It’s The Patriarchy’s Fault

I was late today to work because I accidentally switched the AM/PM setting on my alarm. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! They construct technology solely for men, not understanding that my needs as a woman are different.

At a work meeting my manager criticized an idea I had for one of our ad campaigns. I excused myself to the bathroom where I cried for twenty minutes. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! They simply are unable to peel away their inherent bias to see the value of a woman’s idea compared to that of a privileged man’s.

At my co-ed kickball game today we lost by a large margin to a team that had one man who was very athletic. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! Men should not be able to perform with 100% effort on the field because, even though men and women are the same, men are just a little bit faster in sports. This creates unnatural distortions during games when we’re just supposed to be socializing and having fun. Men should be required to wear 20 pound leg weights so we have more equality during competition.

At the happy hour after the game, a creepy guy asked me for my phone number and it made me feel weird. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! Men should know better than to offend the cultured sensibilities of a woman by thinking they can get sex from just anyone. I will be writing a letter to the kickball league so that I don’t have to bear to see him anymore.

On my drive home there was an accident on the road that caused a massive backup in traffic. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! The accident was obviously caused by a man whose testosterone was raging too high. Men with high testosterone should drink more soy milk.

At dinner I lost all self-control and ate an entire box of cupcakes that I was saving for a dinner party. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! Subsidies to male sugar farmers causes an overproduction of delicious sweets. I should not have been able to buy so many cupcakes at an affordable price. The government should step in and do something about it.

I logged onto OK Cupid today and I got messages from all these losers making comments about some minor cleavage I displayed in one of my pictures. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! Men treat women like objects instead of intellectual creatures. They are so blind to the personalities of women that it’s no surprise that anti-social autistic diseases afflict mostly men.

I called my dad and asked him for some career advice. He told me that I have to think about my ideas more carefully. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! I shouldn’t have to work harder than men for equal work but less pay. I’m so sad that my dad is trying to manipulate me to serve men better, but thankfully Obama is on the case to solve this horrible problem.

I looked in the mirror and absolutely hated what I saw. Even though I’m only 30 pounds overweight, I shouldn’t loathe my own body for any reason. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! They are pushing unrealistic standards on women that are utterly impossible to maintain in the busy and independent lifestyle that women have today.

I watched a reality television episode where one of the female characters was actually pushed by a man after she slapped him for being an insensitive jerk. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! Men should never hit women for any reason. Shame on men everywhere for not speaking up against male-on-female violence.

I read an article in Cosmo magazine that tried to teach me 100 ways to please a man. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! This male-owned magazine is just perpetuating negative stereotypes where women are metaphorically enslaved by horny men who just want to get their rocks off. I did enjoy the celebrity gossip page, however.

I lay in bed after such a horrible day and cried myself to sleep. It’s the patriarchy’s fault! A world in which I’m unhappy and have to experience unpleasantries shouldn’t exist. Tomorrow I hope I will be perceived as beautiful by everyone I come across, be complimented for my great ideas, and be approached by an intelligent, sexy, funny, tall, rich, and well-endowed man who respects my independence and strength. Please god destroy the evil patriarchy so that nothing bad will happen to me ever again. Only then can I finally be happy.

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