Warning Signs

If I see these around a girl then I mentally prepare to be disappointed in some way…

Flip flops – “I don’t need to put effort into my appearance.”

Hybrid automobile – “I can pollute the environment with a clear conscious.”

Eat, Pray, Love – “I will read what every other girl my age reads.”

Dog – “I can only get unconditional love from an animal.”

Condoms in nightstand – “I don’t keep track of how many guys I fucked.”

iPod – “I need to be constantly distracted.”

Carryout styrofoam container – “Why cook when you can just go out and buy?”

Vitamin water or vitamins – “I will undo smoking, tanning and drinking with magic water and pills.”

Ikea furniture – “I like overpaying for something that my friends have.”

Keffiyeh scarf – “I need my individuality to be defined by others.”

Blackberry – “My career is everything I have.”

Pearl necklace – “My wedding will cost $50,000.”

Cable television – “I am a passive receptacle of corporate marketing.”

Last American girl I dated had eight of these warning signs. Last Brazilian girl? Zero.

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