Post-Sex Evidence Cleanup

Life was easier when I was at my dad’s. Girls knew they couldn’t come over to “my place” so I did all the banging at theirs. They had to deal with cleaning up after my body hair, sperm, drool, mud streaks, etc. Even when I had my own place before I’d still do a lot of the banging on their bed, but in Colombia no girl lives alone so 100% of shags take place on my king size.

After each bang I do a clean sweep of the room to get ready for the next visitor. Colombian girls are more jealous and clingy than American girls so it’s important they don’t know you’re fucking around or you’re in for a visit from her machete-wielding little brother.

Post-Sex Checklist:

  • Condom flushed down the toilet?
  • Condom foil wrappers disposed of in kitchen trash, not bathroom trash?
  • Girl’s hair picked up and flushed down the toilet?
  • Sex juice, lubricant, and blood blotted out from sheets with a dirty rag?
  • “Forgotten” items like lipstick tucked away in secret location?
  • Disposal of all my clothes that came into contact with girl into hamper, regardless of cleanliness?
  • Hanging of bedsheets to air out any additional scents?
  • Removal of all glassware with potential lipstick marks?

If I’m faithful to the checklist there are only two ways that I can get caught.

1. The girl gets a hold of my phone. I have text messages about meeting with girls though nothing blatant like, “The fuck you gave me last night was great.” I am very careful about not leaving my phone around, especially since I forgot the password to lock it.

2. She sees me out with another girl. This is probably how I’m going to go down. I tend to hang out often in Medellín’s Parque Lleras, a compact zone of bars and clubs, and visit the same few places. It’s not because I like Parque Lleras, which is the cheesiest place in the city, but because I don’t know of other places to go where my chance of being stabbed in between the ribs is acceptably low.

Physical evidence is the killer. You can always deny rumors or purported sightings by a friend, but a tiny piece of condom wrapper laying at the side of your bed and she’ll never let it go. If she has no physical evidence on you, and did not you see with another girl, deny until you die. Be a sociopath and believe your denial. Tell her she’s crazy. She knows you’re a cheat and you know she knows you’re a cheat but she has no proof so… not guilty.

Now I haven’t made a verbal commitment to any girl, and they know I’m a pig, más o menos, but there is an expectation here that you be monogamous after a couple dates. Technically I don’t and shouldn’t have to make any effort to hide my activities, but it’s worth the piece of mind. Plus I don’t want girls to have a trump card to ever play on me. Don’t ever give up that upper hand!

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