American Stereotypes Are So Hurtful

A German David Hasselhoff lover recently wrote 10 Common German Prejudices About The USA. I am deeply offended as an American and would like to take some time to clear the air.

“What’s with all the fast food?”

We are BUSY people. Have you looked at our GDP lately? It’s the highest in the world. You think we got there by taking the to time to cook boring meals at home? Give me animal fat and give it to me NOW. Maybe you’d be rich too if you spent your time working instead of making thick sausage or whatever it is you eat over there.

“Americans are war mongers”

The recent military operations in Iraq (both of them), Afghanistan, Panama, Kosovo, Somalia, and Grenada were all ACCIDENTS of history. We do not have imperial notions on this great Earth, and if you give honest examination to the periods between 1891 and 1897, you will see that we are a very peaceful people.

“Americans are extremely superficial…celebrity culture”

Wrong. We follow celebrities because they have achieved a level of enlightenment that commoners like you and I can only dream about. I’m talking about sex, clubbing, drugs, tell-all books, gotcha photography featuring nipples and shaved vaginas, and most importantly, FASHION. Quick: name a German-born celebrity. I thought so. If you had celebrities then you would be obsessing over their god-like status as well.

“Americans don’t give a shit about their poor people”

Now you’ve went too far. Look in any American city and you will see an area of very fine buildings that we have built EXCLUSIVELY for the poor. We give them schooling, food, and police protection, and make sure that they live far far away from the middle and upper classes, who may interfere with their admirable way of life. Poverty in the United States will be relegated to the history books as soon as we win the war on terror.

“Everything needs to be XXL (houses, cars, refrigerators, Burgers, breast implants,…)”

How’s that 300 square feet of living space in Germany doing for you? Other than the breast implants, which can be explained by evolution, we need large because our founding fathers, God rest their souls, want us to settle in a vast frontier of rich, bountiful land. Ever heard of the Homestead Act? Otherwise this land would just go to waste, and what’s the point of that? As for automobiles, I’d like to see you drive one of your fuel-efficient scooter smart cars on a real highway and see how long you survive as SUV monsters of American pride block your puny visual field.

As an American citizen, I just can’t stand by and watch as foreigners trash the country I’ve grown up in. Instead of acting out in a pointless jealous rage, I think this German should get a J-O-B so he can afford to buy one of our state-of-the-art plasma televisions. Just don’t forget to budget for the necessary Monster cables.

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Jo
Jo
13 years ago

Hurtful? You meant to say true right? Because all those stereotypes are facts.

Americana
Americana
5 years ago
Reply to  Jo

No i’m pretty sure he meant hurtful 🙂 Can I insult you? Is that okay? I’m American and damn proud. I also ADORE Europe and Asia and other places and it hurts like freaking HELL when they can’t give us damn respect. We’re a young freaking country, give us time to LEARN dammit!

Roissy
13 years ago

“americans are warmongers”

wow. coming from a kraut that’s rich.

Murdoc
Murdoc
13 years ago

German-born celebrity = Heidi Klum

:hump:

The Dude
The Dude
13 years ago

I love how people are missing the obvious sarcasm…

mm
mm
13 years ago

You took the words right out of my mouth, murdoc…and I thought I was clever.
I love David Hasselhoff’s video for whatever that song of his is called…”jump into my car”?
He’s such a douche.

vb
vb
13 years ago

XXL? Have you driven the new 7 series? Damn, thats a big car!

irina
13 years ago

UGH the poor DO NOT live far enough away from me. ga-ross

miik
miik
13 years ago

German vehicle I would drive: Heidi Klum
Alpha driver of vehicle = Seal 🙁

Sweat P.
Sweat P.
13 years ago

I’m with Roissy on that one.

miik
miik
13 years ago

Right Sweat P.

Biggest misbehavin’ celeb = Hitler

Genevieve
13 years ago

Ditto, the dude.

The Germans are notorious for starting wars and killing randomly, though. They just haven’t since Hitler and the Berlin Wall cause uhm… ugh. Can’t be bothered to find out why. I’m sure it’s something to do with the rest of Europe having to baby sit them or something.

This is coming from someone who is, largely, of German descent.

Mr Boofu
Mr Boofu
13 years ago

1st..Heidi Klum can get it..Seal is a lucky bastard

2nd..How the fuck can anybody from Germany ever call somebody “warmonger”??? Didn’t they try to exterminate a whole segment of the human population?

3rd..Heidi Klum is fine…

4th..At least at our public sporting events are crowd doesn’t line up together to form swastika’s..

5th..Do Germans know of any other color outside of black and grey???? Whats up with the David Hasselhof infatuation???

kayla
kayla
13 years ago

Americans are totally not overweight, either. (A stereotype that was completely overlooked).

And, we never tried to exterminate a whole segment of the population *cough**cough** native americans **cough** cough**

tampa
tampa
13 years ago

Last time I checked our warmongering status saved the world from the Nazi Germans and the Imperial Japs.

And taking a close look at what the Europeans provide NATO milatary wise — a simple thank you would have to do.

If it wasn’t for us, Berlin would be the capital of Western Russia.

tampa
tampa
13 years ago

And other then some decent cars, Hiedi Klum, Boris Becker and Octoberfest — I can’t think of a single decent thing that Germany has contributed to this world.

Ok — maybe a decent world cup soccer team to watch every four years.

But other then that — nada.

irina
13 years ago

germans are actually really awesome people. in fact, they were one of the most successful immigrant groups in the United States. They make great cars, great technology, and are incredibly efficient. Germany itself is beautiful! Just because they caused WW2 doesn’t mean other nations aren’t capable of autrocities like that. umm in fact, stalin was way worse than Hitler. This is coming from a Jew.
as for XXL and our fatties… My family has really good friends who are Germans and when they came here they took photos of morbidly obese people to show back home. They sent us a copy of the photo CD and I very much enjoyed it!

Wendy
13 years ago

hahahaha! Brilliant. (god I hate fast food though)

Phil
13 years ago

God damned Germans.

I am going to pick up Wendy’s for dinner right now.

boc
boc
13 years ago

Irina — Germany is literally America Jr. That is why so many Americans *love* Germany. People there speak english, are very materialistic, arrogant people, and shopping everywhere.

Personally I think Germany sucks fat monkey balls. France, Hong Kong and Peru are fantastic countries in my opinion.

But what would I know. I went back to school and am stuck at home studying on a Friday night. Fuck…

boc
boc
13 years ago

YEah.. the more I think about it, the more Germany sucks.

If you’re in Berlin or Frankfurt you’re not really travelling.. you’re visiting a tourist trap.

blibblab
blibblab
13 years ago

I don’t really agree with the sarcasm of the article, but towards the comments? Germany gave the world Protestantism, which allowed for people to acknowledge the Earth revolved around the sun without getting their innards cooked as they stretched in the hot sun. Free thinkers everywhere should thank the Germans for that everyday… just, uh, have to overlook that whole Nazi incident last century…

johnson316
johnson316
13 years ago

One thing that always bugs me about these sorts of things is the whole “arrogant American” stereotype. Citizens of other countries can beat their chest and wave their flag and crow about how great their country is but the second an American does it, we’re jingoistic assholes. Honestly, I think we’re one of the most self-loathing countries in the world, especially people aged 30 and under. I’ve literally heard people say things like, “America is what’s wrong with the world”, “this is the worst country ever”, etc. I think if we all had a little more national pride would be a good thing.

Anonymous
Anonymous
13 years ago

all i an hear when I got to the US is Dunkin Donuts… dukin donuts.. peanut butter, tamoatoe sauce!! lol… sorry. but its true!

Joey
Joey
13 years ago

can i just say that the stereo types are true though. I mean, all we hear is america saying war war war! Theyve made the world a much more dangeous and unstable place. They dont really consider the rest of the people in the world.

in terms of fast food and portion size, well that usually the case too.

If u americans want to get rid of the stereo type then just dont do it!

Gay Pride
Gay Pride
12 years ago

Europeans have no right to bitch about America untill they are gay, poor, black, native and stuck in Neocon state. At least your contries have actual civil rights ohh wait unless you are African or Muslim. I have been to Europe and I saw plenty fat europeans and smelly tacky Euro trash. Lets not start about all the wars you started.