Written by Virgle Kent.
Hey are you a single lonely woman in Washington DC and between the ages of 29 and 70? Are you successful in your career but have a pathetic dating resume of seeming to attract twatwaffles and all-around jerks? Are your dating exploits so funny and whimsical that they always entertain your friends? Have you seen every episode of Sex and the City and relate to at least one of the characters if not all of them? Do you own a pet that was probably the last living thing to see you naked and or orgasm? Did you ever own a diary as a prepubescent little girl? Then wipe the peanut butter of your left nipple and labials and stop feeding your pets because I have just the thing for you! You should totally start a DC Dating Blog! NO seriously a new DC dating blog is what’s going to be fetch in 07!
But how do you go about starting and writing a typical cliche DC date blog or TCDCDB? Easy! Catch up on every episode of Sex in the City because this will be your cliche Bible. Now set up a blogger account. Ok now the real fun starts. First link to all the “cool” DC blogs, Wonkette, DCB, Kathrynon, DC Cookie, KassyK, RCR, and anyone else that has more than 20 readers. Second go through a flashback faze to catch all your new readers up and let them know a little about you. Introduce important characters and people in your life. In the flashback phase also talk about horrible dates you’ve been on and bad relationships you’ve been in. This of course is what will make you a TCDCDB expert on men, because you’ve dated so many bad ones that you can give advice on the good ones. But you should also have a Mr. X to reference — a long term relationship or two with a guy from the past that you were in love with but it didn’t work out, hence the reason you’re on your hopeless dating cycle. The third stage is the most important phase: “comment whore.” That’s right, you heard me, you’ve got to comment whore like nobodies business. Get yourself out there! I’m talking no less than two comments on a blog and you must hit EVERY blog on the DC blog’s blog roll. Who cares what you say. In this stage you DO NOT DARE disagree with any blogger or you’ll get stomped out like Michael Richards at an NAACP meeting. Most importantly though comment whore on other TCDCDB sites. Ok now you’ve got people’s attention.
Here’s where the real cliches come in. Start going out on dates and blogging about them. Juggle three or four at a time then when none of them works out blog about it. Most of us and Steve Wonder could see it wasn’t going to work out from the start but you had to go through it so you can get to your Carrie Bradshaw routine post. It’s the part where you show us you’re just a typical girl trying to find love in the big city of DC and how hard it is for you. The part where at the end of your post you ask redundant questions that none of us have ever heard before on date blogs. “What’s wrong with men, when does hanging out as friends become a date, why aren’t more guys chivalrous, what signs should you look for if he’s really into you”. Basically any dating question you can find in the advice column of Seventeen Magazine. But you’ve got to also be able to connect with your audience and pull them in. When you don’t hear back from a guy or you feel sorry for yourself and need advice on anything, ask your readers because they’ll know for sure. You gave a guy a blowjob on the second date and he didn’t call you back? Well you’d be surprised how many of your readers and fellow TCDCDBers have given blowjobs on the second date and not gotten a call back. You’re almost in the club just a little longer.
Pretty soon from all your comment whoring TCDCDBers will pay attention to you and start to sense you’re one of their own, and one of them will invite you out to a Blog Happy Hour. Of course you’ve been blogging “anonymously” so no one knows what you look like. The TCDCDB group will be happy once they realize you look like a cross between Roseanne Bar, Andy Dick, and Smeagol. How is that any guy would not want to date you my precious? You’re not in yet but you’ve moved up to the next level known as the depression sewing circle sisterhood (DSCS).
The way DSCS works is one TCDCBer writes some self-deprecating post because she just got played by some guy so other members and regular people who comment throw her a pity party. Since it is a cliche blog they all give cliche advice like, “cheer up girl he wasn’t good enough for you, the sun will come out tomorrow, you’ll find love when you least expect it. No man is worth you tears and the one that is wont make you cry. Ok, I think I got that last one of a fortune cookie and by the way your lucky numbers are 2, 18, 7, 45, 11, 69. So after all these comments of vast wisdom TWO DAYS LATER another girl in the DSCS will write a similar post (changing up the guy of course) with the same results and it’ll be her turn to have a pity party and leave the EXACT same comments on her blog that we just left on the first TCDCDBers blog two days ago. Once this “Folie a` deux” has spread through the whole circle next month we’ll move onto a different dating problem and repeat the whole cycle again.
Soon people will lose interest and expect you to go deeper as a writer. Fuck them this is your blog! You’re writing for you (not a cliche) so in response to this you fall back on the old TCDCB crutch, the “Too Much Information Post” (TMI). This is the post where you start talking about how much you love sex. You’ll post about your addiction to sex toys and every time you “slut out” it will be posted about with really no point to the story except to point out the fact you had sex. Hold up, you have a pulse and a libido, great welcome to the human race! You’re kind of like Samantha from Sex in The City except half her age but twice as fat. It wouldn’t be that bad if something funny happen. Like the other week when Pretty Ricky was hooking up with this chick and her cat came up and clawed his balls, so he kicked the cat off the bed but the girl freaked out on him and accused him of “attacking” her cat so she kicked him out of her house. It was the first time ever he left a girl with not only blue but also red balls. See how easy that was?
Once your audience gets tired of your sex story you’ll move on to some other awkward story that no one really wanted to know about. Like that one time you got raped by nine Mexicans behind 7/11 and contracted EHV-1 (Equine Herpes). Or how during your senior year in high school you had to have five abortions. Basically something you should only share with your psychiatrist, priest, or family. Congratulations you’ve sold your soul to have a popular TCDCDB blog! You’ve made it now kiss the ring and take the third seat on the right?
Sometimes I feel like TCDCDBers are capable of being in normal lasting relationships but choose not to be. I mean if they put in half as much energy into the actual relationships as they did into blogging about the relationship they might have better luck. But then what would happen if they actually got into a happy relationship is no one would have a reason to read their blog. I mean their whole blog identity has been built on the pursuit of failed relationships and once one works what will they have to write about? NO ONE wants to read a relationship blog where someone posts about how happy they are 24/7.
Ever since Kathrynon and CircleV went down it’s as if the female DC blog scene is experiencing a dark age in creativity, spontaneity, and pure humor. I swear if it wasn’t for the intellectual stimulation mixed with incredible cynicism of Brunch Bird or the layered poetic movements of Speak Easy a.k.a. The Blog Prodigy, I would have blown my brains out all over my year end financial reports from boredom. I know there are PLENTY of talented female bloggers out there but I swear to god if I read one more post about the DC ban on smoking or how fucking awesome 2007 is going to be I will lose my shit.
Before you hit Post stop and ask yourself the following questions.
1. Have I seen this talked about on Sex in the City?
2. Did something like this happen to another female blogger on her date blog?
3. I’m I blogging about this because I’m upset or angry at the moment?
4. In the grand scheme of things will anyone care?
5. If I died alone in my apartment how long would it take for someone to find my body?
6. Would I want to read this and would I find it the least entertaining?
7. If I were going to blog about sex, would anyone REALLY want to see or think about me naked?
You can read VK’s other guest appearances here and here. I have a feeling he will return soon, but that’s just my gut talking. I do not have any real information that would warrant such a statement.
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Oh baby boy, the fall out from this one is going to be bad.
As someone that doesn’t write a dating blog (that would mean I would have to actually submit myself to a date), all I can say for those that do is…ouch.
BUT as someone that won’t blog details of my personal sexual/love experiences…I just wrote a post why that is for today. Irony? Hmm.
BUT Don’t hate bc I love sex & enjoy discussing vibrators…vibrators are fun dammit!! You will just never hear what I do with it.
Also–I may talk too much about my emotions & feelings…I was just waiting for you to talk about that and you didn’t. I guess naked openness in that sense is ok with VK?
Between the horrible Sex & the City rip-off dating blogs and blogs like this, — which also survive on cliches despite how much you seem to believe that’s not true…you know, the “I’m a cool guy because I bang a lot of women, and I really don’t care that I can’t grow up enough to have an actual relationship (and of course, it’s all the fault of women)” blog — the blogging scene is really in DIRE need of an injection of creativity. I used to read these blogs because the first couple of times you read them, they seem new and interesting. By the time you get to 1000 posts about THE SAME THING, it’s getting old. I will be exercising my freedom not to read both of these kinds of blogs in 2007. They’re so over.
I’ve seen that Velvet bird, mate, and you better believe she looks “like a cross between Roseanne Bar, Andy Dick, and Smeagol.”
VK – you’ve got a career in guest writing here…I might even entertain the thought of having you guest write on my site.
Please start your blog up again. Great posts like this are why you are missed…
Wow. VK, whats with the Sex and the City obsession? It seems that you are more preoccupied with the show than “an average single lonely woman in DC between the ages of 29 and 70″. Hmm…
Thanks for the nod, my friend. I think.
And Liz is right – SO over.
That. Was. Hilarious. Spot on, dude.
heh heh. Great post.
Holy shit. Hilarious.
Liz: For over TWO YEARS you’ve been whining like a miserable hag… PLEASE GO AWAY.
Very special. Something very special indeed from the young lad. Quite possibly the post of the year!
the link to the post was broken in my rss reader (Google).
VK, if you need reading suggestions hit me up. I’m too lazy to type ‘em here. But there is a lot of good stuff out there, just gotta look a little harder for it.
You being naked is always ok with VK. But openness is cool as long as it’s in the search for truth or in self-realization. Anything just for hits or shock value gets played out sooner or later.
Fall out? Girl please, I’m like Teflon I got this. I mean everyone should be able to laugh at themselves. I laugh at myself every time I take off my pants.
Don’t listen to Rooshy, he’s just being grumpy.
I have a thing for miserable hags. Why don’t you stop by the crib aka the cockpit and let me spoon-feed you some Metamucil. Then we can make out.
Now, now be nice. Comments like that will not be tolerated around here.
But on the other hand Big Headed Rob’s wife looks like Margaret Thatcher’s asshole.
You might ?entertain the thought? girl getting a guest post from me is like getting a track from Timbaland. I’m kind of a big deal?.. ;)
Rudy and Blitz, and anyone else
I know it’s been tough to sit back and watch something you love crumble. But you’re either part of the problem or you do something and try to become part of the solution. If you’d e mail me I might give you some news. email@example.com?. Make up a fake name for all I care.
Are you trying to say something?? Hmmmm
You welcome for the nod my friend I think?
Thanks. It was my pleasure to step up and tell a joke here and there
Yeah I know for real. I had to edit some things out though. I’m not at my blog weight but I’m getting there
You’re my hero
You should see me when I’m off heroin. Best post of the year??? I’ll go with funniest.
VK – Well said brother.
Murdoc – Hostile much? What did she ever do to you? I think she’s cute as a bug…and I think VK would agree…hmmm?
Roosh – Sorry. Not trying to dominate your comments. Been lurking a while and I especially liked this post.
-Anon4Now (lest you think I’m just whoring it out for traffic to my new site)
Cute as a bug? Wot? A cockroach, maybe
Thanks for the holla. Your hilarious rant is really makin’ me miss my old bloggin days (sniff, sniff).
Dude- I live in new york and you couldn’t have been more cruel than that, using this blog as a passive aggressive platform. That seems SO beneath you- you, who hates all sex and the city blogs.
Way to jumpstart the DC blogger feud- email me sometime and I can catch you up on all the petty NYC blogger feuds. I could say some things about all the big players- including the ones- you, Virgile Kent comment whore on. Pandering to the blogger masses, you all do it so stop pretending you don’t care.
Get over all of it. Coming from someone who lives(yeah, I live with a Gawker employee) with the crappy Gawker crowd- 24/7. All bloggers are self-absorbed and insecure people who live behind the internet to act out their deluded boring lives or pretend they are writers. I am sorry, unless you get paid to do it- you are not a writer. Once you are willing to accept that, then maybe you might be someone actually worth the time in person. And that goes for you too.
Other than that- I thought you guys were supposed to come to blogmukkah in nyc. I kept a look out for you because White Dade said you and Roosh were going to make appearances. Very disappointing.
Wait- and all this because you didn’t get ass???? That’s absurd- haven’t you read TAN’s blog on blog crime- check January 2006 archives. You don’t fuck someone who’s later going to write about it- first rule of blogging.
Whew, glad I started my dating blog long ago or I would think you were talking about me. Heh. Plus I never talk about sex. Bor-ing.
Somehow, this seems quite fitting.
“All bloggers are self-absorbed and insecure people who live behind the internet to act out their deluded boring lives or pretend they are writers.”
Now that’s a blanket statement that can keep you warm at night.
[...] TO ALL THE CARRIE BRADSHAW wannabes out there: Please remember that “Sex and the City” ended its run on HBO many years ago. Once you have come to terms with this fact, please read this beautifully constructed thinkpiece written by Virgle Kent (posted on RooshV) that contains language and content that might be upsetting to sensitive eyes and/or self-esteems about how to start a “successful” dating blog. There’s an easy formula to follow. Here’s an excerpt:Introduce important characters and people in your life. In the flashback phase also talk about horrible dates you’ve been on and bad relationships you’ve been in. This of course is what will make you [an] expert on men, because you’ve dated so many bad ones that you can give advice on the good ones. But you should also have a Mr. X to reference — a long term relationship or two with a guy from the past that you were in love with but it didn’t work out, hence the reason you’re on your hopeless dating cycle.Good luck! Photo courtesy HBO » “The Female Date Blog … What’s Hot in ’07″ [RooshV] [...]
“You don’t fuck someone who’s later going to write about it”
you’ve potentially ruled out fucking anyone with a rudimentary understanding of the internet and a little free time.
best bet is to stick to dating those who are too busy doing regular people things to bother with setting up a blog and airing dirty laundry.
enjoyed reading this post. i hate listening to girls whine. any chance you could post some direct links to any particular blog postings in question? reading that would make me laugh and smile :)
[...] Welcome RooshV Readers! After reading the post that’s spiking traffic this afternoon you’re likely either foaming at the mouth with rage or just plain curious. I mean wow. I thought Mlle. Cutler could do wonders for a girl’s traffic stat-based esteem, but something tells me that VK’s going to replace her as my favorite person this month. And I genuinely like him, too, so that’ll be nice. So everyone calm down, grab a toddy, warm your feet by the fire, and enjoy plundering the archives. You might start with the Why the Terrorists Hate Us list at lower right, or perhaps one of the posts the kids seemed to like. Like this one or this one. In any case, please just put everything back where you found it and turn the lights off when you leave. [...]
Wouldn’t it make sense that a dating blog be written by someone who is married? Crazy you say, but I would argue that someone who is married and happy is someone who has won the dating game. Most people writing these Date Blogs, and I hate to say it, but First Date DC was one of them, are people who have been, and are, complete failures at dating. In some cases like Roosh, it appears to be on purpose, but for most of the women, it’s just a long trail of failure.
Failure and nights with a vibrator. And no, I don’t care if you’ve had some long term relationships in the past, because they don’t exist anymore, do they? So you still failed, it just took you longer to fuck it up.
Makes Sense – Misery loves company. It’s like the evening news, “if it bleds…it leads.”
Murdoc – I haven’t forgotten about you…go bug yourself!
Roissy – What? Why would you assume everyone posts their sex life in public? Who would give a shit? I don’t talk about who I fuck to anybody. I don’t loudly announce what I had for lunch or what color underwear I’m wearing, either. Just because you’re internet savvy doesn’t mean you think everyone wants to see your diary.
Oh, wait, we’re talking about girls here. Well, best you can do, don’t let her have the pictures.
I think you got some VERY VERY VERY ban information. I know the post you speak of and it’s funny it’s down now.
I will e mail you though and forward you some interesting e mails between said blogger and I. It’s funny though because I know you don’t know me yet Alice. I don’t comment whore, If I respect a bloggers work I comment out of that. TAN is cool peoples and White Dade is my man 50 grand. oh and KC is my boy that I talk to at least twice a week so I already know NY blogger dirt EVERYTHING trust me on this ;)
2007 = the year of the VK
Makes sense–There is something wrong with enjoying masturbation? Even if you are getting laid on a regular basis by someone you are with?
Apparently I missed the class where we were taught that you have to be married to enjoy sex, masturbation and sex toys OR that you have to want to be married in order to be a successful person.
Phew–I was confused that it was 2007. Sorry, back to 1954…right where you came from.
Grazie- Blogging is all about blanket statements and fucking each other of course.
My comments weren’t meant to be offensive- including to my own roommate, who has read this and I told her about it, I am just saying that we all take ourselves a little too seriously. Come on folks, it’s just the internet. At the end of the day, it’s a girl standing before a boy asking him to love her.
P.S. A Gawker peon is passed out drunk in my bed right now.
VK come rest your weary and worn nut sack on my stubbly chubby chin.
I promise not to blog about it.
[...] Virgil Kent, guest writing on Rooshv, takes on the dating blogs or, as he writes, the typical clich? DC date blog aka TCDCDB’ers. [via Read Express and Erika] Sometimes I feel like TCDCDBers are capable of being in normal lasting relationships but choose not to be. I mean if they put in half as much energy into the actual relationships as they did into blogging about the relationship they might have better luck. [...]
So clearly, I’m a little slow on the uptake this week. As we’ve had those 35 comments already, I’m I’m just now reading this. sheesh.
But this is just perfect and hilarious. And I’ve missed it. Back for good soon?
Why does everyone from new york think they are at the center of the universe? really annoying
like the shit that happens there doesn’t happen elsewhere in the world
I am a total “comment whore”.
Does this mean I have a Dating Blog?
Well that was just classic and delicious. Bravo, VK.
Phil – everyone DOES want to date…Wayne. So yes, you do. :-)
Have absolutely missed this sort of thing, though I must admit I would completely fail at writing a dating blog, so I guess I can’t really have an opinion either way.
And bah for not being able to write about being happy – it makes it much harder to think of what to write at all.
Haha! I Hope VK starts blogging again soon. That was great. I’m glad I don’t blog about dating, but I totally do the comment whore thing from time to time.
As a dog owner, I found the peanut butter remark at the beginning of the post vomit inducing – yet funny.
Nice post, just needs a few more acronyms…
This has got to be one of the funniest things I have read in a LONG time. Thanks for shaking up the DC blog scene!
And then if blogging about dating gets old, you turn to blogging about some good-looking, well-hung but penniless bartender or artist dude you call “The Boy” who lives with you and mad sexes you in between your law school classes and outings with the girls.
Oh, and by the way, he does all the cooking and cleans your apartment, too. Naked except for his apron.
Now, that’s pretty damn DC, ain’t it?
blogexcess- an accumulation of blogs approaching the zenith of one blog per inhabitant, indicative of the overwhelming arrogance present in the community from whence they are generated
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