The Beard Experiment

After my experience as Jesus, I thought it’d be a good idea to grow a long beard, since there is no good reason not to. I let my face grow for almost three months.

I’ve never in my life received so many complaints about my appearance. Even my family ragged on me, calling me Taliban, Ayatollah, and mullah. Every week my mom said, “Why would you want to make yourself ugly?” Among natives of this country, Jesus and Geico caveman guy were most popular. I got called Jesus about half-a-dozen times a week, mostly by strangers who thought they were too clever for their own good. Unabomber was common and I heard Rasputin once.

The fun part was the stares. People would gawk at me and break their neck to do double takes. Adults would tug on their friends and point at me. I was a rock star. This made going out at night easier because girls approached me more. They came for the beard and stayed for my personality. But those same girls would say, “Why would you want to make yourself ugly?” They found it impossible to comprehend why I wouldn’t look in a way to attract them best, since that’s all I should be living for. But overall the intimate attention I got from girls remained the same. I looked like a homeless bum but girls still wanted to fuck me.

In the end I had to end the experiment because I felt like I was wearing an itchy mask. When I shaved it off I had trouble recognizing the reflection staring back at me. So this is how other people see me. While I’m lucky to be blessed with the genetics to make a monster beard, I don’t think I’ll do it again.


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