I was recently challenged by City Paper to a haiku contest against two semi-professionals. If you are wondering why, it’s because I have attained rock star status on Yelp because of my nightclub reviews that are in haiku form.
Contestant No. 3: Silver Spring sex and dating blogger Valizadeh, 28, writes haiku bar reviews under the name “Haiku review guy” on Yelp.com. Valizadeh has composed 23 haiku since he began posting on the user-generated site in 2006. His Tabard Inn haiku presents a paranoid vision of olde-tyme Washington—”Time warp into past/Presidents hanging on wall/checking out my date”—while his Local 16 review accesses the primitive jockeying of a modern U Street—”I am white person/Do you like my popped collar?/Damn, he has one, too.”
“I’ve been to lots of bars and clubs, but the bars that I’m going to now aren’t striking me,” says Valizadeh. “I have to be inspired to write a haiku. A place has to be really good or really bad.” For now, he’s found the bad: “I’ve popped into the Black Cat a couple times, and there are a lot of hipsters there, so I’m thinking about writing about that next.”
Like the other contestants, I was given five topics to write haikus about. They were springtime, meat, cherry blossoms, Franklin Roosevelt, and haiku. Then, a haiku expert from some university judged the haikus. I bombed.
I won a single category but I think it was out of pity. In fact one of my haikus were called “childish” by the judge. I tried. :gay: