PREVIOUSLY: PART FOUR
The following night Luigi and I met at the TGI Fridays and ordered burgers. It was his last night in Riga.
“So what happened to you after I started talking to the girl?” Luigi asked.
“The bitch tricked me,” I said, “but first tell me what happened with the blonde.”
“I fucked her,” he laughed.
“How did it go down?”
“Remember last night I was telling you to sell these girls a dream? Well, my energy was really high and I was telling her that she was so beautiful and her hair was so soft. Then I said, ‘Look you’re a pretty girl. You like me, I like you, how about I give you 20 lat and we go to my place and hang out?’”
“And what did she say?”
“Of course she say yes. I told you, these girls are crazy about money. So I took her to my place, less than one hour after I start talking to her, and I fuck her. I even fuck her in the ass! It was so tiny.” He cupped his hands to accentuate the tightness.
“And you gave her the 20 lat?”
“No, I didn’t even give her! In the morning I could tell she wanted to ask me something, like she wants the money, but she didn’t ask and I didn’t bring it up.”
“What would you have done if she brought it up?”
“I would tell her that I didn’t have the money and I have to go to the ATM later. What is she going to do? Call the cops? These girls don’t have pimps.”
“So you scammed her. Amazing.”
“Yes, remember, I’m from Sicily.”
“So while you were scamming a chick, I was getting scammed.”
“Yes tell me what happened. I saw you talking to a nice blonde.”
“I approached her and we started dancing. After a while we agreed to go somewhere else. I was going to take her to the Latvian club we were at earlier, since it’s normal and the music is good, but once we got outside, she wanted to take me to a bar in the opposite direction.”
“Exactly,” I said. “She didn’t want to come to my bar because she didn’t trust me. I said, ‘Trust? We’re going to a public club, not my apartment.’ She insisted on going to her bar.
“I told her, ‘Look, don’t try to screw me. I’ve been in this city for a month and I know what goes on here. If you want to screw me then go right back inside and find another guy. There are many guys there who don’t care about getting screwed.’ I basically told her I wasn’t an idiot and that she was wasting her time if she was trying to con me. She got offended that I’d think of her that way. She stopped walking and then our faces got real close, like we were about to kiss.”
“So she was sincere?”
“Yes. I was convinced she wasn’t a scammer and that she really liked me. Either that or she was the best actress I have ever met. We walked and walked, just like with those two chicks from our first night out. She kept saying it was close, like they did. I was getting a little anxious, but not too much because I believed she was real. Then we finally arrived at her club. I walked in and it looked fine—nice bar, DJ, big dance floor—but there were only two people in there.
“I went up to the bar and asked the bartender how much a Finlandia vodka cost. Usually it costs 2.50 lats, even in the good clubs. Well, he showed me the menu…8 lats. $16 for a shot of average vodka. I went back to the girl and said, ‘Do I look stupid?’ She didn’t answer. I raised my voice. ‘Look at me! Do I look fucking stupid? I told you not to screw me, and now you bring me to this fucking scam bar. What the hell is wrong with you?’”
“So she is bitch?”
“Yes, she is bitch. She broke down and started crying. I couldn’t tell if she was faking. She said, ‘I feel ashamed.’ I told her, ‘If you want to come with me to the normal club, we can go now. Yes or no?’ She didn’t give me an answer, wanting to talk instead. I could tell she was trying to stall, that she wasn’t really attracted to me, so I left. It was almost 5:00. I thought it was hopeless, but I didn’t give up. I went to another Latvian club and met a thirty-year-old who was sitting alone at the bar.”
“Alone, that’s like a jackpot.”
“Yes. I got her to my place, but we didn’t fuck. I couldn’t get her clothes off.”
“At least the night wasn’t a total loss.”
“Yes, it was. What happened last night was something I would rather not have experienced. I was being genuine to a woman that I was attracted to, wanting to have a good time, and she was acting the whole time like she was starring in a movie. She saw me as a piece of shit. The whole thing was completely fake. This whole city is fake. I don’t know why you keep coming back.”
“Because I see them as the bitch they are. In this city one person is always doing the scamming. So if you’re not scamming her, which last night you were not, then you get scammed.”
“I understand that, but I don’t want to be in a place where that’s the reality. I prefer the fantasy world of women wanting to have sex with you just because they like your sense of humor or personality. My culture is different.”
“I already told you I’ve been burned here many times. One time I take home a girl and when I come out of the bathroom she made two drinks. She made a toast ‘to our health.’ All I remember next is waking up the next morning with the worst headache of my life. She stole my phone and passport. Another time some guy on the street stole my passport, and then there was the girl who stole my laptop.”
“Jesus,” I said.
“Yeah but it’s part of the game. You fuck her before she fucks you. I’m good at this. Well, at least now I am.”
“You were walking directly into a trap on Wednesday night, dragging me with you. I saved your ass,” I said with a laugh. “Are you sure you’re good at this?”
“Last night I was good!” he said, smiling broadly.
When our burgers came I realized why Luigi loved Riga so much: he was a scammer himself. He got joy out of tricking girls at their own game, even though he had lost the game many times. For him the fun wasn’t just fucking a girl, but tricking her in the process. He made me feel prudish in that I wanted to be honest and just have some fun sex without any scams, tricks, or money attached.
“So what do you want to do tonight?” he asked.
“Sleep. I’m tired.”
“When I walked by Scandal there were some people inside. Let’s just go for a drink.”
“Oh, no, I’m completely done,” I said.
“This is my last night here and you’re going to say goodbye to me in front of an American burger place? Let’s have one drink to our friendship and that’s it. Come on. I don’t want to be alone. Oh, and let me tell you some more reasons why I love America and the American dream…”
Twenty minutes later we were walking to the club. I already knew how the rest of the night would go.
The above article was adapted from Don’t Bang Latvia, a 63-page hater travel guide that teaches you how to sleep with Latvian women while simultaneously convincing you not to go. It contains tourist tips, game advice, sex stories, and hate. Click here to learn more.