Men Must Groom More Than Cats To Get Laid

If our great-grandfathers could see the amount of grooming we need to do in order to be attractive to women, they’d probably accuse us of being gay. In fact, I’m sure that heterosexual men today have to groom more than women of 30 years ago. As alpha or masculine as we think we are, our grooming habits must make us the most feminized men to have ever existed. Here are all the acts of grooming I’ve done at least once in the past week:

  • Floss my teeth
  • Brush my teeth
  • Scrape my tongue
  • Gargle with mouthwash
  • Pluck extra long and curly eyebrow hair that began to obstruct my vision
  • Trim my beard
  • Shave my neck
  • Trim ear hair
  • Trim nose hair
  • Apply baking soda to arm pits
  • Apply and remove contact lenses
  • Wipe my ass thoroughly
  • Shower
  • Stroke my balls with my hand and then smell it to ensure lack of odor
  • Apply benzoyl peroxide to a pimple
  • Apply lip moisturizer
  • Apply face moisturizer
  • Remove boogers and other debris form my nose
  • Comb my hair
  • Trim my sideburns
  • Wash clothes
  • Wash penis in bathroom sink after sex
  • Trim my fingernails
  • Trim armpit air
  • Squeeze out blackheads on nose
  • Remove residual sock fiber from underneath toe nails
  • Remove ear wax using cotton swabs
  • Remove eye gunk after waking up
  • Dab off extra grease on forehead with napkin

This list may seem long, but I’m confident it’s shorter than that of a lot of Western men who consider themselves to be as straight as me. I’m scared to estimate how many hours I spend a week on these grooming activities.

A common belief in the manopshere is that women want masculine, alpha men, but what they really want is sexy clowns who are well-groomed. If you have bad breath, bad skin, or odorific armpits, you’re not getting far with women no matter how good your game is. The modern man has to essentially groom like women in order to attract them, because I highly doubt that tribesmen of ancient times cared if their breath smelled or not. We get judged today on seemingly trivial qualities that men of the past didn’t.

I bring up this point not to tame your grooming habits (I surely won’t cut back on smelling my balls), but to remind you that what we think of masculine is relative to the men of today, not men of the past. Those men would wonder what the hell is wrong with us to spend so much time tinkering with our appearance and natural smells just for an increased shot at sex. Give them a couple months of living in our time, however, and I’m sure they would understand how necessary grooming is to get laid, right before asking us how exactly how much baking soda is needed for armpit application. Now excuse me so that I can trim the hairs that are creeping up the shaft of my penis.

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