The Bright Side Of Traveling

I want to share an experience I had in Colombia that I finally feel comfortable talking about now. It’s one of those events where you have to wait until enough time passes for it to be totally cool and worthy of a high five instead of horrified stares.

In Cali I made friends with the taxi driver on the ride from the bus station. We got to talking and I told him that I’m here to travel, flirt with girls, check out the culture, etc. He asked me if I was interested in “an experience to remember for the rest of my life.”

“Yeah, sure,” I said. “What is it?”

“It’s sexual.”

“Prostitutes? No thanks man I don’t pay for sex.”

“But this is different. Every guy who has tried it has thanked me. I’ve had many repeat customers.”

“Some type of massage with happy ending?”

“Nope.”

“Just tell me.”

“I can’t tell you because it’d ruin the experience. You just have to trust me. Tomorrow afternoon we can go. It’s a 30 minute drive outside of town and then the fun begins.”

“What are you gonna do, kidnap me? I may be a gringo but I’m not stupid.”

“Look here at my identification. Here’s my business card with phone number and even my tag number. If you don’t trust me leave it with someone at the front desk of your very cheap hotel.”

It sounded incredibly shady, but the routine I had in Medellin made me crave something more exciting. I wanted to have a great story to tell.

“How much are we talking about for this ‘sexual experience’?” I asked.

“150,000 pesos.” $75 dollars.

“So you want me to pay for something that I don’t know about?”

“I give you 100% money back guarantee. I swear if it doesn’t blow your mind then you don’t have to pay.”

“Is it gay related in any way?”

“No.”

“You’re not going to take one of my kidneys right?”

“Very funny. Trust me you won’t regret this.” His smile revealed two missing front teeth. I figured if he successfully robbed gringos he’d have enough money to fix them.

Finally we arrived at my roach hotel. “Pick you up here tomorrow at noon?”

“Make it one. I like to sleep in.”

The next day he picked me up and we took a ride through the beautiful countryside. I brought exact change so if he wanted to rob me he wouldn’t get much. I was nervous but after spending so much time in South America I like to think I can judge men based on short interactions with them. The taxi cab driver seemed a little shady, but who isn’t?

We finally pulled over on a dirt road. I looked around and saw a couple old farms with grazing animals—horses, cows, and sheep.

“Now the fun begins,” he said. He pulled out an old issue of Penthouse and told me to “get excited.” I looked through the pages but I’m so used to triple anal HD video clips that it wasn’t doing anything for me. He told me to follow him and we took a ten minute walk onto a large field with gentle slopes.

“Do you like anything you see?” he said.

“The grass is nice.”

“No silly. The sheep. Take your pick.”

“To do what? Shave them? I already did that on an elementary school field trip.”

“No to fuck them.”

“What?!”

“You’re going to fuck a sheep. It’s the best sex you will have in your life.”

“What the fuck… I’m not fucking a sheep.”

The five sheep closest to us were pretty docile, slowly munching on grass. He then turned around, pulled down his pants, spit on his hand, and started jerking off.

“Oh dear god,” I said, looking away.

Then he found the smallest sheep and mounted her and started fucking her from behind. I didn’t want to watch for fear of catching the gay but I couldn’t look away either. It was very fascinating, in the way watching elephants with six foot cocks mate on the Discovery Channel is fascinating.

“This feels so fucking good!” He was hunched over now, resting his body on the back of the sheep as if he didn’t have any energy to hold himself up. His hands dug into the thick, lucious wool. “She’s my favorite! She knows how to please me!” He was done after two minutes and zipped up.

“That was awesome,” he said.

“I think I’m permanently damaged now,” I said.

“Haha funny gringo. Did you see the pleasure on my face?”

“Unfortunately I did.”

“This is better than a real woman. These sheep are tighter than virgins!”

“Are they Asian sheep?”

“Huh?”

“Asian women are generally very… ah never mind.”

“Look no one is going to know.”

“That’s not really what I’m worried about.” There was an awkward silence.

“So how long have you been fucking sheep?” I asked.

“I lost my virginity on one when I was 16.”

“I don’t know if that counts actually.”

“Counts for what?”

“Losing your virginity. Anyway I’m not doing this. Even if you paid me I wouldn’t do it.”

“She likes the sex. Don’t be stupid.”

“Are you sure? I really doubt sheep cock is as big as human cock, though from what I saw yours is probably close to what she’s used to. Still, it can’t possibly be pleasurable for them.”

“Are you kidding? Did you see the look that she gave me? You think a male sheep can give it to her like I did?”

“I guess not. But look I wrote a book on game. If it got out there that I fucked a sheep for money then my paperback sales would slip at least 20%.”

“Yeah but you’ll still have your ebook sales. Fuck it man, just do it. You’re in South America for adventure right? Or are you the typical gringo who comes here because you think Colombian women will throw themselves on you because you speak English? That didn’t work so well for you, did it? Well this sheep is your fucking adventure, now stop being a pussy and get yourself laid. And remember my 100% moneyback guarantee. I haven’t had a single gringo use it so far.”

I thought of the last woman I had sex with, a student at the local university. She had creamy skin, a huge ass, and big titties. But she dumped me because I wouldn’t commit. A vicious cold streak followed. It’s been two months since I penetrated anything but my calloused hand.

“You know this is animal abuse, especially since I’m like a baby’s arm.” I took a deep breath. “Wow I don’t believe I’m going to do this.”

“Yeahhhh that’s my boy! Okay here’s some tips. Sheep have less lubrication than human women, so you have to spit a lot on your junk to get it nice and wet. Then just lift her little tail and enter heaven.”

“Is she going to kick me in the balls or something?”

“No just creep up on her slowly. Be gentle initially, then give it to her like you know she wants it. All sheep are sluts, though they won’t admit it.”

“Right. And how about STDs? Is there sheep herpes?”

“No it’s clean. I’ve never contracted anything. So do you want me to watch or…”

“Why would I want you to watch?”

“I don’t know… some gringos get off on that.”

I went up to the tallest sheep so I wouldn’t have to hunch over much. I pulled down my pants all the way and trotted over to her. I vigorously stroked my penis to get it hard while spitting constantly. The lubrication was decent because I had a couple glasses of orange juice for breakfast.

I got behind her and gently stroked her surprisingly large body. It was like an oil barrel. Her wool had quite a bit of particulate matter from sleeping on the ground or whatever it is that sheep do. I lifted her tail and saw her vagina. It was pink like a human vagina, maybe even pinker. Then I mounted her, easing my big penis inside.

It was a beautiful sensation.

“That’s my boy!” said the taxi cab driver.

“Dude I said don’t watch. This is humiliating.”

“Okay sorry. But give it to her hard! They like it rough!”

“Should I pull her hair?”

“No actually they don’t like that. Her vaginal muscles will squeeze your dick right off!”

I started pumping slowly but then I just went to town. The feeling was incredible—twice as tight as a normal human vagina. I held on to her wool for balance and leverage. All her hair was comfortable to grasp, and at that moment I knew exactly how it felt like for girls to have sex with me.

“Oh boy I better slow down or else I’m gonna… never mind too late!” I doubled my thrusting action and ejaculated inside the sheep. It was the best orgasm I ever had in my life. I stumbled backwards and pulled up my pants, then sat down on the grass, confused.

“Nice, no?” he said.

“Yeah that was… incredible… but… wrong.”

“It’s hard on you mentally the first time but you get used to it.”

“Well since I’m here, let me rest for a couple minutes so I can go again. I can tell she wants more.”

“Oh sure, but that’s going to cost extra.”

“What do you mean?”

“Another 50,000 pesos for a second go.”

“What are you, her pimp? I only brought the exact amount.”

“Sorry that’s the deal. The owner of these sheep and I have a business agreement and I don’t mess around when it comes to business. But we can come back tomorrow.”

“No but come on just one more go. I have money in the hotel.”

“Sorry no can do. I think it’s time to go. Do you want a minute to say goodbye to her?”

“Say goodbye?”

I didn’t know what the protocol was. Should I pet her a little and say I achieved orgasm? She did seem to be giving me “ojitos,” as they say in Spanish. Maybe I made her orgasm as well, for I did feel a little vibration through her toned body.

I walked up to her but had trouble maintaining eye contact. “Uhh, I have to go now. So bye.” It was as awkward as any other one night stand.

It turns out that sheep fucking is in my Turkish blood. All over Turkey there are rural men who fuck sheep instead of real women, and now I know why. It’s one of those things where you shouldn’t bash it until you try it.

The taxi cab driver high fived me and I gave him the money. He drove me back to the hotel and said, “Tomorrow again at one?”

“Make it twelve,” I said.

I stayed in Cali an extra week than I had planned.

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  • Orin I

    Didn’t Tucker Max write a similar April Fool a few years back?

  • http://www.entropypua.com/ Entropy

    Tucker did it first… ;)

  • College Game

    Good one, quite the effort into this one though. April fools.

  • The G String Proclamation

    Tucker

  • Defecator Den

    u homo?

  • Brian
  • Anonymous

    Reading that hurt my eyes… I call April Fool’s!

  • http://alpharivelino.wordpress.com/ Rivelino

    Realized the date halfway in. Well-written.

    Rivelino’s last blog post: DHV DHV DHV.

  • Pete

    Stole this from Tucker Max brother.

  • http://roissy.wordpress.com roissy

    “on a scale from 1 to 10, if 1 is hairlessness and 10 is thick luxurious sheep wool, how hairy do you like your men?”

    roissy’s last blog post: Game Is Pushing Me Away From Love.

  • sdkjfas

    It’s been fun watching you degrade emotionally and intellectually over the years, but now you’re down to stealing other people’s stupid jokes that weren’t even all that funny in the first place. We expect more from you

  • http://therookiedc.wordpress.com/ The Rookie

    do the sheep like trains?

    The Rookie’s last blog post: Welcome.

  • Chris

    I think this ones real.

    Roosh posted the fake toe amputation story to throw us off, so that we wouldn’t know what to believe. Then he could admit to this even more fucked up but real story, and laugh because we’ve been preconditioned for disbelief.

    A double cross April Fools joke, if you will.

    Every sheep-fucker I’ve ever met has been smart and hilarious, and you, Roosh, are no exception.

  • Anonymous

    April Fools.

  • Travel bug

    This was your first time fucking a sheep???

    Have you ever tried LAMB???!

  • Peter

    “No just creep up on her slowly. Be gentle initially, then give it to her like you know she wants it. All sheep are sluts, though they won’t admit it.”

    Hmmm…. Sounds like DC Women

    Looks like we have a bonus chapter for Bang titled “When all else fails”

  • speakeasy

    Hah, he had me until about half way through.

  • billy

    why are you fuckheads saying april fools? This was real.

  • Anonymous

    This is so twisted. Love it.

  • http://declineofgenius.com/ Genius

    Even though it isn’t true, it’s still funny. Nice one.

    On another note, religious Jews in Israel who keep kosher will not buy sheep to eat from their Arab neighbors because they are known to abuse the sheep in this way, and doing so renders an animal unfit to be eaten according to Jewish law.

    Genius’s last blog post: More Stupid Boss Tricks.

  • Evan

    Not your best April Fool’s. Put the heat on in 2011.

  • Roosh

    I shoulda quit while I was ahead.

  • Anonymous

    ok…maybe not the best April fools, but still well written..and who knows you may have inspired a new generation….

  • olivherbst

    I just laughed my ass off. So f***ing funny :D

  • sdkjfas

    and to think – you could’ve been a scientist if you invested those years into smth worthwile. You canstill choose to get on the right track while you’re still young because more years will go by one way or the other.

  • Chris

    You should have combined the stories. Get AIDS from fucking a sheep, which leads to your toe being amputated… somehow.

  • mongo

    Ha ha – good one.

    There’s an Arab quote that goes like

    “Women are for duty, boys are for pleasure but goats are for ecstasy”.

  • Lovechild

    How low can you go man!

    Then, I saw the date and the comments plus there’s something too good to be true in this story!

    Almost had me fooled! While I was reading it…I was telling myself…Wow! You went from Pickup Artist to Sheep Fucker! Too much of a Downgrade! hehehe!

    Dude you should make a t-shirt like “I Like Making Love to Sheeps” or “I’m a Sheep F*cker! YEAH!” HEHEHE!

  • Big Snot

    Posts like these make it increasingly hard to read this blog at work

  • fjri

    I read it today — did not know what to think until I saw that it was published on the first of april. It’s hard to verbalize what I just went trough…

  • Anonymous

    Not funny, Roosh.

  • tom

    The only part that jumped the shark was the supposed cabbie’s remark about your e-book vs. paperback revenues. The rest is great.

  • Anonymous

    That was the sickest shit I’ve read after the dolphin molester guy. By the way, they fuck donkeys in Turkey, not sheep. Though it made it to the headlines when some sick cunt actually raped a chicken.