Here’s an email I received recently:
I hope you’re doing well back in DC. I’ve enjoyed reading your writing, books, blog. Overall you speak well to the frustrations of contemporary American masculinity’s condition. However, there’s nothing—absolutely nothing—I enjoy more than your rants about American women. I went to an international themed rooftop happy hour last night, and though I was able to comfortably pull the hottest girl there to another bar afterwards, my overall takeaway was utter disappointment at the wasteland of the scene: washed out cougars starving for attention, fat chicks, and 3s acting like they’re 6s because they know politics and work for a think tank. Disgusting!
I guess the only upside is that most of the guys don’t have any game to speak of, and work with the sole purpose of appeasing value-inflated cows. So though I have minimal game, it does help. Even my friend who invited me to this event seemed to just accept it as reality, but as I’m sure you know it’s impossible to talk about these things with most people. Anyways, that was on my mind today, and then I saw this article in my google reader: 15 Ways To Charm Her. I couldn’t read it all the way through for fear that it might taint my burgeoning alpha identity, but I wanted to send it over your way, in hopes that it might spark a burst blood vessel in your brain.
Allow me to offer a reasonable rebuttal for each item…
1. Stand up for a lady. Actually, this doesn’t just involve chairs.
Be worth standing up for by not being overweight or sloppy. Visit the dermatologist to clear up your acne. Go to charm school if you don’t know how to act like a lady (if you were born in the United States then odds are you don’t).
2. Know that the SEC has the best football TEAMS IN THE NATION. Big 12 fan? Hmm, perhaps you should keep walking.
Develop a skill or talent of your own instead of obsessing over athletes (or celebrities) who don’t care about you, or know that you even exist.
3. Kill bugs. Delta Burke as Southern belle Suzanne Sugarbaker on Designing Women said, “. . .Ya know, when men use Women’s Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you. Oh, I just hate that! I don’t care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!”
Put on a pair of latex gloves and kill grease stains along with mold rings in the toilet bowl.
4. Hold doors open. This goes for elevator doors too.
Wear something that highlights your toned backside so I’ll look forward to holding the door open for you.
5. Fix things or build stuff. I once watched in awe as my stepfather built a front porch on the house he shares with my mother. He knew just what to do, cutting every notch, hammering every nail. The project was complete by sunset.
Fix up yourself so you don’t look like a hag when you go out.
6. Wear boots occaisionally [sic]. Not the fancy, l-paid-$l,000-for-these kind. We’re talking about slightly mud-crusted, I-could-have-just-come-in-from-the-field boots.
Wear only high heels after the sun goes down.
7. Take off your hat inside.
Grow out your hair.
8. Grill stuff.
Cook things besides chicken nuggets and Hot Pockets.
9. Call us. If you want to ask us out, don’t text and don’t e-mail. Pick up the phone and use your voice.
Why? You’ll spread your legs regardless.
10. Stand when we come back to the dinner table. ”Just a little half-stand is enough to make me melt,” my friend Stephanie says.
Suck my dick without me having to tell you.
11. Pull out chairs. Wait, that’s not all. Scoot them back in before we hit the floor.
And then swallow my load and tell me how much you loved the bleach-like taste. Please your man with enthusiasm and he may want to return the favor.
12. Pay the tab on the first few dates. ”If you ask me out, you pay,” Stephanie says. “If I ask you out, you should still pay.” Listen, guys, it’s just simpler this way.
Put out on the first date.
13. Don’t show up in a wrinkled, untucked shirt. Care about your appearance but not too much. Don’t smell better than we do. Don’t use mousse or gel. You shouldn’t look like you spend more time in front of the mirror than we do.
Don’t show up in Target flip flops. Smell good. Fix your hair up.
You should look like you spent more than five minutes in front of the mirror. You should look like you own a mirror.
14. Never get in bar fights. Patrick Swayze might look cool in Road House, but in reality, bar fights are stupid and embarrassing. You don’t look tough. You look like an idiot.
Don’t sleep with tough guys who like getting into bar fights?
15. Know how to mix our favorite cocktail JUST THE WAY WE LIKE IT. Fix your favorite too. Sit down on the porch (it’s okay if you didn’t build it), tell us how your day went, and we’ll tell you about ours.
We truly don’t care how your day went. You should feel lucky that we even acknowledged it with a nod or eyebrow raise. Enjoy our cocktail then let me ravage you in the bedroom. When we go out, act the courtesan and don’t let on that you’re a dirty girl I love to make gag.
Whether this list is humorous or not, nowhere within the post or comments does a woman chime in to share what she would exchange in order to have a man who follows each item (every other comment is “Love this!” or “OMG so true!”). Like the German terrorists in the original Die Hard, today’s woman doesn’t want to make any concessions. She will not change if you honor her demands. She wants to continue bursting with masculine attitude from her fatty pores, not possessing any redeeming skill besides paper pushing in the meanwhile, and yet still land the handsomest prince of them all. Unfortunately, they do not realize that by being poor catches themselves, they encourage men to let themselves go, too, quickening the pace at which the entire American species will be unfuckable in less than one-hundred years. In the end, women are planning to blow the roof whether the FBI helicopters arrive or not. Assholes.