Four men got together in a little townhouse. It wasn’t to play poker or watch a football game. It also wasn’t to masturbate. No, it was for something entirely different.
They were all in their early 20s and bros since childhood, having spent thousands of cumulative hours together. Everyone knew everyone else’s strengths and weaknesses, and each friend has seen at least one other have sex with a girl. Many times they’ve gotten each other out of tight binds, from drunken fights to incidents with the police. Their friendship reminds me a little of Fight Club.
Lately they’ve been disappointed with their sexual results because they’re not getting with the women they desire. They prowl the bars and the clubs, but consistency eludes them. It was time for drastic measures. It was time to do something they suspected would be necessary to get to the next level. No more coddling, no more “good job bro you’ll get it next time.” They were all ready for changes.
Janus was the first to speak.
“Steve, when you talk to a girl you blink way too much. They make eye drops for that. You also jerk your neck back and forth. Your mannerisms are distracting and makes you look like a retard.”
Something inside Steve burned. He didn’t realize that he blinked a lot. He stewed for a minute, then looked to the man next to him and said, “Rolf, you come across as creepy. You’re touching girls on their ass right off the bat, and even though girls like your look, that pushes them away. Don’t just start grabbing their bits—we’re not in college anymore.”
Rolf liked being “aggressive“—that was his style—but he had to come to terms that it wasn’t seeing the same results as before. He pursed his lips and looked at Bruno. “Bruno, you laugh at your own lame jokes. If the girl isn’t laughing, you shouldn’t either. Watch some more comedies or something, but it’s better not to say anything than say lame shit.”
Bruno loved his own jokes. In fact he was tinkering with the idea of working on a comedy book. He couldn’t believe Rolf thought that was his main problem with women. He took a deep breath and looked to Janus.
“Janus, your style sucks. You’re wearing the same shit I did five years ago. It just looks off. Plus you’re fat. You want to get with hot girls yet you need to lose at least 20 pounds. There’s no excuse for that.”
Then there was silence. Every man in that room was seething. They couldn’t even look at each other. Five minutes passed until Janus spoke.
“Rolf you need to stop shaving your chest and waxing your eyebrows. Girls have asked me if you’re a fag.” Rolf didn’t flinch. If you looked close enough you could pick up a barely perceptible head nod.
Then Rolf looked at Steve. “You’re too obsessed with phone numbers. You have a billion phone numbers but only have gotten laid once in the past six months. No more numbers man!”
Then something interesting happened: Steve took out a piece of paper and pen and started taking notes.
“Bruno if you’re going to wear those tight shirts you should bulk up a little.”
“Janus you don’t look good with short hair because your head is too big. Have you thought about growing it out?”
“Rolf you look better when you wear black. Your pastel shirts make you look pale and small.”
“Steve your body odor can be overwhelming. Have you tried a deodorant stone?”
“Bruno brush your teeth before you go out.”
It went on like this for one hour. They shared things they’ve known forever but didn’t have the heart to tell each other. All their egos were now ripped out from their chest and placed in the middle of the circle. The session stung initially, but soon they were hungry for more suggestions—all because they wanted more for themselves. It took a painful meeting to admit that they weren’t perfect human beings and needed to make serious changes. Each one now had a plan and immediately begun to work on it.
Steve saw an eye doctor and had fake conversations with himself in the mirror to catch his twitching. He saw another doctor who prescribed him a strong anti-perspirant with potent levels of aluminum that are fatal to small animals.
Rolf toned down his creepy vibe, focused more on humor, and upgraded his wardrobe after finding a style consultant on Craigslist.
Bruno bought a couple comedy manuals and watched every episode of Seinfeld twice (after spending two weeks downloading the entire series to his computer). He started hitting the gym three times a week along with brushing and flossing right before he went out.
Janus learned how to cook healthy food and lost much more than twenty pounds. He grew out his hair and beard, which started to get him compliments.
Fast forward one year later, and sadly they only saw each other once or twice a month. They were each so busy with multiple women that their main way of communicating was forwarding around pictures of the girls they were fucking.
The irony of what success did to their friendships was not lost on them.