The Perfect Game

Arthur had been fascinated with seduction since high school. He didn’t care for its application as much as filling his brain with ideas and lines that were sure to come in handy when he encountered the girl of his dreams. He could effortlessly break down various schools of game and give you a detailed timeline of the rise of the seduction community that peaked with the release of The Game. He also had a deep grasp on the sociological reasons for game’s effectiveness and how the feminist movement provided the fertile soil for it to grow. But if you asked him to approach a girl, to harness the knowledge he knew so well, he would comment that the girl’s index to ring finger ratio was off, that her chin was uneven, or that the beast of hypergamy rages within her. The circumstances were never quite right for him to apply the knowledge he spent so much time accumulating.

Once in university, Arthur gravitated towards the field of psychology. Since the job market was weak upon earning his bachelor’s degree, he enrolled in a master’s program. He noticed there were almost no psychological studies conducted on game, so he decided to research basic game tenets in the hope that it would bring him positive academic attention and maybe even prestige.

His first published paper was titled “Production Of Female Attraction Units: 5 Minutes Of Alpha Versus 5 Years Of Beta.” Using a 352-question survey, Arthur was able to conclusively show that an average alpha male produces one unit of female attraction at a rate approximately 2,102,900 times faster than an average beta male. In layman’s terms, the amount of attraction that an alpha male creates in a 1 second devilish grin would require 584 hours of platonic cuddling by a beta male.

The paper was met with a firestorm of controversy. Arthur was prepared, publishing all his mathematical calculations online for public critique. Because of the soundness of his data, no valid objections could be made. Therefore it soon became common wisdom that 5 minutes of alpha was equal to 4.1 years of beta, as shown by Arthur’s research. His study was cited in many other papers, including one titled “Preference For Alpha Males In Homosexual Gorilla Pair Bonding,” where it was determined that 5 minutes of gorilla alpha was more potent than the entire lifespan of a beta gorilla.

The success of Arthur’s first study gave him confidence. He believed he could single-handedly advance game concepts at the university level instead of letting independent “gurus” control the flow of seduction advancement without the aid of statistics and academic rigor. He imagined seeing his name lauded as an important figure in the history of seduction, maybe even mentioned alongside the likes of Casanova and Ovid.

To begin his second study, he posted the following ad in the university student center:

Average-looking man sought in attraction study. Paid position with perimeter benefits. Must be methodical and committed with a perspicacious eye to detail.

He interviewed several potential volunteers and eventually selected Mike, a junior business major who was the treasurer of one of the more popular fraternities on campus. Mike had a generic but classic look that didn’t quite stand out but at the same time offended no one. He wasn’t good-looking, he wasn’t ugly, he wasn’t tall, and he wasn’t short; he was average.

Arthur gave him details on how the experiment would proceed. “I am researching a paper called ‘Effective Text Messaging In Opposite Sex Attraction.’ I aspire to actuate the absolute best sequence of text messages a man can remit to a woman. My objective is to achieve the highest possible likelihood of sex on the first date as scored by penile-vaginal intercourse. I selected you because your height is intermediate, your weight is intermediate, and your appearance is intermediate. I expect your results to be most applicable to the general male population.

“Obviously I can’t publicly state the experimental aim is for sexual purposes. Ergo, I will solicit for female volunteers by describing an experiment that tests for smartphone addiction. The females will attend the study, take a survey on their electronic device usage, and then be instructed to remain seated as long as possible without manipulating their phone. During this period, you will sit opposite them and partake in noninterrupted dialogual interfacement where you can converse about any topic that pleases you. When the female subject is eventually unable to resist initiative contact with her phone, or when 30 minutes is achieved, whichever comes antecedent, hand her your mobile device and declare, ‘Put your number in my phone.’”

“That’s all I say?” Mike asked.

“Yes. This is the closer line. It’s tantamount that it be absolutely identical for every female participant. We can’t control for all variables, especially since each conversational phenomenon will be distinctive, but the ultimate step before getting the number should be homogenous. If she asks you why you want to procure her number, tell her that she’s cute.”

“But, bro, how about if she’s not cute?”

“This is of no import. We must have a large sample size for the experimental data to prove statistical significance one way or the other.”

“I got a reputation on campus to maintain, though.”

“This is an opportune moment to acquaint you with the experiment’s bonus framework. You will appropriate $10 for every number and $50 for every date you attend.”

“Sweet!” Mike high-fived Arthur, who then discreetly wiped his hand on his khakis.

“Number procurement will actually be the most elementary part of the experiment,” Arthur continued. “Afterwards, we will text them a highly particular sequence of words that is deliberate in its use of ascii type-face, smiley face emoticons, and so forth. Through trial and error, we will discern the optimal sequential text stratagem that leads to dates and, by consequence, copulation.”

“So you will, like, tell me what to text?”

Arthur sighed. “Yes, you will be endowed access to a special spreadsheet that discloses what you must text along with who to deliver the text to. The spreadsheet will be automatically updated by either me or my laboratory assistant. Now what I’m about to say is of the utmost cruciality: you must not deviate from the script, not even by one character. You must deliver the texts as exactly as written, with nothing superfluous. Is that clear?”

“Yeah man! When we do start?”

“Monday at 3pm. We will aim for two female subjects a day.”

The study was conducted, almost nonstop, for one full year. Mike’s day would typically involve going to class, visiting Arthur’s lab to collect fresh numbers from unaware female guinea pigs, sending text messages, and going on an evening date. The dates themselves become formulaic. Mike would show up, offer ice cream, and then invite the girl to his dorm after a short chat, as Arthur instructed him to.

When word got out to the faculty about the study, Arthur’s old enemies appeared to criticize him for using university funds to denigrate women and create a “harem culture.” It was already assumed that the university was a rape indoctrination school, where men were freely allowed to exchange effective rape tactics and then perfect them in parties where young girls voluntarily self-empowered themselves with alcohol. The critics, however, had no effect because of Arthur’s powerful 4.1 years of beta study. It brought the university much-needed recognition and was suspected to account for its modest jump in rankings within the pages of US News & World Report. Arthur was allowed to continue his work unimpeded.

Initially, Mike had only a 10% date-to-bang success rate. Weeks went by with no improvement, no matter how furiously Arthur edited the sequence. Then at about the time when a crooked smiley face was accidentally added, Mike’s success rate jumped to an incredible 83%, and remained there for several months. He was consistently having sex on four out of five first dates, at the mere cost of an ice cream cone.

Arthur was stunned that the texting alone was creating so much attraction. After perusing the internet game literature, he could find no other man who could duplicate Mike’s results, not even the most talked about pickup artist of the moment, Ganesh Gupta, whose specialty was “intense core” seduction of women from Scandinavia and Germany.

By the time the study concluded, a total of 182 girls gave their number to Mike and a little over 100 was penetrated by his sex organ (in the final month of the study, he crushed 14 out of 15 girls). Even Mike couldn’t believe it, volunteering to waive his bonus payouts if Arthur would continue the study.

“We superceded our budget,” Arthur replied. “ I had not planned on making indemnities for your urologist visits, antibiotic medicine, and anti-wart treatment. And there was also that abortion.”

“Condoms suck,” Mike said, shrugging his shoulders.

“Perhaps, but this is the most expensive study ever performed by the psychology department.”

“Awesome!”

“Regardless, you may be pleased to know that we have captured exceptional data that reveals a Newtonial sequence with cofactorization of a stunningly high probability of sexual intercourse.”

“Say what?”

Arthur rolled his eyes, fatigued at having to repeat himself for a mind more primitive than his own. “The study was successful,” he muttered.

Arthur began to have second thoughts about publishing the exact text sequence. He knew men from around the world would pay a handsome fee for the biggest innovation in game since the neg made its first club appearance in South Beach back in 1999. He also believed the script’s incredible potency would be reduced if every guy was using it.

He wrote the study up and included many charts and graphs. All calculations went to four digits after the decimal. He broke down text reply times and Mike’s bang success rate to such an extent that he might as well have been studying atoms and not human beings. Here is the first paragraph of the resulting paper, which was fast-tracked in the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology:

The inclusion of technological devices in male-female dating has allowed social scientists to accurately computate the process of sexual attraction. Using a conventional male outline, this study intraprobes the effect of various language memal modifications during text message communication. Entitization of smiley faces, exclamation points, hanging sentences, capitalizations, and a latitude of beta to alpha tonality was experimentalized to ascertucain an optimized messaging model that elicits the most attraction pascal units from the American college female specimen, measured in instantations of fornications per 100 text messages remitted.

While the paper was being curiously reviewed in psychological circles, Arthur created a 3-page PDF document that contained the prized sequence. He then hired an internet marketer with an average vocabulary who he knew could sell to the Mikes of the world better than himself. Only after being assured by his marketer that he was going to make a “shit ton” of money, Arthur approved the following name for his product: “Hiroshima Text Messaging Explosion –  Unless You’re A Fucking Retard Who Can’t Push Buttons, You Will Get Laid With An 83% Success Rate.”

Arthur knew that by creating the Hiroshima product his university would fire him for using public funds for private gain, and maybe even sue him, so he had to make the endeavor worth his while. He decided to sell only 1,000 copies of Hiroshima for $10,000 each. That would gross him $10 million. Even after expenses, he calculated a profit of well over $9 million.

Promoting Hiroshima took only two minutes of work. Arthur’s marketer sent an email to Jezebel from a fake account stating how a “misogynist” and “likely rapist” is claiming to have a text messaging script “so incredibly powerful” that it turns women into “mindless sex zombies.” The email ended with the following sentence: “It seems impossible for consent to be achieved.” The marketer must have known that any email to Jezebel with the words “misogynist,” “consent,” and “rape” is marked with extreme priority and delivered to the smartphones and iPads of every staff writer directly underneath a large dollar sign graphic.

Once Hiroshima went viral, Arthur’s university received dozens of anonymous calls from those purporting to have evidence that he’s a pedophile and child pornographer. The university promptly fired him. Arthur never found out if it was because of the calls or because of the Hiroshima product, but it didn’t much matter to him because he was about to be a very wealthy man.

Hiroshima went on sale less than a week after Jezebel’s exposé. The most powerful server could barely handle the flood of men who were desperate to possess the script. Within eight minutes, all copies of Hiroshima were sold, in spite of a no-refund policy that Arthur decided would be prudent because of such a high-priced product. When he logged into his Paypal account to see a balance of nearly $10 million, he jumped up in the air and threw his hands up, screaming like he had just won the lottery.

Here is the text messaging sequence that Arthur developed. While it may look odd, it garnered the most amount of sex for Mike:

“Hey it mike :/  #”

“tomorrow night we @ get drink? cool yea? 8===D”

“we meet at corner of lockwood and university. Don’t be l8 lol okay? We have fun but no sex 8=======D”

One can only imagine the surprise of Hiroshima customers after paying $10,000 only to be told to send penis emoticons. Arthur anticipated a bit of shock, so most of the actual document was composed of assurances that the sequence was backed by the most advanced psychological science, and that ten attempts must be needed to get a feel for Hiroshima. Besides a handful of “This better fucking work” emails, Arthur wasn’t at all concerned.

Now that he possessed such a large amount of capital, Arthur started planning for a new experiment on how to get a one-night stand in seven minutes, without even having to speak the same language as the girl. He code-named it Nagasaki. His dream was now to be the most famous game theoretician in the world. He wanted the admiration of women because of his status and the respect of men because of his ground-breaking work.  With the astonishing success of Hiroshima, it was hard not to see that he was on the verge of realizing this dream.

 After a one-month silence from his customers, a flood of complaints began coming in.

“This is BULLSHIT, it doesn’t work.”
“My game results have gone down. Girls are laughing at me.”
“Your cock emoticons don’t work brah.”
“I should have gone to Thailand instead.”

Nearly all of his customers filed requests for a refund with either Paypal or the credit card company they used to make their purchase, despite Arthur’s insistence that Hiroshima’s power was tested and true. It didn’t matter that Arthur stated refunds were not allowed; the price was too large for customers to let go, and the lawyers among them decided to file lawsuits for misrepresentation. To top it off, his university filed a copyright infringement lawsuit because he used their logo on his sales page.

When all was said and done, he was $1.3 million in the hole. His Hiroshima money was all gone. His dream, destroyed. He was unable to get a job at any university, and was reduced to moving back in with his parents. He spent his days holed up in his room, trying to statistically analyze how it all went wrong.

The fact that not a single customer gave a positive review made no sense to him. No matter how many times he checked the math, the script was perfect. What really bothered him was that customers who were richer and better looking than Mike still had abysmal results. He calculated it should have worked at least some of the time, even by accident. If only he could understand why it failed, he could improve the sequence and try again. In the meantime, he couldn’t bear to google his name and read how people were hating on him, especially Ganesh Gupta, who referred to him as “The world’s biggest keyboard jockey.”

One day, while riding his sister’s bike across town, Arthur saw a familiar figure coming out of a coffee shop. It was Mike, who barely recognized Arthur because of how badly the stress of total failure aged him.

“It’s indisputable that you heard of what transpired,” Arthur said.

“Yeah man, that totally blows. I was surprised because I still use the same script. I’m still killing it.”

“It’s still functional for you?”

“I’m unstoppable with it. I just passed 250 notches. I’m practically running out of girls to bone in this city.” Mike laughed and took a sip of his iced coffee beverage.

“Well, you’re the singular man it gives commission for. No one else has duplicated your causatum.”

“Oh shit, I totally forgot to tell you. I did something a little different partway through the experiment. Just to spice things up, you know?”

Arthur raised his eyebrows.

“You told me to send the texts with exact wording, but you never said I couldn’t send pictures.”

“Pictures?”

“Yeah, pictures,” Mike replied. “You chose me because I’m average in everything and all, but I have a huge dick. Girls tell me it’s my best quality. Anyway, a couple months into the experiment, I started sending a dick pic.”

There was a sudden flurry of calls to emergency dispatch that afternoon, something about a deranged man with a girl’s bike attacking a pedestrian of medium height.

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