Deal Breakers

The NY Times has an article about deal breakers, qualities a potential mate has that would disqualify him or her from future consideration.

First, take a look at the picture of the really awkward looking man holding the stuffed seal. Do you want to know what he does for a living? He writes dating advice. And you wonder why we’re having problems.

The article gives several examples of deal breakers, mostly of women dumping men. In this female deal breaker rundown, I’m only counting things the article mentioned as a confirmed deal breaker and not something that is simply disliked.

1. “I take her to my apartment, go into the bedroom, and fling back the sheets, and she said, ‘My husband had these sheets and he was a mean-hearted son of a bitch and you must be like him and I’m leaving.’”

2. “He didn’t even seem sorry that he lived in a 12-year-old boy’s room, this was like normal behavior. It said to me, this person is not grown up yet. It was frightening. He’s lived his whole life in the attic.”

3. “He was very cute, but then I realized he was totally unsuccessful.”

4. “I can’t sit in a room with overhead lighting…It makes me feel like I’m in a police interrogation room. I believe in lamps that are casting warm glows, and anyone that doesn’t understand that, I can’t be in their house, men or women.” :huh:

The only deal breaker anyone should have is HIV. That’s it. Even if a girl tells me she has HPV or herpes, I would do a detailed cost-benefit analysis before making a decision. The deal breaker is a concept most likely to be held by picky, neurotic women who are single and over 25 years old. I’ve never heard a man use this term before. Having automatic responses to small behaviors or situations (“His toilet was kinda dirty!”) is a sign that you are not ready for adult relationships.

The irony in all this is that a woman’s propensity to have deal breakers is correlated to her increasing infertility. The older she gets, the more likely things like ear hair make the list (I got plenty of ear hair—my loss I guess!). Her inability to connect the dots will ensure her genes are weeded out, which means the deal breaker term will disappear in one generation.

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Eric
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this can also be a wake-up call to men, though. I have a lot of character flaws and peccadilloes, but I’ve never been broken up with over them. If you’re a magnetic person and people have fun when they’re with you, they’ll be willing to overlook your filthy bathroom or your annoying laugh. If a girl you’re dating is so nonplussed with your personality that your idiosyncratic quirks are the most prominent things she notices, then maybe you’re doing something wrong.

mike says
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her having a kid = dealbreaker

mm
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mm
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I don’t know man. If someone lives in a rat and roach invested room filled with trash, I’d have to leave. Also, several stuffed animal heads would creep me out as well. One is fine. As long as they didn’t kill it themselves. But more than one is crazzy.
Also, that one dude has a giant doll in a rocking chair. Unless a guy has a kid, there is no need for him to own a doll. That’s creepy. Not to mention the glamour photos of the exes…..eeep.

ribald
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ah come on man, you definitely have deal breakers! you probably just refer to them differently in your head. my biggest deal breaker is if she has hair anywhere on her body from the nostrils and down smile

Sweat P.
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I guess a downside of NYC is that you can be as weirdly neurotic as you want and still figure, hey, there’s 8 million people in this city, I’ll find one. OMG, overhead lighting? What a savage!

Jo
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Ok. I’ll admit those are rather pathetic. Some REAL dealbreakers are: No job, psycho ex, money hungry, stupid (and many more, but these are the big ones).

irina
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not that i agree with this: but the older a girl gets the more she finally realizes that she can’t change a man. she also learns to identify early clues for a man’s inner character. whereas i agree that overhead lighting is a stupid deal-breaker, someone being unsuccessful could easily be one. depends on why he’s “unsuccessful”. maybe he’s a stoner at age 35. or maybe he’s an idiot. why would you want that?

terps
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#1 – what an idiot, the woman who said that. not all guys are like her mean hearted SOB of an ex-husband.

#2 and #3 were taken out of context. the man-boy needs to grow up, get over his mother’s death, stop playing video games, and move on to a bigger room. or at least redecorate the place. the latter wasn’t because he was ‘unsuccessful’, it was because he shared a place with his ex wife. if a girl I meet still lived with her ex husband, that’s a big red flag to me.

#4 – overhead lighting? are you fooking serious?? wow… just, wow

DaveInTheCorn
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Whether you call it a “deal breaker” or a “factor in a cost-benefit analysis”, there are some things that you may rate very highly, such that any perceived benefit would be almost impossible to overcome.

For instance, a girl who smokes a pack a day+ may as well be a “dealbreaker” for me, even though I might still consider her, because I’ve never met anyone whose upsides would outweigh that downside.

virglekent
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Her having a penis bigger than mine = deal breaker. I’m insecure when it comes to that kind of thing, but maybe it’s just me

DF
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1. If she’s got a snatch large enough that I’m in danger of being swallowed alive = dealbreaker.

2. If she’s got busted feet and looked like she’s crossed the Denali National Park barefoot = dealbreaker.

3. If she’s a pathological liar = dealbreaker.

4. If she’s got kids, husband, or a wife = dealbreaker. OK, if the wife is fine I’ll reconsider.

5. STDs = dealbreaker

6. Golddigger/Starfucker/Hooker/Stripper = dealbreaker

barzelay
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“I would do a detailed cost-benefit analysis before making a decision… Having automatic responses to small behaviors or situations (”His toilet was kinda dirty!”) is a sign that you are not ready for adult relationships.”

I totally agree with you about this. People dislike something and choose to allow themselves to develop a strong aversion to it that cripples them in various ways. I once knew a girl who, in sixth grade, didn’t like frogs. By the end of high school, she would scream and run away if she even saw a picture of a frog. Totally irrational. I think it’s the same way with people who don’t like certain foods, and refuse to try them, or a million other things that people dislike so strongly that they remain unwilling to try.

In general, all of these things are signs of a closed mind, and I’m glad they’re deal breakers for the women, because I wouldn’t want to accidentally get into a relationship with someone and find out later that she’s a closed-minded child.

Every single interaction we have with someone factors into our overall opinions about them. I’ve met fat girls who had such dynamic, sexy personalities that I’d choose them over nearly any traditionally hot girl. I hate smoking, and I hate the smell of people who smoke, but I’ve dated a smoker because she was hot and intelligent and fun. Every decision we make involves a conscious or sub-conscious cost-benefit analysis. If your decisions don’t, you’re a child.

Kristen
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How’s that glass house working out for you?

Jewcano
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Was/is married: dealbreaker.
Kids: dealbreaker.
Scary scary use of animals to sub for children (aka, crazy cat lady): dealbreaker.
Demonstrates extreme idiocy: dealbreaker. Bonus negative points if stupidity involves handling of contraceptives. Voting Democrat will be decided on case by case basis.

Women who really think they can pick and choose a guy based on his choice of sheets are going to be looking a long-ass time.

Ciarrai
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2. “He didn’t even seem sorry that he lived in a 12-year-old boy’s room, this was like normal behavior.

I suppose it depends what she meant by 12 year old boy but a McGyver/Barbie theme and an A-Team/Patrick Swayze poster would be a definite deal breaker in my book….

“Women who really think they can pick and choose a guy based on his choice of sheets are going to be looking a long-ass time.”

Maybe the guy still had an X-Men duvet!

Eastern European
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2Sweat P.:

“I guess a downside of NYC is that you can be as weirdly neurotic as you want and still figure, hey, there’s 8 million people in this city, I’ll find one.”

Yes, this is a typical wrong belief. In fact it is harder to find a life partner (not sex partner) in a big city than in rural areas.

2Roosh: if you accept fat chicks, you’re not really picky smile

Sweat P.
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I guess it wasn’t obvious, but I was implying that the belief I stated was, in fact, wrong. As in, people think they can have a bunch of weird little neuroses and they think they’ll be fine because they’re in a big city, but the truth is that they are insufferable no matter where they happen to be.

Yeders
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I’m thinking, maybe my room is a ‘dealbreaker’.. (yes, my room, im 20, live at home, uni student). i don’t have any stupid pictures up though. i have a big tele and a computer. about 140 pictures up of friends and family. along with a periodic table covered by the pictures in a more artistic fashion (yes, chemistry major, huge passion) .. but if a girl would consider my room as the ‘dealbreaker’ then.. pfft, so be it. I do not have a problem with finding fine girls..
I agree that “The deal breaker is a concept most likely to be held by picky, neurotic women who are single and over 25 years old.”… “The irony in all this is that a woman’s propensity to have deal breakers is correlated to her increasing infertility.”
all this totally reminds me of my mum’s friends.. too picky, mainly in the physical sense. and at their age.. they are looking a bit drab also.

“dealbreaker” for me: 1# stupidity, and inability to hold an intelligent conversation. you’d be surprised how many relationships I’ve ended because i haven’t been mentally stimulated.

most creepy and weird stuff I tend not to consider until it arises.

sam18
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“The only deal breaker anyone should have is HIV. That’s it.” Hmmm, what about those who practice non-consensual sex acts? With animals, children, women, corpses? You’re going to tell me those aren’t deal breakers? And I agree with the person who said the trash filled and roach infested apt, I’d probably walk on that too.

Anonymous
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I think having some deal breakers is important because you are defining your boundaries of what you will and will not put up with. Mine are:

1. Any man that is addicted to alcohol, drugs, nicotine, gambling etc. or sells drugs

2. Any man that mentally, emotionally, or physically abuses me

3. A man that is either unwilling or unable to communicate

4. Any man that is married or currently in a relationship

5. A man that has no desire to take care of themselves physically or otherwise, because it shows that they don’t even love themselves so how can they love you?

Yes I agree overhead lighting is a bit much, but having some realistic boundaries is vital.