A tad pretentious,
but no mouth-breathers around
Pretty girls I’ve met

Rating: 4/5

Map • Official site

1215 Connecticut Ave, N.W.
Washington, DC 20036

Chaco and his fiance have eloped to Las Vegas and are getting married tomorrow. They have decided on a cowboy and cowgirl theme, which is a little bit surprising to me since I don’t think they have ever been south of Virginia. Anyway, he’s going to be busy now pleasing his wife with marathon sessions in the bedroom after day-trips to home improvement stores. Contributing here is no longer the number three priority in his life.

I’ve added some new emoticons because sometimes I can’t find words to describe the complex emotions I’m feeling.

The smilie legend link is above the comment box.

1. His hand is basically on her breast.

2. Her eyes are closed and she seems comfortable. She’s mentally preparing for sex.

3. His hairy complexion would be better balanced out with some facial hair, but I’m a little biased.

He is a player. Don’t believe me? Check out this picture taken a little later:

It’s obvious they had drunk sex in the bathroom. I can smell the sex juices from here (and I can see it on his shirt).

Her body does look pretty nice though.

About a month ago I read a post on Consumerist about Verizon raising their text messaging rates by 50% and how you can use that to get out of your contract. (Starting March 1 it will cost you 15 cents to send and receive instead of 10 cents.) I sorted through that post and other posts and comments to construct a cancellation script I could use during the call. They use scripts on us so why shouldn’t we have one too? Then I reported back to Consumerist.

We’ve laid out these steps before, but we enjoy Roosh’s confrontational style. He created the script based on previous Consumerist posts and comments. He talked to three different reps in thirty minutes. Within an hour after hanging up, his phone was off.

A blog saved me $175.

You can view the script here. It’s helping quite a few people cancel without a fee. Even if you don’t want to cancel your contract with them, you should still use it to get a credit on text messaging for the remaining life of your contract. Do it before March 1. Thirty minutes of your time can save you over fifty bucks.

Until my new phone comes in, I’m enjoying the silence.

After my experience as Jesus, I thought it’d be a good idea to grow a long beard, since there is no good reason not to. I let my face grow for almost three months.

I’ve never in my life received so many complaints about my appearance. Even my family ragged on me, calling me Taliban, Ayatollah, and mullah. Every week my mom said, “Why would you want to make yourself ugly?” Among natives of this country, Jesus and Geico caveman guy were most popular. I got called Jesus about half-a-dozen times a week, mostly by strangers who thought they were too clever for their own good. Unabomber was common and I heard Rasputin once.

The fun part was the stares. People would gawk at me and break their neck to do double takes. Adults would tug on their friends and point at me. I was a rock star. This made going out at night easier because girls approached me more. They came for the beard and stayed for my personality. But those same girls would say, “Why would you want to make yourself ugly?” They found it impossible to comprehend why I wouldn’t look in a way to attract them best, since that’s all I should be living for. But overall the intimate attention I got from girls remained the same. I looked like a homeless bum but girls still wanted to fuck me.

In the end I had to end the experiment because I felt like I was wearing an itchy mask. When I shaved it off I had trouble recognizing the reflection staring back at me. So this is how other people see me. While I’m lucky to be blessed with the genetics to make a monster beard, I don’t think I’ll do it again.

For the past two months I have been stealing wireless internet from my friendly neighbor. Along with my roommate, I have downloaded terabytes of illegal music, video, software and the dirtiest of porn, including ass-to-mouth and midget double anal. We have voluntarily throttled our download speeds so we don’t raise alarm or fry their router. But recently the free wifi has been silenced. Now all we get is some weak-ass one bar network that only works in the dining room.

I am writing this from Panera. They offer free internet (hot tea is $1.25 and refills are free), but no open ports for illegal downloading. What am I going to do once I get desensitized to the porn I already have? They close at 9PM which means when I go home I am forced to be productive instead of reading message boards until 3AM.

Next to me is a group of seven young men, led by a man my age. By his tonality and speech, I guessed he was with Amway trying to sell these guys into some sort of multi-level marketing scam. He was going on with simple anecdotes and wordy explanations to motivate and inspire. Just like with cold readers (“psychics”), the more vague you are, like this guy was, the higher chance you will hit everyone in the group. Specifics only exclude. Turns out it’s a bible study group.

I observed the participants of this group, aged 18-23, and determined they were all beta males. The most beta of the beta, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were all virgins. They deferred to this group leader like he was their mentor, even though to me he came across as an amateur salesman.

He repeatedly said to these young men, “God has a special plan for each and every one of you.” Apparently his plan is for them to meet in a franchise bakery every week and follow orders from someone who puts stickers on a Mac laptop. If God really did have a plan for these young men, why does it matter if they went to the study group or not since the plan is already set and unchangeable? Wouldn’t meeting in bible study groups and church disrupt the plan that God has? Instead of fulfilling their destiny, these young men are mentally masturbating about how a plan exists. It’s kind of like motivational seminars: instead of bucking up and doing what you know you must do, you are spending thousands of dollars and a lot of time to discuss why it’s important you do it.

The real reason for this bible study group is to help commit these beta males to eventually contributing significant portions of their income to religious leaders who may or may not practice what they preach. I think they’d be better off telling their human religious leaders to fuck off and donate the 10% tithe directly to charities instead.

Still, Panera is better than the public library. The tables there are sticky and everyone is all up in MySpace. In the meantime I’m praying for the return of the golden goose. If God does exist, I know his plan is to provide me with fresh, DVD quality porn. When I switch to full screen mode, I don’t want to see degradation in quality.

…my Mom will be more than happy to do your Turkish coffee-cup fortune or analyze your dreams with a 20-year-old book she keeps in a Ziploc bag (to prevent further page disintegration).

How You Start The New Year

The Dream Book