A few weeks ago my girl and I rented “A Streetcar Named Desire.” For you non-movie buffs, one of the most famous moments in movie history occurs in that film: when Marlon Brando lets out an unforgettable mating call to his wife Stella from the bottom of his animal heart (“Stellllaaaaa!!”). She responds to his passionate, lusty cry and he literally carries her over his shoulder in their bedroom. The next morning, Stella’s sister Blanche (played by Vivian Leigh, Gone with the Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara) is asking how Stella could be with such a brute like Brando, but Stella is just glowing and purrs about how he was “as gentle as a lamb.”
What got my attention was the glow on Stella’s face. Her look of sexual satisfaction was unmistakable. Her face clearly said, “I got it good last night!” It was actually pretty surprising to see that so obviously portrayed in a 1951 film, back when I thought women weren’t supposed to know what good sex was, you know, before the sexual revolution and all. But clearly they knew damn well and it seems the rest of the world knew too.
The scene got me thinking about the women I have dated. If I say so myself, I have noticed that women I have dated definitely glow brightly when things are hot and heavy. And I don’t mean right after, I mean all the time. One woman, after a few weeks into our relationship, actually started getting asked by her female friends, “What are you doing for your skin?? You are glowing!”
I started to wonder just how universal a phenomenon this glow is? Can one look at a woman and tell if she is getting it good or not just from the presence or absence of a glowing look on her face? So decided to I performed a little informal experiment. For one week, every morning I carefully observed the women I saw on the way to work, both in the street and on the Metro. I would look for women who have The Glow. I figured morning was the best time, because it would be ‘the morning after’, whereas later in the day her mood and face could be more heavily affected by the stress of her job. What I found surprised me:
Number of Women Observed: Hundreds
Number of Women who Glow: 19
Average Number Per Day: 3.8
Number of Women over 30 who Glow: 0
Number of Women who Look Dull, Tense, and Gray: Too many to Count
I’m serious. And people, we’re talking crowded morning commute on the Red Line here, we’re not talking about a stroll down a country lane. What does this data mean?
Hypothesis 1: It could mean the women of Washington, with rare exceptions, are not getting it on the regular, at least on weeknights.
Hypothesis 2: It could mean that the women of Washington are getting it, but the getting ain’t no good.
Hypothesis 3: It could mean the theory that there is a relationship between sexual satisfaction and a glowing look is bullshit. But I like the theory, so I reject this hypothesis.
Assuming there is indeed a relationship between sexual satisfaction and the glow on a woman’s face, does this imply the women of Washington are sexually repressed? Does this imply the men of Washington are lame in bed and can’t satisfy a woman to save their lives? And what’s with women over 30? Not one women who looked to be over 30 appeared anything other than dull and lifeless. Are these married women who long since lost the passion? Or are these spinsters who wait in vain for that perfect man?
Whatever is going on, the women of DC do not look like happy people. I don’t know whether to prescribe these women a good therapist, a good anti-depressant, or a good stud lover. But some type of mass intervention is clearly needed for the benefit of all.