Beefy Gas

An American, Australian, and Englishgirl walk into a hotel made of salt.

It started in a Toyota Land Cruiser with a driver, a cook, and a few gringos, including myself. We paid for a 4-day tour through the southwest of Bolivia, a place where paved roads, gas stations—and what you might recognize as modern civilization—do not exist.

We stayed in a salt hotel on the third night, a building literally constructed from the salt of the huge Uyuni Salt Plain, the highlight of our tour. We bought some bottles of Chilean red wine, got some candles for when the power went out, and started drinking after dinner. There was nothing else to do.

I’ve written about cockblocks before but the one that happened here stands out for being both brutal and embarrassing. While our lovely cook Sonya tried her best with the meals, there is only so much she can do without running water. Very quickly into the tour I was producing a large amount of digestive gas that everyone in the SUV knew about. It tended to smell like the previous night’s dinner, and since we had paper-thin steak the first night, my nickname became “beefy gas.”

The salt hotel had a hostel vibe to it with communal tables. Gringos from other tours joined us with their bottles of wine and we all shared pictures from the exact same places. A 40-year-old Swiss lady to my left practiced her English on me and a Brazilian man to the left of her bragged how Rio is the best place in the universe. Next to me was a very cute German girl. Bolivia is not blessed with attractive females so she was the best I’ve seen in two weeks. We started talking.

The Australian guy and Englishgirl had been traveling together for a month. I assumed they were banging every night, with hair pulling and all that, but in fact she was teasing the guy and using him as a travel bodyguard / buddy, more or less. He was spending the bulk of his two month trip in South America trying to have sex with a girl who openly talked of banging other guys.

Discussion of my beefy gas disappeared by this point, so boy was I surprised when the Englishgirl said, with the utmost concern, “So how’s your beefy gas doing?” Everyone heard. Less damage would have been done if she accused me of giving her genital herpes. My comeback was silence.

What a sad story if it all collapsed because of my beefy gas, but the German had a boyfriend, one that she has found was “much harder to leave” than she thought. I was just flirting, having fun, and I can’t say I was making much progress. But still, this cockblock got to me. I was steaming, sitting there on three hard blocks of salt. I had to say something.

“Did you bring up my beefy gas because you just weren’t thinking or you wanted to make me look bad? This is the first time you see me talking to a girl and then say something that any normal person would agree is pretty embarrassing.” The Australian looked uncomfortable.

Blah blah blah, “I just wasn’t thinking,” she said. I pushed a little bit more because I wanted her to at least feel as uncomfortable as I felt. Then, the truth came out in what may be the first time in human history that a girl has told the truth behind her cockblock.

“Maybe I was a little bit jealous.”

The things I’ve done to get into a girl’s pants—the guys I have cockblocked. I can’t get on her for worrying I might bang some other girl besides her. We were now friends, because honesty is a big part of what friendship is. I mean, when was the last time you told someone you took an extra hour to call because you wanted them to think you were busy?

An American, Australian, and Englishgirl walk into a hotel made of salt. They left nine bottles of empty wine bottles on their table before going to sleep. They next morning they saw the damage: underneath the salt was now red. It looked like a murder scene.


Uyuni Salt Flat


  1. roissy October 16, 2007 at 10:08 am

    “Maybe I was a little bit jealous.”

    wow. unbelievable. the veil was lifted. the bitch behind the curtain revealed. the sisterhood betrayed.

    momentous! it’s like a glimpse into the female subconscious.

  2. Anon October 16, 2007 at 10:14 am

    Nice. Now fuck that English cunt. Make sure to jizz in her hair.

  3. instantExcitement October 16, 2007 at 10:29 am


    I’ve never seen that happen that a girl admits to cock blocking??? I wonder what would have happened had she been offended, would the beta Aussie have been pissed? Is he now pissed because she was jealous that a girl was talking to you? The possibilities are endless….The best part of the game or meeting random women is this, the weird social interactions that can happen.

  4. Jo October 16, 2007 at 10:30 am

    Completely unrelated to the post, this is an awesome picture

  5. mike says October 16, 2007 at 10:41 am

    awesome story + great picture = best post in recent memory

  6. mike says October 16, 2007 at 10:41 am

    p.s. now that you’ve succumbed, go on ahead and facebook that pic

  7. Arjewtino October 16, 2007 at 10:59 am

    Great photo, totally worth exposing your travel buddies to your beefy gas.

  8. Anonymous October 16, 2007 at 11:51 am

    is the pommey girl worth having a go with?

  9. Steve Lurkel October 16, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    nice move with the english broad.
    awesome photo.

  10. Anonymous October 16, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    I’d make that my desktop background if you weren’t in it

  11. Peter October 16, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    funny story. great pic.

  12. Joe T. October 16, 2007 at 9:06 pm

    Funniest Roosh story ever!!

  13. inSOMnia October 17, 2007 at 10:16 am


  14. Genevieve October 17, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    good story! i liked it. nicely told. glad you’ve made some friends.

    that girl is mean, though. that poor Australian boy. he should’ve known after a few weeks, though. tsk tsk.

  15. Sweatpants October 17, 2007 at 2:36 pm

    Great post. I like that you decided she was your friend instead of getting pissed at her for cockblocking. I probably would have done something humiliating and cruel to her in retaliation because I have a small, black heart.

  16. Lisa October 17, 2007 at 4:51 pm

    I’d send the beef back if it smelled like that.

  17. Jeremy October 18, 2007 at 2:34 am

    Thats awesome…
    Understand your embarrassment, but the whole reason why she hit you so bad… of course she was jealous.

  18. iX October 18, 2007 at 6:57 am

    Great story as always. Love your work

  19. Oliver L. August 20, 2012 at 12:13 am

    You should have told her it had moved into the pork stage.

    By the way, if the other girl was German I actually don’t think she would have cared that much about hearing that you had gas, Germans are extremely earthy and are never really horrified by comments related to feces/flatulence/etc.