These shoes… these shoes are so adorable. They look just like the ones I saw Kim Kardashian wear, and at only $120, it would be foolish not to buy them. So much shoe fashion is derivative these days that it’s a delight to find a pair that is so stylish.
This dress… this dress is so sexy. The fabric is durable yet light, and it will perfectly match my black blouse for Lisa’s birthday party this week. It’s hard to find a skirt that accentuates my curves while not making me look fat.
This iphone… this iphone is a beautiful gadget. It’s so well-engineered and intuitive to use. It even matches my wardrobe. I wish Steve Jobs didn’t die so he could continue making electronics with such a pleasing appearance.
This tapas restaurant… this tapas restaurant makes eating feel like a sin. The presentation whets my foodie palate and the taste is divine. I can’t wait to give this establishment five stars on Yelp after uploading photos of my meal to Instagram.
This man… this man is so gorgeous and sexy. I wish I could have him inside me. I hope he flirts with me instead of all the ugly losers who try and talk to me every day on the internet.
This song… this song is the best I’ve heard in years. It’s not like the garbage I hear on the radio. It has a wonderful melody that makes me feel happy and relaxed.
My body… my body is fine as is, in whatever size and shape it happens to be in at this moment. In 2013, the female form transcends all rules of beauty. My short hair, bad skin, belly fat, tattoos, and piercings all make me beautiful because I say they do. The beautiful aesthetic is me, and I am beauty, because I am a confident, modern woman.
The standard of beauty does not apply to me, because as long as my heart beats, I am as beautiful as every other woman who exists. We are all equal in beauty. However, your appearance must strictly adhere to my beauty taste, and it would be wise for you to take note of what I find to be beautiful if you want even a one-minute conversation with me.
The clothes I buy, the music I listen to, the restaurants I dine in, the furniture, electronics, artwork, flowers, decorations, and everything else I purchase must all abide by the rules of beauty. Long live the aesthetic for humankind and for everything else on this planet, except for when it applies to me.
Previously: The War Against Beauty