When You Should Feel Out The Date

Most of the time it’s best to ask out a new girl without beating around the bush. “Do you want to hang out for a drink some time?” Yes? Okay great. But there are cases where you shouldn’t put yourself out there like that and need to feel around a bit more.

One good example is work. If there’s a girl you like (who I hope doesn’t work in your team/department), it’s best to find out (1) if she’s a drinker, and then (2) where she drinks at. It’s here you build some sort of commonality (“Oh I like going there too”) and then gauge her response for enthusiasm. High enthusiasm? Then you’ll probably get a yes if you ask her out.

Another example is at the gym. Virgle Kent wrote up a “How To Pick Up Girls At The Gym” piece and you’ll see that he attacks from an indirect angle. In both of these above cases you see the girl frequently and don’t want to make things awkward with a direct attack that doesn’t get the desired result. Uncomfortable vibrations follow.

I recently had to feel things out with this girl who worked at the Starbucks I frequented in Rio. It was my work sanctuary so I wanted to be careful about going hard and then getting rebuffed.

The girl gave me a lot of signs the first couple weeks, such as sitting at my table and chatting with me while she was on breaks. One day I told her about a champagne bar my roommate and I were going to later that night and how she should stop by for a glass (girls love champagne). She said yes and that we’d talk later but then she disapeared on me, leaving work before seeking me out.

Three weeks passed and while things weren’t awkward between us, our conversations were much shorter. I didn’t say anything about drinks again. When I only had ten days left in Rio I said, “Yeah my plan was to find a wife and get married to stay here but I failed. So now I have to leave.” She seemed genuinely upset and told me to write down my email address. Whatever, I thought. That night she added me on Facebook with the message “I found you.”

Should I ask her out again like I did last time? No. What I did instead was feel it out. Next time I saw her at the coffee shop she asked me how much longer I had left.

“Only seven days!” I said.

“Oh that’s too bad.”

“Yeah I’m getting ready. Buying some stuff, getting rid of books I’ve read. I probably won’t be here this week more than a couple times.”

“Are you going to come back?”

“Who knows. My only friend left last week though, and honestly I don’t even like the beach. :gay:”

“Oh.”

“So what’s your work schedule like this week? You work every day?”

“Yeah every day except Sunday.”

“Oh that sucks.”

“But only until 6pm. I’m free at night.”

Boom.

“Well if you want we can still grab drinks at that place I mentioned a while ago.”

“When?”

“I’m free Thursday.”

“Thursday… that’s quinta-feira, right?”

“É, quinta.”

“Yeah I can do Thursday.”

“Cool then I’ll have to get your number soon.” Then I grabbed my drink and found a table. I wanted her to feel anxious about when I was going to get it.

I danced around asking her out again until she put in enough effort that said, “You definitely should ask me out because I’m free to hang out with you.” This is an especially useful tactic on girls who have flaked on you in the past, because you don’t want to reward their behavior by asking them out over and over again. Unless it’s a straight-forward pickup like at a bar, club, or coffee shop (on a non-employee), it may be a good idea to feel it out to not only save face on girls who’ve dissed you before, but also avoid any potential awkwardness that may ruin spots you frequent. If she doesn’t take the bait by showing enthusiasm or availability, then forget it.

Read Next: 7 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Game Right Now

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Willy Wonka
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So… did you get the date?

Willy Wonka’s last blog post: My Problem With Day Game.

fjri
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fjri
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It is interesting how your game advice almost never fails to clarify what I, at least once, have done wrong.

PS: I love the frequent postings recently!

PS, PS: Do you have any bigger writing projects in mind?

The G Manifesto
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Great example of classic “mini-takeaways”.

Good rule of thumb:

If a girl pulls back, pull back with “mini-takeaways” and aloof steez.

– MPM

The G Manifesto’s last blog post: Las Vegas in May.

FAZ
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FAZ
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This sounds like the strategy I’ll be employing, considering all the trouble I got into at school…

FAZ’s last blog post: Trip to San-Francisco, need ideas….

nathan
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nathan
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That almost sounds like too much effort to put in for one chick.

Culdcept
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Culdcept
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I’ve had this dilema before when places I frequently take first dates to have a chick I want to ask out. Sometimes you just have to let them go or possibly give up your venue if you do end up banging her.

Culdcept’s last blog post: Get Ready for Logistics.

speakeasy
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speakeasy
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This is good shit. I can definitely put this to work.

phillipmarlow
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The push-pull method works in a lot of situations, I’ve noticed. Not just in dating, either.

phillipmarlow’s last blog post: Crazy Eyes.

Lugo
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Lugo
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I have found that if I get rebuffed at a place I often frequent, it is the chick who feels uncomfortable and starts avoiding the place, so I don’t have to. Too bad for her if she no longer enjoys being at her place of work; why should I care if she feels she has to quit just because I asked her out and I’m still coming in for coffee after she said no?

Mad Jack
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Mad Jack
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The only trouble with the indirect approach or feeling around (as you put it) is that you must be able to read women very well to get this to work for you. You must be able to read the subtleties in their body language, speech inflection and expression or you’ll miss the “I’m interested in you” signal. Of course, this comes with experience which you’ll only get by trying the indirect approach several times.

Having had a very bad experience with a hot girl at work (hottest sex I ever had) who turned out to be violent with a drinking problem and psychotic episodes, I’m an advocate of keeping work and play separate in a major fashion.

Quasi
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Quasi
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I feel famous for actually being there one of the days where the shit went down, and she did really seem like chasing you around grin

Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Wait… you got the JOB?? Your resume must be so weak and getting worse every day of idleness that Starbucka is the best you can realistically hope for when you come back.

G string
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G string
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5 nathan
“That almost sounds like too much effort to put in for one chick.”

Well, what do you expect? He’s got no money, job, or muscles. Game to compensate.

Anonymous
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Anonymous
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You got massive biceps??? Pics or gtfo!

Laura
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Laura
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Ooh, this was a cliffhanger! Fun to read, good post. There’s definitely something sexy about a guy who’s only gonna be in the country another week– I once dated a guy for six whole months because I thought he was about to leave for the Peace Corps. Had to break up with him when he never got placed, because who wants a man that’s gonna stick around? Not me.

Laura’s last blog post: Yoga Fail.

the dude
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the dude
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If she doesn’t rip your pantaloons off within 10 seconds of getting into the bedroom, you are doing something wrong.

zebra shit
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zebra shit
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defecation, aaaah!