A colleague of mine handed me a book written in 1970 called 365 More Ways To Say I Love You, a sequel to what I’m guessing was a successful book. It’s intended for women to better please their husbands.
Because this book is no longer in print, allow me to share some of its advice.
Be available. If you’re cooking dinner, reading a mystery, balancing a checkbook — forget it. Burned roasts, unsolved murders, and bounced checks are as nothing when it comes to keeping your man happy.
This is what I’m talking about. While I don’t look to women for happiness, I’m more likely to spend time with one who understands that my needs are just as important as hers.
Get some of that sexy new breast make-up and experiment. Beauty doesn’t stop at the neck, remember.
I’m not sure about this one. I think I’d be freaked out if I got a mouthful of rouge instead of teet.
When you’re all alone with him, don’t be shy or (heaven forbid!) inhibited. Be free to say and do anything you think might give him pleasure.
Unfortunately women have trouble understanding that if a man is pleased in bed, he will go out of his way to give that pleasure back. There should be no reason for girls to ask for pleasure before giving it first.
Try doing without the assistance of a bra — at least at home. Very sexy, this.
As long as your breasts don’t sandbag to your waists, I see nothing wrong with this piece of advice.
Make home movies for your strictly private viewing.
It’s amazing that something written in 1970 could so accurately describe what most men still want today. Too bad modern girls have so many trust issues that it takes either months of commitment or borderline alcohol poisoning to get sex with her on tape.
Ways To Say ‘I Love You’ That I 100% Agree With
Take belly-dance classes or learn to strip like Gypsy or brush up on your tap dancing. Do whatever turns him on. There are kinds and kinds of adult ed.
Hide in the closet naked when you know he’s going to hang up his tie.
On Bastille Day, devote yourself to thinking up new ways to storm his defenses.
Use his swim trunks for the flag on a sand castle you two build on the beach. Better make it a very private beach!
Forget how to say “What did you say?” Always try to listen hard the first time he says something. That business about him feeling ten-feet tall has to do with your making him think his every word is a gem.
Renew his subscription to Playboy.
Bring him some banana bread at midnight. (It’s in your cookbook under ‘B.’)
I love banana bread!
Ways To Say ‘I Love You’ That I Don’t Really Care For
Sneak out at midnight and get him three king-sized cheeseburgers at McDonald’s to celebrate the Feast of the Three Kings.
Call Pan Am and reserve seats for the easiest convenient moon flight. Might be a fun way to celebrate your fiftieth anniversary.
Suggest he grow a beard or moustache in honor of the bearded President Lincoln’s birthday.
Invite him to take you to a hamburger stand. They’re not crowded in February, and besides, they’re cheap and fun. Men love to take us out, but they hate to spend money.
Write to the head of the Institute of Linguistics at the Center for Advanced Study in Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, if you want to find out how to say “I love you” in Usarufa, White Tai, Terena, Amuesha, or Mazatec. Show the letter to your man. He’ll think you’re awfully inquisitive. But cute.
Put a note in his shorts saying that the pleasures of a temporary affair are nothing like the pleasures of living with him.
Trace his front teeth with your finger.
Offer to lick the envelope enclosing the income tax.
Tell him you’ll wear your hair in an Afro if he finds it aphro.
Put a special note inside one of his hub caps. The day he finds it, he’ll love you all over the map.
Send him a postcard saying, I’m glad you’re here a couple days before you leave for your vacation. Address it to your chosen vacation spot.
Have his best character traits set in type at the local print shop. With his name at the top and a handsome frame, he’ll love it.
On Armistice Day, patch up the slightest quarrel you might have had with a Western Union I-Didn’t-Mean-It-Gram.
Thirty-seven years later and we’re in a different time where treating men well and catering to their needs is seen as old-fashioned and archaic — but I know that the current system of pumping and dumping (by both sexes) into your 30’s and 40’s to hold out for a perfect mate is one that will lead to the destruction of our species. Unless you want to make pumping and dumping the end and not just a means, like me, you’re probably better off just marrying the first person who accepts you and your many flaws.