This is a guest post by Giovonny.
Finding venues or situations where you have even a small edge translates into a lot more bangs over the long run. This is why “find your niche” advice is so common to see. While it’s important to work on your look, game, vibe, and conversational skills, it’s also critical to carefully select a social environment that gives you a competitive advantage. I call this fishbowl selection.
In any fishbowl, the bigger fish monopolize the food supply. The inability of smaller fish to compete often lead to their deaths, which is why it’s much more common to see small fish than large die in the same tank. Luckily we’re not fish, so we can choose which fishbowls to swim in.
In each fishbowl you’re directly competing with other men even though it may not be obvious on the surface. Are you putting yourself in environments where you have the advantage? Are you in fishbowls with girls who are looking for a guy of your type? Or are you putting yourself in fishbowls with aggressive piranhas that are outcompeting you for food?
It doesn’t make much sense to socialize with girls who don’t appreciate men with your look, style, and vibe. Same for competing against guys who have large advantages over you. If you continually find yourself in that situation, it’s time to find another fishbowl. Here are three things to keep in mind:
1. Location is everything. Choose venues that give you a game advantage. It should match your personality and style as well as your game skill level. The crowd, lighting, music, and noise level should all allow you to display your best game and nothing less. Understand that not everyone has the type of game that works in a loud club. In that case the solution may be as simple as going to a smaller or quieter bar. Or maybe your modest style and job mean you should hang out in the working class part of town instead of the trendier areas. You should be going to places where you have a comparative advantage over other men.
2. Be wanted. What type of girls are looking for a guy like you? Are they light-skinned black college girls? Educated white girls? Working-class Latinas? Artsy girls? Party Girls? Vegan girls? Identify the types of girls that you connect with—the girls that “get” you and appreciate you—by trying out a variety of venues and noting how you’re treated.
It’s important to choose locations where the girls like your style and will respond to your type of game. If you’re a tall white guy with blonde hair, maybe you should focus on the salsa clubs where you’re more likely to stand out than the Irish pubs where most guys look like you.
3. Commonalities. If you meet a girl who shares your interests, you’ll obviously be able to connect with her much easier. If you are an academic type who likes intellectual conversation, don’t waste your time at a bar full of girls who like frat guys. Instead you would do better at bookstores, coffee shops, college libraries, organic markets, museum events, and running clubs. What are your interests? Which places have girls who have those same interests? Go to those places.
I definitely use the fishbowl concept to help me in my dating life. When I turned 21, I couldn’t wait to go to the hottest nightclub in San Francisco that had girls who were the “cream of the crop”—the most beautiful ones in the city. Of course this club also attracted plenty of local professional athletes and celebrities. I put on my best clubbing clothes, waited in line for half an hour, and paid thirty bucks to get in.
That was retarded, because I couldn’t compete or operate in that environment. My clothes were nice and tasteful, but they were from Sears. My conversational skills were strong enough to get girls talking to me, but I wasn’t getting a strong sexual vibe from any of them. The girls at that club were not looking for a guy like me—they were looking for men with power and status. I was in the wrong place.
The very next night I went to a local college bar. People knew me. My appearance fit in more with what girls were looking for. I had some status. That night I met a girl who played soccer at the same college that I went to. She took me home, all because I wasn’t a little fish in the college bar fishbowl.
As I’ve gotten older and improved my game, I’ve identified places where girls are most receptive to me. As a health nut, that means I do well in health clubs, health food stores, college fitness classes, outdoor athletic events, and farmers markets. Those are my fishbowls where I’m bigger than most of the other fish. You’re either a predator fish or a little goldfish struggling for a meal, having to settle for partially digested scraps left by a fish stronger than you.
So which fishbowls are you swimming in?