Vasectomized Man Serves Up Gigantic Ownage To American Woman

A man dates some broad. A few months into the relationship she announces that she’s pregnant and informs him that he is the father. But he was vasectomized. This story, if true, has two morals:

1. Never trust a woman, especially an American woman.
2. Never blast inside a woman even if she is supposedly on the pill. Girls are human too and they forget to take it every day.

The only pleasure in life I deprive myself of is not letting my creamy delicious sperm come into contact with vaginal tissue. But I dream about it every day. It’s unfortunate that the only way I’ll be able to continue my unprotected stroke to the very end is by sleeping with an old woman who has been through menopause.

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

I’ll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her – as I was to find out – it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the “I’m pregnant” talk. She’s going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married “for the baby”. She’s positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she’s gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I’m just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse “oops” on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can’t think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to “think about all this.” I meet her again. I say I don’t want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I’m laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a “negative test result for sperm” to show I’m sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I’m ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She’s all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly – or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. “Are you sure that this baby is mine?”

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she’s really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she’s a slut. I’m just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities… blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’m not really mad. I’m kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won’t shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, “You’re screwed”.

Her look doesn’t change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. “I am sterile”

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women’s logic. “You’re full of shit. You’re trapped and you know it.”

I hold up the letter and the test results. “Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine.”

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. “Bullshit, those are fakes.”

I was ready for that. “No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It’s a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine.”

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It’s a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

:thumbup:

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  • Shawn

    “my creamy delicious sperm”

    Now I can understand the creamy part, but how do you know it’s delicious??????? Just wondering.

  • WDH

    That post was very entertaining. Many thanks to you sir.

  • http://www.vksempireofdirt.com Virgle Kent

    You made me laugh so hard co workers are looking at me funny.

    Thanks for this one, best Friday Post Ever!

  • http://www.timetoupgrade.blogspot.com mm

    “I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.”

    That is so cold. Haha. I loved it. The whole post reminded me a bit of the Maury “Who my baby daddy” episodes. I’m addicted to that shit.

  • Anonymous

    These two assholes deserve each other. Too bad they didn’t end up getting married.

  • sm

    I don’t totally buy the story. Mostly I don’t see a guy waiting to tell a woman claiming to be pregnant by him that he’s had a vasectomy. That sort of delayed self-gratification and manipulation is something I don’t see a man doing. A woman, maybe.

    My second caution to the men out there is that vasectomies are not 100%. The guy in the story goes one step further and actually proves he’s shooting blanks. That was smart. But for the rest of you – don’t assume the woman is lying just because you’ve had a vasectomy. Make sure. Granted the use of a condom on top of that makes the chances so fricken slight. But whatever. Good story, but fiction.

  • http://jozaff.blogspot.com Jo

    Oooh I read that yesterday and cracked up. What a f*cking bitch.

    No, not all women are that way I promise. Only money-hungry-manipulating-whores like this one. Plus, it’s pretty obvious when you meet one of said women, the guy was kinda dumb not to notice it immediately.

  • BEAVE

    :laugh:Yeah, I don’t think her foolish attempts to milk him had anything to do with money. It was an oh so desperate effort to obtain the story book suburban life. So So Sad!:sad:

  • Roissy

    now *this* should be a Lifetime movie of the week.

    if true, i like what this guy did, even the revenge manipulation. it’s a collective good to hold women’s feet to the fire for fucking guys they know deep down will never be reliable providers, and i say this as someone who has frequently been the beneficiary of women’s straying. the fact is, if there were real financial and social consequences backed by legal force to getting pregnant by the unavailable badboy in the hopes that betaboy will foot the bill, more women would think twice about either blindly following the will of their vaginas or marrying the wrong type of provider who cannot keep them satisfied enough to prevent infidelity.

    btw, if you pull out and jizz on her belly be sure to wipe it off with a towel before she gets up to go to the bathroom. some are so sneaky they’ll scoop up a blob and manually insert it with their finger.

  • Anonymous

    I’m 26 and if it were cheaper to do than it is I would have a vasectomy and have some sperm frozen for children later in life. Only way to be sure.

  • inSOMnia

    I never read these long posts but this one was soo good i had to.

  • Anonymous

    Assholes seem to attract each other and it’s great because there’s nothing more entertaining than one asshole giving another asshole her comeuppance.

    Speaking of which, it’s no wonder that Roosh appears to attract his female counterparts: man-hating cunts.

  • Anonymous

    I have NO problem believing this. I had an ex tell me that she had cancer when our relationship hit the skids. Fucking CANCER. She went on and on about her treatments, so I went out and researched the hell out of ovarian cancer. I called her on the details and broke up with her. She then stated that she was pregnent, and “how could I leave her when she was sick AND carrying my baby?” She told all of our friends that she was pregnent (she’d told them that she had cancer as well…) and that I was a bastard. All I said to them was “trust me, there is NO baby”. I got called everything under the sun, but eventually, one by one, everyone figured it out. None of them will have anything to do with her to this day.

    I still see her in DC from time to time, and all I can think when I see some poor guy with her is “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!”

  • http://www.vksempireofdirt.com Virgle Kent

    Holy shit dude! The girl I’m seeing right now told me that her ex left her when he found out she had cancer and was pregnant. Then her cancer ate the baby! So she lost the baby. I think we’re talking about the same girl, what’s her name!

  • Anonymous

    ahh the good ol’ “i have cancer” trick. heard it a thousand times

  • J

    VK, I just put my email address on your site comments…just shoot me an email and we’ll see if we’re talking about the same person. Which, for your sake, I truly hope we aren’t!

  • http://mishl982.blogspot.com michelle

    that girl sure thought she was clever, huh?

  • http://www.shebangsshebangs.blogspot.com namaste

    wow

  • Ted

    great post!

    never would have believed this story until a wicked woman pulled the same trick on me 3 years ago. unfortunately if you don’t have a vasectomy it’s not nearly as much fun as this. but good for him.

  • Matt

    Although I applaud the guy in this story for his patient and calculated revenge, I feel the girl still got off too easy. Such behavior is completely unacceptable and should be criminally punishable.

  • Blog-Anon

    I would be the guy to not only NOT tell her of my vasectomy, but actually stay with her, make the engagement, AND put together the wedding.

    yadda yadda yadda

    …and i enclosed under each seat in the chapel three pieces of paper proving I could not be the father.

    And I wouldn’t even come to the wedding. I’d have a friend tape the whole thing, so that I could repeatedly watch her face transform in horror at the revelation.

  • nabeel

    man…

    crazy

  • observer

    Are you from Iran?

  • entropy

    I have to second the comment from sm.

    My best friend had a vasectomy performed after his second child at the behest of his wife. A few months later she got pregnant (so you can only imagine the accusations that flew the evening the news hit). Well, it turns out that his vasectomy had in fact healed itself — even after all of the tests stating he was sterile.

    Whatever the case, there’s no way I’m getting a vasectomy. Ever.

  • Jewcano

    These stories just go to prove that there’s only one method of birth control that is 100% effective. Women can slip with the pill, condoms can break, even vasectomies can heal back up. But only one method is 100% effective. Yes, anal.

  • LaPay

    Oh, how I love the old ‘all women are mentally defective bitches’ trope. It’s a favorite among moronic American men who want to pretend they are above all reproach. It’s so easy to see through this contrived piece of crap right to his little dick, which is shrivelled to all hell from being cuckolded.

  • mark

    Why oh why are we musicians lumped in with criminals bikers and thugs?

    And no, being in a band does not make you a musician.

  • Anonymous

    I think man trapping is equivalent to rape. We need to have some “take back the night” marches or something to create awareness. If you’re not married you shouldn’t be legally liable.

  • Anonymous

    great post.. good find. that was an awesome replacement for what was the usual friday posts of chaco talking (sucking up) about his fiance

  • Keen Observer

    Of course the most famous couple in this situation is Prince Charles & his very ex wife, Diana. I bet that must dropped like a clanger when Charles heard the news about Diana being pregnant with Harry (who’s father was a right bounder).

  • Lisa

    Not to say there is not some truth to this story….but one thing sticks out in this story as strange. They had “pretty good sex” after she has told him she’s pregnant, and he assumes that she assumes that the only reason he was wearing a condom was for the pregnancy factor. And now that he can be sure she has cheated on him, you’d think he’d be even more committed to using a condom. She would see his wanting to use a condom as a big red flag and there would have been resistance. Why do we need a condom when I’m already pregnant?….see what I’m saying? I think the basic facts may be true but the story has been embellished.

  • DrG

    The moral of this story is that one should practice abstinence!

  • james

    Hey folks, just remember it’s all fun and games until someone gets pregnant. For real. Then you have no cards to play.

  • P

    Funny story! LOL!

    No doubt the “real” father of the child is a member of the musical group, 10cc. I think 10cc is the volume of the average ejaculate. A man’s ejaculate!

    If an ejaculate is really, really, really, really, really creamy, the semen volume probabaly exceeds 30cc, 50cc, or even more. Talk about potency! Whoa! With semen volume like this, sperm banks would be offering top dollar for your virility.

    I’m not going to question the validity of Roosh’s story, and I assume what Roosh has told us is true. However, I think Roosh should have been upfront about his vasectomy right from the start. Why play along?

    All of us have an encounter, sexual and non-sexual, with disturbed people now-and-then. Most of us have the desire to flee. I certainly do. When I see a person exhibiting disturbed behavior, I am gone. I’m not gone in a week; I’m not gone in two weeks; I’m not gone in a month. I am out of there–NOW!

    From my point of view, continuing sexual intercourse with this disburbed woman would be out of the question. I’m the MASTER of where my JOHNSON goes, and I’d be practicing Masters & Johnson sexual positions with another vagina. This girl may have been a good lay, but finding another good lay is not that “hard.”

    As far as I know Prince Charles IS the father of William and Harry. The notion that James Hewitt is the father of Harry is wrong. Harry was born a couple of years before Diana was introduced to James Hewitt.

    BTW, Roosh may be the father of Harry. If Roosh had his vasectomy before 1983?, 1984?, then Roosh is not the father of Harry.

    Does Monica still live in Washington D. C.? No, not Monica Goodling. The other Monica. It sounds as if Roosh and Monica Lewinsky would be a match made in heaven.

    P

  • Anonymous

    HA HA HA!!! I love it!

  • Anonymous

    You are both going to hell. Still, there is nothing more hilarious than a conniving, intellectually vacuous, morally bankrupt, bitch getting her comeuppance.

  • Timothy

    Chris Rock joked about this, regarding the lies that men and women tell. A man will lie about being at his boy’s house, when he was really banging another girl. A woman will lie and say, “It’s your baby.”

  • sammy

    I had a vasectomy 15 years ago in my late 20s. It was all positive except for having sore balls for a week and being dumped by a few chicks when I told them. More chicks then that have been happy when I told them.
    Most chicks I don’t tell until after I find out if they want children.
    I have had 4 follow ups in 15 years with my dick doctor and am still sterile. It does not effect your hard on. I does not cause any health problems or diseases. Its way simpler then the female tubes tied/tubal ligation surgery.
    It is possibly reversible at great cost. Or you can freeze your cum in advance for future use. I heartily encourage every male to have one.
    Your odds of becoming an accidental father are high even if one of you is claiming to be using birth control. It just takes one creampie on the one day when the birth control was “forgotten” or “failed” and youre a daddy FOREVER!!!

  • sammy

    Ive boned a few chicks that have had hysterectomies (wombs removed). They cannot get pregnant but you have to trust that they actually had the surgery. Also oral and anal can not cause pregnancy. Pulling out before jizzing in a pussy is not effective. Get the vasectomy.

  • sammy

    “I’m 26 and if it were cheaper to do than it is I would have a vasectomy and have some sperm frozen for children later in life. Only way to be sure.”

    Dumbshit, you can shop around to different docs. Its a 30 minute in office procedure and you are awake the whole time. Requires a couple of follow ups to check for sperm. Its 99.9% effective if you don’t have unprotected sex until you clear out all the residual sperm (cum 10 times after surgery before you can be sure youre sterile). It is cheap even without insurance, which will pay for it. WAAAAY cheaper then supporting a kid for 18+ years. Get a credit card or borrow the money or finance it. Best return on investment I’ll ever make.

  • sammy

    “Well, it turns out that his vasectomy had in fact healed itself — even after all of the tests stating he was sterile.”

    Then the surgeon was incompetent. The way my urologist did it makes it next to impossible for it to “heal itself” Its like a severed arm healing itself and reconnecting. Only happens in science fiction.

  • Sif

    The screwed up child support laws in this country breed this kind of gold digging bitches. IMHO child support should be for cohabiting couples only, and the woman should prove they lived together for at least 6 months. Also it should not cover the women who earn a good income (this can be determined by experts). It definitely should not cover sluts having one night stands, and DNA test should be mandatory. I see no reason for a woman who makes 40k and above to have child support.

    Family planning is the responsibility of both sides, not just the men. Feminists preach for gender equality, I don’t see how putting all the responsibility on the men and rewarding irresponsible sluts is gender equality.

  • Jman

    Fuck yeah Vasectomy.

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  • Crash

    Good thing he left when he did. Even the DNA test wouldn’t have protected him if he stuck around until after the birth. To keep single moms off the welfare rolls, some states are now sticking men with child support for “having a relationship with the child,” regardless of parentage. As for women over 30 being past the bad boy phase, not entirely. I escaped from one particularly damaged specimen that still had a bad boy fetish at 42. If it wasn’t for the sagging ass and crows feet around the eyes, you could have sworn you were talking to a teenage girl when you had a discussion with her.