One of my life’s pleasures is observing ass—high school ass, college ass, twenty-something ass, spinster ass, and old but pre-menopausal ass. Every female who is menstruating is worth a peek.
After I went through puberty and my balls doubled in size, I created a null hypothesis that all asses are the same. Every age group has the same ass qualities that include firmness, roundness, and gripability. (Because I could not test all three qualities with every ass I saw, I used my imagination to guess how hand-to-ass contact would feel.) After compiling several massive volumes of ass data, I’m confident that we can reject the null hypothesis. I conclude that time alone is a devastating factor in the deterioration of a woman’s ass.
When I’m checking out the asses of a gaggle of 16 year olds, I can’t help but notice how universally plump and round they are. Even the flattest of the group is still able to embarrass most women 10 years her senior. It is not until her twenties does this ass meat migrate to other parts of her body, like her ankles or the area above her vagina. This is similar in concept to how an aging man’s hair flows from his head to his ears, toes, and anus hole.
After 35 years, it’s all over. The ass meat loses its cohesive ability and starts to degenerate into a veiny blob of tissue. Even the grip factor declines as well: instead of squeezing an ass that feels like a ripe tomato, your hands squeeze through cookie dough—the grocery store kind that is bought in those plastic tubes. This didn’t use to be a big problem for women because they would already be married when their ass peaked, but now with the advent of equality and club guestlists, the modern woman does not get serious about marriage until the ass decline is in full effect. The same society that gives women cosmopolitans, voting rights, and Coach bags is the same that robs them of attention from quality assmen like myself at the time she most needs it. Unless our culture regresses back to the time when dual housing incomes were unnecessary, it will just be easier for me to find a juicy wife through the reputable mail-order bride industry.