flakes on you.

    Calling her and acting like you are the boss man? That is weak dude. Move on…who cares, plenty of girls out there. Telling a girl who is indifferent and who flaked on a date, that you have no interest in seeing her again? She will laugh about you to her friends. Good luck with that.

  • http://kennyspuahtoughts.wordpress.com/ Socialkenny

    Awesome! I have to write about this soon, as a way to handle flakes without killing your self or esteem.

    But this is what I did to flakes just the other night. And I recommend every guy in game/pickup to do the fucking same and man up!

    Roosh basically would advocate doing this (that’s if he hasn’t already).

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgJlbBzFs24

  • Cad and Bounder

    @28 There is no mental effort or energy expended in texting a girl and blowing her out for future dates because she flaked on you. I’m talking about this sort of thing from heartiste

    http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/anti-flake-tactic/

    I did a similar thing recently and it worked.

    A date/time/place was agreed for 9. Her texts are in quotes. The previous text was at 5pm.

    7:30 ‘Let’s make it weekend’
    7:45 No lets make it tonight as agreed. I don’t make dates that I break and I’m busy this weekend.
    7:50 ‘I’m coold’
    7:55 I’m traveling this weekend. I might have invited you but you prefer playing games.
    8:00 ‘Ok I’m childish. You are right’
    8:01 ‘See you after you come back, if you want’
    8:10 Nope
    8:13 ‘I can come and see you at 9:15′

    The key point here is that she is blown out when she tries to re-arrange the date. Don’t make it easy for them when they flake.

    A couple of hours later and she tells me ‘the thing I like about you is that you are very straight, you keep promises’

    Go figure!

  • http://going-galt.org John Galt

    One other mental program to break which is the most important here is the beta ranking software.

    Many times we use our beta ranking or desire for such in this context and it sabotages our game. Here is how. When you have nothing to do especially if you are not in a stable career or not working or if your job is mundane or gives you a lot of free time, you might inwardly (subconsciously) feel that you are not marriage or relationship material. So when you are asked about your schedule, you think that you are less in other’s eyes and can’t articulate an answer due to shame. What you are doing is projecting the feeling that you have for yourself as if they are coming from the observer. Sometimes they do, but most often they are from you. This is a concept of inner frame or inner game.

    What you might fail to realize is that females don’t think this way to a large extent. This has been stated in the game community often but this is a good example.

    In periods of my life when not working much or at all, I always had something that interested me. When you break the cycle of saying that you are not working, you find that you have a lot to talk about.

    I have a running list of things that please me to do along with a few obligations and defined goals. Even if it reads along the lines of: spend three hours in the library reading, go down to … to take some photographs of, change the oil in the car, go shopping for ingredients for dinner; next day: go to the gym in the morning, go for a massage, write for two hours, read this particular book for one hour, start cooking dinner. I think that you get the point. Years ago, I took the plunge and read off my list to a female who asked me what i did all day when work was never mentioned. They respond to you having a life and that you know what you want to do. Many times it gives you an opening when you offer to let them tag along or join you while you are cooking dinner for yourself. It really helps if you ask them if they can manage not to bother you while you are doing something.

    Want a same day lay? Let a female watch you work out in your home gym. This is especially true if you are at the point where someone being around will not change how you work out. My favorite is long distance walking. Why? Because I really enjoy it (the most important reason) and most females do not have any stamina. Tiring them out lessens defenses and the exertion releases endorphins which are associated with you. It also makes them feel guilty and inferior if they get in the way or slow you down. The younger the girl or the more feminine older females, the better this works.

    It also helps you with getting freedom in life. When you have lots of things which turn you on, you amazingly do things that you would have never done before. Goals are formed instead of fantasy. You have a lot to talk about to anyone. It makes you very interesting and is the opposite of being drained at work because you are enjoying what you are doing or being challenged at something that you want to do.

    Want to see how crazy awesome this is in life in general. A successful businessman wanted to contract with me to do a project, great money. He asked if I could work it in to my schedule. I told him my days including things like the photography project and when I was working on it to how I needed two more weeks to finish rebuilding the an automobile and how my days go and what my priorities daily were. In other words, my health and exercise were demonstrated to be in a category close to oxygen. Get it, this was not said smugly; it was conversational. Twenty eight years old and landed the contract and have a great friend and resource in addition. He respected a goal directed and most importantly self-focused person. Game and life have a lot in common. Yes, it was brass-balls to do it this way, but both of us knew my bills were already paid.

    The only females who will ask you about job or neg you about non-working priorities are used-up sluts looking to cash out before or after the wall. As for others in life, they just don’t know any better or are broken betas themselves.

    Here is how to start. Make a fun list, a health list and a goal list. Some of these may have sub goals necessary to do so expand these lists as necessary. Pick at least two from each list everyday. If one of these items have a sublist, simply pick two from the sublist instead. It is better to pick more than you can do in a day. Write them down for the next day. Do as much as you like and tell it to others if you feel like it. Be accountable to no one for progress. Within a few weeks you will have a drive to do everything on your day’s list. If something does not set you on fire anymore, dump it. At least you will know that you tried it. The girls and money and lifestyle will come naturally.

    Good hunting.

  • Mark

    Good post. I certainly don’t want to make women the center of my life. My health comes first, then my job and then my personal relationships which includes but is not limited to dating women. With that attitude, I find I get less upset when some female flakes on me and I just maintain a happier and more content emotional state.

  • V

    Words of wisdom, as usual. Thanks!

  • Anonymous

    At 3MM – “It’s a good mind shift and reality change. But to go one step better, I recommend flipping the script and flaking on THEM the first time”.

    What I’ve started doing with casual social circle connections is inviting them to an event i know they’re going to aleady. I get the “I’m going there with my friends, I’ll see you there”. They show up expecting another orbiter…and keep looking all night long. Next time I see see them, I’m been elevated from a potential Flakee to a FlakER. Does wonders for your Hand.

  • Peace Corps

    Roosh, you need to stop trolling your own blog with these FAKE feminist websites (like Annemarie Ross Weisberg #11). Come on, bro! You weren’t even trying to make that one look authentic.

  • Anon

    How does one discern between a legitimate flake (like being sick) or otherwise? Even if it’s legitimate sounding, it could still be a lie. When I get flaked on, I assume, like Roosh says, that I’m low value to her and move on. Maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt?

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  • http://syntheticMagic.com Nathaniel Adam Briggs

    I’ve had so many flakes.. I made an app that takes some of my retrospect, and put it into a series of 10 questions to help you figure out.. if she’s a flake.

    Check it out.. it’s totally free, and just for fun.

    There’s an app for that! IS She a Flake? > https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/is-she-a-flake/id502729901?mt=8

  • girly

    wondering if the same works for women…