Grimiest Bar In DC

It took over six years but thanks to these two I can say with confidence that I’ve been to the grimiest bar in all of DC: Dan’s Cafe.

The main seating consists of a long cafeteria style table in the middle of the room. Against the wall are old wooden booths that appear to be collapsing, along with a jukebox, pool table, and half-a-dozen fake ferns hanging from the ceiling. The only light comes from various beer novelty signs, making everyone—including the scary looking bartenders—extremely attractive.

At Dan’s Cafe instead of ordering a drink, you pick a mini bottle of liquor hanging on a shelf towards the back. The “bartender” then opens the bottle and pours it into a glass. He gives you a bucket of ice, a mixer of your choice, an empty glass, and then tells you to sit your ass down and not cause any trouble. The only thing missing is a bulletproof shield around the cashier.

Since you are not paying for ambiance, the alcohol is priced with value in mind. My mini bottle of Absolut Citron cost $15. From that you can make 4 drinks, which at a yuppie bar would cost $32. Some of the cheaper bottles go for $10. I was severely inebriated within an hour.

I think it would be a good idea to take a first date here. Tell her you want to start the night in a cozy bar with character, then act like it’s the most natural thing in the world to be drinking from mini-bottles while trying to identify which bathroom the ultra-concentrated smell of urine is coming from (mens). This would be an excellent way to test her shallowness and girlfriend worthiness. Chill there for an hour then take her to a normal bar like the Reef nearby, which will seem like the Delano in comparison. My time is up here so I’ll need a brave male reader to do this and then report back for our entertainment. Obviously it has to be a player who dates often and doesn’t give a shit if he bombs on a first date, which he almost certainly will here unless the girl is under 24.

Related Posts For You

newest oldest most voted
tampa
Guest
tampa
Offline

could be my favorite bar in DC..

You order a bourbon and coke and you get a bottle of bourbon and some cans of coke.

awesome.

inowpronounceyou
Guest

Dan’s cafe is the PERFECT place to start or finish a night. The in between? Not so much.

ribald
Guest
ribald
Offline

years ago, instead of pouring the mini bottle or flask into a glass, dan’s would actually give you the whole damn flask and let you do your own damage. the problem was that over time, people started pocketing the mini bottles and flasks and took them out the bar; you’d see the sidewalk in front of the bar littered with shattered glass and jim beam labels. the place truly is a fucking dump, but at least it makes no apologies for being a pit, and that sort of honesty is why i’ll always love the joint.

virglekent
Guest
virglekent
Offline

Let’s keep it real son, Dan’s is GRIMY- TO THE!!!

Talk about a for real for real “dive bar”. No fake hipsters in sight. The bartender was awesome and hilarious. You gotta love a place where you go in at 6 it’s bright and sunny outside then you come out around 9 and you feel like you’re in one of Mad Max movies like where the fuck did the time go.

Anyone looking for a cheap place with some strong drinks where you can basically order bourbon and coke and just drink the bourbon straight should go.

By the way you didn’t mention that really cute and attractive girls go there to start their nights off in Adams. So that’s where they b at

Roissy
Guest
Roissy
Offline

all lawyer chicks should be taken to dan’s on the first date. they deserve nothing less.

ribald, yeah i remember those days. dan’s used to be even grimier than it is now. that pool table is more of a drink holder than anything else.

Jay Gatsby
Guest
Jay Gatsby
Offline

Dan’s is FAMOUS for being grimy. As VK put it, the fake hipsters wouldn’t be caught dead at Dan’s. Yet it’s not exactly the best place to box in on the talent. There’s very little space to move around when the place is empty, and it’s impossible to even hear yourself think when it’s full (not to mention that they fill the place way, way beyond fire code, so you’re a dead man if there’s a fire). The men’s room is disgusting, but you’re not in there to take a dump, so what difference does it make? The jukebox has jack-shit for selection, so you have to make do with some of the shittiest music you’ll find anywhere.

Kristin
Guest
Kristin
Offline

I haven’t been there in a while, but I do like it. I like dives. Of course, I also like the Delano. I guess I just like bars.

lolroosh
Guest
lolroosh
Offline

lolz ur silly roosh! puhleez takes us a pikchur for happy fun timez!

Justin
Guest
Justin
Offline

I actually have taken first dates to Dan’s in the past. The bartenders were the best since they’d bitch you out for any reason whatsoever. I can’t count the number of times they’ve saved my ass from getting beat up for making stupid, drunken comments to people because I’d be wasted off my ass from drinking half pint after half pint. It helped that they knew my name. Now I rarely go to Adam’s Morgan. It’s not fun to me anymore.

trackback

[…] meet up with this guy aka rookie of the year aka prettymotherfucker at Dan’s aka “Fucking Dan’s” (which has been hipster free since 1965) for some bourbon. […]

trackback

[…] I’m proud to represent the city. Proud to know where the good sushi spots be at. The perfect place to take a first date. Who to call if I need to be “on the list”. There are little things you come to love […]

johnnie
Guest
johnnie
Offline

ok, so I’m driving in to DC from NYC early Fri April 4th. This sounds like the perfect place for me to tie one one b4 I go out and rage. Does anyone have the address for this place??

Johnnie

James
Guest
James
Offline

A friend of mine just directed me to this page. Dan’s sounds great, and I will be going very soon!