The Boner Test

This is a guest post by Samseau.

Years ago my brother ran away from home to live in Missouri with a girl he fell in love with over the internet. It was supposedly true romance, but I couldn’t understand his choice because of how ugly she was. I’m talking every branch on the ugly tree ugly. There’s no way I would be able to get it up for her.

Then one day it struck me: maybe I should envy my brother. If he could get it up for her, maybe he’s the lucky one. Here I am, stuck dealing with the “pretty girls”—and the major attitude problems and psychological issues that come along with them—wondering if I’m doomed in my search to find a decent girl to share an orgasm with.

I once had a lady friend who would write my school papers, sew my torn jeans, cut my hair, cook me dinners at her house, teach me to drive manual transmission, and ask to spend the bulk of her free time to be with me. She easily had the best personality I’ve ever encountered on a girl, and yet, I never made a move on her. It didn’t matter how great she was, but she didn’t pass the boner test.

The strength of my boner completely determines both my desire and ability to have sex. If I saw a man making out with a crossed-eye unattractive girl, I used to have the same reaction as everyone else: “disgusting.” Now I think, “She’s gross, but at least she can pass some man’s boner test.” That is what counts because all boners are equal in the eyes of god.

I used to spend most of my time chasing girls simply because they were pretty, but I’m no longer fooled. It isn’t the chick that counts, her looks, or even her personality, but the boner she gives me. It’s all about the boner. It took me a while to disconnect a woman’s beauty with my attraction for her, an evolutionary accident that has deprived me of more sexual pleasure than I care to remember.

If an unattractive cross-eyed girl could give me a pulsating hard-on, would I deny myself that satisfaction because other men might think less of me for doing her? How much should I care about everyone else’s opinions of me?

Suppose you find yourself talking to a perfectly normal girl. She’s funny, smart, and has been incredibly pleasant to you. She even bought you a gin and tonic. And then you feel it: movement in your pants that definitely wasn’t from the wind. Something, though, is holding you back: your old college friends who tagged along with you. They all have their girlfriends with them, each with a respectable rating of 7. Your girl is just a 5, if that. By making a move, your boys will think you’ve sacrificed your standards. You can already imagine their criticisms: “She’s too old for you,” “What a sloppy slut,” or “Dude, what’s wrong with her face?!” You pull back, skipping out on a guaranteed lay.

These days I think, “If she can make the little guy happy, why should I care what the big guy thinks?” No one else cares about my boner. My boys aren’t going to jerk me off after I pass on the easy lay, and my dick definitely isn’t going to jerk itself when I walk into my bedroom alone later that night. Please don’t confuse me for a chubby chaser: I estimate that 80% of my pickups are directed at beautiful girls, who are usually dehumanized whores that happen to have hot bodies which give good boners, but if I can enjoy a girl most other guys would not, am I not the luckiest man in the bar?

Do you see that girl over there who’s so disgusting that other men can’t even look at her? Well as luck would have it, she knows how to give me a boner. Not only am I going to fuck the hell out of her, but I’m going to enjoy the look of satisfaction on her face that says, “Thank you so much!” It makes me feel like a good Samaritan.

There’s only one test that matters: the boner test. Everything else is ego.

Read Next: 7 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Game Right Now

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