My Life Is A Joke

On the weekends the bus ends at 2:30am but I don’t get to the metro (subway) station until 3:30. It’s an expensive $11 cab ride home. So I hook up my bike on the front of the bus when I head out, lock it up at the metro station, go out and do my thing, then hop on the bike on the way back for the three mile ride home. Even though I stay on the sidewalk it’s stupid dangerous and I get yelled at by drunk Mexicans from their cars who mock me and my late-night mode of transportation. I raise my fist and yell back, “Fuck you I used to be a scientist!!” By the time I get home at 4am I’m drenched in sweat and have to stand in front of a fan for 10 minutes before I can go to sleep.

I was out where this older woman was gawking at me. She makes her move while I was eating delicious strawberry cupcakes. The same night she takes me out to drinks and a light meal and I reach in my pocket and slide the lubricated condom around the wrapper getting ready for the only thing I’m really good at in life. Towards the end of the night when it’s time to bang she says, “I really like you and I think we should wait to build something. We’ll email each other every day until I come back in three weeks.”

cowboyhat.jpgI got a number of a young, pretty Italian girl. I called her and for some reason she picked up. I don’t remember the last time a girl picked up the phone when I first called. SHE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO PICK UP. I completely blanked. The hamster in my brain just shrugged. One second, two seconds of silence. Three seconds!! Eternity! Out of anything in the world I could have said, it ended it being, “Oh girls don’t usually pick up the phone so I was about to leave a message.” My wall has a hole.

I had an interview of sorts for a slave labor freelance writing gig. I begged the guy for an afternoon appointment but he preferred 11am, which meant I had to wake up at 8:30 to eat and get ready for the 90 minute commute. The night before I couldn’t go to sleep until 5am. I set two alarms but must have cut them both off while in a sleepwalking state because when I wake up the clock says 10am. I emailed the guy, “Sorry I didn’t come through,” then I went back to sleep and got up at my normal time of noon.

I wonder if I’ll ever reminisce about these days when I’m filthy rich and hand feeding my perfect assed Brazilian bride chocolates wrapped in gold foil.

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